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Private school or 3rd child - how to choose?

42 replies

NonSense2 · 11/01/2011 19:58

We have two dc and very little choice of good primaries where we are. Older one is in private pre-school and incredibly happy. She is shy and has problems hearing in large groups (glue ear) and would benefit from the smaller classes in the private school. If we sent her we'd also send our second dc (seems a bit unfair not to?). We could probably just about afford it but that means stopping at two when both dh and I are getting a bit broody...
Has anyone had to make a similar decision, and what did you do?

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Fiddledee · 11/01/2011 20:34

I've stopped at 2 for the same reasons although DH not keen on 3 anyway but I am not keen on state education. I would never privately educate one and not any of the other DC as that happened in my family and the effects live on.

You could have a third but think of ways of earning more or downsizing etc... There are ways of doing it if you really want to.

Adair · 11/01/2011 20:36
Shock

Different world...

NonSense2 · 11/01/2011 20:43

Fiddledee thanks, I also feel we can't send one and not the other - it's asking for resentment between siblings

Adair Grin I agree! Oddly, the private school we are looking at is a lot cheaper than what we have forked out for nurseries... So it's all relative

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thisisyesterday · 11/01/2011 20:51

i had choice of stopping at 1 and private school, or having more

i chose more. BUT I hadn't already got one in a private nursery/school which does make a difference

i guess it depends how strongly you feel. could you move?
what are dd's prospects in regard to glue ear? they often grow out of it, and it may not be an issue as she gets older... we've seen very good results for ds2 from cranial osteopathy..

blowninonabreeze · 11/01/2011 20:58

I have exactly the same reasons for stopping at the 2 we currently have.

I would really reallylike another child, as would DH, BUT I would like to educate my current children privately (certainly at secondary level) and therefore we've decided to stop at 2.

(although I'd never say never! Grin)

Adair · 11/01/2011 20:59

Yes, on a more practical note - could dd not need what she needs now forever? I'd be really surprised if your state primaries were so awful... (though I do understand your wish for her to have small class sizes now).

Anyway, sorry for being a bit... er.... am blaming it on being 38 weeks preg and v grumpy Confused. I understand this is a real dilemma for you, the title just surprised me!

NonSense2 · 11/01/2011 21:17

thisisyesterday dd's hearing is okay at the moment (she had some speech delay but has caught up nicely partly thanks to the private nursery) but she struggles with lots of background noise. She's also a late summer baby and young for her age... which is why I worry so much about the class sizes.

blowninonabreeze I think I could live with 'never say never' Grin

adair ooooh, 38 weeks Smile Nearly there! I am envious!! My youngest is 11 months and seems so grown up already (See, I am broody!! Grin. Very best of luck!!
You caught me out.. there is one primary we could live with but it's a feeder school for a seriously disturbing secondary! Shock

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hatsybatsy · 12/01/2011 11:51

tricky dilemma - we've had a similar experience.

havd 2 dc - both at independent pre-prep. thought we were happy with 2 but have suddenyl become broody again. have thought about it long and hard - there are lots of practical reasons not to have a 3rd (big age gap, how would we cope with the baby stage now, we're both now over 40 so higher risks etc) - but the financial side of things is also in the mix.

if we had no3 now, then ds and dd would basically have to go state for secondary, and i am not ready to make their 11+ choices just yet. so as much as my random broodiness plays on my mind, we will not be having a 3rd.

darleneconnor · 12/01/2011 11:58

Possible options/solutions:

  • have big age gaps
  • only go private for secondary
  • put children into schools according to their particular needs regardless of state/private (tbh I dont think it's unfair on your other child if you are private schooloing one because of SN)
-move to a smaller/cheaper house -remortgage -move to a cheaper area or an area with better state schools -get better paid/2nd jobs
  • pick private schools with big sibling discounts
  • budget in other ways
NonSense2 · 12/01/2011 20:16

Thanks for all the suggestions! I will keep thinking and discussing with dh and try to keep my broody side quiet for now... Smile

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mamatomany · 12/01/2011 20:25

We got three for three the price of two at our school, negotiate with them, they need your business like every other business does.
Lots of schools will offer a good 3rd child discount as it keeps you in the school for longer.

beautifulgirls · 12/01/2011 20:54

Or you could take the view that having to have a state education is not that bad after all and have a 3rd? If you had a choice between being born and going to a state school or not being born is it really so bad - though yes I appreciate that this is not a current baby we are talking about and any potential child doesn't actually make a choice. It's just about looking at a different perspective.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/01/2011 00:46

We have 2 DDS...older (6) at private prep...younger is only 2.

We had given up on the idea of a third child..but then we realised we want another and that DD is happy at her school but it is MUCH too small...three other girls in her year.

We are moving and she will be attending a very nice state school very soon...I am using the spare cash to put towards tutors and private for secondary.

In my opinion my DD will be just as well in a small village school with good to outstanding ofsted and a nice lot of girls to play with.

At the mo if one or two of her friends are off ill, it really makes a hole.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 13/01/2011 00:46

Plus I WANT ANOTHER BABY! Grin

NonSense2 · 13/01/2011 21:21

mamatomany that is quite an interesting thought, to get a fee reduction! I know some of the private schools are struggling at the moment because even at dd's hugely popular school they only had a handful of children in the nursery class to start with (when they have capacity for 40 in two classes). It was perfect for dd but I have wondered...

beautifulgirls you are quite right and she is down for one of the primaries while I keep my options open. I think I'll have to decide in the summer for entry into reception in September?

Wimple Grin Me too! A part of me feels as if there is still someone missing in our family Hmm so I think the thought of having a third is a bit persistent in my head...

darlene moving could be an option but probably not for her first year at school because the application deadline has been and gone.

Thank you all for your input - plenty to think about here Smile

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mamatomany · 13/01/2011 22:32

Locally 3 private schools have closed down, the three remaining have had to be very very nice to the parents, no fee increases and more included within the fees to keep everyone sweet.

cece · 13/01/2011 22:37

No contest. More children everytime!

CointreauVersial · 13/01/2011 22:40

Same for me. I wanted three dcs, and if that meant state education, then so be it. Luckily we live in a nice area for schools, but I would make the same decision again, every time.

jenandberry · 13/01/2011 23:52

I can't believe anyone would choose a private educatio over a human life.

mamatomany · 13/01/2011 23:58

Really ? Lots of people chose to have one or two children because they want a private education for them, it's not like having a third child and sending it off to the orphanage when they can't afford it's education too, this is a hypothetical child.

KittyFoyle · 14/01/2011 00:09

WE have three children and although I'd love them to go to private school for several reasons I doublet we'll be able to afford it. So now we might have 4. Most schools do have discounts for 3 at the school, also bursaries etc for some. And most have an intake at 13 and 16 too so you could send them to finish them off at 16 - like a nice creme brulee.

hairylipsquid · 14/01/2011 00:09

I'm with you OP, similar situation here. I decided after DC2 that we were stopping. DH wanted a 3rd but happy to stop if that's what I wanted. DS due to start private pre-prep in September and DD due to start in Nursery there next year.

I wouldn't want another right one now but am finding myself thinking more and more about having a 3rd once the other two are full-time education (in 3 or 4 years time). However, there is no way we could afford to send all 3 private and DS and DD would be settled in by then.

I keep thinking though that even thinking about another baby has made it a potential life, and deciding not to have it is then denying that potential person a life - does that make sense?

kris123 · 14/01/2011 17:56

Interesting topic worth a comment. I have three, and though i want more, we decided to stop at 3 due to the logistics issues. I am planning to resume after a longer gap, so perhaps a quick double when aged 43 - 45, i am 31 now, (even thought about freezing the embryos, but decided that the risk of complications from ivf outweights that of the old age - views ladies?).

As to your topic, I feel that sending kids to private primary schools is absolutely not needed to give your DC a good start. Good VA schools, your hands on approach, bofa11plus, bond, all these tools will help you to get a smart child into a good secondary school. Its not a rocket science process, and i am bewildered how parents who spend 15k per year on prep school often consider their tasks done. I would even argue that in some ways, state primaries are even better to get a child into the top public schools, as they enable your child to (a) get a scholarship, if you are eligable for one - and in the event that something happens you will be eligable, and (b) be more confident of their abilities in the interview stage; no need for discussions about Ferraris, holidays etc - what might (though not sure). My son for instance did well at state school and went from good state VE primary to one of the top public schools, and we could have done so much more to prepare him. Frankly other mothers told us 7 years ago that we are crazy to send our kids to state school, almost implying we are wasting a child, and yet somehow it worked fine for us so far. Beware of this peer pressure amongst your circle, as people are generally afraid that you can make it in a different, better way.

So my fellow mums, save yourself 2 x 15k x 7 years = 210k and get an extra child or two, relying on private at secondary level (if needed). And get a good holiday why you are at it.

Which part of UK do you live in? Do you have state grammar schools? This is another great way to save a lot of money, and get top quality education for free. You could for instance move your prep school children to the grammar (i have seen a numbe of prep school kids at the grammar school exams), and if you get in - your cashflow for one child will be freed.

ALSO: i know that education is important, but i assure you, that looking forward 30 years, your children who by then will know that friendships are temporary, marriages often too, but family is not, they will thank you for a large family much more than for a top local priamry school.

On the other hand, one thing i can tell you, having three kids myself, is to prepare for the following changes:

  1. generally financially not that big of a problem - apart from education of course

  2. you should forget hotel stays in many eu
    countries, as they are not allowed to have 5 people per room for insurance reasons. get used to egypt, and maybe tunisia (especially now). Skiing is an issue as you will need to rent a flat. Overall - book easyjet flights early.

  3. time wise it is a big change. generally do PLAN. for instance try not to get yourself into situation where one child is passing A-levels, and at the same time another is at 11plus. This could be too much for you, a working parent. Of course i i did not plan and will have such situation - and i am already worried.

IN SUMMARY, IF YOU ARE REALLY WORRIED TO HAVE KIDS AND SPEND CASH ON PRIMARY SCHOOLs, then i would seriously sit down, open a bottle of wine, have a cigi, and think about what is really important to you in life. I cannot tell you to go and have more kids, as I do not know you, your family, but I can tell you that for me this question would not exist.

Hopefully i managed to do some good, and karma will get back to me today. :)

Runoutofideas · 15/01/2011 12:50

Nonsense2 - as a bit of a side comment, my dd struggled in her class of 30, due to glue ear, when starting reception. She's since had grommets fitted which have worked wonders and she's very happy and settled in her large class now.....

I do understand the dilemma though. We have very good local primaries, but appalling secondary options, so are thinking we are going to have to go private at 11. It's only sensible to consider the cost implications when deciding the size of your family, I think.

NonSense2 · 15/01/2011 21:27

Thank you all, so much to think about Smile. I think one thing clearer to me is that I do feel someone is missing and I really do want a third child... We'll keep our options open as long as we can this summer and hope for inspiration! I do worry about dd - thanks for your comment runoutofideas - it may be something to consider to help her cope in large groups.
We may have to move due to jobs (or lack of) so good state schools would be top of the agenda for chosing a new home. Never thought this would be so difficult Confused. I thought getting through baby and toddlerhood was the hard part Grin

kris thanks for your post. Ours would be more like 6k a year in junior and 8k in senior, plus sibling discounts. If it was 15k the decision would be made for us anyway... Oh, and there is no peer pressure in my circle because I'd be the only one sending my dd private (so in a way peer pressure NOT to send her I guess).

Interestingly, I disagree with some of you and think that I'd rather spend money on the primary years to give my kids a really good foundation for doing well in state secondary and beyond. Part of me things paying the huge fees for private 6th form is throwing money away because they could be too far behind to do well at that point and some unis appear to discriminate against independent schools.

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