pushy reception mum - need to vent!

[Spatz]

My friend, who is a fellow reception mum, has spent the last few days desperately trying to find out how her daughter is doing compared to the others in reading. She's one of the most advanced in the class (she knows my DD is struggling with the 'go' flashcard while hers is breezing through 'because'!) and I've seen her go up to at least two other mums to get the reading books out of the book bags to compare with her DDs.
She also asked me to tell her how her DD compares when I go in once a week to listen to reading.
I'm not sure why this annoys me so much (probably the 'go' 'because' business ), but her daughter is clearly doing well and there seems no need to make these comparisons or be so competitive about a 4-year-old. I've had to walk off twice when she has started with the other mums so I thought I'd try and get over it one here rather than say something snitchy to her next time

Singersgirl - the other day I was driving home with ds1 and his friend was with us coming home for tea. The friend was saying 'I've nearly finished all the red books, I've only got one more to go' and my ds said 'I've done all those red books haven't I mummy? I'm on harder books now' and his friend just said 'yes, you're better than me at reading aren't you ds1?' to which ds1 just said 'yes, but J is better at reading than me'.

The friend also said 'SC is taking home the yellow books - you know those easy yellow books? We never took those home - just SC'. (These are the very first phonics books with just a word on each page - in ds1's class they dont' bring home books till they've finished all these and are reading sentences).

Really bizarre - we are all so sensitive about not talking about it and comparing books but the kids all seem to know who is doing what anyway!

They are in reception btw - they were talking about it so matter of factly - like it just didn't matter anyway!

I was a mum who checked out school bags, but not diliberately honest :) I was concerned how my dd was doing - she hated reading and didin't seem to be progressing, then one time I saw a friends bookbag with the book in it, and it made me worry even more. She was reading proper books while my dd was still on biff and chip!!

I did discuss it with a friend who went in to do reading, just to see if dd was at the bottom of class and if I should be concerned.

So it wasn't done in a boastful way, It was done with friends kids so I could explain to the parents I wanted to know as I was genuinely worried she wasn't doing well (this was year 1 BTW, nt receoption) and it gave me piece of mind that she was OK. I also asked the teacher to compare her!! Awful I know :) all I wanted to know was that she was doing OK. She was a really prem baby (27 weeks) and I have always been a bit worried she might find things harder, so I wanted to check she had really caught up.

TBH She is not the brightest bunny, she does have to try harder which I find difficult as I was always good at school I found it all very easy, so I do get frustrated with her, particularly at Maths where I know she is in the bottom set! Oh well she'll not get a degree then, I just hope she is happy and finds something to fulfil her :)

My ds is good at reading, but it is nothing to do with dh or me. He is so obstinate that he would have stopped showing an interest if we had pushed him ...I'm like that too, so he must have inherited it from me! He is a bright little button, but he is behind in writing...they all have their strengths and weaknesses. We have never pushed him to do anything, but have followed up where he has shown an interest. He has always had bedtime stories, and loves books. I think I encouraged books because I have always been a great reader.

By 'great'. I meant prolific, not good!

You have my sympathies Spatz. Am grateful so often for DD's primary school where I haven't come across any mums like this.

You could suggest your friend ask the teacher - anyone looking for reassurance should go to the one who knows!

I feel that certainly in reception, it's all about learning the rules of how school works, putting your hand up, social skills etc etc - when children get that in place they become ready to start learning. Also at 4/5 summer the often 9 month age gap between summer and winter born children is vast as a % of their whole life - so there's bound to be a big difference.

Good luck with your mate.

Or you could just say "I'm glad this isn't a competitive school with pushy/ caomparing mums" one day - hope she gets the very big hint.
Yes it would drive me nuts.

I was thinking of this thread today, and wondering why so many of us find it so hard not to constantly compare.

My ds2 (6.5) has just started piano lessons. He loves it, practices regularly, is making fabulous progress, his teacher is very pleased with him, and we are very proud. But somewhere in me there is this urge to want to know ds2 has achieved x in 4 weeks, but what is 'average'. Is he doing better than average or worse? I know I should need to know this, or want to know it, but if I'm brutally honest I do.

say "do you know in New Zealand - they haven't even started school yet?"

I also secretly want dd to be excelling at something and I don't quite know why or what! Reading is not that something, however! We all learn to read in the end so the timescale doesn't really matter much to me. I am thrilled that she is doing well in singing - that seems much more fun to me and also more about talent and less about slogging, I guess.

The other thing that does bother me is how much this comptetiveness in someone else affects me - it makes my life seem petty too, but it really does make me cross. I am trying so hard to be grown-up and not mention it to any of the other mums!

The point about them not having started school yet in New Zealand is a good one - in Finland they don't start school until they are 7, my German friend told me her son will probably be 6.5 when he starts school and I understand from another MN thread that in Norway they also start school later and are not expected to know their alphabet when they start.

My son's b'day is in November so he will be old in his school year which will probably work out well for him as he has been a bit behind in a lot of things from walking to talking though as I work full-time I don't go to NCT/toddler group things and see other kids so I don't know how he compares with other kids - which is good, means I can't get competitive or worried or both. But there are loads of kids who start school when they are barely 4 and I think that is far too young.

My friend said her son (now nearly 10 and very very bright from what I can tell) could not read until he was 6.5 - he could not get it "just like that" and consequently wasn't interested. I read around 3 but then I might have just been memorising the books! I don't remember learning to read though - my dh who learnt at school did, and remembers struggling (he went to Oxford btw!)

I would try to avoid these competitive people. If your child makes steady progress they will be ok. And with the govt wanting 50% of the population to uni, if they are vaguely bright they will get in, if that's what they want to do.

dd wouldn't have started formal public school in Switzerland until 3 years after she began in UK !! She'd have been just 7 !

I agree with orlando and spatz, Why do they do it?
I try to get away as fast as I can from the play ground! just tell them someones coming round and you have to go.
It bothers me too and I find my self wanting too push my 5 year old harder!
I will read more later, very tried now!

theres a child in my ds#'s reception class who is being tutored.

stitch - why ?

exactly wha ti thought.

I had a friend like this that I met at a toddler group. Her ds is about 6 months older than my dd. I put up with it till they turned 5, just "overhearing" all the comparisons and kind of veiled slights until one day when she came round to visit and kept saying things in front of dd in her hearing. "X speaks SO much better than Y" (Y is right there, listening). "Isn't Y huge?" (Y is tallish but the real problem is her X is very small and slight and she has a hang-up about that). And on and on. "Can't Y swim yet? X could a year ago" etc etc

After she left, I called her and told her what had bothered me about her visit and since I didn't want my child hearing those kind of comments, I told her I wanted to end the relationship. I feel much better for having done it, it got me down all the time and I really didn't want someone putting down my dd to make themselves feel better about their ds.

have a friend like this - i call her my so called friend. she thinks her dd will not be challenged in reception because she can read already. dd is 4. if someone child can do something her child cant then the parent is pushy or its not really worth learning to do that particular skill just yet. also too posh to shop at asda!!!