DD going up to High School without her BF. I'm really sad...

[flapperghasted]

I know it's illogical. DD is 11 and has been mates with popgirl since they started primary. They have been best mates. They've always had other friends too, so it's not been too insular, but they have been best buds all that time.

Primary school is coming to an end, and kids are asked who they want to go up with, house-wise; 4 names of people they'd like to be with, and 2 names of people they don't want to go up with.

DD got 1 person from her list...a girl who is a good friend, but is really dependant on her. They have been good friends for the best part of this year and this girl's mum suggested strongly to the teaching staff that she wanted my dd and her dd to go up together because her dd has special needs (I know this both from the mum and from general discussions in the staff room about supporting the more vulnerable kids as I work in the school). The two girls get on great, and I'm glad that flappergirl has her with her. But they are so different, I don't see this friendship lasting long term.

Flappergirl also got one girl who she really doesn't get on with, who was on her 'don't' list. I get that this was likely to happen and I do wonder why they asked for this when it's bound to start looking like a popularity contest and some kids are bound to be put on the 'don't' list because they don't have the best social skills or contacts. Feels wrong really, but that's another gripe.

Today we found out dd isn't with her best friend, but her other two choices are with this girl. I feel irrationally gutted. Deep down I know that High School is the place where they make new friends and new links and the chances that the friendship would have continued in the same vein is unlikely. But it feels wrong. I feel like DD has been penalised because she's easy going...one of those wallpaper kids who just gets on and doesn't ever make a fuss.

Please...just tell me I'm being a numpty and I should get over myself.

I don't know what to say other than when DS1 started High School no such lists were made and they ended up where they ended up.

She will cope but you could make a special effort to help maintain the friendship with sleepovers etc. if you work in the school, can you challenge it? I would, and I work in a school. My children have to suffer having a teaching Mum so they only benefit is being able to have a quiet word.

I would definitely get in touch with the year 7 co-ordinator now and say you dont feel happy about it and tell them why? They will probably do something with the situation if you get in early. If not then dont forget the girls will probably meet up in other 'streamed' groups or P.E lessons and break times. Remember when you were at high school? it was more about friendship groups than special one to one friends at that age, and all from different classes.

Thanks Sparkling. I know you're right. She's lucky to have had any choice. But it's the fact that her friends got 3 out of 4 with their choices and my daughter got 1.

Rose I can't see what good it will do. I will tell the teacher how unhappy I am, but I don't think it'll change anything. DD's in the house she's in now. The teacher will just say that it doesn't make that big a difference, and they'll be together sometimes at school and they'll all make new friends anyway. But she knows it's not the same. And she knew they were best friends. Why do this??

Crypes I think part of the problem is that I was horribly bullied at school. I couldn't tell you a good friendship from a poor one because I didn't have any friends during secondary school. At all.

I developed social skills at a later age and no-one would believe me if I told them that I was once friendless and unable to interact socially. I evidently still bear the scars, though on the surface I'm the happy, chirpy, get on with anyone type.

Prior to today I was fine. I could see, in abstract, that they would be o.k if they weren't in the same house, but now it's happened, I'm so nervous about her starting at the big school and I just keep crying.

at the school my DS is in they deliberately break up friendship groups and mix them up when they start in y7. DS is in the opposite half year to his best mate, and the majority of his friends - this means he will not have any lessons with them until y10 at the earliest. DS has made new friends, strengthened existing ones, but has also deliberately ensured he has kept up with his old mates by going to the same lunchtime and afterschool clubs, and having them round after school.

I suppose what I am saying is, it may look hard now, but I am sure your DD will be able to keep the friendship up if she tries, and will also extend her friendship base which can be a good thing!

Luckily dd is out of the house, with her best friend strangely enough, and I've got half an hour to sort out my shit. She's 11. She'll be handing it fine. It's me that's having a complete breakdown over something so silly.

PandaG I wouldn't worry so much if her best friend wasn't with 3 of her other best friends, if you know what I mean. If they'd split them all up, fair enough, but they all had each other on their lists. Only DD has been split up from them.

I know it's up to me to make an effort. I know she'll probably make new friends, but I keep thinking, what if she doesn't???

The other 3 are good friends, not best friends, but you know what I mean..

oh bless you. I must admit, I did worry a bit when we realised that DS was in the opposite half year, but tbh it has worked really well for him.

It sounds like your DD is a lovely girl, if the other girl's mum was so keen for her to be with her daughter, so I am sure she will make other friendships.

I have made very little effort in supporting DS's friendships - yes we run him about to a couple of afterschool clubs, and I make sure the biscuit tin is full and that he knows his mates are always welcome at our house. I think that is the best thing you can do - suggest DD invites friends - old nad new - round to help cement the relationships.

Hope it goes ok fo you!

Thanks PandaG. That's really kind. We've always operated a bit of an open house policy, because dd was an only one, not through choice, so I've always tried hard to fill the house with kids one way or another :) Looks like my biscuit bill might be going up though!

This irrationality is soooo not like me. I am generally the one telling dd to buck up her ideas and sort herself out, telling her that everything can't be perfect. That's probably one of the reasons why she's been singled out, because she's eminently sensible and level headed.

She so takes after her dad :)

I wouldn't worry too much. At least your DD is going to the same school as her best friend and lots of her other friends. I don't think many schools allow this level of choosing. And they will still see each other at break time and are at an age when they can organise their own social lives and meet up in their spare time when they want. DS remained friends with his best friend from primary thoughout secondary although they were in different classes, although they were in the same sets for some subjects at 14+.

Thanks CecilyP. I think my own experience at Secondary School was so godawful because I didn't move up with any friends and didn't manage to make any. You're right. This is totally different. She has a lot of friends with her and a good friend who is in her house. This is really a case of parental anxiety causing problems that aren't really there! (Something I would ordinarily roll my eyes at...which will teach me to put my judgeypants away for good this time :)).

You're being ridiculous. I'm gobsmacked that they were allowed to specify who they did and didn't want to be with.
She will make new friends.

I would be a bit if my boys were featuring on 'who don't you want to be with' lists.

II made the best friend that I still have today (30 years later!) in high school when we both got placed in a class with only a couple of girls we knew...we'd been to different primarys. High school is he BEST for branching out and meeting new kids from different areas.

Thanks everyone. You can guarantee that the 'don't want' lists have caused nightmares. There are a couple of girls in dd's class who will almost definitely have been on most people's lists because they've had real issues with friendships this year, despite efforts being made to resolve things. I must confess that being the mum of those girls must be a real nightmare and in comparison I have chuff all to contend with.

I think you're right about complaining about the process. It is a bit ridiculous and I don't think either of us would have been so anxious if not for the expectations they set up. In addition, the 'not want' list will have created issues of it's own and smacks of popularity contest type exclusion.

I'm not sure my girl won't have been on one of the 'don't want' lists as she had friendship issues with one girl last year and though they made friends, her mum and I had a bit of a fall out. She's just the kind of person to add my dd to her 'not' list!

Grip being got as we speak!

I would imagine the children have discussed their lists too. It reminds me of Big Brother. Can they nominate each other to get kicked out at October half Term?

So should I be grateful that my DD is the only one from her primary going to her Secondary in September?!

I think so foad. She will have the pick of friends.

Luckily, that's what she thinks too!

You're being ridiculous. I'm gobsmacked that they were allowed to specify who they did and didn't want to be with.
She will make new friends

If I have understood this correctly, I am gobsmacked any school would be allowed to attempt this level of social engineering at all. Are you saying that the school has made efforts to split up friends and ensure that they buddy up with other children instead?

How dare they manipulate friendships. You choose your own friends and those you want to be with, not the school.
Kids go uptogether and stay together. If they decide to change friends , thats their decision, not the schools.

I would be even more annoyed if my DC was being used to prop up special needs to the excusion of other friends.

Have I got that right?

Don't panic - I'm sure she will still be able to remain friends with all those as well as making lots of new ones

DD went to secondary with some other children from primary. They asked for the names of three that she would like to be with and she just put that she would be happy to be with any of them. She ended up with none of them in her actual tutor-group, but made loads of new friends and is still friends with all of them (even the boys!)
DD and her bf from primary went to different schools. Two years on, they are still bf's and see each other socially/FB/text. So it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom