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Original poster

Am not one of those mothers standing at the school gate..... help!

39 replies

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 15:37

Ds1 srarted school nursery this week, just afternoons. I was looking forward to meeting the other mums and finally making some friends! (how to admit that!}

Anyhow, getting the bus to the school there were a few people with children the same age as ds dressed in the uniform, I thought great, maybe he will have some friends live local etc..

Waiting outside the school, the parents seemed to all be grouped together looking friendly and chatting (they all knew each other as they were september starters) so I decided to bite the bullet (I am very shy in real life!) and start talking. So I said "Its xxx's first day today" to which the convo stopped and everyone looked at me... so I continued "I think im more nervous than him" to which there was polite laughter and then they carried on talking amongst themselves...

Same sort of thing happened yesterday too.

Then today i decided to try again "xxx has settled in really well" says me, in return i get polite smiles and they carry on talking.

There are 5 or so mums that get the same bus home as me and seeing as we all have buggys we are grouped in the same place on the bus, walking to the bus, they all walk in a group and I walk a little way behind them. No one talks to me on the bus either. @ mums get off at the same stop as me and we walk in the same direction although they walk together and again I am left walking a little way behind. They must only live a couple of minutes away from me.

Am I doing something wrong? Is it me - am I really not likeable? Good enough??

Is there some sort of ettique im missing???

OP posts:
Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 15:37

Gosh...that sounds a bit pathetic - sorry!

OP posts:
TeddyRobinson · 11/01/2006 15:40

Give it a few weeks!

Also, once your ds settles and starts to play with certain children, that's usually a way to get chatting to their Mums.

I've really met people through who ds has been friendly with - but then, I just talk anyway and the Mums I've met are all really friendly.

I have to admit, some are not!

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 15:44

They all seem really friendly - just towards each other and not to me! (although they are not unfriendly either, just sort of indifferent!)

Could age be a factor? I am about 10 years younger than most of them?

And how, do people manage to take the child to nursery, come home, and hour later get the bus to nursery and then come home again??? Its exhausting! I will be so fit by the end of the year!

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rummum · 11/01/2006 15:45

Maybe its the purple and yellow spots and the brummy accent [joke]

I think this happens every where.. or at least it did to me...

Do they have a new parents meeting where you can meet all the other new mums...

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 15:47

lol, i covered up the yellow spots and they are all from birmingham so i think i got away with it

There was only one other January starter and the mom is in and out of the door so quick i barely see her!

OP posts:
beejay · 11/01/2006 15:48

I felt the same way when dd started school. No-one 'took me on' for first few weeks, then one mum did, then another before I knew I had loads of school gate 'mates'. Keep at it, I say

tiredemma · 11/01/2006 15:49

eewww! the school gates, i posted on here in sept about the fishwives at ds's school.
i very rarely get a "hello" out of any of them. it did bother me at first, not because i crave their friendship, but i thought " who are they to ignore people" - now i dont even make eye contact with them, i get ds and off we go.
i stand and hear them chatting total crap about nothing and im glad not to have to participate in their conversations.

tiredemma · 11/01/2006 15:50

tamba, im in brum. its not north b.ham is it?

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 15:53

We are in south Birmingham

I am actually quite proud of myself as usually when dh is at work i dont go out the house but the thought of doing this every day for the next few years is exhausting! I so need to learn to drive! But will be good excersize - gah!

OP posts:
dexter · 11/01/2006 15:56

good luck and I'm sure others are right when they say keep at it - though it's outrageous that you should have to, these women sound pathetic (but I know exactly what you mean as I felt the same at a local playgroup and cravenly just gave up in the end, went to one where I already knew someone instead).

This lack of replying to you just shows their inadequacies. The only thing you could maybe do differently is to ask open questions - then you should be guaranteed a reply. Maybe something like "I'm a bit worried about my child not doing (this or that) yet - does your child do this?" I dunno, just something to make them reply, and people usually like talking about themselves and their kids!

Keep going - eventually I'm sure you'll get there with the silly moos. If you want to!

FairyMum · 11/01/2006 16:07

I think they sound very rude. Everyone knows it takes courage to approach little groups like that. Really they should approach You as a newcomer I think. I normally ignore people like that and think "their loss".

Tommy · 11/01/2006 16:08

I felt a bit like this last year when DS started at nurdery - all the other mums seemed to have been tghere for ages and all had their little groups. But...this term, it's a bit different because all the older children have gone to recepetion so DS and I are more etsablished and we have our little group
It is a weird thing though this waiting at the gates...

iota · 11/01/2006 16:09

It takes time to break into an established circle of friends, and they have obviuosly got to know each other over the last few months if not before. Just keep at it and you gradually become one of the group

saadia · 11/01/2006 16:40

I think that's a bit rude. I have some particular groups at ds's nursery that I talk to and anyone is welcome to join and chat if they want to. It helps that nearly all the other mums are very friendly, much more so than the ones at his previous playgroup. I think you might need to get one of them by themselves rather than approaching a group.

poppiesinaline · 11/01/2006 16:46

Poor u Tamba. I can sympathise. I remember when DS1 first started school and feeling the same. Felt like it was me who had just started school and being left by myself in the playground! You will get cleeks (spelling?) wherever you go. It is hard to break into an already established group. Give it time. It will happen and you will soon be the one chatting too. I was quite surprised how long it took for me - probably about a good half term, maybe even one term before I felt like I 'belonged'. Just keep smiling and being friendly. You probably won't get on with all of them anyway, and will find someone in particular who you will 'click' with.

When DD started school I remember the cleek being quite bad and I just avoided those particular mums and started chatting to other mums who were either on their own too or in smaller groups. It turned out other people found that particular group 'cleeky' too! Hang on in there. It isn't you thats doing anything 'wrong'.

Pinotmum · 11/01/2006 16:50

Just keep nodding and smiling if you catch their eye. They are an established group. In time one of them will enquire about your child - if not then they are not worth knowing.

MarsOnLife · 11/01/2006 16:51

tamba my lovely.

You've just started at the school. The problem is that people get established with people that they see often. It's not always that people are too rude or deliberately ignoring the newbie. Sometimes they're about as busy as they can be without the effort of making a new friend. Sounds rather cold I know, but sometimes there just isn't enough brain space.

However, I think that you are doing the right thing in smiling, saying hello and having a bit of conversation (even if it is one way). I think that they will thaw over the next few weeks and start talking to you.

They may think that you are the au pair. lol My cousin in law was by far the youngest at the school gate when her first started (they tend to have babies later round here). She took her dd to a party one weekend and the mother asked if the mother of her dd was busy and that was why she had come. We had to laugh. They were convinced she was the au pair.

Think of it a bit like MN. Newbies come along. Some feel ignored for a while, but it's not a deliberate thing it's just that people are so busy catching up with what they've missed they don't realise that they've not seen the newbie. Bit of a vicious circle, cos the newbie then worries that there's a huge clique that they are not part of. Once they've had a few friendly posts they realise that actually it's not as bad as they thought.

This time next year someone will be posting to complain that you and your friends are those mothers at the gate.

Sunbeams and pulsing muscles babe!

serenity · 11/01/2006 16:58

When DS2 started Nursery I was determined not to end up Mummy-no-mates like I did with DS1's lot, so I approached the class teacher about doing an introductory coffee morning for all the parents. It was pretty successful, we actually made it a regular thing throughout the nursery year! I wouldn't say that we ended up as bosom buddies, but I think we are all comfortable with each other. Obviously it wasn't such a big deal for me to do it as I wasn't a total newbie, I'd been around a few years because of DS1, but it might be worth approaching your school about something similar? I'm definitely going to do it again when DD starts next year (sucker for punishment!)

LeftOverTurkey · 11/01/2006 17:00

Ask them a question, any question. Is there a lost property box for example. IME mums love to show off, sorry, share their knowledge expecially if they are old hands and you are a new girl. It also gives them something to say if they can't think of a response to a general observation. If that doesn't work maybe they are just cliquey.

We moved from a small town to a village and what a difference at the school gates. From a friendly inclusive atmosphere where new comers were welcomed I moved to cliques that I never quite penetrated.

BTW nothing to be embarassed about looking forward to making friends - almost all my friends are from ante-natal classes and the school gates (the first school gates!), so worth the effort.

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 17:04

Thanks

I feel better now, I guess it is just that im new and my embarrassed nervous attempts at conversation will eventually turn into confident "OMG xxx has been such a pain this morning.." conversations.

I will keep talking to them until they Have to talk to me! (I am not easy to ignore when i want some attention - ask poor DH )

I will keep my eye out for a quieter mom who looks a little less scary and attach myself to her that will be my way in lol

I just desperatly need some friends!!! Most of my old friends are still single and going to clubs and childless etc and last time i spoke to one of them the conversation went like this..

Her - OMG I met this well fit bloke last night, I was off my face, it was so wicked blah blah blah what did you do?

Me - I put the kids to bed, washed up, watched corrie...

Her - oh..................

love and light to you to Marsy you sweetie

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 11/01/2006 17:09

The school gates can be a bit cliquey, but give it time! Are there any other January starter mums you could focus on? You're all in the same boat then.

Hope it goes OK. I found the first day at school scenario mush more nerve wracking than the first day in a new job - all those other mums who looks as though they know exactly what's going on.... scary!!

motherinferior · 11/01/2006 17:12

Can you target one particularly friendly one? That's what I did - with the same sort of approach as you - and she introduced me to a few others. TBH I think you're doing exactly the right thing!

polly28 · 11/01/2006 17:15

tamba ,I really feel for you,my ds has been at nursey since september and I'm only now beginning to feel comfortable at the doors waiting.

Took a whole term,don't take it personally.

Original poster
TambaTheDragonSlayer · 11/01/2006 17:17

Made myself giggle today (which must have made me look a little odd but i pretended i was giggling at ds2 cause i was thinking about all the school gate threads on her and was thinking "im going to post about you cliquey lot later"

I wonder if any moms from there post on mn?? Hello if you do - I am the one in the brown coat looking lonely - talk to me!!!!!

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BudaBabe · 11/01/2006 17:29

Hi Tamba

Keep at it - you'll get there. It's a bit different here as we are all in the same boat really - all away from home so we tend to notice someone knew.

Was wondering about you the other day - how are mornings going? Still a mess or have they improved?