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Original poster

Major school problem. She can't do school, I can't do HE. Don't appear to be any other options.

29 replies

AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 09:59

DD is utterly miserable in school. Always has been. I see her being miserable for another 3 years then finishing with nothing learned and no exams at all.

I cannot HE. I do not have the experience, brain, time not inclination to teach her at home. We would end up killing each other.

I am at the absolute end of my very long teather. I have come to hate the school as much as she does.

We live in a small rural town with only one secondary school - other nearest schools are similar size/ethos and 20 miles away so impossible to get her to.

I don't earn enough to even consider independent.

What do I do?

OP posts:
comewhinewithme · 11/03/2011 10:03

I felt like you in December -we are now into month 3 of Home Ed. I just didn't have a choice she was so miserable.
No advice as to what else you can do just wanted to let you know I know how you feel :(.

PeskyPiskie · 11/03/2011 10:12

If you think that an independent school may suit your daughter (perhaps one of the more unusual ones such as this) then it is worth contacting them to ask about assistance with fees. Some independent schools have a very generous allowance to provide for pupils they think will benefit from their education.

Tortington · 11/03/2011 10:13

can you do a mix of both - she goes to school for 2.5 days and you he for the rest.

Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 10:15

additional problem is having been trying to force her into 'normal' education for the last 10 years it is too bloody late for her to fit in somewhere else. she's too 'different' for alternatives and too different for normal schools..

same as HE - had I tried a bit harder when she was younger I think it might have been OK but because it isn't the done thing and children must conform and go to an ordinary school it's too late.

I have utterly failed her.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 10:16

We also both work full time - have to to pay bills and keep a roof over us. Time is a big problem - Not sure if being left alone for 8 hours a day would go down well with the educaton authorities.

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Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 10:17

is flexi an option at secondary level?

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silverfrog · 11/03/2011 10:21

is this your dd who is going through potential dx at the moment?

what have camhs said (if it is her)?

are there any schools with units attached that might be a possibility?

if she gets a dx, then transport to suitable school can be arranged - 20 miles is a lot, but not impossible, as long as the logistics work out (I went to school 20 miles away form where I lived. my dd1 currently goes to school 15 miles away form home - at one point that was 40 miles! Shock)

what is she miserable about? she has had school refusal issues, iirc? once she is there, can/does she learn? or is she having difficulty accessing the lessons?

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 11/03/2011 10:25

Do you know why she doesn't 'do' school?

Could you consider affording a governess/tutor? Don't laugh, they do still exist, although it might be very difficult at secondary to find someone if you want her to receive an equivalent education to a school.

Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 10:29

yup. referred 12 months ago - not a dickybird since. Whether she has AS or something else or is just being made miserable by school I don't know. I waver constantly.

I'm fairly sure she hasn't learned anything for years - I haven't seen any evidence of it anyway.

Back last december she had a bad phase and I begged school for help. They suggested the school cousellor - She'd been ther for over a year and I didn't even know they had a counsellor pupils could access, it had never been suggested before. Anyway I asked if they could get counsellor to talk to her. 3 months later it still hadn't been organised so I rang again yesterday to ask again - she's seeing her on monday. Why has it taken 3 months?

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Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 10:31

Sorry - just having a huge moan about it all.

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mnistooaddictive · 11/03/2011 10:45

If school is that much of an issue talk to them. In very special cases we gave allowed students a part timetable. She might have to fo maths English and science and one other thing but go home for the rest. You could suggest it interim of building up to full time as things calm down but knowing this will not happen. Can she then study at home for a few hours a day on get own on things that interest her.
Good luck

silverfrog · 11/03/2011 10:46

AYC - chase your referral.

chase it NOW.

if you don't, you will sit on the waiting list forever.

at your dd's age (13?) - they will be thinking that if it isn't bad enough for you to be chasing it constantly, then she may as well sit out her time, finish school, and be transferred on to someone else's list.

get onto it.

call them (make a note of when you do, and who you speak to). ask when you can expect to be seen. ask for a cancellation appt. ask why you have been on the list for so long withou hearing anyhting at all. ask it all nicely but firmly, and do not be fobbed off. if the person you are talking to doesn't know, get transferred to someone who does.

there is an issue here - whatever the issue is - and your dd needs it sorting out. you are the only one who is going to be able to do that - you are her best and only advocate.

as the school why it has taken 3 months. and wait for a proper answer. as them if they think this is good enough. ask them how your dd is supposed ot be able to go to school if they cannot be bothered tohelp her.

be a (nice) nuisance.

call, and then call back to check it has been done.

keep a log of who you speak to, when and why. and what they say theu will do.

then call back to make sure they ahve done it.

put everythign in writing to "confirm" the telephone conversation you have just had - they then either have to do it, or write back to say why they willnot be doing it - no more languishing on lists!

show them you mean business, and make them deal with you and your dd, if only to get some peace Grin

it shouldn't have to be this way, but it is.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 11/03/2011 11:05

I agree - chase, chase, chase.

And don't feel bad for moaning. It sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation.

MuggleMum · 11/03/2011 11:28

I am a teacher, with grave reservations about the system. It just doesn't suit some kids. The most important thing for your child is that she regains some love of learning (children have it naturally and in many cases, school drums it out of them.) It sounds like she needs a break from the system to give her a chance to regain an interest in learning, and some self esteem. Difficult to organise if you are working full-time. Whereabouts are you living?

IndigoBell · 11/03/2011 12:01

HE can also be done online. There are a couple of online schools.

Which doesn't solve the 'who looks after her' problem, but does solve the 'who teaches her' problem.

So is there somewhere with a computer she could go to most of the day while you're at work? ( A grandparent?, a cheap childminder? )

Original poster
AtYourCervix · 11/03/2011 12:18

interesting. will ponder.

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AMumInScotland · 11/03/2011 12:58

Flexi can be an option - DS had one "column" of his timetable at home for a couple of years. It can be a bit tricky because they have most subjects most days at her age, but if she can get to and from school herself it could be practical. And that way someone has seen her most days, so there shouldn't be a worry that she's on her own all day (if there would be anyway, I don't know what bothers them at what age).

Or as Indigo says, online schools - they don't give the flexibilty of other types of HE but that's maybe not a worry for you. DS did 2 years with Interhigh - they have classes every morning, and cover the main secondary school subjects, though you don't get choices and they don't cover the non-academic stuff you could do that separately with her. It does cost, but far far less than an independent school.

MuggleMum · 11/03/2011 14:33

I think the focus here should be on what SHE wants to learn, not what the system thinks she SHOULD learn. If she is alienated from the system, which she clearly is, learning is always going to be a struggle. All her energy is going into struggling to cope with a system she hates. It's no wonder she is not learning.

If she is only 13 there is still plenty of time for her to recover a desire to succeed at GCSEs. But I think she needs some time away. I would forget about "education" for a while - and focus on finding her some fun activities that make her feel good again. I heard this week of a child who has a dance sabbatical once a week - time out of school doing something that makes him feel good. What would she want to do if she had a day a week off school?
The beauty of flexi-schooling is you can build it up slowly as you and she find confidence. Can you start with a day a week straight away? See how it goes? That alongside the counselling starting on Monday might be enough to start turning the tide.

GetOrfMoiLand · 11/03/2011 14:38

I am so sorry AYC - this sounds absolutely grim for you. I agree chase up your referral.

Also would be good to look at flexi learning - say she goes to school for english and maths, but is excempt from the rest of it. Hopefully she can get to school on her own.

This must be an awful thing for your whole family to experience. Sad

stressheaderic · 11/03/2011 14:45

Does the school not offer various pathways at Year 9? The school I work at has a variety of work-based learning courses to follow which involve English and Maths in school, and then NVQs in things such as Animal Care, Social Care, Hairdressing, Drama etc out at various supported placement schemes.
Some of the students following these courses are our more vulnerable ones and they have thrived.

PurpleRayne · 11/03/2011 17:09

There also comes a point where home-education becomes the lesser of two evils. Investigate; it may be more practicable than you currently fear.

HeartSkipsABeat · 11/03/2011 17:13

I was offered flexi at my school - in the event I turned it down but the point is they were willing. I was still allowed to get coursework marked by them and took my exams there, and the rest of the time I studied at home. HTH :)

HeartSkipsABeat · 11/03/2011 17:16

Also you said you feel you would kill each other if stuck together all day [sic] - well, maybe you feel that now because ATM the only time you see each other she is stressed and exhausted from being miserable at school? Maybe if she was at home you'd all be happier?

I admit I'm really biased (I don't homeschool but I am very much in favour) but I really wish it was easier to do it in this society.

HeartSkipsABeat · 11/03/2011 17:22

A worthwhile suggestion may be to do the 'core' subjects at school - maths, English, science (and possibly French or similar if it's compulsory at GCSE? I lose track of the rules) - that's LOADS of time she could be at home - humanities can easily be done at home, tell her to choose a topic and get on with it :)

If your DD could choose the solution to this what would she say?

SDeuchars · 11/03/2011 18:53

D'you want to tell us more (either here or on the Home Ed board) about why you think you can't do home ed?

I do not have the experience, brain, time not inclination to teach her at home. We would end up killing each other.

As HeartSkipsABeat says, you may find it much easier once she no longer has the stress. You also do not need to teach her. If she has had eight years of misery, I'd be looking to let her do whatever she wants until at least September to recover from school. By then, she may have discovered some things she is interested in (but they may not look like "school work" - that's OK).

HE also does not need to take place between 9 and 3. Is she an early riser? If not, is there any way you or your DP can work early in the morning and then be home in the afternoon to do things with her? The other one could take over in the evening. Or could she do things (shopping, cooking, etc.) with a grandparent, friend or neighbour during the day? Do you know any HE families?