Back to school today and DD completely hysterical ...

[sandyballs]

..... sobbing and screaming as soon as she woke up, continued all through breakfast and dressing and walking to school. The teacher had to hold her back forcefully in order for me to leave and it has upset me terribly. She has been so happy and jolly during half term, singing and playing and now it's back to this again. She is 5 and in reception and the teacher says she calms down after about half an hour, but I can't help wondering why she is like this, why does she hate it so much. I've talked to her and asked her what bothers her and she just says she misses me. I've spoken to her teacher and she says she is very quiet, but seems happy enough. She's not at all quiet at home, the opposite in fact. She's changed since starting school and is now an anxious, nervy, clingy child during term time, nothing like she was at nursery.

Sorry to rant, just upset and worried about her.

Has anyone else had this for such a long time - she's been there 6 months

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Thanks for replying socci. I did wonder about changing schools but she has a twin sister who loves this school so I wouldn't want to move her and having two at separate schools would be a bit difficult. And supposing she was the same at a new school after all the effort of moving her.

Oh Sandyballs, how Poor you. And your poor dd. Is her twin in the same class with the same teacher?

No, she's in a different class, although it is very open plan and they do spend a lot of time together as well. I've asked her if she'd like to be with her sister all the time and she doesn't seem bothered so I don't think it's that really. Although I do think she would perhaps be happier in that class as the teacher is very soft and gentle and hands-on with her class and the other teacher (although a good teacher), is a bit more aloof and distant. Her sister is horrified at the thought of being together though, she appreciates her space and her own friends since they were separated. Can't please them both can I!

So I'm guessing they were together at nursery? Could it be that your dd is having more trouble adjusting to being separated from her twin than her twin is? I'm no expert on twins but this did happen to one twin boy at my ds's school. Not sure how long it went on for, though. Could you ask to see her teacher again and ask for her help in dealing with this?

I think I will ask to see her teacher again, it's difficult to talk to her in the mornings with all the commotion, I need to see her on her own I think and see what she suggests. At the moment she just tells me that DD calms down after I left and seems OK.

I think that's a good idea - she may think it's all OK because your dd calms down in class, so I reckon you need to tell here how much it's affecting your dd (and you!) at home. Good luck! I hope you get it sorted quickly. I know how upsetting it is.

Oh, Sandyballs, this must be horrible for you.
I think I would try moving her into the other class, if that is a possibility.

And yes, have a talk with the teaher - and tel her that dd is NOT quiet at home. It was the same thing that alerted me to the fact that DS han't settled at his previous nursery - they said 'oh, he likes to sit quietly and observe, doesn't he?'. Er, no!. However, DS settled v quickly into a new nursery. I wonder if moving your dd into the other class might make her feel as if she had been listened to, and had some attention paid to her unhappiness, and therefore a bit more in control.

Sympathies

Will the teacher let you stay for a little while? Can you make a deal, you will stay for 10 minutes if she doesn't fuss?

Have you spoken to the teacher and told her how worried you are?

I have a very sensitive dd1 who occassionally had phases of donig this, I pandered as much as I could. She is now 6 and in Year one and so much better.

Thanks for all your replies. It's so awful to see her so unhappy. When I try to talk to her about it she gets very angry and aggressive and we get nowhere. She did let slip this morning though that she was terrified of being sick at school - a couple of her classmates have been apparently. I suppose it could be something as simple as that which she has blown out of proportion in her little head. I will arrange to see the teacher. If it does continue perhaps I could try her in the other class.

I see your point Batters, the teacher has said she thinks it has become a habit. I don't mind the odd tears, that wouldn't worry me, but this morning was hysterical crying, very very distressed from the moment she got up. I have tried the no fuss, let's ignore it, just get on with it, kind of attitude with her. But then a bit of me thinks maybe I should be taking it more seriously, she's been there six months, maybe there is a lot more to it that she is unable to articulate. Or maybe some kids just don't like school, full stop. She is a perfectionist and gets terribly upset when things (in her mind) don't seem perfect, such as her reading, writing etc, which would make school harder I suppose.

Thinking about it, she isn't keen on me leaving her anywhere really, not just school. Maybe she thinks I'm not coming back.

I think everyone else has really good suggestions - just wanted to commiserate as it's quite horrific, isn't it. The two weeks when I had to peel DD1 (now happy as a pig in the proverbial) off me every morning were shudderingly awful.

A girl in dd's year was like this for the first couple of terms when they started school. She'd scream and try to escape, throw her lunch bag over the fence and her school bag and have to be more or less carried into school. Her mum used to get really upset then then (somehow) just started ignoring it, kissed her goodbye and turned and walked away. I don't know how she did it but the behaviour stopped eventually. Must be agonising for you.

Sorry, I have no advice but surely the head should have some ideas for you? She must have seen this before.

I am concerned for you that it has gone on for 6 months, and that she is not really entering into things during the day - the being quiet, etc. I think kids DO get into habits and take on a rather melodrmatic stance, sometimes, but this seems to have gone on for so long, that I would have thought she would have got distracted out of soething like that.

Where else does she not like you leaving her , SB? Is she ok if you leave her with grandparents? her Dad?

Honestly can't think of anything other than talk to the teacher, at this stage.

sandyballs

No real experience on this but I was a really shy nervous child and imo it could easily be something like the being sick that has upset her - maybe she thinks she might be ill at school and have to stay there feeling poorly (i.e. that she won;t be allowed to come home). Or something similar.

And also she may not be able to tell you the real reason because she can't (feels it's silly, etc) so she says something vague like she just misses you, when in fact the fear is something really specific.

Despite the fact that you say she doesn't seem boterhed about her twin, I would see whether you can get her moved into that class, it might give her the added security she needs.

I feel I spent a lot of my childhood cowering from hardy types who tried to tell me to stop being silly, buck up and get on with things. It just makes it worse.

She's fine with her dad and her grandparents, but that's about it. She used to be fine with anyone, but not since starting school. She won't go to play dates unless I stay, won't be left at parties and last week, for the first time, got hysterical at the thought of going to a friend's for lunch - this is a friend of mine from ante-natal group whose son she has known since birth. She knew I was staying there with her but I had to practically carry her into the house amid must screaming and anxiety and asking to go home. When she realised that I wasn't going to take her home she calmed down and went off to play and I hardly saw her all afternoon. In the car going home she said what fun she had had and asked when were we going again. God she sounds a complicated little soul doesn't she, bless her .

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I have twin boys aged 4.5 also started school in September. Thankfully they have settled in fine and love going in. However I have a friend who also has a Ds in my boys class who behaves in the same way as your DD, having had no problems in nursery. In fact over xmas he constantly cried over going back to school. His mum has terrible trouble getting him in to school each morning. She managed to get to the bottom of it a few weeks ago and it turns out that another child in the class is "scaring" him. The other boy has behavoural problems and is currently being assessed for ADHD. From what I hear he is very aggressive and hits people quite regularly. It took a long time for her DS to admit that this was why he didnt want to go in to school. It turns out that there are a few other children in the class who are also terrified of him and have also not wanted to go in. Anyway the boy with problems has been off school for a fortnight and the children have been fine about going into school. Even my DT2 said he was glad that this boy wasnt able to go to a particular party that they all went to last week. sorry for the long story but just wondered if perhaps there was a particular child in your DD's that was causing the problem?

particular child in your DD's class