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Original poster

The parents at dd's state school all live in £600k houses - how can I invite them to my lowly abode?

64 replies

mousiemousie · 07/02/2006 18:30

My dd goes to a state school in an area where property prices are high.

Nearly all the other kids (at least 25 out of 30) live in £600k houses and I feel really embarrassed to invite their kids to my shabby little flat. It's not even very clean as I hate housework. Any advice or anyone else giving themselves grief over this?

OP posts:
tamum · 07/02/2006 18:35

I don't know if this is going to help at all, and I fear it may sound like showing off, so forgive me if it does. We live in a big house, and lots of ds and dd's friends live in flats. I always feel awkward, and want to apologise, because we have a bigger place. I can honestly say, hand on heart, that my children have never said anything about other children's houses being smaller than theirs, they don't really seem to notice.

sibdoms · 07/02/2006 18:37

fuck 'em. Most people won't judge you for not having as much money as them. If they do they are dunderheads. Invite whoever your child wants over.If space is really an issue, take a friend swimming, or to the cinema - but that is expensive and "treaty" so probably not doable every week. I think you have to really hold your head up about this one. Make sure the kid who comes over, and your kid, have a grand old time. That's all that's important.

MrsWobble · 07/02/2006 18:37

not sure if this counts as advice but please do invite your dd's friends. I'm the other side of the issue from you in that we live in "a big house" compared to some of my children's (state school) class mates and it can be just as lonely there. You don't say how old your dd is but I would be surprised if the children noticed the difference let alone cared and the parents will be pleased with the opportunity for playdates.

FioFio · 07/02/2006 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

donnie · 07/02/2006 18:41

I agree that children really don't seem to notice things like this and any parent worth a bean won't care either so don't worry!

Tinker · 07/02/2006 18:45

Invite them. Good for everyone to see how the other half lives. They just won't realise this until they're older.

MarsOnLife · 07/02/2006 18:46

we lived in a tiny flat and all of the kids friends (well most) lived in lovely big houses.

The kids were always keen to come to ours cos they could just get on with it. We had a communal garden which was the biggest draw. Lots of kids outside you see.

My friends (amongst the mums) would come in, kick their shoes off and curl up on the couch with a cuppa. Lovely!

Don't worry. The kids won't notice and nor will the mums that matter.

Twiglett · 07/02/2006 18:46

hospitality counts

not the place you live but the warmth of your home

fuck I sound like an American verse .. sorry about that ..

Arabica · 07/02/2006 18:46

mousiemousie, are you me?? I feel the same way. It's apparently called CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)! Where I live there are 3-bed Victorian terraced houses worth around 500K, and we live in one too--except ours divided into two flats so we are crammed into half their living space. We've got someone over on a playdate tomorrow, am dreading it. Luckily the mum is absolutely lovely and just glad to have met another friendly face at the school gate so I know she'll understand my embarrassment re stained carpet, broken lino, and lack of functioning oven!

Original poster
mousiemousie · 07/02/2006 18:54

I am starting to feel better, thanks you guys!

I know the kids will be completely fine, it is just me feeling that parents will judge me (and dd) for having a place that is so much more humble. If I don't invite anyone then they won't know or judge either me or dd.

But I guess the price is too high to pay in that dd won't have as many playdates and that could affect her friendships. So far the only folk I have had round are the odd few in similar circumstances to me. Otherwise I have taken children out on playdates to museums etc!

I wonder if some people will actually like me more for having a shabby and untidy place as then they can feel better about their own house!

OP posts:
grall · 07/02/2006 19:05

Definitely mousie -also don't know how old yr lo is but the shabbier the flat the better to indulge in messy play such as art and craft/bubble blowing/cooking-the kids will love it and their parents will be grateful to you for sparing them. I remember being a kid and desperately wanting to live in a high rise flat-remember Mary Mungo and Midge the kiddie programme anyone? Or am I showing my age....

stitch · 07/02/2006 19:06

invite them. this is a lesson children need to learn in life. exactly what they learn depends on you, and how you protray it.
ive taught my kids that whats important is the size of the welcome they get, not the size of the house. and if anyone judges me negatively by the state of my kitchen cupboard doors, or lack of them, then they are not worthy of being my friend.
you are what you are. be proud of it.

nulnulcat · 07/02/2006 19:31

most of my friends live in lovely big houses but me and my dd live in a tiny 1 bed house and we are always having friends over at 2 the children dont care about the living situation and the mums dont care either. i love my daughter and thats all that matters not the fact we dont live in a big house with big garden not one of the other mums i know has ever said anything and when ive got upset about it they tell me there is nothing to worry about

foxinsocks · 07/02/2006 19:35

people will just think you are 'bohemian'. The only cleanliness thing I would draw the line at though, is making sure your loo is clean (nothing worse than a dirty loo!).

We had a little boy round who looked round our little house and said 'but where is the rest of it?'. He comes from one of those beautiful double fronted Victorian houses where the ceilings in one room are about as high as our 2 storey house!

Don't worry about it.

nulnulcat · 07/02/2006 19:35

and i grew up in a huge big house and went to school with a load of kids who didnt and i never got invited anywhere as they all thought i was posh i thought there houses were great and when i did get an invite it was great as there mums tended to let us make a mess!!!

LIZS · 07/02/2006 19:38

In similar position except our school is private and the situation is not helped by living 8 miles from it so a wide area covered and long drives at the end of the day are not ideal for anyone. This is part of the reason we plan to move but even then we won't be in the same league as some. Tinker, sorry to disagree, but even fairly young kids are aware of the material differences .

mrsdarcy · 07/02/2006 20:19

We had one child round for a playdate who came into the kitchen and said "why is your washing machine in the kitchen, don't you have a utility room for it" and "your kitchen isn't very big is it?" . He's actually a nice little boy. His mother is lovely. His father is nice too but I think v materialistic and I could really hear his father in his comment.

I must say, my main reaction was to think how mortified his mother would be if she could hear him, and that I must make sure that my own children know better than to make remarks like that.

There's always someone out there with more material wealth than you, it's just not worth getting hung up about it

snowleopard · 07/02/2006 20:26

As a child i lived in a relatively big house with 4 floors, though my parents weren't rich (it was run down, cheap and in a nasty area). I thought flats were the most exciting thing ever - I was thrilled to be invited to friends' flats. I could never get over the bedrooms being on the same floor as the kitchen etc. In fact I live in a flat now and still find it quite thrilling Realise I sound a but mad but honestly, kids don't think that way. I love the 'but where is the rest of it?' comment but I bet it was just an innocent comment - if you get anything like that, just explain, this is a flat, it works differently. Kids need to learn all this stuff. They'll have a great time.

snowleopard · 07/02/2006 20:28

Sorry I know you are more worried about the parents, which I haven't addressed. Hold your head high and be proud of your flat and who you are - it will rub off on them.

Angeliz · 07/02/2006 20:31

We moved to a big house a few years ago and the comments i got were unreal. A freind said she'd have to wear her 'ladyclothes' now to visit me and my Uncle wouldn't come unless he was invited, which he never was as he wasn't when i lived in the cottage. I have been to lots of houses visiting with dd1 (freinds from School) and they all have very different houses, big,small and one friend is renting and literally just has boxes everywhere. DD had never commented and iw ouldn't expect her to tbh.
If anyone appears bothered then they're very shallow indeed!
I'm sure no-one will though, it's your paranoia.
Go on have a play date

Angeliz · 07/02/2006 20:32

Have to say, i was MUCH happier in the little cottage too!

AngelaD · 07/02/2006 20:43

i think it should be clean, i wouldn't have a problem with a flat i would have a problem with a dirty home be it a £600k house or a flat.

Mercy · 07/02/2006 20:51

mousie, the parents can like it or lump it basically. On the whole, children do not notice these things and are much more interested in what toys, videos etc their friends have - and what's for lunch!

Agree you need to have a cleaning session though, sorry.

goldenoldie · 07/02/2006 21:06

Errrrr, you might want to give it a bit of a clean before inviting anyone over? The kids won't notice the mess/dirt, but the mums will.

Issymum · 07/02/2006 21:13

Like Mrs Wobble we're probably on the other side of the fence here as DD1 and DD2 were/are at a state nursery but we live in a big, old, rambling house. I was and still am always thrilled to be invited to playdates and don't give a damn about the house/flat - I'm going for coffee not buying the place! However, I suspect that we host rather than attend more playdates, but that's probably because there's a tacit agreement amongst us that it's easier to have them at our house where there's plenty of indoor and outdoor space for the children to run around. Our house has the added advantage of 'distressed' or pre-trashed decor!

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