Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

pushy reception mum - need to vent!

67 replies

Spatz · 22/03/2006 12:45

My friend, who is a fellow reception mum, has spent the last few days desperately trying to find out how her daughter is doing compared to the others in reading. She's one of the most advanced in the class (she knows my DD is struggling with the 'go' flashcard while hers is breezing through 'because'!) and I've seen her go up to at least two other mums to get the reading books out of the book bags to compare with her DDs.
She also asked me to tell her how her DD compares when I go in once a week to listen to reading.
I'm not sure why this annoys me so much (probably the 'go' 'because' business ), but her daughter is clearly doing well and there seems no need to make these comparisons or be so competitive about a 4-year-old. I've had to walk off twice when she has started with the other mums so I thought I'd try and get over it one here rather than say something snitchy to her next time

OP posts:

Orlando · 22/03/2006 12:49

I'd put on a very sympathetic tone and say 'I'm sure your dd can't be doing too badly or the school would have mentioned it. Poor you to be so concerned...'

I reckon she just wants people to know how brilliant her dd is, so this should take the wind out of her sails.

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 12:52

Thanks Orlando - I might try that tonight!
I feel so strongly that I don't want to push them early on and put them off education that it makes me want to scream when I hear her. I also feel sad that it bothers me at all - it's so petty!

OP posts:

Orlando · 22/03/2006 12:55

I know, I know... been there many times myself. It's the letting it bother me that bothers me too!

MamaG · 22/03/2006 12:55

Oh God don't get me started on this! I have a good friend, been friends for years and we gave birth to girls 5 weeks apart (hers was born first). Ever since they were born, she has compared our DDs and it drives me up the wall! Her DD read really early (she is v pushy ), much earlier than mine but I didn't worry about it - it just got on my wick the way she went on about it!! Now my DD (age 6) has the reading level of a 10.6 year old so I'm having the last laugh!!

I don't give a shit who is the best at what as long as both girls are happy, but I did permit myself a snigger when I texted her with my DD's reading age....

throckenholt · 22/03/2006 12:57

they all learn at their own pace - and at 4 none of them are brilliant readers anyway.

Try and look at it as her problem and not yours. All her hassling won't make a jot of difference to her daughter or yours.

robinpud · 22/03/2006 13:04

This friend is likely to be competitive about everything- number of friends, frequency of party invites etc etc. I suspect a lot of it is down to her own insecurities. The easiest thing is to step aside from it mentally now and just smile sweetly at her and look vacant when she takles you. As others have said children change dramatically in their early years at school, it is not a competition it's about fostering the desire to learn about academic and social things. Let rip on mn and don't let it affect your rl friendship.

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:04

I'm aware it's her problem, but she is a friend and I'd like it to stay that way. I am a bit liable to say what I think, which would upset her!! I hope talking to you should help me get over it.

Clearly my dd is much brighter than hers, just doesn't have a pushy mum , although it really doesn't matter at all - I would truly rather she were happy than clever.

Luckily my dd has been commended for her singing in the show they are doing this week, which is one in the eye for my friend who is a musician as is her husband. Her dd has told her that my dd is best then someone else then she is third. It's sad that this 4-year-old is so obsessed with these hierarchies.

OP posts:

Sparklemagic · 22/03/2006 13:07

oh Spatz, she sounds a complete PILL. I do sympathise.

I really think honesty is the way to make yourself feel better. It may not change her, because people don't tend to change! But I think you should say to her "It upsets me when you compare our DD's because it feels like you are trying to tell me that your DD is better than mine. I know you can't mean to do this, so what is the point of comparing them?" and perhaps "the teachers can tell you better than me whether your daughter is advanced for her age, why not ask them?"

Just say it straight out because it will make you feel better, rather than keeping it all in and feeling stressed! I speak from experience as I had to adopt this policy with my in-laws and while they haven't changed, I speak up, they know my opinion and I let the stress go!

brimfull · 22/03/2006 13:08

Your friends social intelligence is obviously lacking somewhat!

Sparklemagic · 22/03/2006 13:08

because why should it be you that keeps your thoughts hidden so as not to hurt her feelings or lose her as a friend? Does she do the same for you when she's doing all this comparing????

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:11

Huge range of advice!! I've been doing the vacant look for some time....
I do think if I say something it will end-up being tactless and upset her enormously - she is very sensitive and I know she finds relationships difficult.

I usually do 'say something' especially with the in-laws and it has almost always escalated into a huge row. I don't think I'm good at making a light-hearted comment that says things without upsetting people, but I don't think I'll let her compare our dds directly without saying something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:14

She's actually very kind and generous - always offers to look after the children if I need it and I know I could call on her in an emergency or crisis and she'd be there for me. She just has a lack of tact and is competitive about the dds - not usually directly because I won't join in and just make a joke of it.

OP posts:

Sparklemagic · 22/03/2006 13:16

well maybe perhaps as you say a 'vacant look' and just "I don't like to compare children, so....." and let it trail off.

She can't get upset with you for having your own likes and dislikes!

throckenholt · 22/03/2006 13:18

she sounds like she is insecure - she needs constant praise to let her know she is doing ok, anything negative upsets her.

Sounds like you are a much more rounded person - so just have to stay tactful and not upset her, and be content with being in a happier place than she is.

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:20

I think I'll try and stick with the vacant look and maybe gently say that I think pushing them too much at this age is counter-productive. I do just put the reading away if dd is too tired and say so in the communication book.

OP posts:

myalias · 22/03/2006 13:21

When my ds was in reception there was a particularly pushy mother who used to invite children over for a playdate. Coincidently the day would fall on a homework handout day. She used to check the child visiting bag to see what reading level they were at and the comments in the home/school diary. It turned out that over the year she had invited everyone of the children round for a playdate. I found out from her now ex friend she actually admitted that was the only purpose of the invitation. Fast forward now to year 5 in juniors and she hasn't got a single friend. The teachers have had complaints about her from other mums. I know one of the teachers and she told me she couldn't help out in her class any longer.
This mother's boy was extremely bright - top literacy and numeracy groups. The other children have now caught up and her ds is no longer top of the class.

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:26

WOW myalias she really does sound l very sad! It's terrible, really, that people get so worked up about how their children compare with others - it doesn't seem a healthy way to live life.

Glad I seem well-rounded - it's all a mn front
Too rounded in some areas!

OP posts:

Sparklemagic · 22/03/2006 13:36

my god, some parents!!!!! It beggars belief how seriously some parents take school!

Throckenholt I'm sure is right, she must be insecure. I posted about my SIL and her constant bugging me about her kids and a good few people said this must stem from insecurity, which I just hadn't considered.

So I'm sure you can take throcks wise advise and be the bigger person....me, I can't resist saying my piece! But then this is a friend you want to keep, and my IL's I can take or leave!!!!

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:38

The difference is you're stuck with ILs!!

OP posts:

sandyballs · 22/03/2006 13:45

I've discovered a few mum's like this in the past few weeks, and I'm shocked. I had no idea reception would be so competitive. They're a bunch of 4/5 year olds . They all learn at their own pace and I'm trying very very hard not to be drawn in to their discussions, in case I end up being very rude and ostracised from the school pick-up clique .

The mum's whose kids read very well seem to take all the credit which is absolute boll**cks. Their kid would have probably learnt to read regardless. My DDs are twins and one is doing very well at reading and thoroughly enjoys it, the other hates it and it's a struggle to pin her down long enough to look at a book. I held up the word "at" this morning and she told me is said "going" . The point I'm trying to make being that they all get there at their own pace.

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 13:49

I also think they go at their own pace and I purposely let dd 'noodle' at nursery so she could gain social confidence. Some of the other children went to pushier places and started reading before they started school. (some were coached at home!!)

Fortunately, most of the other parents are easy-going - maybe because my dd is not seen as a threat

OP posts:

Nikkinoo · 22/03/2006 14:11

I have to admit that i am teaching my child to read.

My reason for encouraging her is that as she is a september born child and she will be the oldest in class, aswell as this she wants to learn, so i think, well why not? I am fortnate enough to be with her until she starts school and i could read before i started school as my nana had the time to teach me.

My son on the other hand needs loads of encouragement to do anything school related and he started to read only when he attended school.

Bottom line is that all kids are different and hopefully by the time they leave school they will be educated to an agreeable standard.

Sparklemagic · 22/03/2006 14:13

yep Spatz I am stuck with 'em aren't I!

Until the next husband, anyway.....

Original poster

Spatz · 22/03/2006 14:21

Nikkinoo - I wouldn't hold them back if they're really interested, but the school were not too keen on us doing it our way because they said some children have to unlearn things in order to follow their system.

My DD and her competitive friend are both June babies. Due to her age I was much more worried about her social confidence at school than the academic side.

OP posts:

bundle · 22/03/2006 14:24

spatz find something really trivial your dd has done - say a doodle you can't tell what it is - and say Oh what's your dd done? is it as good as this? she might get the message.....

Flip

1 2 3