Boarding School is Looming

[Heidi]

This is going to sound odd, I think, but here goes....

My DS, age 11, is starting at a Boarding School in Sept for Y7. He sent off for prospectuses a couple of years ago and the first I knew of his interest was when they started landing on the doormat! We are not a family who would naturally have considered boarding but we have always sent the children to a fee paying school so were more surprised than 'anti' the idea, and were impressed when we looked around all the ones he had earmarked.

DS is v. bright, as well as musical, artistic and extremely sporty, and he won scholarships to more than one school of choice (this is the only way we could afford fees so was lucky - or unlucky for us). We eventually settled on a school about 3/4 hour from home, so we can easily get there and take him out for tea / watch fixtures etc. We have spent a lot of time as a family talking about this issue (we have a 9 year old DD who will stay at home obvs.), visiting the school and generally trying to prepare.

Recently, I have been cramming in those jobs like naming all his kit after work; also DD has expressed an interest in joining some more local clubs (which is possible now we won't have to 'share' the free time during the week) and I have been making these extra 'exciting' arrangments for her.

And suddenly it has hit home. In 5 weeks he will be gone.

DS is so excited to be going (he's away there for a week of sports camp now with a couple of friends who will also be attending in Sept), is looking forward to being able to do more after school and to being kept busy all of the time (it's a struggle with me working FT to fit in everything he and his sis want to do). But all I can feel is looming dread. I'm certainly not as ready as he thinks he is for this whole experience.

I know my DH and I have agreed to this and I want to be seen to support my DS as I don't want him to feel guilty or worried about his choice. Has anyone else been through this? I know in my heart that he will probably be fine, and we'll have to get used to the situation (unless he hates it, in which case we wouldn't expect him to stay), but I've found myself in tears more than once at the prospect of not having him around :-( My DH seems a lot more relaxed about it and thinks I'm being overprotective, but it won't seem as much of a change for him, as he works away some of the week.

Aaaagh!

Two points :

1. If your child is missing you terribly, then it seems cruel to keep him there, it really does. But stiff upper, and all that, eh?

2. If your small boy of 10 is actively choosing to live away from his family, parents and siblings, do you not think you might want to look at why?

3. My children don;t choose their schools. We do. They haven't the maturity, wisdom, knowledge or experience to make such a huge decision. They are simply not informed. Your son has no real idea at all of what he is letitng himself in for. Too much Harry Potter, if you ask me.

There is no need to cut the apron strings how dreadfully old fashioned. Growing up is a natural progressive thing and boarding school is not the way to do it. I went to private school as a day girl and the boarders were in the main homesick and hated it.

I can't ever imagine any education being worth the sacrifice of a normal family life.

It isn't only the parent child relationship that is damaged but the sibling one too.

My DD goes to high school this year and I feel physically sick at the thought of her boarding. And she is exceptionally bright , mature and self assured.

I know this isn't a debate about boarding but it is turning into one so I thought I would add my thoughts...

I still remember desperately wanting to go to boarding school at around the age of 12 but I was aware my mother would miss me (I was her companion as my father was terminally ill) and it would have seemed cruel to have pushed it. She was (is!) lovely and I enjoyed her company but I would have made the most of the opportunities that a boarding school would have offered rather than being the only child companion of an older mother.

Then she was widowed and married again. Family life became difficult, I went from being happy and successful at school to scraping through. If I had gone to boarding school I would have been saved both academically and emotionally from miserable teen years.

Moving to today and my DS is struggling at school - academically, socially and emotionally. While we try to offer a happy home I don't think he is helped by having a younger sibling who thrives in all the areas he finds so hard. He would love (he has said) to go to another (specialist) school where he feels more amongst his own. He is anxious (depressed?), lacking in self esteem, self confidence and getting further and further behind his peers.

It is not something we can do at the moment but I think sometimes people forget that the vast majority of parents do what they think is best for their children but sometimes cloud the issue by ultimately doing what is best for them. To keep him at home where it is clear that he is unhappy is tough and we worry that we are fulfilling our definition of being a 'good' parent' by assuming that home is the best place for him. Of course we didn't have children to 'send him away' but neither did we realise we would have a depressed and anxious child. We would hope that the school would be more geared to helping him academically and therefore increase his self-esteem and ultimately make him happier.

I feel I have gone a bit off-subject here but it is not so clear cut as 'good parents' send their children to local schools, 'bad parents' send them to boarding schools.

What is your role when you are not there the bulk of the time? The people I know who have been generally have distant odd relationships within the family.

If your child is unhappybat hoe you need help with that but to send then away teaches temthat their problems are too big for family to dealwith and so off you go. Out ofvsight out of mind maybe ?

The way I see it is similar to when (for an adult) work is very stressful. You may come home to a lovely partner, home, children, friends, etc. but you just can't shake off that sick feeling - you just can't cheer up/enjoy things. I think it's similar to that for a child who is struggling/unhappy at school. We could be the best parents in the world but school is such a huge part of a child's life that if things aren't going well there then it doesn't matter how great home is. Yes, you can improve things a bit or even a lot but school is ever looming especially once the weekend/holidays are over.

I disagree with out of sight, out of mind. I still maintain that being a parent is about making difficult decisions and one of them is not doing what you as the parent wants to for yourself but to genuinely put the child first.

So, you put them in a great day school, yes? Why board, genuinely?

Because you live too far from the school you think would be best for your child and a.) you can't sell your house and/or b) don't want to uproot the other children (Sophie's Choice - 3 happy children v. 1 unhappy one)?

Thanks for being honest ladies. I still think that boarding at 7/8 is incredibly young, and I confess that working abroad so that you can pay for boarding school sounds like a bizarre scenario and a viewpoint I find impossible to empathise with.

FWIW it is very possible to do maths at Cambridge when all you've had is bog standard state education. My brother did and now earns a packet in the City.

Interesting thread.

P.S. Heidi - I hope it works out for your DS and that you and he are happy with the choice.

Changer, children, as a rule, don't have to go the absolute best school possible for them, especially if that means splitting them from their family.
Mine are doing pretty damn well at the one down the road.

Alibaba. You can do History at Oxford too, with a state education. Shocking, isn't it?

But wallis mine isn't doing well at the one down the road and did even worse at the previous one down the road. I know no one said the reason for going to boarding school was to get into Oxbridge but some of us aren't looking at that. Boarding would be an option for us until we could sell the house and move closer to the school (and go to being a day pupil) or we could waste another couple of years seeing DS suffer while we keep him at home and at his current school.

But enough about me and mine. I was just trying to say that I don't think the for/against boarding school argument is straightforward.

I also asked to go to boarding school (a bit later, at 14/15) although my mother was against it in principle (she came from the kind of background where small boys went at 7 or 8, which she found very upsetting). I admit that I loved it. But I feel really mixed about this issue. It made a huge difference to me because for lots of reasons out of my parents' control I had been unhappy at home. I felt safe and happy at school and it was a fantastic experience (in fact the worst part was having to leave somewhere where I felt secure, when I left school). I hope as a parent I would be able to admit if one of my own children was, for whatever reason, in the same boat; but I think it's hard to admit it.

I would also say that I think quite a lot of outgoing and self-confident children around the 9-13 mark can genuinely really enjoy boarding at prep schools, with excellent facilities and loads of activities. But also that it's a very common stage around this age to imagine that you'd love being at such a place - the day-in-day-out reality can be rather different.

Finally, I think it's important to accept that a child who goes to boarding school has left home. I so often hear parents denying this hotly but I do think that's silly - especially if not all the siblings are boarding. Inevitably, as soon as you are not there all the time it is not your 'home' in the same way - things change without you (even little things like where the cutlery drawer is); routines gradually shift and you are not part of them. Best to be realistic about this I think - as others have said, accept that you (as parent) really are relinquishing a good deal of control and centrality. It also changes permanently the relationship between siblings. I think I would be more likely to consider it for an only child, or a child who was the youngest by a long way.

Many who have posted report being unhappy at school whether it be state or independent day or boarding. Surely the point is that children spend a significant part of their lives at school and being unhappy is not acceptable. My son wanted to board at 7 not because he was unhappy at home but because he was unhappy at school. The school were not sufficiently challengIng him. We lived in a rural community and the nearest "suitable" day school was 20 miles away. He wanted to try boarding and we agreed if he'd hated it we would have had to reconsider our options we would not have left him there to be miserable. But he didn't hate it and six years later he wishes to carry on. I don't do it to get him into Cambridge and I am perfectly aware that many from state school go to Oxbridge. Or for the diverse activities on offer although these are part of the boarding package or the broader curriculum. I do it because he enjoys it and is happy and thriving in all ways that is good enough for me.

'There is no need to cut the apron strings how dreadfully old fashioned. Growing up is a natural progressive thing and boarding school is not the way to do it' You know nothing about my son, and yes, we do need to cut the apron strings as he needs to learn to do things for himself. I am proposing to send him to a state sixth form with two boarding houses; I went there at 16 and had the best two years of my life, and it is a tribute to the place that others I know (and we are all mid 40s) would love to go back and repeat the two years again. I hope my son loves it as much as I did.

I refuse to move him in the first term of Year 13 when we move back to UK as that would totally screw his A levels, so boarding is the answer. It will also accustom him to the UK again as we haven't lived there for 5 years now, and it will be 6 by the time he goes to sixth form.

You can only talk from your experience Noddy - those I know who have boarded have found it a positive experience. I didn't want to board when it was first mooted, but I absolutely loved it and had far more freedom than I ever did at home. I made my mistakes without my parents looking on. and my ds will have the freedom to do the same.

Interesting thread.

One of the most difficult things as a parent is not knowing how things will turn out in the future - we have to make decisions and hope.

I have 2 siblings, and between us we did a mixture of things for secondary school - one brother went to the (just stopped being a secondary modern) local comprehensive 11-16, then state 6th form in the next town, other brother same school 11-16 then boarded at a private school for 6th form, I boarded all through. There wasn't a private day school alternative, and there wasn't the option to move - there was enough money from grandparents to pay small amounts of residual fees if we got full (and I mean 90-100%) scholarships, not enough to move house.

Had my parents been able to look into the future - we all got very similar A-levels and went on to Oxbridge - then they might well not have ever sent any of us away to school. But at the time all they had to go on were the (truly dreadful - my elder brother was the first person ever to take, let alone pass, pass 8 O-levels from there) results of the local school, and their wish to do the best for us they could.

I knew why I was boarding. The school was very much more suitable for me than the alternative, and academically I thrived (socially less so - but I was accelerated a year, and I came from a very different type of social background from the non-scholarship girls, so it is not clear that it was the boarding that caused the problem IYSWIM). I am very grateful for the education I was given. But my children will go to day schools... and that's before I start on my DH's experience of boarding from 7...

My DD has a 31st Aug birthday and started at boarding school on her 11th birthday. She's now about to go into Yr 10. Things I did wrong when she first went: 1) no tuck 2) didn't visit the first weekend - I hadn't wanted her to come home so soon but should have visited anyway.

She has had some issues (a girl stole her iPod and she was made to share a room with her, at a time when there was no proof she was the thief) but generally she is very happy and achieving very well (she took a GCSE maths module at 13, having attained A* on the mock, results due in a few weeks).

Incidentally, she attends a state boarding school.

DD2 is about to start Yr 7 and will be going to the local high school, a girls CofE comp. They have both got what they wanted.

I was having an interesting conversation with a women I work with her son now grown up went to a quaker boarding school from 11. she felt that children who want to go to boarding school are far from being unhappy at home in fact quite the opposite they were very secure and knew they were loved thus not afraid to be away.

Boarding is an amazing experience for most children who want to go. My boys love it and I have given them so many opportunities for them not to board but they want to continue. I have never met a child who has an odd relationship with their parents. Our relationship is very open and affectionate and most of these comments tend to be from people who have no experience whatsoever of boarding other than a friend of a friend who went in the 1950's.

If the OP wants a proper boarding school debate she would be better having it with members whose children are at boarding school!

It would be interesting to explore the 'relationship with parents' thing both from the parents' point of view and that of the children.

My DH went to boarding school at 7, and until he was c. 13 his family were abroad so he saw them less than would have been the case had they lived locally.

From 13-18 he continued to board but his family loved a couple of hours away.

His parents always felt that he had a good relationship with them - a nd in a sense this is true - he was polite, reasonably affectionate, obedient, didn't rebel, not angry. However, what did happen was that he developed differently, and acquired a different viewpoint on the world, from his parents. Being a quiet and non-confrontational type, his parents didn't notice until he brought home his girlfriend (me).

I had known DH for years at this point, we had a bunch of friends in common, I knew a lot about his views and opinions and shared many of them ... and carelessy articulated them when visiting his parents, not realising that this would be a problem. Cue disasterous falling out all round, as I was seen as 'the woman who took our son away', rather than the reality, which was that DH had 'grown away' from his parents many, many years previously but that this had been a 'passive' process due to absence rather than an 'active row' process.

I know that every child grows 'away' from their family, it is part of the process of growing up. However, when a very large proportion of a child's time is spent away from the family at a young age, that process is likely to be hastened and accentuated - the child will spend more time with children and adults way from home (who may have values and opinions and expectations that are not the same as 'home' ones) than they do with their family.

My DH who went to a top boys public day school has very little in common with his parents in particular his mother. I was and am without a doubt seen as the person who "took my husband away from his parents". My husband is adopted and many would say that this is the reason why he has nothing in common with her. You can spend your whole life looking for reasons why people behave in a certain way and blame it on what ever you like but in reality this is just how life is.
As I've already said we are very close to our children both who boarded from an early age and the younger one is still boarding. When the younger one was 11 we moved 200 miles away from his school and only saw him every three weeks. But we remain a very close family; so many people comment on it. Neither my DH or myself are particularly close to our own parents and maybe this has encouraged us to try to be close to our own children. I frequently hear parents (of day children) moaning about their children and being quite unkind and we have children come to our house who openly state that they don't like their home lives and families. I know this is probably teenage rebellion but I don't believe that my children say this. I know they love being at home doing family activities.
In our family we all have strong views and on occasions differing views and none of us is afraid to voice them, life would be boring if we were all the same. We do agree on fundamentals; concern for minorities, anger at the worlds inaction in less developed countries, speaking out when we see something that is wrong etc. although our solutions may not be the same! We are not trying to create clones of ourselves but hope both our boys will become decent, civilised human being who are able to confidently live their lives and form happy and meaningful relationships with those around them.

HG,

I should have said that DH's elder sister was at no point sent away to board - she was, and remains, much closer to her parents and retains their viewpoints and values in almost every way.

(To caricature the rest of the family's views, they are old-school British colonial, extremely Tory and casually racist in that 'patronising paternal' way. DH's caricature would be typical wishy washy left-leaning liberal...)

The contrast between her and my DH is extreme. Of course, they are different people, with different genetic predispositions, but the total contrast in their schooling and amount of contact with their parents seems very likely to be a contributing factor.