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Original poster

Do you think you should pick your childs secondary school or s/ he should?

29 replies

NotEnoughTime · 14/02/2011 16:33

The title says it all really.

We are going to take DS1 around the schools in our area to see what he thinks of them. We live in a grammar school area. There are 3 Grammar schools in catchement that he could go to (if he passes the 11+) and 1 comp that he will go to if he doesnt pass it.

We are just not sure who should have the final say as to where he goes-me and his Dad or our son as obviously he will be the one going there for the next six years.

Any advice or opinions would be greatfully accepted.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 14/02/2011 16:38

I would wait and see if I were you.

We took ds to see three different schools and told him that we would accept his choice unless we had some pressing reason not to.

As it turned out he was accepted by all three and the one he chose was the one we preferred to.

Of course we didn't have any silly reasons that he could produce, like wanting to go to the same school as best friend or girlfriend, so we were all looking at the serious things which made it pretty easy.

bobs · 14/02/2011 16:38

I think most kids of that age will want to go where theit friends are going. I sent my kids to a different school to their friends which they were not happy about at the time. However they settled in fine. However I have/will give them the choice after GCSEs. I personally think parents know better at this stage, but take their opinions into consderation as well. Hope that helps

jalopy · 14/02/2011 16:42

I think utimately it's the parent's decision.

You'll get lots of opinions on this one.

PollyMorfic · 14/02/2011 16:51

Tell him you will listen very carefully to his opinions and ideas, but ultimately it will be your decision as the parent, because you have an adult perspective which gives you a longer view on things that might be important to him in five years' time, rather than based on his opinion now.

You may need to do a bit of spin-doctoring, as 10yo dc can be quite shallow in their judgements - you don't want him choosing a school just because they had nice biscuits at the open day, or because of the whizzy science experiments they had set up in the lab. But if you talk to him a lot about what kinds of things he/you are looking for in a school, then you should hopefully find that you are both in agreement on most points.

It is worth flagging up beforehand (repeatedly) that he mustn't choose a school on the basis of where his friends are going, and that if he does go somewhere different from his friends he will be able to keep his old friends and make new ones as well (this last is true, btw, not just spin).

exexpat · 14/02/2011 16:51

At 11 I'd say take his opinions into account, but adults have to have the final say as we are better at seeing the bigger picture - eg where his friends are going may seem an overwhelming factor for him now, but you know that he will make new friends/may fall out with old friends, so other things are more important. If you were choosing a sixth form it would be a bit different.

I discussed it a lot with DS when we were deciding where he should go for yr7 a couple of years ago - there were two main options, but luckily in the end we both agreed on the one he ended up at. I wouldn't have hesitated to choose the one I thought best if he had disagreed for trivial reasons, though.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 14/02/2011 16:59

Parents' decision absolutely, but you do need dc's views eg if they don't like a school, have a discussion as to why. Kids can sometimes be more perceptive than you think

cuckooclock · 14/02/2011 17:06

We let dd make the choice, she had a choice between 2 schools, one of which was my old school. I would have quite liked it if she went to my old school but she preferred the other. Her reasons were valid: no boys(!), nice feel, friendly atmosphere. Academically they were very similar so we went with her choice.
I think if they are very different and there are valid reasons for not choosing one then parental influence may be required.

GrimmaTheNome · 14/02/2011 17:15

Joint decision if possible, but you have the veto if any school is unacceptable for some reason.

We got down to a choice of 2 schools that DH and I were both very happy with, at that point it really was DDs choice. I think this helped her settle in with a really positive attitude.

If your child is dead set against the school you prefer, think about it carefully - unless its a spurious reason, sending a child to a school they are negative about could be asking for trouble.

Snorbs · 14/02/2011 17:16

When we were choosing DS's secondary school I saw it as DS's opinion would count for a lot but the buck stopped with me.

As it turned out the one I would have preferred was a non-starter due to a very tight catchment area. My second choice was his first choice so we went with that. It's worked out well.

nagynolonger · 14/02/2011 17:24

Ours never had a choice. In rural areas everyone goes to the local comprehensive. It is a real comp though no grammar to cream off the most able.

At 11 I would say parents should choose. It's OK DC having a say but parents must make final choice.

PlanetEarth · 14/02/2011 17:51

We went round several (private) schools without the kids. Having narrowed it down to two we took the kids to both. DD1 got into both and we wanted her to have a say, but she refused to express a preference and we chose for her. DD2 has the same choice of schools and is more vocal about what she wants, but changes her mind frequently! However, given that we are happy with both schools it doesn't really matter which she chooses.

We didn't give either child the choice of a school we weren't happy with, and if we'd only liked one school that would be where they went.

PlanetEarth · 14/02/2011 18:12

By the way, no real choice here either if you go down the state route. You can apply to different schools but it's nearly all catchment-based.

freshmint · 14/02/2011 18:13

you need to take the final decision and nudge them in the direction you think they should go

consult, consider their choices but you decide iMO

MarinaResurgens · 14/02/2011 18:14

Agree that you should value his input and listen carefully to it, but ultimately you have the veto. We were lucky too - ds had a choice of two grammars in adjoining LEAs and he preferred the one we did as well.

EdgarAleNPie · 14/02/2011 18:22

back in the dark ages, when i was eleven, my parents asked me if i wnted to go to >insert prestigious public school< - explained i would have to go by bus instead, and that i would have to take an exam.

at the thought of taking a 45 min bus ride every morning, i declined. I went to the local comp instead, where my sister was.

right decision? i can't know. i had a crap time at the comp, both friendles and bored. at the private school i'd have been friendless and challenegd probably...

but my decision was based on me being slightly shy about taking the bus, and dislike of going places without company, and i ovecame that in later life anyway.so my 11 year old self was probably not the right person to ask.

GrimmaTheNome · 14/02/2011 19:27

Oh Edgar, that's a shame - as far as I can see the school bus functions as a social club.

Our (somewhat shy) DD was totally positive about the bus because on the various open days etc every 6th form guide we grilled on the subject was adamant it was one of the best bits of the day ... for the OP, worth remembering if you need 'spin' on something your DC is dubious about which you're pretty sure isn't a problem, get a tour and ask, they usually choose guides who can 'sell' the school (and if they don't that probably tells you something)

Original poster

NotEnoughTime · 14/02/2011 20:00

Thanks very much everyone for your very helpul replies.

Like the majority on here I think my gut instinct is for us to have the final say but if we are as equally happy with two of the schools then we will let DS decide.

Im going to settle down now with a and have a look through all the school prospectuses, websites etc.

OP posts:

Takver · 14/02/2011 20:41

Agree with everyone else - parents have final say, but should definitely take child's opinions very much into account.

For us, there are practical reasons (distance, language) that lead us as parents to favour one of the two local schools - but if dd were to visit both and have sound reasons to prefer the other, we would have to think very hard before over-ruling her.

Ingles2 · 14/02/2011 20:48

I've allowed ds1 to choose.. and It's not the one I would have chosen. When I say choose, we are still waiting for our allocation on 1st March, so who knows what we'll actually end up with.
Ds1 passed the 11+ very well and so we could include the super selectives.
He chose the decent grammar where his friends will be going and a couple of boys from the village attend. When you live rurally, and have a hours bus journey each way that kind of thing is important.
2nd choice was 1 of the super selectives Dh and I thought was a really good fit for Ds1
And 3rd choice was the comp

Barbeasty · 14/02/2011 20:54

My brothers and I were given the final choice- my parents couldn't agree!

I went with my Dad's choice and my brothers went with Mum's. Sadly I was made to move for sixth form, but that's a whole other story!

roisin · 15/02/2011 18:33

I feel very strongly that it should be the parents choice. It is an important decision and the factors that influence 10/11 yr-olds are unlikely to be wise ones about their future education. ds1 was interested in the uniform, how much free food was on offer at the open evenings and how big the bangs were in the science demos!

We told the boys when they were very young (6 or 7) that we would listen to their opinions, but that secondary school choice was our decision. We would make the best decision for them, because we are older, wiser and can consider all the options to make the best choice for them, because we want the best for them, because we love them.

They accepted that totally and utterly.

In the end they were both very happy with the choices we made, and now are settled and thriving in the school.

AngelHMum · 16/02/2011 22:10

With ours we visited all the available options (even the ones on paper we felt were not suitable) and discussed all of them in detail.
We allowed our children to choose which schools went down in which order but their opinions were virtually the same as ours.

mummytime · 17/02/2011 11:42

With my DS, DH and I both really liked one private school, but DS didn't. He did like a local Comp, which we also liked, so that is where he went (not sure we could have afforded the private school).

For a while he had a place at the most local school to us, which wasn't my first choice but I was happy with it. My son was desperate not to go there, and fortunately got into the other Comp. Having spent sometime woring in the most local school it wouldn't have been a good choice for my DS. So he was right on that.

We gave DD a choice too, she nearly preferred the local Catholic school, but in the end choose the same school as her brother. Which I do prefer.

BUT I am spoilt by having a lot of very good schools nearby.

bitsyandbetty · 19/02/2011 12:15

We let our DS decide between two schools, catholic or non-catholic as not in GS area. He chose the catholic which was our first choice because all his friends are going but both schools were good.

crazymum53 · 19/02/2011 12:30

I would say that it has to be a joint decision. Do involve your ds in the decision process and hopefully you will come to an agreement.
Look at the subjects your ds likes (both school subjects and extra curricular activities) and see which schools are the best fit.
We are still waiting to see which choice my dd in Y6 will be allocated for this September but did come up with 3 choices that we were reasonably happy with!

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