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Original poster

My child is naughty at school

41 replies

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 13:30

Don't know if this is the right place to post this but I am pretty stressed and would like to hear from anyone with a similar problem.

My son is bright, sporty and musical and on the face of it has a lot going for him, in terms of within a school environment. He is strong in all subjects including art and drama. But he is naughty and disorganised. He is always trying to play pranks and is very rude to teachers; rolls his eyes at them and answers back all the time. He is not bored as he is being stretched and is kept busy. My other children are very complient and well behaved and as a family we are very hot on manners and respect.

This behaviour is causing problems and many good things are being taken away from him. He has always had these problems wherever he has been. The first term at a school he is good and then he gets cocky. We've had him tested for Aspergers but it came back as inconclusive. He can be mean to others - not bullying - but will tell them if their work was rubbish, they look fat etc and then continue playing with them as if he said nothing.

I don't know what to do and am feeling very low. If it is a self esteem issue then the sanctions he is being given will only make it worse but he doesn't seem to react to sanctions.

Help :(

OP posts:

PollyParanoia · 01/12/2010 13:38

Hello I'm so sorry that you're feeling low about this, it must be really upsetting.
This is probably really unfair of me but weren't you on another thread likening sending your child to state school to giving them nothing but chips to eat? It wasn't me you were rude to but another poster, but I was flabbergasted by your responses. Your posts directed to Seeker were basically telling her that her thoughts were rubbish, exactly as you say your son does to his school friends. I'm not sure this is reflective of what I would call 'manners and respect'.
Sorry for this, but I do wonder if your quite prescriptive ideas might be feeding into your son's behaviour.

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 13:40

I was winding seeker up as a joke and save sill behaviour for Mumsnet, like many of us do.

OP posts:

sue52 · 01/12/2010 14:09

Is this a genuine post or are you still winding up seeker (I don't think it will work if you are)?

mary21 · 01/12/2010 14:12

We are having similar problems with DS1 age 13. However he was always very good at school till secodary. He does have Aspergers. We have found the NAS ABC behaviour charts helpful as there is always a route cause to his behaviour. He will feel he has been teased or he wants the jolly atmosphere to continue. Sorry I wish I had the answers but sanctions arent really working here either

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 14:24

What has this post got to do with seeker? I do not know anything about seeker and have never read any of her posts except on the boarding thread.

Thank you Mary, I will look into this.

I really need some genuine advice please, thanks.

OP posts:

PollyParanoia · 01/12/2010 15:44

Actually was in thread called 'would you move your dc to private school if they were v happy in state'. In which you stated that private is a,ways better than state. Doesn't sound like your private is getting the best out of your son. You might find a state school is better a dealing with behaviour that is outside a narrow template

PollyParanoia · 01/12/2010 15:45

at dealing. New dangled iPad thingie

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 15:45

I have no interest in discussing previous topics. I need help and advice on this specific topic, thank you.

OP posts:

PollyParanoia · 01/12/2010 15:49

You're right it's mean of me, will no longer take part although my suggestion about state schools dealing with difficult behaviour was meant seriously.

magentadreamer · 01/12/2010 17:14

How old is your Ds?

ShanahansRevenge · 01/12/2010 17:21

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 17:26

He's 10. Just arranged meeting with school and apparently his exam results were very poor for a "boy of his ability".

OP posts:

freerangeeggs · 01/12/2010 19:05

I think we need to be kind to the OP as she's in a shitty situation.

What age is your son? Has his behaviour at school always been like this? Does he display these behaviours at home?

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 19:10

He does say what he feels and his social boundaries are weak but it seems to be deteriorating and he doesn't seem to care. However his academic results have never been affected. He has always been easily distracted and does try it on more with teachers that appear to be more gentle. He know how diapproving we are of this attitude but it makes no difference.

OP posts:

SandStorm · 01/12/2010 19:14

I'm assuming from the previous posts that your son is at private school. If this is the case then I second what Polly says. State schools are often much better at providing for children with special needs (not saying that your DS has these but it's still a possibility if the tests were inconclusive). I know someone who has dc at private but also SN children at state school for this very reason.

Does he play up like this at home? Are there any problems at home? (Sorry - I don't know you or your circumstances.) Has he had any friendship issues at school?

With regard to his exam results - is it possible that he's 'too' bright and is finding the whole thing boring and as such just can't be bothered with the whole thing?

Have just read this post back - lots of questions and very little advice. Sorry.

scurryfunge · 01/12/2010 19:15

Do they some kind of daily report system in the school? His behaviour is monitored and recorded for every activity and he would get rewarded at the end of the day if the report is good. I know it is usually more of a secondary thing but maybe mention monitoring by the teacher and keep him focussed with behaviour targets throughout the day.

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 19:25

He was at two state schools and it was a disaster and he has been in a couple of private schools but only because of relocation and although he was similar it had not deteriorated and he was never asked to move. He needs the smaller class size, for him and the teacher's sake!

No daily reports seem to be given as yet but I know it won't bother him and he tends to think these things are patronising so digs his heels in. He's not the easiest child at home but is generally pretty obedient although he has to have the occasional back chat!

We are hoping for a meeting soon but I can't see how things are going to improve as this is not new. :(

OP posts:

harecare · 01/12/2010 19:29

If he is as clever as you say and he is behaving in such an "aren't I brilliant and everyone else is rubbish" sort of way then the only thing to do is take him down a peg or 2.
How? Not sure, but trying to blame his behaviour on a syndrome when he is able to play the system when he chooses won't solve a lot.
He just sounds like a typical (possible spoiled) know it all 10 year old to me. Not very nice, but until his behaviour starts to affect HIM what reason does he have to change it?
What sanctions has he been given?
What makes you think he has self esteem issues? From what you've written he has a pretty overinflated ego so I shouldn't worry about that.
Does he know his exam results are poor? What does he think about that?

harecare · 01/12/2010 19:32

Has he been in a total of 5 different schools at the age of 10?
Good grief! Is that amount of chopping and changing going to continue?

SandStorm · 01/12/2010 19:33

Gosh - it sounds to me like he's very unsettled at if at 10 he's been in 4 (?) schools he's bound to have issues. I suspect he views school as something very transient and not necessarily something to be taken seriously. Maybe he thinks if he's likely to be moving again he doesn't need to put any effort in.

However, I also think his school needs to put some more effort in. He's ten years old and they need to come up with a strategy to show him who's the boss (so to speak). How long has he been there and which year was he in when he arrived? Did they do a formal assessment of him at that point?

I have to say I think they are letting him down badly if they want you to move him - have I read that right? All it's teaching him is that no-one cares enough about him to make the effort :(

And I still wonder if he's ahead of his class academically and bored.

Still no help, but I'm trying.

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 19:38

Harecare,

He is far from spoiled and doesn't think he's brilliant at everything. In fact he thinks he's crap in areas where he is very talented but he compares himself to the best in the school. He insults people but does not seem to understand the effect or consequences and this has gone on for years and years and he has never witnessed this privately or publicly from his parents. Our other kids are all very nice.

He has been given lots of sanctions from not being allowed on school trips, match bans, no tuck shop, computer bans, no pocket money but it does not make a difference. He does not care about his exam results.

I did not try to blame his behaviour on a syndrome but I think as his mother, with experience of my other children, my gut instinct should stand for something, rather than an opinion based on what I've written on a forum.

I'D BE GRATEFUL IF ANY ONE HAS ANY EXPERIENCE RATHER THAN JUDGING ME AND MY SON, THANK YOU!

OP posts:

Original poster

RedSuedeShoes · 01/12/2010 19:41

Sandstorm,

He did one year in reception and year 1 at two different state schools and then the two private schools which I know is not ideal.

The school is not asking him to leave but the whole situation is very stressful for everyone involved and I'm sick of him being seen as a problem and longterm I can't imagine it will do him any good. The only assessment that has been done was a general admission/IQ test. I really don't think he is bored and he says he finds the work challenging.

OP posts:

SandStorm · 01/12/2010 19:49

Well, in that case, I'm flummoxed and have been absolutely no help to you at all :( although I am a good listener if you need one?

I don't have any relevant experience and all my completely amateur thoughts have been used up but I really hope something is done which helps you and your son.

defineme · 01/12/2010 20:00

My ds1 has a dx of aspergers and is 9. Dc in his school without a dx, but with similar issues, are given the same help with social and academic issues. These include-
A circle of friends.
A esteem raising group.
Social stories written re how to talk to others.This has been followed up with support in the playground from ta and then gradually allowing him to be more independent.
IEP reviewed twice a year to see how these issues are going.
Funding applied for and received for 1-1 help with literacy and numeracy hour.
Funding applied for and received for special keyboard and computer programme.
Taking certain activities in stages eg carpet time, assembly and dinner time have been graduated processes with peer support and everyone from dinner ladies to secretary invoved in support.

None of this stops ds1 from being very different to his peers, but he is happier and teachers and pupils have an awareness and acceptance of him which is very special.

I expect secondary school to be a very different experience, but I'm happy for the moment.

This is not a private school by the way.

Could they introduce some of these strategies with him? If,as you believe, he has some kind of difference then it could help.

mummyloveslucy · 01/12/2010 20:01

Has he always been like this or could it be that he doesn't get on well with his new teacher?
Have you asked him if there's anything bothering him at school?

My daughter is also at a private school, she's nearly 6. We've had similar problems with her. She isn't openly rude or anything, just stubborn and won't do any work unless the teacher is sat right beside her helping her. She is leaving the school at Christmas as she has SEN's and possible Aspergers. I don't think private schools have the experience or the funding to help her.

can you speak to his teacher and ask for small meetings every day after school to discus his behaviour in class? They did this with us and it did seem to help a bit.
Good luck anyway, sorry I haven't been much help. I can relate to what you're going through though.

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