private school fee dilemma

[WineOhWhy]

I am posting this for a friend, so may not be able to answer all questions. Essentially, however, the position is as follows:

3 DC, all went to/are at state primary. Eldest is now at private secondary school and really likes it. Intention had been to send younger 2 there in due course.

Friend has just split up with her DH (his affair - now apparently over). He has moved out and is saying that, taking into acocunt extra living costs, it will not be possible to send all 3 to private school. Or rather, if they wanted to, the house would have to be sold and my friend and DC move into cheaper house (which realistically may need to be in a different area to be able to afford something). State secondary option is ok but not great. DCs would at least have friends there, though. They could probably afford to leave eldest in private school.

I have no idea how tight the finances are but assuming this is right, what is the best thing to do:

1. Keep house (as less disruptive to the DC as a whole) and accept that younger 2 will have to go to State school (but leave eldest in private so as not to disrupt her).

1. As 1, but take DC1 out of private school and send her to state school. Otherwise, it would be unfair on the others as they will not have the opportunity.

1. Move house to a cheaper area and send all 3 to private school.

FWIW, friend works close to full time and thinks she would struggle to earn enough more to make up the shortfall.

Friend does not know what is best. She acknowledges she is not thinking straght anyway as she has been knocked for 6 by the affair.

I would go for,

1. Speak to the school re. The financial situation. They may be in a position to help/bursarys etc...

But of course this depends on 100s of factors and is impossible to judge online. But I would give it a go.

She does not think the school would help. It is oversubscribed and in reality there is an asset (the house) that could be sold.

Lots of if not all oversubscribed schools give bursarys.

Having a daughter in the school is a huge advantage, nothing to be lost by asking.

Some schools have bursaries specifically for single parents.

In all honestly - and I expect this is an unpopular view - I'd try to save the marriage. If the affair is over, they should now put the children first for the next few years.

Should an affair really smash up not only a marriage but a family, a family home, three children's education? It seems way too high a price to pay for infidelity.

If it can't be saved, it's a really tough choice, but I'd go for all three having similar schooling - all state at home or all private in a smaller house. Maybe ask the DCs opinions but explain that the final decision has to be made by the adults.

Either way, I'd suggest the adults go for divorce counselling to work out a power-struggle-free way of maintaining strong and secure bonds for the children.

A friend had all 4 DC as day pupils at the same private school. Her husband lost his job & they were at a loss for what to do. Friend spoke to HT who said "to pay when they could". My friend was unable to pay for 16 months & was never asked to repay the outstanding amount. Her DC were a mixed bag of bright/quirky/naughty/lazy so it wasn't that the HT expected them to all gain places at Oxbridge so I'd definitely say ask about a bursary. It gave me confidence to ask for bursaries for my own DC.

Wish your friend all the best. Continuity is important for her DC right now & I must admit I wouldn't want to educate one DC privately & one in the state sector! Always best to treat them the same to avoid conflict, but if the eldest is at an important stage of her education, she's better staying where she is. Big dilemma for your poor friend.

First step is talk to school. And second I would sell house and send them all.

How many years into secondary is the oldest child? If before GCSE selection stage then I would suggest option 2. My reasoning for this is that it sounds like family finances are going to be precarious for years to come. Better to bite the bullet now than to risk having to take 1, 2, 3 children out of fee paying school later when it could be far more devestating.

What does your friend's Dh want to do - which option does he favour?

Is your friend fully aware of their financial.situation and if so does she agree with her dh's assessment that they can't continue to pay for both house and schools?

I can't help wondering if her Dh is trying to worm his way back into the family home by presenting it as the only way they can avoid upheaval for the children...

Friend would give her DH another chance, and in fact he did move back and then out again (his decision). He seems to be a bit all over the place. Friend is keen not to sell house, in part i suspect becuase it will make the slpit much more final. The DH prefers to sell the house (possibly to bring things to a head but also becuase he will be able to to afford to rent somewhere bigger so he can have the DC overnight). DC2 is in Y5 and DC3 is in Y2, so they have a little while. I have suggested she stay in the house for now, and if they cut back a bit and the DH finds somewhere cheap to rent as an interim measure, they might even be able to afford for DC2 to go private (they do have some savings). By the time DC 3 is at that age, then DC1 will be 6th form age and they could look at whether there are better state 6th form options, or by then a house move may be less of an upheaval.

But they both seem to be obsessing about what to do, and seem to think delaying a decision will prolong the anguish about it.

Option 3.

Option 1 would leave DC2 and DC3 feeling as if they have been punished by the separation - the opportunity to follow their older sibling into a private school being removed from them.

Option 2 would leave DC1 feeling as if s/he has been punished by the separation - taken out of a (presumably) great school, possibly at a key point in her education, for the sake of fairness.

I think that either of the first two options could lead to resentment and jealousy at some point in the future, whereas Option 3 treats all of the children fairly and equally.

Personally, I would put them all into state to take education out of the equation. Commiting to that cost over the next god knows how long is a huge strain in any relationship. Trying to cobble together a relationship simply to send children to private school just looks to me like a recipe for disaster. Selling up (and living where?) to fund schooling is adding further disruption to children's lives just at the point where they need as much stability as possible.

However, I will qualify this by saying that I am a great believer in state education. Sending children to state schools is not condemning them to a lifetime of hod carrying.

Put them all in state school along as DC1 is not at GCSE stage. Use spare cash to 'top' up education if need be. Ie tutoring. Probably, better done sooner than later.
To be fair it is hard to say what to do without knowing the different schools, the kids etc

Sounds like private school will be too costly for all three, and reliant on the ex's continuing to pay etc - precarious. she should do the sums and seek financial advice. Another option is to sell the house and rent or buy a property in catchment for the best state secondary school around.

Whoooooooa!!!

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks- surely it's the judge who will decide on how the matrimonial assets are divided, and the children's interests and stability will be at the heart of this.

The ruling is usually that the children stay in their home. The ex or soon to be ex, would surely have no option but to rent somewhere very cheap for himself- a bedsit maybe- until the children a) reach 18 or b) leave school.

He would continue to support them and pay school fees then the house would be sold when they are adults.

It's not going to be possible surely to buy another house and carry on with the other financial commitments.

Your friend ought to be talking to a good family lawyer- not trying to work out a deal for herself.

I cant see why the husband should have to live in a grotty bedsit simply so that the children can go to private school (especially if they arent going now).

I can see that the children would ideally stay in their current home but if paying for two reasonable homes means there isnt the money left for school fees as well then that is how it has to be.

Surely decent homes come before private school fees?

Maybe living in a bedsit is just desserts for the affair and deserting his family.

Why should children have to suffer in every way because he has decided he no longer wants to be with their mother?

I agree that the 2 who are still in the state system should stay there is the schools are reasonable, but that the eldest should stay where they are if they are happy.

I would be concerned about the oldest staying in a fee paying school when the family's finances are looking decidedly precarious. There was a thread here a while back about a family facing having to take their DD out of fee paying school in her GCSE year. Surely better to not create that type of risk in the first place?

Frankly, the lawyers will decide.

Mother's and children's needs and what is reasonable.

Put house on market (may take a long time to sell anyway), keep dc1 in school until after GCSEs and leave other 2 until end Yr 6 then state secondary at natural break.

I am not sure about removing dc1 from private school. She will know now or one day in the future that she was made to leave her school and friends because her father wanted to shag someone else.

That doesn't however address the problem of educating dc1 differently from 2&3. It also leaves the problem for dc2&3 - we couldn't go to as good a school as dc1 because our dad shagged around.

FGS people should stop having affairs. Consequences are so far reaching.

Is private from 11-16, then state sixth form an option for them all?

If not, I would leave the eldest where she is but leave the younger two in the state system. Much tougher to be uprooted and moved to a different school than to stay in the system you're in.

Your friend would have a better chance of getting a bursary (if needed) for the DC that's already there than she would of getting one for the younger two that aren't yet there.

There are probably more options than this.

How honest is DH being about the finances? She shouldn't just accept that the money for fees isn't there. He could be trying to ringfence money to finance his new-found bacheor lifestyle.

They could also look into remortgaging the house and/or cashing in a pension plan to find the shortfall.

I agree with adeucalione that options 1&2 will be divisive and inappropriate for 1 or 2 of the DCs and neither of them would be seen as fair or equitable.

She should also consult her DCs in this decision though. The oldest will definitely be old enough to understand the situation and have their own opinion, and the younger two may also.

How about:

She stays in the house AND all the children go to private school as was intended.

And, he.... sorts himself out on the basis he couldn't keep it in his trousers.

Sounds totally fair to me.

I agree with Worry and Blueglue. If the marriage cant be saved I see no reason why children should lose home and schools because their father got an itch in his pants. When you marry and especially when you have children you make a commitment to them. You put them first. Who you want to shag becomes a very low priority indeed.

If the marriage can't be saved, then if I were in that position and if bursaries weren't available, I'd move house and put the children through private education. IMO, the house you live in (provided it is clean, comfortable etc) doesn't alter life prospects like a good education.