Gifted and talented.

[jabed]

Its three O clock in the morning. I have a stinking headache which is why I am up and I would like to get contentious. Do you mind?

With no holds barred, my DS is by any definition gifted and talented. I am a fairly able kind of guy myself and DW is extremely gifted, so no prizes for guessing where he gets it.

The thing is, I have been pondering what I am going to do with him. We currently HE. This is because he is young- He is a late August born and would, were he at school he going into year 2 now. Many a couple of weeks younger would just be going into year 1.
He is gifted as I said, which is another reason for not putting him in school. he has a generally high IQ and academic giftedness and if SW is right he has musical talent.

I don?t want him accelerated. I don?t want him messed with. I want him to be what neither DW nor I were - a child with a childhood. My experience of the local school, which would have been our first choice (and was in fact where we sent him) for his primary years do not deserve him. The teachers cannot deal with gifted children. He does not deserve his peers in that school - disruptive and largely ill socialised with a large percentage at the other end of the spectrum to DS. But there is no other local school.

There is my own school which has a prep but they want to put him a year up.

So, what do you do in that situation? I am at a loss. I have looked at options and got bogged down. We have to make a decision before year 3 as I seriously believe he needs to be in formal education at some point there.

Just a general throw out to see what others would do with such a DS. I reserve the right to get toss potty if people get rude about my DS or my feelings about being middle class etc.
This is my DS not an abstract. Thanks

Thing is it sometimes does seem like u want to be the main/only influence when they are little but as they grow you realise that others are essential if u want to raise rounded happy successful individuals.

Neah, I think OP is much more in line with this book. Which is very much about protecting older kids, especially teens, from peer pressure, and making parents' influence paramount.

Not my style, but I guess it works out in the end for many.

I have five very different children from the same home and same parents and who have been in a variety of fairly academic private schools. I don't think anyone ever has told them or made them think in a certain way. Above all I want them to have opinions and be able to argue rather than parrot a view. I think they get that through being in school with a lot of other clever children and good teachers who similarly have quick brains, lots of ideas and ideally a good accent too (although I will be shot for saying so). I do not think they would get that at all if they were home educated although I support the right of parents to do it - as I am a free market libertarian.

In fact I think wider influences can be good and that eg one parent only and child is possibly the worst model, whereas our rather large home with adult children and others coming and going and lots of people to go to moan to about your silly mother's views as well as school is a really nice environment. I don't believe in parent as God. I believe parents can be very fallible and the dilution of our influence within reason (I do not want them boarding and reduction of my influence to that extent) is good for them.

If a person is inclined to behave like a sheep, they will be a sheep, either by emulating the people they go to school with or by emulating their supposedly anti-sheep parents...

jabed - you really do sound as though you are projecting your late middle aged personality and energy levels on to your ds when you talk about him. You want him to have a childhood, but not too noisy or busy and without too many nasty, boisterous children. Maybe a few children coming around to attend a bookclub and eat a few nibbles??!... I knew someone at school whose mother was neurotic about all the villains and strumpets in the world - you know, the sort who go to pubs or nightclubs (asking to be beaten up or raped), or wear short skirts, or have tattoos (you can't be safe company if you have a tattoo), or go out with boys, or watch films with an 18 certificate at the cinema (even as an adult). She was paranoid to a ridiculous degree about all the people who were supposedly desperate to degrade her or offend her sensitive ears with obscenities, and ended up marrying a 68 year old retired antique dealer, because, apparently, he was very wealthy and would protect her from all the nasty people out there. I think she was a very silly, neurotic girl whose ludicrous degree of paranoia resulted in her achieving very little of merit in her own life. She lived opposite the school she went to, so could pop home when things got too much...

Ds is an only child. During his late teenage years, our house was a hotel for his friends. He brought people from school, people from the rowing club and various hangers-on. I can't say that we didn't have our doubts about some of these individuals, but we trusted his intuition and ability to make 'appropriate' friends.

jabed It is in the early years that children learn how to make and choose friends. I think you need to consider how you may affect your ds's future social skills, if you deny him contact with other children in an important stage of development.

I want them to think different from me, or if they think the same, I want them to get there on their own. I want them to think for themselves. I want them try & reject other ways of thinking (even mine at times, I sure don't have all the answers). I want them to argue with life at least al little, & figure out for themselves how to be. I'll be damned if I end up raising sheep."

I agree-that is exactly why I sent them to school too. I am not intending to get into an argument about HE -but I did want them to question me and choose their own friends.
In this case, having asked the question, there is only HE or jabed's school. At a state school it wouldn't just be a question of fines for unauthorised absence- you would be prosecuted for non attendance for a regular extra 12 weeks off.

I do think that as an only child, with older parents, he is rather isolated and over protected. The socialisation is the important point.

You really need open house with an only child.

xenia Good post. Although, I think this can be achieved with HE if you really, really work at it.

Xenia.
I also think this can be achieved through H.ed.
My comments about dcs becoming sheep were due to my own experiences of older dcs having gone through the state school system.
There were many schools all very different, however, the most common thread were dcs were all the same, especially in terms of behaviour. They were certainly not encouraged to challenge or question the teacher at all. Their opinions counted for nothing as a set criteria of thought was required to pass exams/ tick boxes. I think this is fine for those wanting to comply and follow the norm (like sheep) but not what my dd wants or needs. It has nothing to do with controlling any part of my dds thoughts at all, as some may suggest, in fact its the complete opposite.

Do any children?!
A good school wouldn't do that. Bring up your DCs to question all-especially parents.

Sorry-want to be sheep-I doubt it.

I always get irritated when people dismiss other people's children as 'sheep'. I find that all DCs have original thought if they are actually listen to.

listened-sorry.

Exotic.
I think you missed my point or I didn't explain clearly enough.
My comments about sheep were in response to a post before mine where it was implied that by H.ed your dc they would think like you and not question the parents. My reply just states that I find the opposite and would readily encourage all dcs to question and have an open mind. However, ime the schools my older dcs attended didn't allow this at all and in one instance ds1 was told no child in that teachers class was allowed an opinion. Just learn what i'm telling you.
Children in schools imo are sheep on several levels. They all do relatively the same work, follow the same curriculum, follow a set of proceedures, etc etc

"My comments about dcs becoming sheep were due to my own experiences of older dcs having gone through the state school system.
There were many schools all very different, however, the most common thread were dcs were all the same, especially in terms of behaviour. They were certainly not encouraged to challenge or question the teacher at all. Their opinions counted for nothing as a set criteria of thought was required to pass exams/ tick boxes. I think this is fine for those wanting to comply and follow the norm (like sheep) but not what my dd wants or needs. It has nothing to do with controlling any part of my dds thoughts at all, as some may suggest, in fact its the complete opposite."

Do you have any idea how rude that is? That's 93% of the nation's children you're talking about! And what on earth do you mean by "all the same in terms of behaviour"?

jabed It is in the early years that children learn how to make and choose friends. I think you need to consider how you may affect your ds's future social skills, if you deny him contact with other children in an important stage of development

This has moved on a ways. What makes you think I am denying him friends? I am not denying him anything. It concerns me - that says enough. However, there are few to choose from where we live in the UK (are out in the sticks) and in Canada, we are also fairly rural, although there are a small group DS's age. He has friends here. That?s what set me off.

But, I was talking about this to friends last night and tbh, they didnt see a problem. DS's situation is no different to any of their DC's. Kids on farms don?t have too many friends it seems (they say). None of them are into Beavers and such either. None of them run around headless doing extracurricular for kids DS's age. Now, is this because in Canada, my DS would just be starting formal school, rather than two years into it?

One of the things we talked a lot about was the way kids are pushed into school so early in the UK and how that might be a big negative factor.

Thing is it sometimes does seem like u want to be the main/only influence when they are little but as they grow you realise that others are essential if u want to raise rounded happy successful individuals

Working backwards on these.
I do believe in the old Jesuit saying - give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man. That is important I think.

She was paranoid to a ridiculous degree about all the people who were supposedly desperate to degrade her or offend her sensitive ears with obscenities, and ended up marrying a 68 year old retired antique dealer, because, apparently, he was very wealthy and would protect her from all the nasty people out there. I think she was a very silly, neurotic girl whose ludicrous degree of paranoia resulted in her achieving very little of merit in her own life. She lived opposite the school she went to, so could pop home when things got too much...

I am sorry, but isn?t that a value judgement? How did she not achieve much of merit? Let?s face it she could have married a 25 year old in the same way. Many people do not ?achieve much" to external view. She achieved a marriage ( a stable one?). From what you say she got what she wanted. Protection and to stay near home.

It seems to me she may have got a lot from her antique dealer. It does depend on what you want from life.

Many here are criticising me for ?lack of energy levels" - where that is from I am not sure. I like a quiet life. As does DW. WE are quiet people. There was a thread about quiet children being under valued at school a while ago - so it cuts all ways. But let?s get real, many younger folk dream of escaping to the country and getting this quieter life for themselves and their DC?s. So which is it? Too old and not achieving, or a quiet life is something to strive for?

Neah, I think OP is much more in line with this book

I havent read this book.

I don't believe the Jesuit saying at all. If they were correct there would be far more Catholics in the world! All the ones I know who were brought up Catholics are now lapsed or atheists. Having seen so many DCs go through from babyhood to adults you certainly get some surprises!
Living out on a farm in Canada all the time is very different than being part time. You are part of a community and know exactly who you are, if you are part time you are not one thing or the other. Easy enough when you are under 7, but increasingly difficult afterwards.
I agree they start school too early in UK.

I also think it incredibly rude to dismiss the majority of children as sheep and all being the same- with the idea that you can only be different if your mother opts you out.
I was a teacher and I can't think of anything more boring than DCs who don't question and don't have opinions - I don't think that most would like the job if that were the case. I have never found any DCs like sheep - some are more reticent at coming forward- they won't speak in front of a whole class, but they will individually or in small groups. Some are very vocal and they are the ones who have to understand that they have to listen to others and conversation and discussion is a two way thing. To have a quiet, well behaved child labelled a sheep is unfair- get to know them and they are most likely anything but!

Jabed, I presume that you've tried this, but have you tried mapping all viable routes from your home to your work and looking at all schools which lie close to those routes? Your LEA will be advising you about schools on the basis of their distance from your home, but if instead you look at schools along your route, would that give you more options?

I travel up a motorway to get to work. The distance I do would not be feasable if I did not. There are no schools on that route.

think your question 'what would you do' was not really sincerely asked at all. You haven't listened to anything that's been said about socialising or opportunities for you to do it

That is your opinion. In fact I have read everything that people have said and I have taken it all under consideration. I havent made any decisions yet.

DH was an only child almost( the age difference between him and his brother was such that his brother left home when he was 7 yrs) and his parents were much older than normal. He found life very difficult - they thought they were doing things for a child , but they were quite set in their ways - holding open house for all the neighbourhood children was not part of their life - they went on holiday with friends whose DCs were grown up. Of course age has little to do with it but you do need to be aware that you have to get outside your own personal comfort zone to socialise an only child- especially if you are ' out of sight, out of mind' half the year.

I hate to bang on about it, but why don't you like the idea of Scouts? It sounds perfect your son- a good way of gently broadening his horizons.

He hasn't got an option of state school - he would be prosecuted for none attendance - unless he negotiated flexi time with school in Canada part of the time.
HE or his own school are the only options, as far as I can see.