Boarding School is Looming

[Heidi]

This is going to sound odd, I think, but here goes....

My DS, age 11, is starting at a Boarding School in Sept for Y7. He sent off for prospectuses a couple of years ago and the first I knew of his interest was when they started landing on the doormat! We are not a family who would naturally have considered boarding but we have always sent the children to a fee paying school so were more surprised than 'anti' the idea, and were impressed when we looked around all the ones he had earmarked.

DS is v. bright, as well as musical, artistic and extremely sporty, and he won scholarships to more than one school of choice (this is the only way we could afford fees so was lucky - or unlucky for us). We eventually settled on a school about 3/4 hour from home, so we can easily get there and take him out for tea / watch fixtures etc. We have spent a lot of time as a family talking about this issue (we have a 9 year old DD who will stay at home obvs.), visiting the school and generally trying to prepare.

Recently, I have been cramming in those jobs like naming all his kit after work; also DD has expressed an interest in joining some more local clubs (which is possible now we won't have to 'share' the free time during the week) and I have been making these extra 'exciting' arrangments for her.

And suddenly it has hit home. In 5 weeks he will be gone.

DS is so excited to be going (he's away there for a week of sports camp now with a couple of friends who will also be attending in Sept), is looking forward to being able to do more after school and to being kept busy all of the time (it's a struggle with me working FT to fit in everything he and his sis want to do). But all I can feel is looming dread. I'm certainly not as ready as he thinks he is for this whole experience.

I know my DH and I have agreed to this and I want to be seen to support my DS as I don't want him to feel guilty or worried about his choice. Has anyone else been through this? I know in my heart that he will probably be fine, and we'll have to get used to the situation (unless he hates it, in which case we wouldn't expect him to stay), but I've found myself in tears more than once at the prospect of not having him around :-( My DH seems a lot more relaxed about it and thinks I'm being overprotective, but it won't seem as much of a change for him, as he works away some of the week.

Aaaagh!

Kay my comment about phoning once a week was to the Housemaster, not the child. I thought I made that clear, apologies if not.

I don't think it's fair to hijack this thread with ignorant accusations of abuse, particularly when the OP's son has requested to board.

i think i can say what i want. I went to baording school - i cried every night. then didnt want to leave. why? they kid you you like it - everyone tells you how great it will be as they all know its SHIT

Go on rant on about who cruel I am a posting about boarding always produces hysterical unsubstantiated garbage. I don't criticise those who don't board their children and i accept that it's not right for some but you have never met my son and so cannot critisize me or the sort of person he is or will become.

My son has just finished Year 7 at boarding school. Like your son, boarding was his choice. He has loved it and is definite it was the right choice for him. Any idea that he is only pretending to like it would cause him real puzzlement. I remember the heavy heart and some trepidation as the time grew closer but don't worry. As far as I can tell, all the children use their mobiles to have a chat to their parents in the evening (true at his age anyway) so you aren't cut off. It has helped that he is free to come home for the weekend when he wants and sometimes that has been every weekend, sometimes every other weekend. I'm sure you have chosen the school with a lot of care and our experience is that boarding houses for that age group try to be cosy. Definitely the right thing to make sure you pay extra attention to your daughter as well.

Surely it's not all down to what the child wants, don't the mother's feelings matter? No way would I let DD board. Ever.

Do you know what, I went to a shitty comprehensive and was bullied blah blah, the whole "please don't" and what not on this thread is just stupid. Stop insulting the Woman for making choices you wouldn't, I'm sure if her ds is miserable she will remove him. A bit of support wouldn't go amiss.

Sorry Heidi i don't have any experience of boarding children, but I'm sure he will have a great time, and if not at least he tried it, he sounds like a very confident and driven young Man, good luck to you both.

Heidi my son is a confident out going teenager who has full boarded from 7 years old. I'm sorry to disappoint all of you who are anti boarding but he's not dysfunctional selfish or severely depressed. He has loads of friends can talk to anyone and will cheerfully try anything. I actually don't believe that his personality has been created by boarding it was already there but boarding has certainly influenced it. When he'd been boarding for a week he said to me that he realized that when you love someone you don't need to see them everyday. We both know it's quality not quantity that counts and we get so much pleasure from doing simple activities together eating a meal walking the dogs etc. In a professional capacity I come into contact on an almost daily basis with children with eating disorders, those that sell harm, abuse drugs alcohol are physically violent or attempt suicide not one has ever been at a boarding school. There are common threads running through there tragic lives. Divorce poverty abuse bereavement bullying parents that don't give a shit about them. Most would do anything to have the opportunities that my son has and I often feel guilty that my son has been given such a wonderful start in life compared to these tragic children who ARE at likely to grow into dysfunctional adults.

Just ignore the comments from people who have never been to boarding school - you haven't asked for opinions on boarding (good/bad?) but how to help yourself and your son when he starts.
(although for the record, I went to both state comprehensive and boarding school, and trust me , the boarding school was a MUCH happier experience. Having said that I would never think thta gave me the right to abuse people who chose state over boarding).
Our son also starts boarding in Sep, at age 13 and I recognise all your feelings - so reading the constructive postings with interest.
I would say from when i was at school (literally decades ago!), cards and letters always appreciated , and tell your Ds to talk to housemaster/mentor if he is feeling low - just as he would talk to you at home if he was feeling low.
Remember, this could be the start of a fantastic school life, making lifelong friends and having a great time doing activities that would be difficult to fit in at home - he will love it and if he doesn't, he can always leave - but give him the chance to try something he said he wanted to do!

As an ex-housemistress you've had some really good advice about settling your DS (and your DD!) in.

Another thing ours often did was make a collage of photos of family / home before they came in a clip frame and then put it in their dorm. The clip frame meant new photos could be added and you'd be amazed how, by the end if the year, it was a proper mix of home and school in there.

And definitely agree about the post! The most exciting thing for anyone (although would say not just young Borders - I didn't board myself but remember being v excited by post at uni!)

Totally agree happy and bbboo.

My son has been boarding since he was 8.

Happygardening is right about all of it.

One further tip. Let your son feel in control of how often he sees/talks to you. If the school allows weekly exeats and he wants to take them, go along with that for as long as he needs it. If he wants to speak to you a lot, make arrangements so that you are available when he will be free to call. If (like mine) he finds it easier to settle if he doesn't speak to you, then go along with that too. Email is good.

Letters should be positive in tone. You can say that you can't wait to see him; but don't go on and on about missing him. If you do, he may worry about you.

As far as you are concerned, you will miss him; but think of the positives: the time you do get to spend with him will be very special and will not be filled up with (assuming your son is not a saint)the usual daily nagging about homework, not losing stuff etc.. While he is at school, spend some special time with your daughter and, dare I say it, enjoy having a little more time to yourself

I went to boarding school and left a fantastic career in the Foreign Office partly so that I would never have to do the same to my children.
I realise that some children are a lot happier boarding than others, and boarding these days - with the internet, skyping, weekend visits home etc - is a lot different from my day.
But I don't understand why anyone would do it who didn't have to. He might enoy it now, but just realise that many (not all) adults who boarded are effected by that experience.
Of course, people are often effected by other school experiences, being bullied, being different etc. But there's always that nagging feeling that you weren't good enough for your parents so they sent you away.
(disclaimer - my parents sent me because they moved overseas to a country with no decent British/ international school).

Can I ask those whose children board why you don't want to be around to support your children during their years in education?

happygardening - can I ask why you chose to board you son so young? I am not judging you, I am genuinely curious.

My niece and nephew board because DBIL is in the forces and they move around a lot. They would all prefer it if the kids could be at home.

DH boarded, and he would never send our boys.

Heidi - I'm not having a pop at you here btw. It sounds like your son knows what he is signing up for, and you won't be far away.

Noddy, Ali,

like happy, I sent my son to board at 8. This was for a variety of reasons, which included the following

1. I wanted a traditional prep school education with chronological history, Latin, french etc. from an early age. The day prep which DS attended in London and which did this, did it in much too pushy a way, reinforced by a lot of competitive parenting. There was no school near us which I thought had the right balance of rigour and fun. DS is dyspraxic and the London school approach was just making him miserable.

1. My son is (not by choice) an only child. He needed more company of his own age.

1. I work very long hours and my husband is often abroad. We do this in large part so that we can afford a really good education for our son, including getting him through university without debt and so that he has more freedom in what he decides eventually to do than we did. It does, however, mean that neither of us is at home to do homework, music practice etc. and nannies are simply not up to that task.

1. At boarding school, the boys really learn to live in a community. They learn to look after one another: when one of them has been having a hard time (sick mother, divorcing parents) the others rally round and make a real effort. It is quite touching. They all get to understand the point of good manners and being considerate.

1. They learn self-reliance, by which I don't mean that they learn emotional hardness (they don't- they're sweet and affectionate and crying is allowed). They learn to make their own beds, organise their own stuff, work out their own opinions rather than just hearing them from their parents.

1. The time we spend with our son (N.B. This is basically six months of the year, plus visits on about two out of three Sundays) is not filled with nagging and organising. It is, apart from holiday projects etc., just fun. We are all very affectionate to one another during that time, so he understands very well that he has not been "sent away" because we don't want him.

1. He gets to mess around in the woods with other little boys; and he gets to meet boys from all over the world

1. There is always something to do and someone to supervise it. Even if I didn't work, I could never lay on as many opportunities.

1. He loves it. "Thank you, Mummy, for sending me to the best school in the world. It's such fun"

Noddy asks why boarding parents "don't want to be around to support " our children through education. There is no question of not wanting to be with my son. I hate being apart from him; but boarding is what I genuinely belive to be best for him; and he comes first- my feelings are irrelevant. As for supporting his education, we are in touch with his tutor and other staff frequently on the phone and by e-mail and every time I see him we run through whether there is anything which is worrying him, so that either I can explain it or have his tutor sort it out. What I can't do is helicopter. I can't do his homwork for him. He has to learn to discipline himself; and that is a good thing.

I know it's not for all children; but it suits some very well and most parents who choose boarding don't do so out of some mad, chinless tradition; but because they genuinely believe it t be good for their child

It's a good question. My son is very good at maths and at 7 decided that when he was older that he would go to Cambridge to read maths. One day he said that he was worried that the maths being taught in his rather sweet little village primary school was "not good enough for him to be sufficiently good at maths to go to Cambridge" he had friends at boarding school so thought he should go there instead. In his mind more lessons and thus he would be better at maths. Like many who post on mumsnet I thought parents who sent their children of any age to boarding school were monsters and would have cheerfully posted similar comments to those above. But we arranged to see our local boarding prep and went and had a look. I went determined to hate it and thus squash the idea but instead came away really impressed. I met happy relaxed confident children and hard working committed teachers and house parents. Boarding was fun dorm raids teddy fights and midnight feasts. But I still didn't want him to go he would have been the youngest boarder the school had and he had to full board. But he loved it and really wanted to go so reluctantly we agreed. Initially the other mothers at his primary school were horrified and thought I was a horrible mum but after a while many admitted that if they had the opportunity they would do the same thing it was giving up control of their childs life that they would find difficult. Six years later I won't pretend it's all been plain sailing but by and large I would not change anything 2 years ago we moved 200 miles away from the school and we only saw him every three weeks and we all missed each other. But he has twice been given the opportunity to not board and on both occasions has opted to continue. We are a very close family and really love our time together but he has always been very pedantic (we aren't) and I think if we were together all the time this could have turned into a source of friction between us. Afer he'd been boarding for a couple of weeks he said "in the perfect world I would be at home and school but life is a compromise" a hard lesson to learn so early but how true.

My son is also an only child and dyspraxic my main reasons for not even considering it Only children thrive in a community. Day school also gives them friends of their own age no need to board!

BTW i think a family with no organising or nagging must be dreadfully dull and a bit dysfunctional!

Heidi, I have no experience of boarding personally (though DH and my father both have, and both disliked it) - but just wanted to say that you sound like such a fantastic mother, and your DS is to be congratulated on his initiative. It will be fine!

My DS is dead set on boarding at 13, which will be very strange (assuming he gets a scholarship that enables him to go). I hope I have the sense to support him as you are doing with yours.

I am sending ds to board at sixth form from September 12. I went to comp and then boarded at sixth form and loved it; and I hope he will too. It cuts the apron strings, will give him independence and self reliance and prepare him for uni.

We are abroad at present and are due to move in the Christmas term of his A2 year. I don't think it is a good idea top move him then, nor can we stay here for another two terms, so he will board.

My db boarded from 11, my dh from 9. They are both normal functioning human beings, who benefited greatly from boarding. It is not child abuse or uncaring, any more than is feeding your child a vegetarian diet; it's different ways of doing things according to the needs of the individuals concerned.