pushy reception mum - need to vent!

[Spatz]

My friend, who is a fellow reception mum, has spent the last few days desperately trying to find out how her daughter is doing compared to the others in reading. She's one of the most advanced in the class (she knows my DD is struggling with the 'go' flashcard while hers is breezing through 'because'!) and I've seen her go up to at least two other mums to get the reading books out of the book bags to compare with her DDs.
She also asked me to tell her how her DD compares when I go in once a week to listen to reading.
I'm not sure why this annoys me so much (probably the 'go' 'because' business ), but her daughter is clearly doing well and there seems no need to make these comparisons or be so competitive about a 4-year-old. I've had to walk off twice when she has started with the other mums so I thought I'd try and get over it one here rather than say something snitchy to her next time

I think it is hard for first borns, like my son where school and everything is new, but my dd has been coming up to the school since being a toddler and ds has been bringing work home and she has been looking at the biff and chip books so it is so familiar to her. think that really makes a difference to their attitide to learning.

She is desperate to be a schoolgirl, even today at nursery she wore a pinafore dress that her cousin gave her, she choose to wear it herself and all the other kids just wear normal clothes. TBH i hope the other mums dont think that i am a nightmare and pushy. (none of the other mums know that she can read some of her reception words , i would never dream of telling them that info)

Nikkinoo - you are not at all like my friend.
She is sneakily finding out where her daughter is in relation to the other children - it's only because I've been with her a couple of times that I've noticed her investigating the other book bags. The other mums have no idea she's doing it, it's bugging me, and I needed to get it out of my system.

I don't mind how my daughter compares academically at this stage - I really do want her to enjoy school and be enthusiastic about the activities there. I would also not tell the other mums if my dd could do something their children can't do. The teacher has told me dd is the best singer, but I've only bragged about that to my family and non-school friends, and on here, of course!

Off to school now - tempted to ask her why she's doing it just to see what absurd answer she gives! I certainly feel less irritated - thank you!

There was girl at my sons school who looked in book bags when her kids friends were over for tea. My friend told me and I was shocked that someone could be so very competitive.

TBH these parents who are so pushy generally have kids who have the problems later on in life, because they feel they can never live up to mum and dads expecations. I hope this wont be the case for your friends daughter.

In passing say ooh i was reading an article in the mail (wouldnt be surprising if it was in the mail) that says that kids with pushy parents are more likely to be crack cocaine addicts in later life.

Spatz, I don't know if this helps but I once had a bit of a stand-up row with another mum about this sort of thing when our sons were in reception.
She kept saying things to me like, 'My ds moved up to blue/green level today. Did yours?' and it drovem e so mad, I had a bit of a go at her.
She started to cry and we ended up going for a coffee. It turned out that, as a child, she'd been to a very results-oriented public school and her parents had more or less based her approval of her on her academic achievements.
I do kind of understand her behaviour now. For her, reading levels REALLY matter and the state school system of never telling parents where their child is in the class gets her in a pickle.
She's still a PITA though

I think my friend also had very pushy parents and she has told me this was a problem for her, but it looks like she is starting to repeat it. Maybe if I were a really good friend I'd have a long chat to try and help her - I'll see how we go...

I guess many of us have something (academic ability, popularity, sporting talent) we would desperately like our kids to have.
It's just that some of us (I hope!) are a little better at concealing it!

Spatz is it possible that the class is about to be, or has just been streamed? Or that an accelerated learning group has been identified within the class? I have noticed this kind of interest in cpmparison with other children's achievements tends to peak at those times.

Umm...there is also the possibility that the Mums are actually doing the reading homework with the kids they invite home for tea? We certainly do this at our school? Just a thought.

Spatz keep your cool if you can. You are stuck with the same set of parents for 7 years - my policy has been to smile sweetly and say nothing and stay friendly - tho if you can find a neutral friend to vent to that can help. My neighbour and I handily have kids at 2 different schools and spend a lot of time entertaining each other with tales of madness from each other's PTAs. And this lady sounds as if she is quite a good friend in other ways...

I'd also go for keeping your mouth shut too. Her behaviour is extremely irritating but at the end of the day, it is sad for her. She will succeed in annoying everyone - not just you.
I think asking her why she seems so concerned about her daughter's progress, might be the least upsetting way of tackling the issue - if you really feel you need to.
Someone else has pointed out - you will be seeing her most days for the next 7 years. Definitely not worth falling out over!!!

Also when you go into school to help with reading it is a bit unethical to discuss one childs progress against anothers I doubt that the class teacher would be too happy. So say that you are duty bound when you go into keep childrens work and comparisons between any child private as you are in on a professional level.

dd is pretty clued up as to what rading level her friends are on. We don't read in class with them yet and afaik all the "homework" is similar. We are invited into the classroom about once each half term to view the work so you can make comparisons, or not, then. I really don't "get" pushy mums , obviously not enough else to thinks about , is it her first/only by any chance?

cant you just knock her out?

custardo - I was very tempted to knock her out this afternoon when I went to pick dd up. Talking about her all afternoon made her seem much more important in my life than she really is, but did get the worst of it out of my system too. I looked at her and thought little do you know the advice I've had about you today from women all over the country.

I feel sorry for her really and if the other mums find out they won't be too impressed.

She is her first child and I think the idea about being in the classroom in a professional capacity is a good one. So far I've just ignored that request and she hasn't asked me directly. I wouldn't be able to, anyway, I've no idea in what order the books come - they all seem much the same to me even if on different schemes.

the p

I know Mum's like this too. The playdate thing happens a lot I suspect. One Mum told me that her DD (age 5 at the time) was crying because my DS could read and she couldn't. I was at pains to tell her that it was his nursery that insisted that all children learnt how to read at the age of 3 (I knew no better). Is the DD upset because of the way the Mum is?

My DS on the other hand pays no attention to what his peers are doing and couldn't tell you where they are with their reading. In our school they mix uo loads of different reading schemes so it is not really possible to know what level you are on IYKWIM.

I think I would ask the mother if she is worried about her child or why is she worried about her child. Draw her out and have a long conversation about it and see where it leads.

Your friend is obviously very anxious about how well her daughter is doing. If I were you, next time she mentions it, I would say something light-hearted about how they all progress at different rates/your so glad both your DDs have settled in well etc and just change the subject.

Reading level seems to be a hugely emotive subject in primary school and I have had mothers ask me when I've listened to their children read how they compare to others. And I'm not immune to it either, but I hope I hide it better .I also taught my younger son to read before he started school, because he was very keen.

I don't know if some children are just naturally competitive or whether it is mainly parentally induced at this age. I was surprised the other day in DS2's Reception class to be told by a boy (one of the oldest and also clearly doing well so far with reading etc) that "X is the best at spelling in the class, even better than me". Don't think my DS would even think in those terms and DS1, at 7, is still blissfully unaware. Some children who come to play are very competitive, asking "Is DS1 in the top reading group? Is he in the top spelling group? How many merits has he got?"

I agree Singersgirl - it's partly a personality thing. We try and be pretty laidback about it, but the kids have different approaches:

When ds1 was in yr1 - even towards the end - he was blissfully unaware that the children were grouped in tables by ability, and that all the children were on different levels of the reading scheme. DS2 on the other hand knew (and cared) exactly where he was in relation to other children within weeks of starting reception.

Iam ashamed to say I have been a bit like this mum. with my dd who is 5. I felt anxious about her reading level and how she was doing...I too wanted to see others books to compare. BUT I realise that I had a problem...I was angry with myself for feeling this way.
I agree with everyone who has said this woman is insecure. At the time I was very depressed and anxious to the point I was scared to leave the house. I had very little going on in my life and felt worthless as a human being.
The only thing that helped my feel important was my childrenss succsess...But this was wrong and was in fact making me more illand stresses.
I took a big step back and had a word with myself...and although Iam still depressesd Iam trying not to get too involved in playground discussions on reading levels etc...as it doesn't help me...and I deep down I know that it doesn't matter..what matters is my kids are happy and healthy.

Why don't you put a really really advanced book in your dd's bag and next time she asks say, "Oh i think my dd is doing o.k"

How honest Georgia73. I hope things improve for you depression wise.

JuliaB - I think you've struck on a an interesting point with regard to the example of your friend.

I think some parents just can't help themselves because they ahve been brought up through life in systems/ institutions/ families where performance is rated and rewarded.
I'm a bit like this, and will have admitted to sneaking a look in a visiting child's book bag, but hopefully I have never been as vocal or extreme in my competitiveness as the Mum mentioned in the opening post.

But I have always been brought up to work hard for the next mevel of 'achievement' :

• swimming badges
• brownie badges
• gymnastics badges (BAGA awards - remember those!!!)
• recorder competitions
• singing competitions
• school prizes
• house points

and then

• o & A levels
• degrees
• university choice

and then at the work of work:

• management trainign awards/ certificates
• performance review ratings
• bonuses
• industry awards

etc etc I could go on....

I think the point I'm trying to make is that given all that history I actually find it quite hard to just think 'I know that I've(or my children) have done something well, and I can accept that' - I'm so used to looking for some kind of 'external validation' or confirmation.

I'm not trying to stick up for this Mum's clearly inappropriate way of handling this, I';m just trying to explain why I think some people feel and act like this - they almost can't help themselves!!

oh dear - thread kill
sorry

oh god this is why I avoid nt mum gatherings like the plague.

I couldn't bear to be aorund it, but as she;s a friend I would just refuse to get into conversation about it and change the subject to celebrity gossip or something equally non-competitive. Good luck. IME people like this can't actually help themselves, and can't stop. I usually choose to avoid them rather than grit my teeth, but you may need to develop a fake smile :o Good luck!

I think I do need to just try and avoid the subject, but one day may pluck up the courage to talk to her properly about it.

I'm not sure whether it comes from her first or whether her daughter is naturally concerned about who is better better best, but I don't feel it is an approach that will win friends for either of them.

I'm grateful for the possible explanations you've given and amazed that there are even more blatant examples out there.