Has anybody ever taken one dc out of private school but left another(s) in?

[fivecandles]

We are considering this as dc2 is struggling and doesn't seem to fit in whereas dc1 is thriving but feel as though it's a hugely problematic decision either way. Our main concerns are the way in which one child will get experiences and opportunities the other won't and this might exacerbate differences and divisions between them. The school is offering lots of additional support to dc2 atm which a state school will simply not be abl to do but the reality is that our younger child might be happier without this pressure. But although being allowed to drift a little bit more might make her happier in the short-term, what will it mean for her acheivement in the long term? Has anybody any experience of this? If you've ever taken one child out have they later rejoined the school? TIA

I'd move her to state.

If she's not coping with a selective school, she'll probably be bang in the middle of a state school, and hence feel much better about herself.

It's a difficult choice and I know some parents who have managed it more successfully than others.

For example I know one family where the eldest is at state because they are able to cope with his SEN far better than the private school that his younger sibling attends. Both DC are getting exactly what they need.

But I also know another family who are mortified that they can only afford to send one and the whole family is unhappy about it, including the younger daughter who is 'waiting'until she can go too.

I also know an adult who still resents the fact that her elder brother was given more opportunities as she sees it.

As always, these things are about how one manages expectations. If a child feels that thier feelings are being taken into account and that you genuiniely want to do the best for them, then all should be well.

That said, pulling a child out of a high achieving school becuase they are not academic enough sends some difficult messages no? You're not clever enough. You can't do this. And indeed the underlying feeling that the state school option will be easier.
I dunno, this will be tricky.

Thanks so much for all your thoughtful comments. I so often see threads that kick off that it's really nice to see the gentler, supportive side to Mumsnet. I think this is one of those choices that you can't know what the right decision until you have hindsight. Probably our next step is to have a look at the state schools and hope we get a gut feeling that a move would be good or bad for dd2.

Both of mine (who are 2 years apart age-wise) started at the same private school, but after a year or so it was apparent that whilst it suited ds1, ds2 would do better in a different environment. So we moved him to another school, as it happens also private, but smaller, and much cheaper.

Due to changes at ds1's school we eventually moved him 3 years later, but this time to a third school, which is in fact even more expensive than the first one. So we're probably spending about twice as much on ds1's schooling than on ds2's. So whilst not quite the state v private issue, there is a significant cost differential.

Being able to pay for private schooling should essentially mean that you have a greater choice of schools to choose from. It is indeed unfortunate if it isn't the case in your area. When moving schools I took careful consideration of each child's personality, needs and abilities. Ds1 likes sport and needs lots of space, and sporting opportunities. Ds2 is almost always found outside the school office with a sick-bowl when it comes to his weekly games lesson. Ds1 loves science and is used to very good facilities; ds2's school doesn't have a science lab.

Each child loves the school that they are in, and are thriving. And I explain to them why I think that their school is right to them. They have the opportunity to visit each other's school, and obviously end up at events at the other schools anyway.

The only time when there was any difficulty was when ds2 first left school. Because of the nature of the school run and its timings I had to drop off ds1 first and then take ds2 to his new school. Ds2 (then 5) found it difficult to see his old classmates going into his old school. But that lasted 2 or 3 days, and ever since he has been very settled, with no problems visiting his old school daily, as even he could tell that he preferred his new one.

Good luck with your looking. Do make sure that you look at every option available. You may be surprised.

Ds1 moved to the state sector when he left his prep at 13 yrs DS2 stayed in the independent sector when he left prep (boys boarding). I've only quickly read your posting fivecandles but the first point I noticed is the current school say she will be lost in a state school call me synical but they would wouldn't they after all they want and need your fees.
My DS although older than your DD is on paper is not a child who anyone would thought would settle in a large (1000 +) comp his previous prep was only 110. But he has never been happier or done so well.
The question is is DS1 jealous of DS2 does he feel he gets a less good deal. or as a friend says maybe its the other way round? I dont think so DS 1 would never have coped at DS2 school and DS2 would have been bored stiff at DS1 school so it works.
Just before DS 2 went to his new school he talked about financially repaying me when he's grown up; some unhelpful person had made a comment to him about looking after you parents when they're old! I explained I dont want his money and all I wanted was that if he ever had money he should give someone else the once in a life time opportunity he's being given (we're on a bursary) and also remember his brother who also sarficed things for his education.

I would also really think hard about the advantages and disadvantages of not having the children together in the same school. For me there are some distinct advantages, logistically for example in having the children at the same school and these are not to be underestimated!

onceinawhile Agree. It's also quite difficult to properly support more than one school.

I think onceinawhile and Swedes2 particularly applies at prep/ primary school level much less as they get older.

I have to agree, unless your kids are at a 4-18 school, you will have children at more than one school.
If one child is unhappy you have to weigh that against the difficulty of the logistics.

Yes, from this September we have taken our DD out of her private prep which has a senior school and put her into y7 of outr local comp. Her brother is still at his prep school and the plan is to keep him in the private system.

Several reasons for this. Finances were the main issue forcing us to have a good hard look at our choices. DD was at highly selective prep with top performing senior school with a guaranteed place for DD. She was one of the top ones in a class of very bright girls, enjoyed her time there and had a lot of good friends. It became clear though that we would struggle to keep both DCs private for much longer, would very likely have to downsize house, give up all luxuries holidays etc. We had heard great things about local girls comp from friends, neighbours. Very high performing with fantastic results. Went to see it, bowled over by the whole thing - great facilities, enthusiastic teachers, great girls. I had that feeling when you just know a school is exactly right for your child. Really the only downside would be that DD would have to leave her friends behind.

No equivalent available for boys. Local boys comp (which we have been to see) really made me uneasy - just could not see how DS could be happy there at all. Private option really the only one we were happy with.

Se we decided to apply for place at girls comp and luckily DD got a place (very tight catchment area).

She has now been there since September. Has made a lot of friends, comes home every day bubbling with enthusiasm about the day's activities. Academically she is clearly being challenged and is working hard. She can walk there and back! Granted, the playing fields are not as large as the private, but looking at the things which are really important I honestly don't think she would have got much more from the private school, good though it was. She misses her friends from private school but is making efforts to stay in touch with them.

So, both DCs are at schools which suit them. The only issue is one we pay for, one we don't.

Will DD resent us in the future for not spending the same money on her education as on DS's? Hopefully not, there have been the odd grumpy comments about it being "not fair" that he gets to go private and he doesn't. I asked her, would she really like to see her little brother go to the local boys school ( where there has been a bullying problem, he would stick out like a sore thumb as a "prep school kid", and pupils have attacked her school bus when she was at her prep). She agreed that she would not. I told her that if the only state option for her had been like the boy's school I would have sold everything to pay her school fees. She accepted this.

How will things be in the future? Hopefully as she settles in more and makes lasting friendships at her new school she will pine for the old place less. Only time will tell. But I really feel she is at the best school for her and it would be a big mistake to destroy the family finances (with all the stress and strain that this would place on us all) just in order to treat both DCs the "same" in financial terms.

I see absolutely no problem whatsoever having one state and one private so long as they are at schools which suit them best. Treating your children equally does not mean treating them identically. I possibly come from this at a different angle to other people as I live in an area with outstanding state schools both at primary and secondary level and children move into and out of from to and from private schools all the time. I may well move my DD to a small private school at yr 3 because her state school isn't meeting her needs where as I wouldn't dream of moving DS as he is extremely happy and is thriving. He will most probably move onto a state secondary at 11 where as I seriously doubt that DD will. My children have no idea which schools are state and which are private and I doubt that they know that such a system exists. At some point they will do, and when that time comes I will be very clear that we have chosen on an individual basis. I have no intention whatsoever of compensating one financially at a later date as an apology for not sending them privately as I will have made decisions I feel are right at the time. In my family 2 went state, 2 went private, we all did well and it's only as an adult I even registered this and my only memory is my parents trawling round hundreds of schools for each of us, sitting us for and applying to completely different places based on our needs.

The friendship difficulties for girls age 8 exist in state schools too - girls this age do seem to fall in /out with each other an awful lot.

Could you help her with some stratgies for getting along with class mates, rebuffing spiteful comments, that sort of thing.

If looking at state schools watch out for numbers if your worried about her being lost in a large group - from year 3 onwards state schools are not limited to 30 per class - many have considerably more, 38 is not uncommon here.

Also watch out for the primary feeder school system if she will be going through to state secondary.

Before you change could she be assesed against the NC for her year group - this would tell you where she would be placed in the sate system - ie age 8 would be NC Level 3b (ish).

Gosh 38 is unheard of here. DCs school is considered to have big classes, at about 32 ish, but has lots of TAs and extra-specialist teachers.

Apparently here we have been hving a baby boom since 2005 (Hampshire Wiltshire border) numbers have risen dramatically in junior schools, most rural ones with PANs of 16 -18 two years ago now have intakes of 26-28 (then mixed yr1/2 classes, so huge bulge classes with little to no extra teaching /TA's past year 3.

I understand the home counties state primaries are having the same difficulties - might be worth looking at population stats for the areas your considering OP.

If she's a "dreamy summer born who wants to work at her own pace" she's much more likely to get an education to fit that in a private school setting than a state school- she'll have to fit into a mould - even if hat is an acaemically lower level one than she is expected to aim for now. A class of 30 has a very different dynamic than a class of less than 20.

I agree with the comment about different dynamics in a bog standard 30 children per class state school.

There will be less pressure on her to perform but there will be also a lot less support in the classroom, which means that if your daughter starts slipping and needs support then you will need to provide that yourself. You will be surprised how time consuming and stressful that can become!

Unless your child is struggling considerably (and by that I mean they start falling behind the rest of the class) you will find the additional support in a setting with 30 children to be minimal. Just something else for you to consider!

My sister wanted to leave independent to go to state, and I wanted to stay at the independent, so that's what happened from the age of 8.

My dd went to state grammar, while my ds stayed at his non-selective independent school.

Financially my dd does a lot more activities outside of school so gets money spent on her that way, whilst my ds school day includes all the extra curricula. No it doesn't equate to the fees, but the opportunities are given to each are appropriate to the individual child, rather than a tit-for-tat.

I too am thinking of taking my "dreamy summer-born" out of Independent schooling and popping her into a state primary. She's struggling to keep up and I think she'd be happier in a more relaxed environment. My daughter is average compared to other friends kids of a similar age but at her school she's behind - and I don't want her feeling like she's rubbish at everything. We can't seem to make our minds up though :-(

daysgoneby it does sound like your daughter is in the wrong school but depending on where you live she may be better off at another prep or in a state primary. I know that London preps and those with a large number of grammer schools in the county are much pushier that others.

daysgoneby, we are thinking about taking ds, Y7 out of an indie school. He loves the school but just cannot cope with the homework demnads. He is really struggling with the work and its making him angry and unhappy. If we decide to move him we will probably have to move house and take dds out of their primary school. Its a massive upheaval. However, if he stays at the private school I am really concerned he will lose any confidence he has. Its such a tough decision.

I am watching this with interest as I have the exact same problems with ds4. I have 3 ds at a non selective private school. Two are happy and thriving and so we made the decision to send the youngest one there. However, he is not coping with the academic expectation and as a consequence is tired and irritable. He seems so sad and I have an awful feeling I have made a dreadful mistake. As much as it is non selective I can now see that there is a huge push for them to achieve academically. With hindsight I wish I had sent him to the local school with his friends and seen how that worked out with an option to sending private later on if needed. My husband and I are giving it until Christmas to make a decision.