DS excluded from school, and bullied, want to appeal, HELP please.

[nicmum2boys]

Am typing late at night, tired and emotional, and a few glasses of wine the worse for wear, so I hope this makes sense!
This week has been an awful week for us, on Monday eve got a phone call from the Head of DS1's school saying there had been an incident where my son had hit another boy in the face, causing an injury, and she had decided to exclude him from school the following day. We were ed to say the least, DS (who is just 5, and in yr 1) has never been in trouble at school, except for a brief spell last year, when he started lashing out at other children, and it transpired that he was the victm of bullying, and this was the only way he could find to express his anger. All was sorted, so we thought, and he moved to year 1, and is in a class of mixed yr1&2 pupils. Anyway, naturally we have been to the school and spoken to the head, and expressed our concerns about him lashing out for the same reasons as before, and she assured us that DS would be closely watched to try to get to the bottom of it all. Meanwhile DS has sat and written an apology to the boy he hurt (VERY hard for him, he does not find writing comes naturally) and has personally given it to him under supervision. We are very angry that the head chose to exclude him based on this one incident, and given his previous record and age did not choose to investigate thoroughly before acting (we feel).
Further still a certain boy lets call him "Adam" has persistantly kicked and pinched DS over the past few weeks, and called him a squiny baby, and we wondered if this may have contributed to (but not excused) his actions.
If this weren't enough to worry about, DS came home last night with a bump on the back of his head and when asked told us that another child, let's call him "Liam" had held his head and bashed it against a wall. I felt sick, he was supposed to have been closely monitored. On top of this I had seen his teacher and specifically asked her at the end of the school day if he had been ok, and she made no mention of the incident. So, today there I was again at the school, being assured they were taking this all very seriously, but the little boy in question was denyinmg all knowledge and no one witnessed said incident. They are supposedly carrying out further investigations.
I feel like the school is some faceless machine, and all they care about is not admitting they are in the wrong, that my DS lashes out once and is suspended, but any little brat who feels like having a pop at him can do so. I feel the school has failed him big time. The question is, what to do? We want to appeal against the exclusion, just to get something +ve on his record, and write a formal complaint about the bullying and how it (wasn't) dealt with. Does anyone have experience of this? What is the best way to go about it? I know there are alot of knowledgeable and lovely people out there, and we really need your help. Any advice gratefully received. Just want to wrap DS up and keep him safe .
OK rant over, over to you.........

No advice, but couldn't leave without saying how sorry I was this was happening - poor DS and poor you Am sure you'll get good advice on this thread though xxxxxx

oh i have no experience but so sorry for you

could you move schools?

Thanks hunkerpumpkin, I know if anyone can help, mumsnet can . Feel like we are fighting a losing battle, but DS's welfare and self esteem is worth far more than our sanity!

I would write a letter of complaint to the school and send a copy to your local coucil just to have your say. But I would feel very let down by the school and would happily remove my son and place him in another svhool.

Don't know if moving schools is an option, no idea how to even go about it. Any idea??

Just call your local other schools and ask if they have any vacancies.

Yes we are composing 2 letters, one about the exclusion, and one about the head bashing incident. What council dept would we send it? Or should it be the LEA (or is that tha san=me thing?) Sorry to sound stupid. I'm totally overwhelmed by this. Want to do right thing for him, just feel completely ill equiped to do it .

Oh, didn't realise changing school was that simple will certainly be doing that on Monday.

send it to anyone you feel relevant.

i think i would also consider telling the school that you are withdrawing them until they sort out the bullying problem.
your child should NOT be being injured at school... especially by kids hitting his head on the wall! he could get seriously hurt

I know, it just makes me feel sick to think of what could have happened.
I thought we would be in legal trouble if we withdraw him....... must say is what my instinct tells me to do. Feel like I am delivering him to the lion's den each morning.

i would ask for some work for him to do at home.
if they can't guarantee you that this isn't going to happen again then he shouldn't be there!

That's just it, they can't guarantee it won't happen again, (although they did say "we promise we will look after him" - had to blub to get that far thoguh ). All they can do is say they are investigating it. They are meant to be ringing me on Monday to update me, but I have absolutely no faith in them atall. I feel they will just keep fobbing me off, and just don't know my rights, or more importantly, my son's.

Ring your local county council. they will tell you witch department to write too.

I would'nt send him in if you feel that bad about it, he wont be learning anything if he is unhappy there, even if you have to fake an illness for a week to buy you some time to sort something out, speak to the CAB aswell, they may be able to offer some advice.

Ah, CAB, why didn't I think of that? Thanks . This is half the problem, I don't know who to turn to. I am so emotional and caught up in this I can't see the wood for the trees. There are so many things we feel are wrong here, it is so overwhelming. I mean, how can a 5 year old understand the serious implcations of exclusion? Especially as it now looks as if what he did was a cry for help??

Try and relax a bit over the weekend, so you are bright eyed and bushy tailed to sort things out next week, and give that DS of yours lots of fuss I'm sure you are already.

The best of luck, keep us updated.

Night Night.

Yes we are going to make a big fuss of him. Want him to know he is special, and that we love him. It's so heart rending, to see him unhappy . Thanks so much for all your advice, love the fact that on mumsnet someone is here 24/7, there really is no other place like it.

Nicmum - it certainly sounds to me that your school has a 'rough' playground, and they need to sort it out and get it under control. Maybe that is why they came down so heavily on your ds.

It is awful that your child has been hurt at school, and plenty of people have posted about that. But I wanted to comment a bit more on your son's wrongdoing, and your reaction. I have been through this as a parent, and for me it was a dreadul experience. But I do have some hard things to say, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way.

If he his another child in the face - probably in full view of a teacher - the school had to take some serious action.

Nicmum, I know it is natural to feel protective and defensive of your child. Believe me, I have been there, when my ds1 got in trouble at school (in year 1) in the playground. Your instinctive reaction is to find a reason, and explanation why your darling would behave in such a way. But that isn't necessarily going to be the most productive response.

Don't worry about the exclusion being something 'negative' on his record. If you work together with the school, rather than going in all guns blazing, then you should be able to turn his behaviour round and he will be a model pupil in future: one incident in yr1 will not be regarded by anyone as a blemish on his record. BUT I do think you need to handle it correctly, otherwise it might not be a one-off incident.

If your son suspects that you and school are not 'singing from the same hymnsheet' this could have a very negative impact on the effectiveness of their behaviour management.

If I were you at this point in time I would not be writing letters at all. I would phone and make an appointment to see the Head. But to try and put across the idea that you are on the same side as them, and what you want is the best for your son and others, and to discuss what can be done about his behaviour and the behaviour of others in the playground.
(This may not be 100% what you feel at the moment, but believe me it is the way forward that is most likely to bring the success you want.)

I see no reason at this stage not to believe that the school are taking the incident where your son was hurt very seriously indeed, and they should be able to get it resolved. But if an injury was not witnessed by anyone, and is subsequently denied, it can take a little longer to sort it out.

Nicmum, I agree with Roisin's advice about seeing the Head. DS1 went through a 'bad phase' about a year agoin YR2. I have no doubt this was influenced by the constant aggressive behaviour of some children in his class. Hardly a day went by when he was kicked, scratched, even bitten. However, I did not want his behaviour to deteriorate to the level of some of his peers so I worked with the Head and teacher to help him improve. I also left DS in no doubt that we were on his side but that aggression is not the way to solve disputes. The phase soon passed.

DS' school does not exclude children but a few incidents resulted in the Governors looking at behaviour in the school. If, after speaking to the Head, you are still concerned about your son's treatment the first place to raise your concerns would be with the Governors - you can write to the Chair and the Head will pass the letter on.

Roisin's advice is pretty solid,nicmum2boys. However much your instinct is to keep your ds away from school (and I understand completely) this would be giving the wrong message in the long term to both your ds and the school.

If the school see that you are unwilling to co-operate with them it will be harder to resolve. Also your ds has to learn (unfortunately) that things happen and life has to carry on.

I would not be writing anything at this stage as it is impossible to retract the black and white written word, but would be making an appointment to see the Head.

At the meeting I would make it clear to the Head that I want the situation resolved for everyone's sake (even though I wouldn't necessarily feel like that exactly!) and ask what the school wanted me to do to help the situation.

Keep very calm when on school premises, try to keep the perspective that in some ways "boys will be boys" and physical argy bargy, whilst completely undesirable, does happen at school.

FWIW I think its a complete overreaction on the part of the school to exclude immediately, surely calling you in would have been more constructive?

I wish you luck but remember your ds is only in Yr 1 and has a long school career ahead of him. I could write a book about what happens at what stages and Yrs 1 and 2 are notorious for boys bashing each other.

Fully agree with Roisin's excellent advice. Seeing the head face to face. while daunting, will be more productiove since most of us are better at communication in person than on paper.

While it is vital that the school gets to the problems of the playground undercontol, it is also important that your son gets the help that he needs to help him resolve conflicts (which may well me not of his making) without being violent himself.

Part of the problem may well be that boys of that age are very physical, and lack the common sense to know when to stop...my ds is like this. The school needs to address this issue, if things are getting out of control in the playground. Used well, this could be a great chance for you and your son to settle things properly for him

I hope that things go well.

If you feel your son is being bullied, the most important message to get across to him is that he must tell, tell, tell. The school cannot help him if incidents such as the head-bashing are done out of sight and he then doesn't tell anyone until he gets home. The more he tells teachers what is going on the more seriously he will be taken. Bullies thrive on silence and are also very good at playing the innocent when finally confronted.

You could ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy (all schools have to have one) and see what they should be doing when bullying is reported.

Also, have a look at the Kidscape website here for more useful tips on how to handle bullying and how to help your child.

I think withdrawing your son at this stage might be a little premature, but it might not hurt to contact other local schools to find out if they have any vacancies. You could also speak to them about their approach to bullying as you could so easily be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.

Thanks guys for taking the time to respond, don't have much time now, as getting ready to take DS to see Wallace and Grommitt, so will be back later, but briefly:
I had a meeting with the head, early years coordinator and his teacher yesterday, and I know they are taking the head bashing seriously, I am just that it was allowed to happen in the first place since he was supposed to be being watched following his misdemeanor. Also that he is pulled up immediately, when everyone seems to be looking the other way at the time he was attacked. Very very with his teacher for not mentioning the incident to me, as I specifically asked if he had been ok. She can give me no explaination, has not offered an apology, and I have now lost confidence in her ability to support my son and communicate with me.
Roisin, thanks for being frank, I really need people to advise me on the best course of action, I know that my instinctive reaction isn't necessarily the one that will have the best effect, or most benefit for DS. I want him to know that what "Liam" and "Adam" have done to him is completely unacceptable, and at the moment it just feels like that message isn't being sent out by the school, but I know they are sooooooo politically correct they might strain something, so I wouldn't be told what action had been taken anyway.
Most importantly I don't want him to be labelled, as a bully or a victim, by himself or others. Am seriously worried that he was bullied last year aswell. Desparate to boost his self esteem, as I think this would be the best way to help him learn he should not be on either end of violence.
Yes I know taking him out of school will send entirely the wrong message about life and how to deal with it.
Hmmm life was much easier when I was paying for nursery care and we could vote with our feet. Just feel so helpless .
Anyway, really must go, if that was breif then my full response will be an epic lol.
Thanks again guys, food for thought, back later. nic.x

Also, if you keep your son off school you could get into trouble.

A friend of mine teaches in a school in a rough area and they deal with situations like this by getting the parents of the perpetrators to come in and help supervise play time and lunch time.

There is nothing like the embarrassment of having your parents in teh playground watching you to smarten up behaviour and the inconvience to the parents having to come into school made sure they took things seriously too.

Their presence worked on two levels - firstly there were many more sets of eyes focussed on those most likely to be 'rough' and the parents could see the behaviour first hand so couldn't deny that their little darlings could behave like that!

I think Roisins advice is good up to a point! It is a good first step but you are still left with what do if that doesn't work. In that instance I would follow broadly the same tack but escalate to the the Governors and then onto the LEA.

Sorry, posts crossed, but wanted to say please don't feel helpless. The problem with school (as opposed to nursery) is that you're part of great big system that feels so impersonal. It's horrid, I know, feeling that you have no power over your own child's life but IME these things can move on very quickly if the school acts properly.

Having said that, it's so easy to lose faith in a school (I've been there) when you feel that they are not taking appropriate action. Your ds teacher doesn't seem to be very helpful, has she reassured you that she will keep you informed of events in the future? I would want to know this at the very least.