How can I help a little Inferiorette feel better about going back to school tomorrow?

[motherinferior]

DD1 had her first reception day today...and boy oh boy do I have my come-uppance from all my blithe assertions she'd be fine, more than ready, life and soul by the end of the day, etc etc etc. She has, I think, had some nice bits but she's also done a bit of crying - during the day as well as on her return - and she's informed me tonight through her tears that (a) the best bit was coming home (b) she wishes she didn't have to go tomorrow (c) she misses her sister.

I know, I know, I know this will pass. And that DD1 is never someone to leave the potential for tragedy unwrung out of any situation (er, yes, wonder where she gets that from?) and she's also tense and hungry, and has been poorly. I've tried my best to chill her out about it, and so has her father although he's actually away, so a phone call from him obviously doesn't give her the daddy-hug she could do with. I really do think DD1 is ready for school, and I also know it's better that she feels like this now rather than later. But what can I do to make her feel better about the whole thing?

[motherinferior]

Oh, thank you, everyone. Blu, she's particularly hungry because she's been ill over the weekend and indeed yesterday - and nerves, of course, don't help with that one. And I think she did get confused with the day and didn't know whether I'd be picking her up or she had to save her lunchtime flapjack for after school club (she didn't - I'm picking her up every evening for the next couple of weeks - and indeed she ate it, bless her). I know tiredness is a bit part of it. And I'll think of something for her to have 'from me' tomorrow.

[Issymum]

I'm so sorry MI. How horrible for you and the Inferiorette. I'm fairly confident that all of your conclusions about the Inf are correct: she is more than ready for school and she will be the life and soul of the party. It may just take her a little time to adjust.

On the practical front, any chance of persuading her to eat a larger, more protein-rich breakfast or packing a substantial mid-morning snack? Hunger can cause big mood-swings in a four year old. We also told big lies about the time this evening and put DD1 to bed half an hour earlier.

[Caligula]

Have you got a small photo of her sister? Could you make it her special school photo of her, that she's only allowed to have in school, to look at at playtime when she misses her?

And don't be afraid to talk to her teacher - let her know how much she's missing home, so that she can keep an eye on her - there are always about five or six of the new ones who need a bit more attention than the others. (You will of course feel like the neurotic/ pushy mother from hell when you talk to her, but don't worry - you will always feel like that, irrespective of how unobtrusive you are throughout the whole of her school career. It goes with the territory.)

[cod]

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[katierocket]

oh MI what a shame, bless her. I have the same situation as aloha though i.e. dash to the shops to get small treat at pick up time becuase "you always bring me something mummy".

Can I just say how much I like moo's (as a child) response to first day at school, excellent.

hope it goes better tomorrow MI.

[motherinferior]

You're right on breakfast, Issymum; I'm sure part of today's problem was that she didn't get the breakfast I've been planning/suggesting for her, but the jam on toast her dad gave them both. Tomorrow is cheese on toast. And a fruit smoothie. Resolved this a while back, must stick to it.

[cod]

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[motherinferior]

And no, Cod, I can't bin after school club. She's not going yet, but she is going next month for four days. I can't get enough work done if I stop at 3.15.

[cod]

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[motherinferior]

What grandma? We don't have that kind of family backup. She is in fact used to a pretty long day - from around 8.30 to 5.15 at her childminder. If I didn't work from home, it would be longer.

[cod]

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[motherinferior]

No, sorry I snapped, am feeling guilty about that one too

[dinosaur]

Ooh, sorry it didn't go so well. Totally agree with whoever said that lots of talking it through/talking about what to expect at each part of the day is excellent. And acknowledging the feelings - I didn't do enough of this with DS1 - it was only about 18 months after he'd started that we helped him put a label on how he felt - he'd felt shy. And we just didn't realise. So lots of talking about it does help them put a label on their feelings, and then you get lots of "So you know how it feels, Mummy."

Will be thinking of her and you tomorrow.

xx

[Blu]

Aloha - I x-posted with you (my slow typing) and your post has indeed reminded me that I am in the same treat-trap-tyranny as you!
I think emphasisng the one-off / temporary status of the treat might help, and bit of clear planning for treat fading out.

But MI will supply organic fairtrade choc treat, and that IS a balanced diet.

More flapjacks, perhaps? So she fels equipped to deal with anything?

[dinosaur]

Cod is right in that they do get incredibly tired at first, but this does pass. As exemplified by DS1, still bouncing off the satellites at 9 p.m. most nights now!

[soapbox]

My DS has just gone into Y1 and I thought we had passed all this stage last year!

It is possibly even more heart wrenching this year as he is old enough to fight back the tears and watching him blink back tears is achingly sad for me worse in a way than seeing him blub!

My little tip is to sit them down and tell them to close their eyes and concentrate really hard. Then bend down and put your arms gently around them and slowly - really slowly - hug them tight.

Then tell them to close their eyes again and talk them through what you did, then get them to talk through what you did and finally get them to close their eyes and talk through your hug in their head.

I told them that every time they were sad, they now had one of Mummy's bestest ever hugs ready to use, right in their own head. All they had to do was close their eyes and concentrate and Mummy would be right there giving them a big hug! It does seem to work- but needs reinforcing a lot - I would go through the process every night and morning for the first week and then every night and then maybe every week!

Its so sad that she misses you - but nice sad in a way And missing her sister - bless

As everyone says she won't be in this sad place for ever - she's just enjoying a last tug or two of the apron strings

[aloha]

Absolutely - chocolate is The Staff of Life. And one of the basic food groups. Also v cheering. I'm all for it

[morningpaper]

Gosh I'm a couple of years off this but when my dd is having a "challenging week" e.g. if Daddy is away for a couple of nights, then I've found that it REALLY helps her if we make a 'calendar' for the week on a large bit of paper. We write the name of each day, draw pictures or a few simple words for what is happening, include 'little' exciting things like having sausages for dinner on Friday or wearing her favourite pants on Thursday... so she's got little targets to look forward to ... then at the end of each day she crosses off the day. She can then count 'how many days until the weekend' or 'how many days until Daddy comes home'. It seems to help her get a bit of perspective on the issues of time and events, which otherwise are rather overwhelming for her. I don't know if this is any use, but I thought I'd suggest it anyway. Good luck! xx

[TinyGang]

Poor little girl and you too because it's so horrible to worry. Your thread made me remember another thread like this from a few months ago, here Gorgeousgirls post is really nice on this subject. Hope it gets better.

[Heathcliffscathy]

MI, you poor thing....i dont' have any wise words, except to reiterate that being sad is as ok as being happy about something new....hope tomorrow goes much better....xxx

[frogs]

I was probably being inappropriately flippant earlier. Sorry.

It is an incredibly long day for them at first -- my older two had both been used to full 10-hr days at day nursery (8am-6pm) and were still beyond shattered after a 6-hr day at school. The rhythm and intensity of school days are completely different to childcare, and much less attuned to children's individual needs. FWIW and IMO (do shoot me if you feel the need) after-school clubs are quite a tough option for infant-aged children, as it prolongs the intensity of school. Any chance of a childminder doing an after-school pickup so your dd can veg out on the sofa with a couple of jammy dodgers and a vid rather than being in a more high-octane group environment?

The tiredness will pass, but it may take a while. V. early bedtimes may be needed (ds's record in Reception was 4.30pm, and he still slept through till 6.30am). Bunging a carbohydrate-laden snack at them as soon as they come out of the classroom helps too. Aloha is right, it can escalate a bit, but it seemed the lesser of two evils to me. And bribery/rewards, but more in the form of additional privileges to help her see the advantages of being a Big Girl. My ds at one stage liked to help me make his packed lunch so that he knew what was going to be in it -- one less uncertainty, I suppose. And then I'd slip in an extra treat as well.

[tamum]

MI, I asked dd for her advice. She immediately said "oh, that's exactly like me!". Her advice, FWIW, was that your dd should find a likely friend and ask her whether she is feeling a bit sad and worried too. This will start them talking to each other and make them both feel better and then they will be friends. I am not sure it's quite so simple, but I do think making a friend is a really key thing. Could you suggest some opening lines, like "do you like school?" to her? I do think having a potential friend back to play could be good too.

Ds's advice was tell a teacher how you feel when you are sad but do not say "I don't like school". So there you go, useful, eh?

[Heathcliffscathy]

oh tamum your dd sounds lovely....

[tamum]

Thank you sophable It is exactly what she tried herself, apparently, which brings tears to my eyes even though it worked!