How can I help a little Inferiorette feel better about going back to school tomorrow?

[motherinferior]

DD1 had her first reception day today...and boy oh boy do I have my come-uppance from all my blithe assertions she'd be fine, more than ready, life and soul by the end of the day, etc etc etc. She has, I think, had some nice bits but she's also done a bit of crying - during the day as well as on her return - and she's informed me tonight through her tears that (a) the best bit was coming home (b) she wishes she didn't have to go tomorrow (c) she misses her sister.

I know, I know, I know this will pass. And that DD1 is never someone to leave the potential for tragedy unwrung out of any situation (er, yes, wonder where she gets that from?) and she's also tense and hungry, and has been poorly. I've tried my best to chill her out about it, and so has her father although he's actually away, so a phone call from him obviously doesn't give her the daddy-hug she could do with. I really do think DD1 is ready for school, and I also know it's better that she feels like this now rather than later. But what can I do to make her feel better about the whole thing?

Bribery.

have you asked her which bits she LIKED most about school? does she have a good friend/friends there?

remind her just how very proud you are that your GREAT BIG GROWN UP girl is doing so well at school, and that she will have fun seeing her friends and doing whatever her fave bits were.

Any specific forms of bribery?

oh your poor dd1 MI, no practical advice i'm afraid, but send her lots of hugs from ds. xxxxx. and i'm personally never above bribery so agree with frogs on that point.

Could you tell her about all he great parties she is going to be invited to or does she already have a full social diary? Be careful with that one actually. When he was in Reception, my ds2 invited a certain boy to his party in December and the mother came up and thanked me very effusively for inviting her son, as apparently she had told him there would be loads of parties but my invite was actually the first he had had .

i don't think that bribery is going to stop her feeling sad that she has to go tbh

you shouldn't have to bribe her to go to school... she has to realise that she HAS to go, even if she doesn't really want to

DS2 is like this in lots of situations and I use the "oh you've done so well that when you've finished you can have a..... " whatever is in at the moment. Currently he'd sell his soul for a lollipop.

Oh, something along the lines of, " Gosh you are a big girl, and you're doing so well. I expect you'll be tired and hungry after your busy day tomorrow, so you can choose what kind of biscuit/sweets/crisps you'd like me to bring when I pick you up. So if you feel sad during the day you can remember that and it will cheer you up."

Some new special treat that will make her feel like a big girl who gets privileges associated with going to school rather than a little girl who is being pushed out of her cosy nest while sister gets to stay home enjoying Mummy's (or childminder's) company. The promise of special TV watching privileges also works well in this house.

sorry to learn that your dd1 is having a tough time adjusting (and adjust she will, I just know it!) maybe some take a biscuit for her when you pick her up from school or let her pick from a bag of mini chocolate bars each day for the first week or until daddy gets back home.

My tack would be to emphasise how normal and understandable it is that she feels like this - and that it's OK to have sad bits at school as well as happy bits (but 'big up' the happy bits, Joyce Grenfell stylee). Ds1 was very like this and I told him that I had been just the same at school (I was) and that a lot of people were feeling the same as he was, even if some of them hid it better. Explain that everyone feels overwhelmed by school at first - make it funny, maybe use her teacher as an example "even Mrs X would have been a bit sad and wobbly sometimes at school...and look she ended up liking it so much she never left!"

Ds1 used to say he missed me a lot (no ds2 then) and I always used to say of course I missed him too but that he was in my heart, and I was in his - and so we were really never very far apart (soppy, but it seemed to help - he still mentions it now, aged 8).

Keep stressing that it will get easier, and she will get used to it - and soon she will enjoy it so much she'll be sad when it's the weekend.

It's such early days (I know you know this) and she will be fine (I know you know this too!) but some children do find it harder to adjust than others - and not always the ones you anticipate will find it hard.

Bless her, I hope she has a better day tomorrow and isn't too reluctant in the morning.

Oh - will just mention this. Apparently when I started school I was absolutely fine, cried a bit when Mum left, but settled in OK and was pretty happy when she came to pick me up. On the way home she asked how school had been and I replied, deadpan,

"Oh it was fine. But I won't be going again."

Oh MI I am sad to hear about that no real advice to offer as I will have the same experience on thursday when DS1 starts reception. I have been working on the assumption that he is going to find it really difficult so that I can be pleasantly suprised.

Sure it will get better, does she know other children there - perhaps not as she has been going to a childminder? If you do maybe you can invite them round for special playdates to reinforce the bond.

DD1 got to choose what she was having for lunch after her first day, and was allowed a grown up chocolate!

She was a little worried before she went, and kept saying that she would miss me. I told her that I'd miss her too, and that when school was finished, we could come home and watch Peppa Pig DVDs.

MI, nothing useful to say, but just thinking of you and DD1. Time, surely, for a stiff gin or three.
(You should have one too.)

I honestly believe, and my two would also say, that the very best thing about school is the social life it offers, so I second whoever suggested mentioning parties or at least playdates. Dd might well say that it's the only redeeming feature of school. Could you start inviting classmates round on your free days, or at the weekends? (Tedious, I know, but I still have to make myself do this - a lot - for dd. When I'm particularly challenged, I make sure it's a weekend invite.)

Also, among the many lovely books about starting in reception, this one, When an Elephant Comes to School has got to be my favourite - it's by Jan Ormerod and it's all about how an elephant feels about starting school and how you can help him settle in. He's quite a highly strung elephant and does his share of flouncing.

The other thing that helps dd (who has never liked school as much as ds did) is taking things in to show. I sometimes feel very sorry for her teachers who have to feign interest. Best to check first that they are allowed to take things in to 'show and tell' - it's probably only supposed to be on one day a week (we disregard this).

I hope she feels better about it tomorrow

Thank you very much for all the suggestions. TV, I'm ashamed to say, she already gets too much of; but chocolate could be a definite goer as could the Late Night Ice-cream treat she got today (mind you, her sister stuffed herself on it too, rather detracting from the 'special grownup treat' aspect of it all).

Playdates I suppose I could rise to. After all, I'm sort of hoping her school experience will produce some nice new friends for me.

Honestly MI,I am sure she will be absolutely fine!

It's you that needs to (in the immortal words of Terry from Brookside) 'Calm down'.

Don't show her that you are upset or worried, put on your best disney smile (!) and get her all excited about the great adventure that is school.

Have a large glass of something nice.X

Oh, MI, that's such a shame. Poor dd1. Erm, no bright ideas beyond those already suggested, except if you know what activities they are likely to do this week you could chat about them?

Oh, MI, sorry it was a curate's egg of a day. She will, of course, be fine. Beware of the bribery - I promised ds a treat when I came to pick him up and a year later, I am running, panic stricken to the shop for a lollipop just before pick-up time, knowing he will never forgive me if I forget. And he keeps upping the ante - now it's a drink, and if it's only one treat, he looks devastated, 'Is that the ONLY treat? Sob!'
When she makes a special friend (which will be v soon knowing her) she'll be absolutely fine, I'm sure. But of course she misses her sister - and that's a GOOD thing. Does she realise that, atm, you are picking her up earlier than before (if you are)? And if you aren't, could you get them both early for a little bit? But then again, there's always the dreaded precendent problem!
Also, remember she'll be absolutely KNACKERED, which always leads to increased tearfulness, no matter what they've been doing or feeling all day.

Oh what a pickle, that nearly made me cry when I read the misses her sister bit. wish I had some great suggestions. Poor you.

Ah,sorry to hear this MI.
You're right,she will settle in.
Mymother would always tell us 'Think of it as an adventure!' at the beginning of our long stints in boarding school.
Were older than your baby obviously,but it really did help me to feel brave and daring. Still works when I mutter it to myself at the age of 38......

XX

Oh bloody hell MI, I'm SO sorry about this - and when you're on your own, too.

I think that bits especially important, because as Unicorn says, you are probably suffereing as much as her.

It probably took the inferiorette by surprise, too, to feel a bit overwhelemed. It won't be quite so new tomorrow...can you talk her through the day before she goes in, to gie her a sense of the structure again?

I agree with the bribery tactic...time enough for getting into the daily routine of it, this is about a bit of extra jousz to see her through a daunting time - nothing wrong with that.

Why was she hungry? That's something that can be sorted, isn't it? What did her teacher say about it? Which times of day were most stressful for her?

Tomorrow she will have more of a sense about where in the day she is, and how long before she gets picked up. I think new timescales are v unsettling. But maybe 'after lunch its play, then some time in your classroom, and then I come' wil help her realise that it is a inite day. Maybe today she had no sense of how long she would be there.

So sad about missing the infantina. And sweet, bless her. I wonder if she was worrying, in a big sister sort of way, about whether the infantina was ok without her? Lots of re-assurance about how hppy the infantina was at CM??

Give her something special of yours to hold in her pocket as a secret message from Mummy? (er not the family heirloom jewellry, obviously).

E mail me and let me know how you get on?

And big hugs to the inferiorette. And you.

Oh God,I feel like weeping uncontrollably at the secret something from Mummy.
Mine used to do that.

MI - god, I'm saying all the same things as you -she's dying to go, ready for it etc.... she starts tomorrow gulp!

The one I'm worrying about is DD2 as she adores her sister I just know I'll have tears from her - how did the smaller inferiorette take it?

Message withdrawn

Not saying bribery is a bad thing....only that it can become a long term thing (which actually is OK really, but I'm deeply disorganized and it causes many a panic!). I think there's nothing wrong with a daily Sherbert Dip Dab (as part of a healthy balanced diet natch).

Think Blu's suggestion about talking through what happens next during the school day is most brilliant idea. Like a walk always seems longer if you don't know the way but much shorter when it is familiar. Do it with ds - you will play and then have lunch and then go in the garden, play and then I will pick you up with a treat! (all said in v enthusiastic tone).
But really, a lot of it will be down to sheer exhaustion. New situations are desperately tiring, whatever they are.