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Boarding chorister

59 replies

lifelongtraveller · 07/11/2010 06:53

Do you regret letting your child become a chorister and a boarder?

My son, aged 9, has become, practically-speaking, a prisoner at school. By the time he finishes 5 years of this he will not remember what normal family life is at all. He is free to leave for a few hours only on a Sunday afternoon - in winter it is soon too dark even to take the dog for a walk at theis time and the town closes down at about 5, so there is basically nowhere to hang out. Holidays are weird - short because of singing commitments - just an exercise in marking time till he leaves again. The year before he left, waiting for him to start this school, was like waiting for him to die. It felt as if we were doing everything for the last time, which we were.

Does anybody regret their child becoming a chorister boarder?

OP posts:
seeker · 09/11/2010 11:05

Not mocking and deriding - would be interested to see where you got that idea from. I asked a simple question. I come from a family with several boarding choristers so I do have relevant knowledge.

I do think that sometimes people get carried along by what is expected of them, or what seemed like a good idea at the time, and sometimes need to stop and think "Is this actually the right thing for my child and my family" Hence my question.

Liluri · 09/11/2010 13:40

Nothing "self-righteous" about Seeker's posts as far as I can see.

AMumInScotland · 09/11/2010 13:49

It strikes me as a very relevant and fair question. DS was a non-boarding chorister, and it totally took over all our lives. We checked with him a number of times to make sure it was still what he wanted, and if he had said no (consistently and not just after one particularly hard day) then we'd have taken him out. The benefits you get from a chorister life don't outweigh the need for a reasonably happy childhood.

If his experience had been as hard as those described here, I'd have seriously considered stopping, and he'd have had to beg me to continue!

It's fair for seeker to ask what it is that makes these families feel it is worth it, despite the hardships.

emy72 · 09/11/2010 17:07

I thought Seeker's question was a fair one tbh.

RedSuedeShoes · 09/11/2010 17:51

Some families do not have the option. It may be their only way for their son's not to be in sink schools, expecially in London, or for them to gain access to senior schools.

It tends to be the parents who don't like the lifestyle. The boys don't know any different and they do get a lot out of what they do and couldn't bear the thought of not being choristers.

nickelbangBANGbang · 09/11/2010 18:00

I don't understand why the schools make the boys leave when their voices break?
surely it would make sense for them to have a section in the school for developing their voices so that they can sing well as adults?
It can be very damaging for their voices not to be trained to sing after it breaks.

(sorry, no experience or advice to offer, but I would say that if he's not happy, it would be the same as any school - ask him if he'd prefer to live at home and and go to a day school - there will still be church choirs and singing lessons he can attend)

RedSuedeShoes · 09/11/2010 18:04

schools don't ask boys to leave when their voice breaks!

Constance39 · 09/11/2010 18:10

'They don't know any different' has never seemed a particularly humane excuse for doing something to your child that you don't think is very good for them.

RedSuedeShoes · 09/11/2010 18:26

There is nothing wrong with being a chorister. They are spending their time doing something they enjoy. If a cricketer wanted to spend all day on the cricket pitch then no one would bat an eyelid! Better they sing than spend all evening on the X-box while mum rushes around spending no quality time with them.

Constance39 · 09/11/2010 19:02

Red, I don't think anyoen has suggested there is anything wrong with being a chorister.

That's not the issue here - OP's son is not happy and wants to come home. End of iMHO.

AMumInScotland · 09/11/2010 19:42

RedSuedeShoes - you do seem very defensive about this. Nobody is saying there is anything wrong in being a chorister. People are simply saying that, if a child of 9 is miserable in a boarding school, the parents should not hesitate to remove them from it. This boy is not doing something he enjoys, he is miserable and asking to come home, where IMHO children belong unless they really really want to be at boarding school.

If the OP was saying "My son loves being a boarding chorister but we find the committment too much", she'd be getting a different response.

yesbutnobut · 09/11/2010 19:59

My son is in his 3rd year as a chorister. I would say it does get better once the boys get more involved in the choir - in the earlier probationer days there's not so much reward.

OP, if your son wants to leave then take him out. The clause you refer to is not enforceable - it's put there to remind parents that being a chorister is a huge commitment on the part of a boy, his family and whoever funds the choir. The choir certainly don't want boys who've had 2 or 3 years training to leave as they've invested heavily in them (not least in the form of subsidised school fees - I assume you benefit from this) but also because they are very hard to replace.

In my son's choir 1 or 2 boys have quietly left and it's something that happens after discussion with the school and choir. So raise your concerns, don't sit home worrying about it.

Are you sure boys have to leave once their voices break? I thought the general rule was that they leave the choir but not the school. For one thing these boys tend to get music scholarships to their next school and the prep school will want to take the glory for this. I guess what may happen is that you lose the subsidy but I doubt boys have to leave the school.

I wholeheartedly agree with other posters about the sacrifices choristers make. We sent our son there as he is very musical, only to find, as others point out, that the time for instrumental practice is minimal. The academic side really suffers too.

Is it worth it? My son is very happy and flourishing, but I woudln't do it again unless I lived much closer. The amount of free time is limited - but OP does your son not get more weekend time between services and an afternoon off each week?

As for these boys being scarred for life, I'm not sure I'd go that far. We have families at my son's choir where up to 4 brothers have all been choristers and the older ones regularly visit and come to evensong and are a great advert for the choir.

Now that I know a bit more about choirs, I would choose, if I lived in a university town, one of the colleges which has a choir where children can sing once or twice a week. The children get the benefit of learnign to sing to a high standard and have opportunities to perform and travel, but without the huge commitment.

So, OP, act now if you really don't want your son to stay at this school. Make sure you have another school place for him to go to first though!

exHomeEd · 11/11/2010 00:53

May I jump in too. Our son was, for a short time a probationer chorister (day, not boarding).

Even though we lived close to both the school mandated to cover their education and the cathedral, we decided after less than 1/2 a term that the supposed 'benefits' of being a chorister were not worth the sacrifices we'd make in losing our son for all those extra hours per week.

We had been home edding before and all we'd wanted to do was let him be a chorister and continue with delivering his education ourselves, but that was too simple and not allowed.

Most parents we spoke to used the choristership as a way of guaranteeing their sons entry into senior school in due course and therefore were quite happy to do their son's coursework etc.

Our take in hindsight is that the choirboys are cannon-fodder, they are needed for the choir and whilst it can be good fun for the boys, their overall education will definately suffer and their free-time will be non-existent.

There is also the strict 'no days off' policies that don't sound too bad to start with, however, we were told that our son wouldn't be allowed time off next year for ABRSM exams - which was music related after all!

As regards boarding at that age, I would say no, later, at 13+ perhaps but when they are young do not confuse apparent scholastic benefits with 'the system' taking full advantage of eager parents.

Possibly as an ex-home-edder I see things more sharply, no offence meant to anyone but if the son of the OP has summoned up the courage to voice his concerns then they have got to be big.

When we said our son wanted to study chemistry at age 8 the Bishop said such early learning was 'child abuse', and in the same breath extoled the virtues of the hours of extra work the choir required.

So don't expect the school or church to understand your concerns.

Get your son back home sharpish.

mummytime · 11/11/2010 06:28

Sorry exHomeEd but not all day choristers are treated the same as your son.
The boy choristers here, have to get to school about 1 hour early every day for rehearsal (8 instead of 9), they sing evensong 3 evenings a week and do one duty on a Sunday. On top they do: concerts (about 1 a term), take part in outreach to local primary schools, get taken out for ABRSM lessons etc during normal school lessons.
They can still belong to the Rugby team etc., which makes the occasional Saturday activities a bit complex sometimes.

But if they want to go to the Senior school they have to pass the exam just like anyone else (but they can stay at the Prep until 13). Also the funding doesn't pay for their education just about 1/3 of it.

I have also known boys thrive at boarding choir schools, but the child has to love it.

So not all choristers are treated the same. It is much more convenient to have all the choristers at the same school. (They struggle with the girls as they are at a lot of different schools, and it will be interesting to see how the schools respond when they try to get the girls out of school for 1 day next summer; something that isn't a problem for the boys.)

seeker · 11/11/2010 06:48

"There is nothing wrong with being a chorister. They are spending their time doing something they enjoy. If a cricketer wanted to spend all day on the cricket pitch then no one would bat an eyelid! Better they sing than spend all evening on the X-box while mum rushes around spending no quality time with them."

That really is a very silly post indeed.

Litchick · 11/11/2010 09:14

If a child love it then it's doable.

DS gets in early every day to sing, then three lunchtimes and once after school.
There is usually one service per weekend. Plus concerts throughout the year.

To be honest, sports can be as onerous. DD did an hour's training before school today.

If the child can't not imagine doing it, and the parents are willing and able it is fine.

However, if the child doesn't love it, it will end in unhappiness and resentment.

Gooftroop · 11/11/2010 10:42

lifelongtraveller, if it's not working out, then it's not working out. But I wouldn't jump ship in a frantic rush. Whatever happens, you want him to look back on these years as a special, memorable experience - perhaps not one he wanted for more than a couple of years, but valuable and special nonetheless.

So start looking at other schools and other options - it will help clarify how you and your ds feel about his current school. If you find a good alternative, then you can make the move next September (or perhaps start of summer term if you're increasingly unhappy).

Another option would be to talk to the school about allowing him to come home on eg a Wednesday night - you could say for medical reasons! It might be just what he and you need to make the whole thing feel ok.

toughnut · 29/06/2013 11:32

basically, my advice is a warning: don't send your son to a boarding school aged 8 - it's far too young!

Other reasons are the following:

FOOD and DIET. School dinners are OK once a day, but do you really trust schools to feed your child really well 24/7? In my son's first year at school he would get into trouble (actually, he received punishments) for spending too long in the toilet. Basically, his body had to get used to a diet that was severely lacking in fresh fruit and vegetables. He was also expected to get energy from snack foods which he barely recognised as food at first - ie the cheapest varieties of biscuits - on a regular (2-3 times a day) basis. Apart this, he is a slow and fussy eater, so often doesn't eat enough. As a result, he is often cold and for well over a year suffered from a cough which everybody comments on but could do nothing to resolve.

READING. Before my son went to boarding school, he was an avid reader - and he still when I create appropriate conditions at home. However, at boarding school this habit is discouraged. He is now 'afraid' (!!!) to read - even on bright summer mornings when he wakes up early before 7. They are allocated something like 10 - 15 mins each evening for reading (which, you can imagine why, is always less). If you are caught reading at any other time, you risk having either your book or torch or both confiscated.

YOUR CHILD'S EDUCATION. Extensive research has shown just how important and effective parental involvement is. It is the single most important thing caregivers can do to help children succeed academically (Cummins, 1993; Hannon, 1996; Morrison and Cooney, 2002). Studies have proved how these experiences as a child set them apart academically from their peers by age 15 (Borgonovi, 2011). It is the ?genuine interest and active engagement? of the caregiver that is most important, and not their specialist knowledge. Is this clear? If not I'll tell you more...

My son, a boarder, almost never finishes his homework. This is because he is, like many children, a little slow to get started, always has quite a few questions to ask, and takes longer than most children. There is nobody at the boarding who ever notices or bothers to help although it is a well-known problem that he has. The educational results are quite as bad as you would imagine them to be: when my son started life as a chorister, he could have chosen which school/scholarship to take. Now he has no choice - currently, he wouldn't pass the CE for ANY reasonable private school. He is up the river without a paddle - we cannot afford private education without a scholarship. BEWARE! Unless your child is HIGHLY gifted academically and a VERY FAST worker - DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER THIS OPTION. The school may well be academic, but boarding will not do your child any favours whatsoever.

FREE-TIME IS SEVERELY LACKING. My son has little/no free time - to just relax and be a child.

They have a very busy schedule all week - until bed-time. On Saturdays: school, and sport, and rehearsals and service. On Sundays: usually two services and rehearsals. If he has spare time on the Sunday afternoon, he HAS TO go out on an expedition somewhere.

After the Christmas choir-time, he has about 5 free days, and then he has to start revising intensively for school exams in January. The Easter holidays are broken by 10 days of choir-time, as are the summer holidays. The summer half-term is spent revising for the summer school exams. Other holidays have to be arranged so that your child can continue to practise their musical instruments. At school they actually do not get enough time to practise - especially if they have 2 instruments - so it is up to parents to create conditions on their children's holidays to ensure they have time to make some headway.

Remember, if you are not rich and your child is not brilliant academically, a music scholarship with a bursary is the only thing that will save your child from going to the local comprehensive school - and only the local sink school has places available in Year 9.

COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS. Contact with parents is HEAVILY discouraged - even phone calls. You'll be lucky if you can have 5 mins in an evening on the phone - and this is never a conversation that is held in private.

YOUR SANITY. To be a good parent these days, you need also to work. When a child leaves the home at the age of 8 it is like suffering a death in the family. Remember - you will have to endure 5 years of mourning and grieving while you wait for your child to finish their duty. How will your mood effect your ability to function at all, let alone work?

YOUR ATTITUDE TO C of E. The pain of separation from your child will make you start to loathe church music and despise the league of ridiculously-dressed pompous priests that stroll around the cathedral preaching pointlessly the about things like the love of God, while doing their very best to spit (can't think of a better word at the moment) on the love that parents have for their children. In my experience, they do absolutely everything they can to keep you at arms lengths from your child. So, my advice is: DO NOT - for God's sake - LET THEM!

BULLYING. I think I mentioned before that I discovered after one whole year only. Staff did not notice! Even though they are good and very reasonable people. NOBODY can care for your child better than you can. NOBODY knows your child better than you.

In parentis loco: it is just not possible if there 50 boys around! Think! Use your common sense!!!! Don't try to suspend your disbelief as I did. Trust your instincts. They are right. Don't be fooled by the prestige or the name of the organisation.

bbboo · 29/06/2013 20:08

Wow! Why on earth is your child still at this school? you obviously hate everything about it , distrust it totally and believe your son is only getting negative things from it.
It is not the only way - my non-academic son is at a wonderful , full boarding prep. The food is good, the pastoral care is also good - the children are encouraged to play in their free time (no computers, mobiles,x-boxes but lots of trees to climb, dens to make, walls to climb etc). Reading for half an hour after lunch is compulsory. Any hint of bullying is swiftly dealt with (we have had to raise concerns which were sorted within hours).
Academically, my son has been challenged and stepped up his 'game' and he has improved amazingly in sport.
No,this is not a choral school - my point is , my son is not academic, has tried over several years to play musical instruments but failed miserably and is more of an enthusiastic sportsman than a great one.
He still managed to be awarded a bursary which meant we could afford to send him to a small, caring school and avoid the local sink school.Choir schools are NOT the only way.
if you hate it that much, take him out - neither of you can be getting much from this experience - it sounds like you are having a miserable time. I know you feel like you have no option, but surely a local school is better than this one? I am sorry you are living through this - it sounds like you are having a horrible time whilst trying to do the best for your DS - but is it worth it?

toughnut · 29/06/2013 23:25

My DS was introduced to computer gaming by his school. In Year 4, perhaps to avoid bullying, he spent hours and hours on his own in front of computers. There didn't seem to be anybody around who was as concerned as I was about it. There were no limits set whatsoever.

TomG1968 · 26/12/2017 20:39

My son has been offered a boarding scholarship for which we need to pay 1/3 of the fees. He is already very musical and very confident and is the youngest of 4. I am not keen on him boarding from 8 years old and the effect it will have on our very close family but my wife is keen for him to go even and for us to make sacrifies to pay for it. I’m not keen on the contract and it seems to me more like a job than a wonderful opportunity. Does anyone have any recent experience of this and if anyone sent their youngest and how it effected the other children?

petrova · 26/12/2017 22:05

TomG - this thread is very old ( 2013)
You may be better off starting a new thread asking these questions.

sendsummer · 26/12/2017 22:35

I have known many ex boarding choristers from the well known choirs. On the whole they are all very positive about their experience. However they usually are either devoted musicians often from musician families or very bright multitalented individuals (who coped fine with a full-on chorister schedule plus reached high levels in their instruments and still managed to play for school teams). When they are young though they do look perpetually tired.
It does affect family life of course, similarly to the demands of any very high level activity some talented DCs are involved in but also with the boarding. Whether it is worth it depends on your DS and whether all the positive opportunities including the potential fun of boarding will make a real difference to him.
If my DS was interested I would consider selecting a choir that only sung during term time as the benefits are the same as those who sing all year round. I would also investigate possibilities near enough home where boarding was not required even if it is only to test the water. Finally if it was boarding I would be questionning how much real involvement and contact parents can have with their DCs. Choir masters differ but some are purely interested in the chorister and not the child IYSWIM. That means they will only pay lip service to the needs of the child and the housemaster plus school therefore have to be capable of over-ruling the choirmaster when needed

These thoughts may be a bit late in the process for your family. Don't forget though, if your DS is very keen to try but it does n't work out you can always withdraw him.

zonified · 27/12/2017 00:17

I know part of this is a zombie thread but how very sad. I hope parents got their children back. Boarding at 8? No way.

TomG1968 · 27/12/2017 08:32

Thanks for the replies. He’s 6 now and won’t be going until he’s 8 so a while to think about it.