private school fee dilemma

[WineOhWhy]

I am posting this for a friend, so may not be able to answer all questions. Essentially, however, the position is as follows:

3 DC, all went to/are at state primary. Eldest is now at private secondary school and really likes it. Intention had been to send younger 2 there in due course.

Friend has just split up with her DH (his affair - now apparently over). He has moved out and is saying that, taking into acocunt extra living costs, it will not be possible to send all 3 to private school. Or rather, if they wanted to, the house would have to be sold and my friend and DC move into cheaper house (which realistically may need to be in a different area to be able to afford something). State secondary option is ok but not great. DCs would at least have friends there, though. They could probably afford to leave eldest in private school.

I have no idea how tight the finances are but assuming this is right, what is the best thing to do:

1. Keep house (as less disruptive to the DC as a whole) and accept that younger 2 will have to go to State school (but leave eldest in private so as not to disrupt her).

1. As 1, but take DC1 out of private school and send her to state school. Otherwise, it would be unfair on the others as they will not have the opportunity.

1. Move house to a cheaper area and send all 3 to private school.

FWIW, friend works close to full time and thinks she would struggle to earn enough more to make up the shortfall.

Friend does not know what is best. She acknowledges she is not thinking straght anyway as she has been knocked for 6 by the affair.

The thing about him renting a bedsit is that he won't be able to have the DCs overnight and friend assumes court would not consider that a satisfactory outcome for the DC and their relationship with their dad. And despite what she has been through she kind of sees that.

The thing about leaving to a court to decide is that she is not sure if they would take future school fees into account, and she is not sure what to ask for anyway. Obviously she needs proper legal advice, but is in a bit of denial (makes it more real).

NO idea if what he says about the finances is correct. Friend thinks there is something in it looking at their income but there might be assets that could be realised. she does not think he is being devious, but maybe not looking at the bigger picture.

I have a friend who is separated from her DH. (but I think they hope a reconciliation may happen, which I suppose colours things)

He has bought a small (tiny) flat for himself. She is continued staying in the house and their children at school (both private). On 'his weekends', he stays in the house. She has the option of using the flat but hasn't ever done so. She usually stays with friends I think. If they do get back together, they'll rent the flat out (easy to rent as small)..

This takes a degree of maturity, I agree, but that kind of comes with having kids. IMHO, it is the best solution for the kids.

How big is this house?

If they are mature and sensible enough to be creative about this, they may be able to adjust the house to fit their family circumstances.

When I was a teenager, my parents bought a house that had previously been used by a family where the parents divorced and found a way to convert their house to live apart together.

The ground floor was a flat for one parent, the top floor was a flat for the other parent, and the childrens bedrooms and family bathroom were on the middle floor. Each parental flat had both an external and an internal entrance door - the latter could be fastened open to join it with the middle floor when that parent was in charge of the children, or fastened shut when the other parent was in charge.

I never knew the family in question, but I know they lived like that for many years and sold the house and went their separate ways once the youngest child finished school.

Sounds like your friend has some srious thinking and work to do.
1- is the marriage completely over?
2 -see a solicitor for advice.
3- easiest option is sell the family home, he rents or buys a 2 bed flat, she buys a 3 bed semi or terraced house within budget, and he keeps paying for eldest DC already at private school.

I think he has to be the one to make sacrifices and if his income can stretch to renting somewhere with 2 beds until the kids are older and house sold that might work.

I realise I am behind the times with this - been away. As others have said - if the youngest are in year 5 and year 2 and not currently in private education, there is no need to do anything at all there. They would be going to a 'different' school at year 6 whether state or private. If financially it is not managable and the school is not open to the idea of bursaries (and at this stage you are only seeking help for the year 5 pupil - year 2 is just too far away to think about - anything could have happened by then!) then they go to the best state school you can find. Not really even a decision to be made. However - where will eldest child be when the year 5 is ready to start school? If she is not far from GCSEs the school may be a LOT more helpful than you might think. Going to 6th form college for A Levels is a normal step for parents from private and state education, so that stage should not be a major concern. If the eldest is an academic stunner then perhaps they will have a 6th form scholarship to think about. (Of course if year 5 pupil is gifted in any area you could go for a scholarship and ask to be means tested for a top up bursary and would probably be eligible fopr a sibling discount).

Until the school has been properly approached your friend has no idea what she is up against - at this stage I think the house and what happens to it are actually a completely separate issue.

If I were the eldest and at a school I was really enjoying I would see it as some sort of 'punishment' somewhere deep in the psyche for what was happening with the parents - a scary enough thing for a budding teen to deal with at the best of times.

I don't think the husband is trying to be a shit here - sounds like he is trying to be realistic. So often we see parents crashing into private education and crashing out later when they realise their sums have just not added up.

Option 3. But I would be talking to a divorce lawyer to force soon to be ex to pay for dc2 and dc3.

His 'extra' living costs should be minimal. He only needs a bedsit. Rent and council tax on a bedsit is less than 2 children's school fees by a lot.

I would aldo talk to the school.

Could they continue to live in the same house but as a separated couple?

If not, in your friends position I would move to a smaller house, but only if it could be guaranteed that my two younger children could go private. but there is nothing that will guarantee that, as by the time the youngest child is ready to o to secondary, the cheating Dad could have had more babies. Or he coudk be made redundant.

There must be a good reason for them to have chosen the private route so far, and if there are other options I wouldn't be happy with an 'ok but not great' school. If they have to sell the house, then are there any other areas not too far away that the Mum and dc could move to to secure a better state school?

They both need to get separate solicitors advice, but I don't see the sense in making all these descisons now, especially as your friend cannot be thinking straight.