How can I help a little Inferiorette feel better about going back to school tomorrow?

[motherinferior]

DD1 had her first reception day today...and boy oh boy do I have my come-uppance from all my blithe assertions she'd be fine, more than ready, life and soul by the end of the day, etc etc etc. She has, I think, had some nice bits but she's also done a bit of crying - during the day as well as on her return - and she's informed me tonight through her tears that (a) the best bit was coming home (b) she wishes she didn't have to go tomorrow (c) she misses her sister.

I know, I know, I know this will pass. And that DD1 is never someone to leave the potential for tragedy unwrung out of any situation (er, yes, wonder where she gets that from?) and she's also tense and hungry, and has been poorly. I've tried my best to chill her out about it, and so has her father although he's actually away, so a phone call from him obviously doesn't give her the daddy-hug she could do with. I really do think DD1 is ready for school, and I also know it's better that she feels like this now rather than later. But what can I do to make her feel better about the whole thing?

[Issymum]

Hi Soapbox

When I was upset at saying goodbye to a sobbing DD1 this morning, I rationalised that 4 year olds live almost exclusively in the present, they have very limited self-control and their emotions are always at the surface. So DD1 cries because she is sad at leaving me, she is apprehensive about eating lunch at school and on balance she'd probably rather be at home, but she will also cry because she's sad that I refused to allow her an ice-cream or that DD2 got to turn the television off first when Cbeebies finished. The emotion is genuine, the tears are real, but crying is just not such a big thing for a 4 year old and the recovery can be startlingly swift. I think we should probably be more concerned about other and more unusual behaviours - withdrawl, uncharacteristic quietness, unusual toilet accidents etc.

Great rationalisation, but I still felt like hell as I waved her goodbye!

[soapbox]

Thanks

He seems bright enough this evening but very cuddly

He seems to be enjoying school and quite happily chats away about what he is doing.

We're going to follow the majority advice here and try not to put any pressure on him, just accepting that if he's sad he will cry.

The teacher said he settled much faster today, so hopefully that's a good sign!

I'll keep you posted with how things go.

And MI - many apologies again for the hijack - but I knew I would find some clever and kind posters on one of your threads

[Blu]

Oh Soapbox, poor you, poor DS...I think maybe it is time to let him just cry without pressure if he calms down and enjoys the rest of the day. That is MUCH better than being upset later in the dy, and not settling.

Poor little mite...

Anchovy, LOL at your DS's trousers!

[ScummyMummy]

So glad the inferiorette is ok now. Missed that she was having a tough time last week.

Soapbox- if it's any comfort Recep - Y1 has easily been the most difficult transition for both my sons but they did eventually settle. Hope you boy will too, as soon as maybe.

Issymum- hope dd gets the feel-good at school bug soon too.

[Bozza]

Sympathies Soapbox. My DH would be like that. I have to try and get in touch with him to see if he can pick the kids up tonight because I could do with making up for my 9.30 am start.

[Bozza]

DS cried on Friday because I collected him not the childminder. . I think this was because he had 3 days of the childminder (so a bit of routine), the childminder was there collecting another boy from his class thus adding to the confusion and by Friday afternoon he was very tired.

So I have been very careful saying who will collect and take him each day and when he will get to go to the childminder next. Told him on Sunday that I would take and collect him tomorrow but after two sleeps it would be the CM. Then got a phone call last night from CM's husband, her Mum is very poorly so can't have DS. DH away last night as well. DS took it quite well that it was going to be me this morning and that he was going home with his friend this afternoon. But I think he is less tired this week.

[soapbox]

Thanks LA and Marina
Dh who usually takes the DCs to school is getting very stressed about it!
We had a very terse phone call this morning after drop off when DH said with annoyance 'why do you think he's doing it', I replied ' erm - because he is sad', DH huffs and puffs in the background! I think he thinks DS is being ridiculous!

I can see that I might have to juggle around with my start to the day and take him in myself more often.
I think we'll have to go down the Marina route of just letting it be and accepting that he's sad and wants everybody in a 1 mile radius to know that!!!
It is crap though - makes me feel awful! (No way of doing emotions on a blackbury)!

[Marina]

Oh, soapbox , I am sorry to hear this.
At least the school are doing what they can to manage it.
I must admit ds (in year 2 now) has a classmate who has cried on arrival throughout reception and year one, causing the parents and the teaching and support staff much sorrow on the child's behalf.
Obviously I hope ds settles down for you, but you may have to take my friend's line and reach an agreement with your ds that it's OK to feel sad about saying goodbye, and cry too if he wants to, but that school is non-negotiable.
I'm not expressing it well but the other child was the same - able to explain the tears but not control them, and then fine for the rest of the day. Basically they gave up trying to stop the crying and just made sure reassurance and explanations and quiet sympathy were there. Ds occasionally mentioned matter-of-factly that X cries every morning for a few minutes on arrival but there was no class goggling or teasing, or fuss of any sort made.
The child doesn't cry in year 2, btw.

[Anchovy]

DS told me, fairly cheerfully, that his trousers didn't want to go to school this morning but that he would go without them. He has also given me lots of tips about how to kick a ball straight as (apparently) it is very important to do it properly, shown me how to do "dancing" and is inordinately proud of his library book and the bookmark with his name and a sticker. His comment book said that he had made an excellent start, had settled well, happy to play independently and was mixing with his peers (which DH is very proud of but I pointed out they were hardly going to write "Loser" in it!) So far so good for us, altho DS is a boy of deep and slow moving emotions and am not entirely sure we are out of the woods yet.

[littlerach]

Oh, sympathies, DD1 had been fine until Thursday evening when she said to DH that she was lonely at breaktimes. My bottom lip wobbled, neverming hers!!!

We have spoken to teacher, who has encouraged her to play, rather than hold the TA's hand.

I think the problem is that they play in the big playground and lots of the older girls have befriended the little ones. But DD1 is adamant that they can't be her friend as she doesn't know their names...so a viscous circel.

I arrived early yesterday and it had been her first time having lunch there. I was pleased to see her playing with some other children, and she had enyojed lunchtime, phew!

[soapbox]

My poor DS is getting worse and worse!
Its so bad now that the school have put an extra teaching assistant in the classroom so that there are two of them to prise him off of either DH or I!

I've trie bribery - small toy for one morning of no crying, big toy for 5 days and a trip to Eurodisney at half term if he is brave everyday.
I spent Sunday doing a very elaborate sticker chart so he could see how he was doing.

He just melts down into this 'I can'to do it its too hard not to cry'. He says that he I likes it the rest of the day and its just leaving us he deosn't like.

He knows DH and I aren't at home during the day so he knows he can't stay at home.

Sorry to hijack MI's thread but any advice would be greatfully received!!!

[Issymum]

DD1 managed the first week just fine but, as her headmistress predicted, Monday was much tougher. There were a few tears when our nanny dropped her off in class yesterday, although quickly resolved. This morning she had a total meltdown before getting into the car. I'm sure the fact that I was at home didn't help (I've got a vile cold and am working from home). She's managed to tell us that the thing she doesn't like about school is the lunch. It's not the food, it's just that there are 'too many people'. This makes perfect sense as DD1 hates being with large groups of children unless in a totally familiar setting - she's not even that keen on birthday parties! I didn't drop her off at school, as that would undoubtedly made it worse for her, but I did have to comfort and leave a sobbing child in the car. So, much empathy to MotherInferior. It is horrible. I came close to tears myself.

I'll go and pick her up this afternoon and have a chat to her teacher. Our nanny spoke to her this morning and they are going to ask one of the 'big girls' to befriend and sit with DD1 at lunch, which I hope will make it easier for her. Probably not immediately, but over the next few weeks.

[soapbox]

So glad to hear that DD was smiley today

My Y1 boy has turned into a wailing baby being left in the morning - have to do some retrievable cuddles I think

It is so distressing though Today DH took him in and he was awful

[Earlybird]

Motherinferior and others - glad to hear your little ones seem to be making the transition without too much trouble.

In order to get dd talking about her day, I find it effective to resort to lots of role playing with various dolls. DD is monsyllabic when I ask her about school, but is perfectly willing to talk about her day's activities when her toy bunny questions her favourite doll!

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[LIZS]

Left mine takign things out of the basket without a second glance. We had to wait outside the classroom, having packed ds off to his, so she had time for a bit of wobbly lip and fighting back of tears but in she went and found her peg, hung up blazer, parked her wellies. 3+ hours till pick up ...

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[Prufrock]

Oh MI - sorry I missed this, though as dd only starts pre-school on Monday I doubt I would have had any avice ayway. But v. glad inferiorette is hapier now. How is dd2 coping without big sis?

[Skate]

I'm going to try these questioning tactics later!!

[Marina]

Sound strategies Issymum and Anchovy
Will remember this the next time my jaunty requests for info are met with an eye-rolling "do I have to tell you?"

[Kaz33]

First morning - went in fine, left him drawing. Picking him in an hour, me wondered aimlessly round town and just had to go shopping !!

[aloha]

Ds says (in an exasperated voice), 'I played all day long. That's what you do at nursery school' - lunch is invariably pasta with sauce, but puddings vary!

[Anchovy]

Tee hee Issymum, DH used to do just the same with DS when he had taken the Omerta vow of silence at nursery school.

DH: "what did you do at nursery school today?" (nursery school being a cornucopia of entertaining delights)
DS: "Nothing. I just stood around"
DH: "Did you go down the slide with your pants on your head while playing with George W Bush"
DS: "Don't be silly Dad, I played in the little house with George and we filled each other's shoes with dirt"

[ghosty]

MI ... I am sorry you have had a crap time. I only just caught up with this thread so sorry for being a crap mate too
Glad that today was better!
I have no advice really bar the bribery thing. DS used to hang onto my leg when I left him at kindergarten so I used to bribe him with a treat on the way home (ice lolly from the shop ... milk shake at home .... that sort of thing).
The only thing that really fixed it was when I was out of action having DD and unable to drive for a few weeks and other people took him in (my dad, DH, friends). By the time I was up and at 'em again he was skipping in without a care in the world. I know DH isn't at home at the moment but is there anyone else your DD knows well who could maybe take her in for you a couple of times?

[Bozza]

Aah yes DD (only 15 months) has taken to wandering around with DS's book bag (briefcase shaped) worn as a shoulder bag. This morning she rather fetchingly teamed it with her shorty yellow pjs and a bottle of my Coolwater perfume in the other hand.