Would you move in my situation?

[onthemoveyetagain]

Hi there,

I really need some other people's advice on this one - going round and round in circles in my mind.

To cut a long story short, my 6 year old boy is a sensitive soul. He absolutely hated the private pre-prep we put it in and still has nightmares about the place even though he left over a year ago. We took him out and put him in a state school which he absolutely adored. The children and staff were so friendly unlike the private school which he claimed was unfriendly, gloomy and dark. Unfortunately, we had to leave the school he loved as we were given an opportunity in the Netherlands which we would have been mad to have turned down. Some will probably think that is selfish but that is another story and we had to come over here for several good reasons for our family.

My little boy has made me promise that any school he goes to now is "bright, cheeful and where everyone is friendly". We looked at one school and it was very much like his hated school in appearance - small, victorian building, dark. My son immediately said he didn't want to go there. So, we looked at another school which would entail a 1 and a half hour commute for my husband instead of 20 minutes. We also don't like the city half as much as where we are. BUT: my son loved the school. It is bright, cheerful, nice and airy, huge grassy woods and playgrounds. He immediately wanted to go there. We are trying hard to find a house to rent over there so he can go to the school he likes. Apart from the long commute and the fact we don't like the area as much, I also revisited the school yesterday for a second time. This time I took note of the teachers who would probably be teaching him and they just were not so warm. One teacher told us it wasn't a good time to speak to us. The Head was also not so warm but ok. The playground was amazing as before and the building was beautiful. Today, we revisited the first school where we live. This time, we liked it a lot more. The place is quite dark and very small and the playground is pretty non-existent. My son loved playing in his old playground in the woods and I know this is one of the major things he likes about the other school. BUT, I really liked the teachers in his year - they were so friendly. The Head was also wonderful with my son, so kind to him and really looked after him during our tour.

I am now so confused as to which school to go to. Should we move to an area that we don't like so much, triples my husband's commute to work - but has a school which my little boy likes. He said this school has a happiness factor of 7, but the other school only seems to be about 5. But he didn't notice the coldness of two teachers (albeit in an overall very friendly school). This school also has the huge range of resources and great playground. Or should we go to the school which looks so like the one he hates, is so small and has no playground really. BUT where the teachers in his year and the Head seem lovely - perhaps it is a different school to the one he hated even though in looks it seems so similar? We would also be able to stay in the area we are in at the moment.

Moving is no problem as we are only in a short-term apartment whilst we sort this one out.

Tonight, when I put my son to bed he said he found the school today a bit gloomy and really liked the other brighter one. But surely it is the teacher and Head that make a school more happy and bright/not the building?

Thank you for letting me brainstorm my thoughts. I would so appreciate any opinions on what you would do.

Honestly?

I'd be sending him to the gloomy looking building with the nice teachers.

It wouldn't have even been a consideration to look at a school involving an hour and a half commute.

Thanks for posting. Tbh, it is probably just over an hour's commute for dh. He is happy to do the commute if it is the right school. But you are right, it is probably unfair.

Frankly... Why on Earth are you allowing a 6 year old to make a decision that affect all the family?

He is 6 for god's sake, what does he know about what school is good or not? You are in charge of being his parents and decide for him until he is mature enough to make his own decisions. He is not there yet, honest!.

I do totally agree. Obviously, we are not letting him 'choose'. But after seeing him so unhappy at the school we chose before, I think it is important that I get an idea of which one he likes. Surely even children get that gut feeling - even at six? He was so unhappy before and I just don't want to put him through that again. I do see where you are coming from though - and you have made me stop and think. Thanks for posting.

You should send him to the school where you honestly think he will be happiest. If you think it's the small, gloomy school, then send him there, and explain why. Make up for the lack of playground by showing him the local park you can take him to, or the nice garden you'll have, etc.

And why are these two school, one and a half hours apart, the only two under consideration??

But I see your problem... your problem is do you believe his view of what will make him happiest, or go with yours? Does he know better than you what will make him happy, even at 6?

Are you just looking at "British" schools? Have you considered "International" ones? Or is it a question of fees? Have you considered sending him to a local "Dutch" school?

Is there any chance of doing a 2 week trial in each school before making up your (his) mind?

Thanks for these posts - some useful thoughts. We only have these two options as we are not here long enough to look at Dutch schools. I have looked at English-speaking schools here but they are definitely not right. I love an International school here but the fees are way out of the question. So it is between these two schools. The idea of a trial is a good one. It wouldn't work for the bigger school as it is so far away and we wouldn't be able to commute there. But it would definitely be worth asking if my son can go in for a day or more at the school here. Oh dear, your references to the 'dark and gloomy' school make me even worse. It wasn't that bad : ) And the staff were nice. It was just the old building and lack of space due to being right in the centre of the city. I do believe, however, that a great, friendly, kind head is probably going to have the happier school. And that was definitely the one here. Perhaps they would let me rejuggle things around and bring the brighter, happier school this way : ) Thanks for posting and helping me out on this one!

Oh, and one more thing to add - my other option would be to home-school. We are probably leaving in September anyway. I am doing that at the moment but feel it would be nicer for my son to have some friends and some social life. He also agrees that he would like to go to school "if it is really nice".

This is so strange as I have had a very simiar situation and can understand your worries. My DD is very sensitive to her surroundings too....what about if you send him to the gloomy but kind school nd tell DS that you will join th PTA and plant lots of flowers and therwise improve the look of the place....offer to help with any work around the school....my DH did this at our tiny (gloomy) private prep and eventually implemented a big change...we tore out the old trees in the yard and replanted everything....you could try similar?

We had pots and pots of spring bulbs planted...they really looked amazing.

Just been thinking about the pros and cons of each school. Sorry, hope you don't mind me brainstorming with you.

School here: Advantages: 20 minutes commute for dh to work, great city, teacher is lovely, headteacher is lovely, 3 minute walk to school.

Disadvantages: dark, Victorian building similar to the one my son hated (he made me promise his next school would be bright), tiny, gloomy playground with no equipment.

School in other city: Advantages: gorgeous building, massive playground with woods and slides etc, fulfils my promise of 'bright, happy and colourful'.

Disadvantages: didn't get good first impressions of Head, didn't get good first impressions of my son's likely-to-be teacher, much longer commute for dh (1 hour 15 mins), 20 minute walk to school, city is not as nice as where we are.

So, looking at my list - I now need to weigh up which is looking more right. Any objective opinions?

Oh, and another advantage of the 'other city' is that my son gave it a happiness rating in his own mind as a lot higher than here. But he is too young to notice the more subtle aspects - ie. headteacher/teacher. He just noticed the great carpets, multi-coloured walls and the slide he wanted to jump on in the playground

I still think school 1.

How 'bright' the school is won't matter if the teachers aren't right for him. He is probably thinking that a bright and airy school won't look like his old school so therefore won't BE like his old school, but as an adult, you know the world isn't that simple. Bright does not necessarily equal happy.

I am agreeing with MemysonandI - this isn't a decision your son should be making. At 6, you should be telling him that he is going to school X, and that's that.

Mumblingandbloodyragdoll - not sure why, but your post hit a nerve and made me cry. I think you might have hit the nail on the head and that is why!!!??? Both headteachers have offered me supply work (I teach) and my son is really excited about that. Both schools are also receptive to parents coming in - this was forbidden in my son's hated school. And I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of pot plants. And they are so cheap in the Netherlands. Thank you so much for this post!!!!!!!

My DCs fab junior school used to be very crowded, but the teachers did their most to make up for that, and use the outside whenever possible.
I would be inclined to go with school 1, as it doesn't sound as if it will be for long anyway.
I would also think about the more subtle things: do they change displays? Do they have lots of work on walls? Do they use their outside well? You could even ask about the lack of play equipment (maybe they take them to a local park, have a lot of stuff which comes out at break times, or the weather is too bad to use it most of the time?).
Near here there is a very nice modern senior school, which on the surface looks fab; but everyone I know who works there tries to move on asap. Maybe it will be good for your son to see he can have a nice time in older school buildings?

You have to choose, not him. So it's the nearer school, isn't it. Pots are a lovely idea.

School in your town. Why? It's close. You like the teachers and head and got a good feeling about it. The architecture of the buildings is irrelevant. He's going to be happy at a school with good, kind teachers. It doesn't matter how good the playground is if the teachers aren't interested in the kids.

And you're probably leaving in Sept? Why all this agonising? It sounds like at most he's going to be at the chosen school for two terms. Try out the local one and don't show him that you have reservations - kids pick up on even the most subtle of cues from their parents - and see how it goes. Be cheerful and optimistic when you talk to him about it. If you're full of conflicted emotions he will sense this. I know you just want him to be happy, but you're really over-thinking this.

glad to be of help

Agree with Juneau the nearest school ,and speaking as someone who also has a "sensitive" child (now 18 so we have been there and back and worn the T shirt) use this as a lesson ,never never promise anything that you cannot definitely deliver ,tell him you will try your best ,tell him you will always make the best decisions etc but you made a promise that wasn't really within your power to make .

Thanks Juneau and mrswoodentop : )) Good advice : )) I would have easily been able to keep my promise in England - we were able to move anywhere. But I didn't know we were going to be limited to a couple of schools in another country. Oh well, I think you have all spoken a lot of sense.

It's the people that make a good, happy school, buildings are largely irrelevant. I would always, always go with the one with the warm, welcoming teachers, especially at this young age.

I agree with flisspaps,your DS is just reacting to the fact that the buildings at school 1 look similar to those of his old school. He then equates that with the school being the same. You know that this is not the case, so reassure him of this. After a few days there he will work out that this school is completely different.

The idea of getting involved in revamping a bit and planting lots of flowers is also great.

Young kids don't really need masses of room, a happy environment is much more important.

Also, don't underestimate the effect a long commute for your DH will have on the whole family. He could end up hardly seeing your DS during the week, which is awful for a little boy who loves his Dad.

Both my DCs went to a small, pretty cramped local school from nursery age to age 7. It was such a warm and welcoming place that they loved it and were very sorry when it came time to leave. That school gave them such a lovely start in life. I am so glad I chose it over the local shiney pre-preps attached to senior schools. They had breathtaking facilities but the pressure they put on 4 year olds was scary.

carrotsarenottheonlyvegetables - you are very wise. Thank you - point absorbed and appreciated : )

Glad to be of service, onthemove

Good luck with the move and hope your DS is soon settled in with lots of lovely new little friends.

can I ask what about other aspects of the schools? eg results, ethos, breadth of curriculum, emphasis on languages, english, sport, art, music. your advantages seem to boil down to kind teachers v large well-equipped playground but there may be other factors which might help your decision. is there an equivalent of ofsted reports, league tables, even web forums like MN to help you decide? a couple of teachers seeming a bit distracted during a tour would not be enough to cause me to rule out a school, and also I wouldn't completely downplay the importance of wonderful playgrounds and a conducive environment, especially for a 6yo, although clearly good teaching ultimately trumps facilities.
fwiw my dh has an hour's commute and it's not a big deal - he still sees our dc from 6pm - 8pm each day.