Has anybody ever taken one dc out of private school but left another(s) in?

[fivecandles]

We are considering this as dc2 is struggling and doesn't seem to fit in whereas dc1 is thriving but feel as though it's a hugely problematic decision either way. Our main concerns are the way in which one child will get experiences and opportunities the other won't and this might exacerbate differences and divisions between them. The school is offering lots of additional support to dc2 atm which a state school will simply not be abl to do but the reality is that our younger child might be happier without this pressure. But although being allowed to drift a little bit more might make her happier in the short-term, what will it mean for her acheivement in the long term? Has anybody any experience of this? If you've ever taken one child out have they later rejoined the school? TIA

I left private school at my request whilst my siblings stayed in. Refused point blank to go to another private school and went to the local state school. I went to university and have professional qualifications. I might have gone to a red brick university and been a higher flier if I'd stayed, but I'm quite sure I'd have been bitterly unhappy.

HTH

Do you mind me asking how old you were and what led to your decision?

Not at all. I think having read your post again this may not be useful for you, but happy to tell you anyway. I was 13, I left because I was bullied and didn't fit in. In hindsight I was socially immature compared to my peers and not as interested in fashion etc. I was bullied also at the state school but had more friends.

As far as experiences etc. go, would after school activities bridge the gap to some extent?

Possibly. Problem is fitting in all the extra-curricular that goes with the current school (for dc1 who is v sporty) with extra things in a different place for dc2 (who is not). The current school provides loads of activities in lunch time etc and it would be impossible to replicate this just for dc2 given that we both work.

Do you think you/ your parents made the right decision MissO? Did your parents try to compensate you in any way ie financially?

Yes, definately the right decision. I was so unhappy. I think my mother privately wonders if I might have gone to Oxbridge if I had stayed, I can honestly say I don't regret it at all.

They didn't try to compensate me financially, that's interesting, I wouldn't have thought about it.

How old is your DC2, and do they want to leave?

It may be this this isn't the right school for your DC2, private or state doesn't necessarily come into it. Maybe look at other schools which are not so focussed on academics and sport, and perhaps geared towards other talents - music, drama etc?

8 so it's hard to know how capable she is of making her own decision. She says she wants to leave. It's mainly friendship issues at the moment (and obviously there's no guarantee this would be any better) but it's also that she's lacking confidence in a class of high-fliers. She's a dreamy, summer born child who wants to work at her own pace which is decidedly slower than the school's pace. It feels like the hardest decision we've had to make since choosing the school for dc1 years ago and it's so clearly absolutely the right school for dc1.

Off to bed. Sorry if I miss a reply. Welcome also to PM me if want to chat further.

Good luck.

Our DCs both went to private school, DS stayed till 18 then left for uni, a year later DD decided to leave at 16 and go to 6th form college as she was not as academic and hated it. It was different to your situation though as she was old enough to make that decision herself

We have had friends who have had one at independent school and one at state with differing success. It depends very much on the child

If you are concerned about the private v state opportunities issue couldn't you move her to a non-selective private school that is less pressured?

Thanks missorinoco. I think if she was 13 and sure of her decision it would be easier. It's worrying to think we could change her whole life on what could turn out to be a whim (although there have been issues for a long time) and with potentially no advantages for her.

No non-selective private schools near us.

What does the school say about her? Ime they will suggest a move if they think that is the best thing for her.

School recognizes she is struggling to keep up with the others in the class. Have offered lots of support but this has partly involved extra work which she doesn't like. Have told them we're thinking of a move and they have advised us not to because, being quiet and well behaved she will get lost in a class of 30. I think they're genuine and I think she would get lost. But I think she would quite LIKE to be lost IYSWIM.

I cannot really fault the school and I think they're genuinely trying to do the best by her. It's just that it may not be right for her. Obviously the school cannot think outside their percetpions of what success is so they wouldn't get the concept of just letting her be. I respect this but I don't think it's making her happy.

Not sure if this will help, but I flipped in and out of schools depending on my parents finances but started at one private school which I left at about 8, did 2 years at a state primary (where everyone thought I was posh), did nearly 2 years at a comprehensive (ditto) then back to the same private school at about 13 (where by then they thought I was common ). I also went back in a whole academic year below the one I left in - which was gruesomely humiliating.
However, I'm well qualified, work in a profession, have a balanced view of life (I hope!) and apart from the fact I would never move a child of mine other than at a year end - by choice obviously - I don't regret what sounds like a hotch potch education.
Further, my sister had a similar pattern, but at logical school change points, never in the middle of a term like me and she's fine. One of my brothers was totally privately educated, the other entirely state.
None of us has ever felt we were treated unfairly, i have never begrudged my brother the expense of his education, nor felt the other was short-changed.
No one was particularly unhappy at any point either.

A friend has 3 daughters, they all started at a local highly academic girls school. After a few years they moved the middle one to another private school, not as local but not as high pressured. All three girls are doing quite well and happy now. Someone else I know also moved one who wasn't happy. Yet someone else sent eldest two boys to local private highly selective boys school but the youngest two have moved from their Prep to local Comp.
Different schools suit different children.

I wouldn't move her. She is only 8 and a lot can change. Perhaps she's yet to find her thing? The thing that will improve confidence and make all the other work less of a chore.

If school were unable to accommodate her, my answer would be different. But it sounds as though they are doing a good job for her.

Review it for secondary school and involve her in the choice. And try and help her find things she's good at and enjoys.

btw I chose a selective independent school for DS1 (which was perfect for him) and DS2 is there now and it is really possibly the wrong school for him. I would not have chosen it for him, had he been the eldest. BUT he's doing well there, he's learning a lot about life, about difference and appreciating boys who sing rugby songs for fun. I've offered him a change for sixth form but he wants to stay now. He feels it is HIS school. If he had been allowed to choose, he would have chosen something very laid back and tbh, in the long run I don't think that would have been very good for him. Being challenged can be a very good thing.

It's a hard decision, only you can know where she'd do best. What are the other schools like?

You say moving schools has "potentially no advantages for her"... but if it makes her happier then that's the most important thing of all, right? At the age of 8, relaxing a bit academically and developing other parts of her personality isn't necessarily a bad thing. Kids all develop at different rates. If she finds subjects she loves at secondary school and works hard at them, I doubt she'll be disadvantaged by not having had the most academic primary school experience.

As for leaving one child in private school and taking one out, I don't have experience of this, but I'd say that treating them equally doesn't always mean that you have to do exactly the same things for both of them, rather that you do what you know is best for each of them as individuals.

On the other hand, I can see your worries that they might grow apart, and that she might later resent some opportunities her brother had. What specific opportunities do you think she'd miss? Could you provide them another way? Are you sure she wants them - sometimes kids are happier messing around with their friends than doing a ton of organized activities.

I'm not advising you to go either way, just giving some things to think about.

I know a public schoolboy whose sibling was compensated for having gone to a comprehensive. He says he would rather have had the cash as an adult. He's quite resentful and troubled by the fact his sister was (is) treated so differently.

I don't think you can think of education as having a cash value. Much better that you make decisions in your children's best interests, especially if you're fortunate enough to not have to rule out paying fees.

It sounds as if your DC may not fit in anywhere so it would be best to stick with the private school and in time she will make a small group of friends. The worst thing for a child who doesn't fit in is continually moving schools. I made that mistake and it has had a knock on effect as each time it has taken him even longer to fit in.

But how do you know an 8 year old won't fit in anywhere????? I know plenty of children who have changed schools and clicked and become really happy.
But of course colleger any private is better than state.

A friend of mine taught at a top selective boys school, she said she felt sorry for the boys who just got in. They were in the top 5% for intelligence but because they went through the school at the bottom of the bottom sets, they believed they were "thick".

OP look seriously at the alternatives, and really think about them and your daughter, try to find the best school for her. (Some schools do seem to like saying children are quiet and would be lost in a class of 30, this is not always true.)