Support thread 16 for parents and carers of young people with an eating disorder

[Mummyoflittledragon]

The old thread is almost full. I hope no one minds me starting a new one…

That makes sense and is really kind and wise of you @Girliefriendlikespuppies . I don't think I have the capacity to be spoken to like that, whatever the reason, I don't have the generosity of spirit and when it comes to it, I'm not someone who can offer someone else that degree of love or care.

I don't try and get DC to eat in any the sense of encouraging or trying to overcome resistance. I do bring things I am asked to though, which is what I was doing.

@unbuckle
I agree with @Girliefriendlikespuppies wrt to eating. When dd was really ill, she was vile for 6 months straight, regularly wishing me dead and hated on me constantly, I said nothing, regardless of whether or not it was food related. My response to her was stuff like ‘it’s ok, I love you and I have enough love for us both.’

As dd improved, when talking about non food related stuff, I could start to say to her stuff like, ‘that’s not cool’. But only when she was not in relapse. Otherwise very much ignore. And when not in relapse, I could start to give basic consequences, such as not doing anything for her for the rest of the day unless she apologised. Eg giving lifts or helping her with her washing.

Now, she’s at a stage, where I can pull her up if she’s not nice when I talk about eating. So I can do that kind of double take, disbelief face and say ‘excuse me’ and say something about that. So this weekend dd was home and today I was trying to get her to agree for me to sort her lunch before I dropped her off and she started shouting at me, she has been feeding herself, I’m treating her like a child and she was going and getting the train. I said that’s fine, if she wants to do that, but I wouldn’t be paying (we are paying her travel to encourage her to come home when she wants). Then paused and said I would be asking the same thing if it was dh. And did she want me to drop her at the train station or at halls. She said at halls. And I replied please. She then repeated
please. She didn’t allow me to sort lunch, but I can talk food more and more. And all this nudging to eat earlier in the day will hopefully eventually go in.

@unbuckle
I don’t think I could do what I do or have done without a massive amount of help and emotional support and therapy. I think you have done what you have been able to do. And I can see you have a great deal of love for your dc.

I can't give consequences to an adult, I'm not really thinking of that. I have other kids. They hate the way I am treated. Obviously I do too, but its the harm to my kids that weighs on me.

@Tops16 it sounds like you've got good reason to be hopeful. I hope she continues to take those small steps in the right direction.

Things also sound hopeful for you @LurkyLurkyLou It's great that she can take on board the suggestions of reducing exercise and upping the snacks. It must be so hard when exercise helps their mental health but can also make the ed worse.

Hope the meeting goes well this week @sum12luv and he's done enough to be able to stay home if you feel that's best for him.

@unbuckle I'm similar to girliefriend and tend to ignore outbursts when she's distressed - usually when she's gained weight. Easy to say when I'm only 7 months into this though.

Things are pretty quiet here. DD spending quite a bit of time with me which is lovely. We have our fortnightly CAMHs appointment this week and I don't know if they plan to weigh her. She won't agree to it anyway I imagine. I haven't raised it with her because I'm worried she won't even get in the car if she thinks being weighed is on the cards and she really needs the obs done and upper arm measurement at least. I feel like we're flying blind a bit at the moment. She continues to eat the same at home (which is not quite the full meal plan) and won't really discuss anything to do with her feelings or the ed. I'm scared to rock the boat when we are finally seeing a bit of consistent restoration but also conscious that we can't just act like all is perfectly fine when she's still a long way from recovery.

@Weightlossworried
Your dd is making progress overall, not just weight restoration. She’s spending time connecting with you. And this is a lovely update.

It’s ok to ignore discussions around feelings if your dd isn’t ready. As for eating discussions, that just gets dripped in as and when you can. And there will be big reactions, so it’s ok to take a pause and celebrate the closeness with your dd, because that also very much helps with the eating overall.

@unbuckle
I appreciate your dc is older. My dd is also an adult now albeit young, so I can’t give consequences as such either. By consequences I mean natural, dropping the rope or saying ok you do you, eg I’m not supporting that, it’s not what we agreed, you pay, etc. Like when dd booked a holiday over the summer and expected us to cough up and we said no.

I imagine you’re wondering what your (possibly younger?) dc are thinking when they see you being treated badly. In that case, I think you’re right to be saying it’s not an acceptable way to talk to you, that’s really not cool etc.

It’s a balancing act for sure. And I imagine my dd’s friends used to wonder why I didn’t react to her behaviour. In fact, one of dd’s friends witnessed what was quite a mild reaction from her one morning before school when he was giving her a lift. They left and she reappeared a minute later to apologise. He obviously said something… Idk if your other dc ever say anything.

My dc is only slightly older than yours @Mummyoflittledragon and a bit more than @Weightlossworried but was an adult on diagnosis so that does make quite a difference to what you are advised. Adult services is very much trust and independence and absolutely not meal supervision. My kids are all close in age, they rarely dare say anything to dc necause they also do not want to be screamed at or feel responsible for the consequences!

I guess though I am also in quite a different place from many anorexia mum's, I can't imagine finding it lovely my dc wants to spend time with me or be close, that's just not me at all. I often think i am not the right person for this, I am practical, determined, resilient, hardworking, but feelings, overwhelm, conflict, it's not for me. I think that's why I find forums and sessions often make me feel worse, they are describing a relationship and reality I don't recognise.

It has been nice to hear of the ups and downs, esp the ups though xx

I'm sorry @unbuckle

If it helps I can definitely relate to feeling like I'm not the right person to deal with this. I absolutely hate conflict and often wonder whether she'd be recovering better and quicker if I was a different kind of parent. One who could force her to complete every meal and snack for example.

My eldest has withdrawn from my daughter lately. She says she just can't deal with the moodiness and spiky comments. It's fair enough but sad to see, they were spending lots of time together a few months back and it really helped my daughter but ultimately my eldest is not her little sister's therapist or punch bag.

I also don't feel I'm the right person to do this sometimes. Perhaps if I was firmer the fear food list would be shorter, if I didn't sit patiently she'd eat quicker, if we were firmer on exercise we'd not be winding it back now.
And DD is nearly 18 so we're already trying to balance supervising and independence. It's interesting to hear the approach is so different with only a small difference in age @unbuckle
All we can do is our best I guess

I also don’t think I’m the right person and I blame myself for a lot of the issues as I was in denial and didn’t want to seek help quick enough and didn’t realise the severity of it as I’ve always been overweight and was fearful my daughter would be too. Full transparency!

I doubt any of us think we're the right person to be doing this, I know I don't! But in reality, we just have to get on with it - who else is there? (I get the impression most of the dads are much less involved, certainly the case with our family). I love my DD dearly but I have to admit to feeling a little bit smothered by the extent of her support needs for the last few years. I've completely lost myself in all of it, and being off work for the last year has made that worse.

It's really harsh to blame yourself @Pearl97 , none of us are perfect parents but I'm quite certain you were doing your best in the circumstances, and that all of us here are continuing to do that. We're all continually seeking information and support for them, but especially with the ones who are adults or almost adults, there's a limit to what we can do.

My DD is really hard on herself, she's always castigating herself for not managing what she thinks she should have done/achieved. I keep telling her she's achieving a huge amount because she has huge obstacles to overcome that other kids don't necessarily have, and that she should give herself some grace. I suspect as parents we probably need that advice too!

I definitely think we should give ourselves grace but it's so hard to do. I think it's one of the downsides of family based treatment when they're under 18. The responsibility is on you to 'treat' them and therefore you feel the blame when they're not getting better. Every CAMHs appointment feels like an assessment of my parenting that I'm failing badly!

I totally relate to what you posted @Pearl97 We hear so much about childhood obesity, the dangers of upfs etc. Me and DH are both overweight. I absolutely didn't see the warning signs when DD first started restricting. It's like you're looking the other way, worrying about the wrong thing and then anorexia sneaks in the back door.

Hello all. Ive not posted for a while but have been following the chat and pleased to see some improvements shared here lately.
@unbuckle I see in your messages that you are caring and loving. I think we all feel defeated at times. I hope today is a bit better. And @Pearl97 you strick me as being so wise too. Hindsight is perfect... I think i came in too strong at the start. I felt pressure to fix it quickly as that's the message i was getting from reading up. @StressedANmum yes agree! Given everything, i feel proud of what DD has done so far. And I really value small things like sharing jokes about a TV show now.

For us, rudeness is not just around food. I now (try to) view it as DD expressing feeling bad rather than something to take offensive off and something to stop. It's a symptom not the problem. She's 18 - she learned right from wrong a long time ago.
I follow the emotions lab - the way they talk about helping a child calm is useful - co-regulation. Her adult ED ttherapist also helped her with controling her emotions.

I wonder if what we are feeling is that we are being asked to do something which no one should be asked to do. It sounds like whatever we did we think it was wrong. And perhaps we've been failed, rather than failing ourselves x

@unbuckle
I think you are right about doing something, which no one should be asked to do. It’s not the order of things. Not how it should be.

I am a fixer. I naturally push things and like to know absolutes. These personality traits are not good to help someone ND to recover. And definitely not conducive to allowing someone to recover without my involvement. The coach had to explain to me that I was making things worse and I was devastated. As for how I am with my dd now, the coach told me to be gentle and loving and I kind of copied my friend and channelled her. Fake it until you can make it so to speak.

And like @Pearl97 and @Weightlossworried, I am also overweight, as is dh to a lesser extent. I stress eat and this has been a tough year. My primary concern was that dd would be an overweight adult. She was never slim at primary and I also didn’t see how bad things were getting. And even when I did, I rationalised. I was teeny tiny at 15/16, so small that I had lanugo on my arms. And dd was not teeny (until she was) and I was just fine, no intervention needed and just started eating more when ready.

@StressedANmum I know what you mean about being smothered. Sometimes it feels like the level of support required is like chopping an arm off.

@Thisnowtoo
It’s good to hear from you. How is your dd getting along. What is she doing this year?

@Mummyoflittledragon I am a similar personality to you - your advise here has always been really helpful.

DD is at uni. Just started. I have worries about her being ready but I can see it might help her move on.
Her uni started late and she got the flu (she came home to get better) so she actually hasnt been at uni for many days.
Before she got ill she was doing OK with food. Missing some breakfasts but pretty good. I was amazed that, despite refusing to go to a shop or do more in the kitchen than cook toast at home, at uni she is shopping and cooking. Now we have to see if she can regain the weight loss from the flu. I think a lot will depend on her feeling settled and happy there. She struggled with being away from home.
Like you, we are hoping dd will pop home often for a good meal. I also think she'll need it to recharge.

@Thisnowtoo
I’m so pleased your dd has started university and is able to feed herself. I also am hopeful my dd moving out is helping her to move on. And it’s great your dd is cooking. Do you mean actual cooking? My dd is doing nuggets and chips, and hopefully microwaved mixed vegetables.

I do hope your dd settles well in her halls and makes a good friend or two. It sounds as if it’s early days.

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you. Same for you.
No - not proper cooking. Very much nuggets and chips type food. I guess that's pretty normal for students anyway - at least for the first few weeks or months.

@unbuckle, I totally agree. We are being asked or required to deal with a situation that is completely out of the norm. My DS has managed four days free from bingeing and purging, but I have been with him almost all the time. He has had multiple 'meltdowns' and has developed a new behaviour (chewing food and spitting it out).

He saw his mental health worker today, and invited me to come with him. There is no bed at the ED unit at the moment, but he is having weight, bloods and ECG done tomorrow. We also had news that he has been referred to a scheme that provides supported flats to people recovering from mental illness. I believe this would local, but it is early days yet.

@Thisnowtoo
Thanks. You’re right, it is pretty normal. Lots of teens have never been taught to cook… I did try with dd, but she refused.

@sum12luv
It sounds as if your ds is struggling to comply with not vomiting. Chewing and spitting is common I think. Dd doesn’t really do it, has a couple of times, but then she will only eat a very limited range. Would he allow you to talk to him about this, so that it doesn’t become ingrained?

I’m really pleased to her that he’s been referred to supported living. You say there are not beds, does that mean admission would be likely?

@Thisnowtoo sounds like our DDs have had a similar start to uni, my dd managed to come down with a bad case of flu after a week as well! I have similar concerns and when I FaceTimed dd last weekend I felt she looked like she’s lost some weight. She is being telling me she’s eating lots but trust is difficult!

It doesn’t help that DDs oven has broken in her halls 🤦‍♀️ I’m wondering about getting her an air fryer as that’s what the other students are using.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I got mine an airfryer. She uses it a lot, I think. I think it makes cooking a bit easier than using an oven. I have one and love it - it's perfect when cooking for one person. Quicker too, which i think might help.
I want to ask DD every day if she has had breakfast and snacks as I know that's the hardest for her. I Am trying not too!

@Girliefriendlikespuppies is your dd getting support from any specialists local to uni? or getting wieghed? Dd was referred to the local ED team and I guess is on a waiting list. She hasnt visited the gp by uni yet, but will need to at some point for her prescription, so I guess she might get wieghed there. She has always been blind wieghed until now.

@Thisnowtoo no my dd isn’t under any ED services now as she’s been weight restored for a few years. She’s still got some lingering ED behaviours but overall before going to uni was doing quite well. Have you got an air fryer recommendation?

@Girliefriendlikespuppies that sounds hopefull. My DD is less than a year weight restored and maybe never quite there. It seems her flat mates eat regular meals so that's a positive.
The airfryer we have is a Ninja. I think they are all much the same.

@sum12luv I hope the appointments today provided some help.