Indigo, I used to think like you, and did so, for many years. I had a very hard time getting my head around something that challenged much of what I fundamentally believed in.
it's impossible to articulate what behavioural principles really are about in the context of an internet discussion but I will try and address a few points.
I agree, kids need for example to know why it is important to stand in line. They don't necessarily need stickers handed out willy nilly. Within a verbal community, it is usually not too difficult to use language to communicate this fact.
Now say you have an autistic child who really sees no reason why he should sit down or wait in a line. His verbal understanding is virtually non existent so what are we to do? Force him? Leave him to do his own thing (maybe twirling and retreating or falling to the ground every time you ask him to stand in line?)For achild like that, learning this life skill may only be posssible through judicious use of reinforcement.
He might like tickles so you may initially get him to wait for say, two minutes, then give him tickles. Over time ,he will associate standing in line with a really nice thing and in his own way, relax and think 'Ok, i get this system. I do what they want and they do what I want.'
Over time you 'thin the schedule' which means you stretch the waiting in line time more sandm ore and offer less and less of the reinforcement. By this time, the child haslearnt that standing in line is no bad thing and often leads to other interesting stuff-out to play, lunchtime or so on.
Can you see how invaluable this is and how it can transform people's lives (it really can, I have seen it for myself).
What is sad is that people who don't like the sound of using a 'reward system' will (unconsciously) have no such qualms abut using punishment-shouting, sarcasm, rudeness, impatience and so on.
It is endemic even amongst those who truly beleive they aren';t doing it. I know-Ispend many hours taking data on this stuff.
Alfie Kohn (I have read alot of his stuff) really gives an incomplete picture of Behaviourism which is really bad news, particularly as he had the privilege of meeting and interviewing Skiiner (Godfather of Behaviourism).
Skinner was a wonderful compassionate manwhose dream was to use this science to make the world ahappier better place in which coercion had no part.
A great read to counter Alfie is his 'Beyond Freedom and Dignity' which I have just finished.