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Original poster

How do you deal with school events that you are invited to?

31 replies

OrmRenewed · 16/07/2010 11:13

Do you always go?
Both parents?
Or do you get someone else to go just so there's a friendly face in the audience?

So far this month we have had:

DD's concert (GPs went and had to do an emergency dash to pick up DD's uke so sat and watched her bit)
DD's sports day. no-one went to that - she didn't care TBH.
DD's CAT tests at her secondary school - had to drop her and pick her up.

Next week we have:

DS#2's sports day
DS#2's play
DD's leavers assembly
DD's play
DS#1's acheivement assembly.
Inset day last day of term

I've booked 2 weeks leave in the school holidays and will need an extra ad-hoc day when we move house. Every year it's so hard to manage everything. I have taken leave for DD's last day and the inset day but the rest of it is all wing and a prayer stuff - DH trying to get there for a bit, GPs trying to get there if they can.

Do you attend everything yourself? Does it matter?

OP posts:
toccatanfudge · 16/07/2010 11:24

I'm on my own with my DS's, and not currently working so I don't have the work/holiday issue.

I do try and make as many things as possible.

exH rarely (if ever) wants to go/turns up to anything so it's kind of down to me.

DS1 and 2 (DS3 not yet at school) know that I can't always make it due to either babysitters or DS3 just being a PITA.

If can't make something there is usually a look of disappointment on their face, but I do try to ensure I make the next thing. If they're not involved with something directly then I sometimes explain that I'm not going to go (as I need to save my babysitter!).

I have no family close to go instead of me, although on a few occasions my BF has said she'll go for my DS's as well as her own children, and they've been ok with that.

I do think it's important to go to this stuff or at least have someone close to the child involved there watching. My parents never did and I hated being one of the only, and sometimes the only, child who didn't have "someone" close to me watching.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 16/07/2010 11:26

"My parents never did and I hated being one of the only, and sometimes the only, child who didn't have "someone" close to me watching"

That's what worries me.

OP posts:
nowwearefour · 16/07/2010 11:33

we try to combine it with working from home - me if it is a day i am working, dh if it is a aday i am not working. so we make up the hours into the evening and work the rest of the day as normal, just from home so we get to attend the event. sometimes it has to be a gp - this is for what i class as b-category events. i couldnt let dd's be the only ones without someone tehre as they woudl mind. surely if the dc doesnt mind though it is ok? you can only do your best when it comes down to it. is there any way of workign flexibly to allow you to do this stuff and not take leave?

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 16/07/2010 11:36

Yes. I can work later and take an hour or so out but work is manically busy atm and I feel guilty. DH works at the special school attached to DS#1's school so he can pop over for ten mins or so.

OP posts:
Fennel · 16/07/2010 11:36

3 children, 2 jobs (both flexible jobs but we do have to do SOME work at SOME point which is hard at this time of year).

I consider it good going if one of us gets to something. We never aim for both unless it's an evening performance. 2 in the daytime is just overkill IMO. one parent is plenty.

Sometimes neither of us can go but the dds are used to that, 2 of them don't mind, the 3rd is in a class with billions of super-involved parents and loads of keen local grandparents (grrr) so if neither of us turns up it's more of a big deal. so I make more effort for dd3's events because of the parental pressure there.

the times it has mattered have been when I haven't explained clearly beforehand that neither of us could go that day and we're sorry. Once or twice I've just hoped they wouldn't notice... those are the times they've minded. Being upfront and apologising and emphasising how we'd have liked to be there seem to make up for not going, at least to some extent.

toccatanfudge · 16/07/2010 11:50

Orm - it was the "someone" that mattered to me, if one of our close family friends (that were as close as family) had come to watch me, or my grandparents, or an aunty, cousin, anyone, just someone that had turned up for me I would have been ok.

And for me it wasn't a handful of stuff that was like that, it was I'd say about 75% of school stuff that I was involved in throughout my entire school life where I had absolutely no-one there for me

Agree with fennel about explaining before hand and emphasising how you would love to be there is better than not turning up. DS1 still hasn't quite forgiven me for not turning up to his Yr sports day (although in my defence I did turn up, but I slept in as I'd worked a night shift the night before, and he was in the first race of the afternoon and I arrive din time for race 3...........)

Fennel · 16/07/2010 11:54

The worst time, by far, was last year when I had actually gone early to 5yo dd3's assembly, but had to talk to dd1's teacher too. and I got delayed, was 2 mins late to the assembly. And dd3's "line" had already been said. She noticed that I came in late, and she cried. Very visibly. Right through the assembly, on her teacher's lap. After the assembly in the classroom, and then in the playground. And then for 2 days at home, and on and off for a while.

And that was a day I had actually gone, but still managed to miss the crucial moment.

She has another assembly 3pm this afternoon. I will set off around lunchtime....

toccatanfudge · 16/07/2010 11:56

I should add that DS1's sports day that I was, like fennel, just a couple of minutes late to watch him was 4yrs ago - and he still remembers

nowwearefour · 16/07/2010 14:22

i would think if your dh can be there then that is good enough?

Acanthus · 16/07/2010 14:28

We make sure that one of us is there and if we can't manage it then we rope in the grandparents (who live a fair distance away). VERY rarely are both of us there - in fact only for final year events held in the evening and for the leavers' assembly which will be held at 9.15 so easier than many times to manage. I think we have missed one event so far, which wasn't a massive one and we explained in advance.

ArcticRoll · 16/07/2010 14:32

When we were both working full time sometimes we missed assemblies.
Now either I will attend or dh attends but not both of us.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 16/07/2010 14:42

Early morning things are hard for the GPs as the traffic coming into town at that time is horrendous.

But we'll manage somehow. It's just this time of year really. The rest of the year is one or two things spread over a term.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 16/07/2010 14:46

I am at home mostly so try to go to everything but I have missed some and they were OK as i go to as much as I can and explain when/why I can't. DH comes when he is off work (he works shifts) and we often go together if possible or sometimes he goes on his own. Also sometimes my parents have been. It is a shame for the kids who never have anyone there I often hear them say 'wheres my mummy miss?' but they seem to be over it pretty quick and enjoy the assembly/day anyhow.

duplotogo · 16/07/2010 14:54

My parents never came to school events in the day as they were both teachers. I understood they were working and didn't mind, neither did my sister. They did come to the evening events where possible, though.

TigerFeet · 16/07/2010 15:07

I returned to work five weeks ago after ML - so far I have already had to take 2 half days to attend stuff at dd1's school. She would mind if no-one went and dh couldn't attend one thing (sports day) and wasn't interested in the other (family picnic)

It is a pita as I have so few annual leave days and so many school holidays to cover. There isn't really anyone else who can attend, GP's come during the holidays to look after dd1 but they aren't close enough to come for an afternoon.

DD1 wouldn't mind who turned up as long as someone did, but due to circs it's generally just me that goes. DH makes anything that can be done in an extended lunch break or in the evening so we'll attend those as a family but all afternoon stuff is usually just me.

That reminds me, I'll have to make sure I have half a day's leave left to cover the carol service in December

toccatanfudge · 16/07/2010 15:09

duplo - did anyone else every come to watch you during the day?

duplotogo · 16/07/2010 15:12

No, toccatanfudge.

It's funny now, DH wants me to come and watch him play football or whatever sometimes and I think, won't that be embarrassing for you though or put you under pressure? I found reading at an assembly with no parents there much easier than performing in a school play the night I knew they were in the audience!

toccatanfudge · 16/07/2010 15:27

still - I suppose yours came to evening events............mind rarely (if ever) did.

I personally hated standing up to read/do something - casting my eyes across the hall, seeing faces that I didn't know, all trained onto my peers faces.......and no-one that I knew.

gillybean2 · 16/07/2010 15:30

I always go whenever possible, and to as much as possible. As a single parent it always falls to me to go. I also help out with swimming, xmas parties, school fetes etc

This is mosty why I only work 4 days a week. I am 'lucky' that my boss will let me swap my day off to whichever day I need to take off. And at this time of year (as well as Xmas) I tend to need 2 or 3 days some weeks and work extra days at quieter times of the school year to make up my hours. Of course the downside is that I earn less money and go without a lot as a result.

My ds gets pretty upset if I can't go to things. Very occassionally I used to ask my mother to go if it was simply a church service and he wasn't reading, or something not class specific and I absolutely simply had to be at work.
However, she didn't turn up to an open afternoon one time, and didn't bother to phone me and say she couldn't make it after all, even though she knew in the morning. He was the only child who didn't have someone there. Since then I don't rely on her and attend everything myself.

Last week of school next week and am only working 2 days so I can attend leavers service etc.

Am looking forward to secondary school in some ways as I'm assuming there will be less stuff in the day time and most stuff (consultations, plays etc) will be in the evening. I may be able to up my hours, or even ask to work term time only and take all the holidays off intead which will save on childcare costs.

I remember my parents telling me that the teachers had commented I didn't take part in extra clubs at a parent's evening. (Mostly because I couldn't stay later after school). So I joined the lunchtime choir. I came home with a letter for my first performance, an evening show, all excited and thinking all my family (parents, sisters, maybe even grandma) would want to come. I watched in horror as my parents argued with each other about which of them would have to go. My dad pulled the short straw because he liked classical music as my mother pointed out...

marialuisa · 16/07/2010 15:32

Only 1 DD and school relatively good at putting stuff on at weekends/evenings when possible. We always have 1 person there for events in the working day and I occasionally put my foot down and force DH to come to evening/weekend stuff.

DD is 9 and it does really matter to her that someone is there. Last year DH had sports day duty as I was overseas for the day and as we were new to the school didn't realise that it's followed by a family picnic. He dashed off after her final race (31/95) and she was distraught in the evening. For several weeks before this year's event i was subjected to regular reminders taht I had to stay for the picnic....

forehead · 17/07/2010 13:45

I would encourage parents or close family/friends to go to these events, as the children do miss out. My parents didn't come to any of my school events (both of them had demanding jobs) Even now, i still remember how upsetting it was to not see my 'someone'
in the audience. This is why i always ensure that either myself, dh or close friends attend events which my dc's have at school.

bigTillyMint · 17/07/2010 13:49

We try to go to as much as possible, either just one of us (usually me if it's during the day as I work p/t and can get time out) or both.

I know it is very difficult for some parents, including some of the DC's friends - I always try to watch them as well as my own, smile and wave

I think the children generally understand that you can't always go to everything and appreciate it when you can get there.

MollieO · 17/07/2010 14:06

I have one dc but he only has one involved parent (me). I book days off and half days off to attend the myriad of school stuff. I reckon it adds up to over a week of annual leave each year. I wish I had someone to share the load. I've only missed one thing and that was his singing in assembley. He only told me the night before (he wanted it to be a surprise) but obviously didn't realise that was insufficient notice for me to get time off from work. He was very sad.

SE13Mummy · 17/07/2010 21:59

My DH and I do our best to make sure that at least one of us is at DD's things but as we're both teachers it isn't always possible. Luckily DD has now moved to 'my' school so although I may have to take 30 children along with me I will be there for most things. DH will be working 4 days per week in September and will have Fridays off specifically because assemblies etc. are on Fridays.

As a child my parents tried to make sure one or the other was at our special events but as my youngest brother had SN Mum usually arranged to bring him along to dress rehearsals so there wasn't always someone in the audience for me in the evenings.

I go to lots of the school's evening/weekend events/performances etc. that I'm not even slightly involved in so that I'm there to watch the children whose parents haven't made it - I've been to Y7 tea parties (am a primary teacher), choir performances, netball matches, extra study skills 'graduations' (at Charlton Athletic) and all sorts of things. Going to watch as a teacher won't make up for a parent/someone special outside of school being there but, for some of the children I've taught, what matters is that someone is there for them.

clemetteattlee · 17/07/2010 22:09

DD is just finishing reception. We have been to her school play and her sports day because the class teacher gave us the heads up that ALL the parents tend to go. We haven't "helped" on the school trips/been into school to help etc etc. We both work full-time and DD didn't mind those because she wasn't the ONLY one without a parent there.
To be honest this is one of the reasons why I have made a huge effort to get to know the school mums - to work out what I NEED to go to!