Boarding chorister

[lifelongtraveller]

Do you regret letting your child become a chorister and a boarder?

My son, aged 9, has become, practically-speaking, a prisoner at school. By the time he finishes 5 years of this he will not remember what normal family life is at all. He is free to leave for a few hours only on a Sunday afternoon - in winter it is soon too dark even to take the dog for a walk at theis time and the town closes down at about 5, so there is basically nowhere to hang out. Holidays are weird - short because of singing commitments - just an exercise in marking time till he leaves again. The year before he left, waiting for him to start this school, was like waiting for him to die. It felt as if we were doing everything for the last time, which we were.

Does anybody regret their child becoming a chorister boarder?

Hi, how sad for you - we actually were in the process of starting this, a few weeks ago, when we realised he just would be leaving him at the age of 8. He is 7 now - we liked the school OK and they were all very charming but someting didn't feel right.

We skipped the voice trial, he probably would have got in, they really liked him. But the boardning was non negotiable, obviously. It felt like sending him to work - however fun they made it.

It was seeing the clause on the application form saying 'I promise not to remove my child between the ages of 8 and 14 unless his voice breaks' that did it for me.

May I ask why you sent him, if you already knew you felt this way?

Can you invent an extreme circumstance to escape the clause?

Mainly, how does HE feel about it?

Sorry, leaving hOME, not leaving him

Gosh that sounds terrible. I'm considering choir school for my Ds. Our local school gives them Wednesday late afternoon off so you can meet for dinner. They come home Friday evenngs and go back Sunday mornings so you do have a good chunk of the weekend together. The school is 15 mins drive.

If the regime was as you've described I honestly wouldn't let him go and I'd seek other ways of nurturing his singing talent. You do get a fantastic musical education at choir school but the sacrifices your Ds is making at such a young age just seem too much, imho.

Mollie, just asking but have you checked what happens after the first year? Ours get Friday pm to Monday morning in the first year, then when they go into the '16' they only have one night. The next year is full boarding with no exeats at all.

Plus they have to do extra homework when they come home to make up for the singing time out at school...they miss a lot of work.

It just sounds so full on and they told us what a huge commitment it would be, and that he would need to be very organised.

It's a big ask at 8.

My daughter is a chorister but its local, and neither the boys (who are younger) or the girls board. Even so it is a huge commitment. I don't think I'd have let a son be a boarding chorister, although I would have liked my son to have done it if he'd seemed talented/interested, but only as a day boy.

There's no option to be a day boy where we are.

My son wants to come home desperately - more than he wants to sing. But staff and other mothers say that he seems to have settled well and is happy. My son's response is that he doesn't want to make THEM sad - he likes the teachers - they are, mostly, friendly and clever and funny. He is lonely, of course, even though he is in a large dorm. And there is no privacy or anywhere comfortable to go where it is quiet. Just computer games and TV in one room - noisy.

Jeez - I think your priority then must be to remove him.

Did you have to sign the clause thing or can you actually take him out when you like?

I hate the way they basically take your children from your control. You are all he has, please stand up for him, do whatever it takes.

He has no power in this situation and has told you what he wants - he is depending on you.

I was worried about the lack of privacy as well - where do they go when they need to be alone? There wasn't anywhere at ours. just the dorm or the TV room. You dont even get a private bedroom - it's 'fun' 24/7, but it's not natural.

Constance I'm going on what the prospectus says. It also says you don't have to board to begin with. We are going to an open day next term so I'll find out more then. Voice trial is March and they have to be 7 to audition. Ds will only be 6.7 then so if he is interested he will audition in March 2012.

He has said he wants to go to a school where he can sing every day but he will need to understand exactly what that means. The school place great emphasis on ensuring the choristers don't miss out on normal school life. I know a couple of people (friends of friends) who had boys who were choristers there and they said the boys were happy but as a family it takes over your life - eg singing in chapel Christmas Day. Not a problem for us as Ds is an only and I'm a single parent.

The schooling commitment is to stay until they are 13.5 which wouldn't be a problem.

As for your Ds OP I'd be surprised if the school insisted he stayed when he is so unhappy.

I've also looked at another local boarding school so from a boarding pov I know what I'm looking for. Having large dorms and no quiet place isn't acceptable IMO. The school I looked at had maximum of 6 to a large room. No idea what the set up is for the choir school.

I'm sorry but if he was my child I'd be picking him up now. DC1 and 2 both board at different schools and they love it. If I thought for one moment they were unhappy then that would be it, they would come home and we would sort something else out.
You really really need to sit down and talk to your son about what he wants. Good luck x

I'm sure I was told once (by parents of a music school child) that the boy choristers had to leave the school when their voices broke.

That seemed very harsh. Is that the case? I wouldn't want that for my child.

Yes, that's the case - though they intimated that they had a lot of boys go on to other 'very good schools' afterwards.

I think we would be stuck with the local comp tbh, we have no money and would have had to rely heavily on scholarship and bursaries ...another reason it wasn't ideal!

Hi, My son was a chorister at St Paul's Cathedral for two terms. As a probationer things weren't too bad but they have no life after that.

We then moved him to Dean Close where boarding is an option, but more importantly they do not sing at the weekends/Christmas day etc and family life is good. This does not impact the quality of the choir as for many years they have finalists in Young Chorister of the Year with a winner in 2009.

The other balance is the school which has proper grounds and facilities because it is not confined by its location.

My suggestion to those looking is to go for a university choir which has a timetable based on university terms (approx 8 weeks). Or to go for a scenario similar to Dean Close, although there are few schools that offer such a flexible timetable.

Interesting about booting them out when their voices break. So the school I'm looking at goes to 13.5 at least that is the commitment required. If ds's voice broke at 12 am I right in assuming he'd be asked to leave the school as well as the choir (and lose the associated choral scholarship)? I wonder how often that happens. I will add it to my growing list of questions.

Oh yes, deff ask re voice breaking and leaving school.

What happens if you break this 'clause'?

There is no way on earth I would let any clause stand in the way of me taking MY child out of any school in which they were desperately unhappy.

If a child's voice breaks they generally stay in the school until Year 9 but often they have to still attend all the choir practices but just don't perform.

At our current school we "may" (as it says in terms) be asked to pay back the bursary if we leave before the end of Year 8. I find that acceptable as it is a lot of money. The probationer year is not counted as it is a year for the school and the parent to decide if it is the right thing for the child.

If he wants to come home I'd be right there collecting him - DS was a chorister, but not a boarder, and that took over his life (and all our lives!) for the duration. But he still came home to his own bed and family every night.

Boarding at 9 isn't for everyone. There may be some children who settle to it easily, but if that's not happening, then I don't think it's right to continue.

If he's telling you that he's unhappy, and wants to come home more than he wants to sing, then it really doesn't matter what impression he's giving the people at the school - he's putting on a brave face, being a "team player" etc. What message doe it give him to make him continue? That his feelings don't matter, and the choir ad school are more important than e is.

I'd be pulling him out right away, and sod any clauses in the contract.

Go and get him now. What are they going to do to you if break"the clause"?

My brother was a boarding chorister. He's nearly 65 now and he's never really recovered.

Totally agree my son started a boarding choir school age 8 and now in his second year all the pressure is really mounting up and not much fun anymore for the boys. The idea is sold as to be an amazing musical education, but most of the time it is ONLY singing. The boys get given 30mins each morning to practise on their own and the instrumental teachers keep commenting on; 'do you ever read the notes' ...quite a lot to ask for a young child at 7am in the morning!Academic work also suffers, the prep session are not well tutored either and my son often performs to sub standard. We get to see him for one day each Saturday, but that day is full on catch up with home work, music theory and instrument practise with reading the comments. I would not do it again, unless living very close by, so that you can snatch every free minute the little boys get...

I think this sort of thing only works if the child absolutely loves and thrives on it.

The same with elite sport/acting or whatever...the child has to clambering to do it, otherwise what's the point?

DS is a non boarding chorister btw.

Finnishmummy,

I agree. Academic work is really suffering but even more worrying is that his instrumental progress has slowed down as he doesn't even get morning practices and has to fit it in where he can. That is the one downside of a boarding chorister when the rest are day choristers as they do not have a practice timetable in place.

Instrumental progress is so important for a chorister especially as their voices break and it is the instruments that carry them through the scholarship or bursary process.

But, in saying all that the current choir school he is at is definitely much better and more rounded than others.

Why are you leaving your boys at these schools?

How irritating when a poster asks for advice on a specific topic and some twit comes on just to do their self-righteous questioning.

If you don't want to impart any useful advice then go to the AIBU section where you'll be able to mock and deride others all day!