Comments from Supermarket man

[DevonDonnie]

I have just returned from a lovely holiday with a good friend. I’ve been recovered from anorexia for about 6 years, yet I’ve still kept a healthy weight and I still have severe body dysmorphia so I can not trust what I see in the mirror. Im on the lower end of a healthy bmi, in what I consider a safe space for me. I don’t want to be triggering for anyone. I eat really healthily and I exercise gently. I’m at a bmi of 18.5 although over the summer I’ve gained a bit of weight but haven’t weighed myself so maybe I’m higher than this now but trying not to worry about it as I’m having a nice time. Clothes still fit. I can tell in photos that I look filled but I feel happy and not too worried. I’m quite recovered I’d say. I was at a major M&S Trainline supermarket on my way home and this random man said ‘excuse me miss’ so I made room for him - then he said ‘you have a lovely figure’ which is not an insult but I was slightly taken aback by it. I said ‘oh thank you’ sheepishly as I was embarrassed but then he followed up with ‘you have a massive bum darling’ which really shocked me. I think I just looked shocked and he said ‘whatever you are doing in the gym keep doing it as your bum is huge’ I was so shocked and hurt and upset because the words huge and massive are very triggering for me. But also I now don’t know if my body dismorphia is telling me I’m a healthy size when actually im massive! I only weigh 49 kg but these comments have thrown me. My friend has told me that in some cultures massive bum is a compliment but I just don’t know how to feel.

What a revolting pervy man - of course your bum isn’t huge, he just wanted to crack on to you in a super creepy way. I’m really sorry this happened to you. xxx

Thank you- my friend said he was probably thinking he was giving me a compliment. But objectifying women’s bodies is not a compliment in a supermarket surely. And it ruined my day :(

From a general point of view, he was a creepy man making a sexual comment.

From a body image point of view, when slim it excentuates bums. That's a positive thing attractiveness wise.
My BMI is around the same and my bum is about my only curve, its not "big" in a fat sense, but it looks "big" in perspective to my legs in a way that bums generally don't look if slightly larger as thighs usually get bigger quickly as weight increases which then makes the bum blend in more.
If you lost weight it likely wouldn't make any difference to your bum size, if anything it would probably excentate it more.

I'm really sorry to hear that💐

He wasn't trying to be complimentary, he was a nasty piece of work. There are plenty of them around and rest assured, he was just trying to upset you. Your weight is low and doesn't indicate much body fat, never mind a massive bum. Well done on your recovery.

Even if he had wanted to give you a compliment it’s really inappropriate to comment on your physical appearance at all IMO. I wouldn’t mind if someone said I had a nice coat or something but even saying to a total stranger that they have a nice figure is
And then to follow up with comments about your bum is just grim
Please don’t give head space to this sleaze, particularly in terms of your body image - he absolutely doesn’t deserve it.

Yes it was quite bizarre to me and very uncomfortable- he at first gestured for me to make space for him and I apologised ( why do we apologise for taking up space) and then told that I had a nice figure, followed up with ‘you have a massive butt’ and of course I continued to be a polite well brought up girl even though I was very uncomfortable. Followed up with massive bum comment keep it up etc. literally wanted to cry but was focused on getting home to my doggy after my holiday. And he thought he was complimenting me.

He probably has a very tiny tiny brain - sort of reptile level. Unless you're particularly short, I can't see how you'd have a massive or even slightly large bum at 49-50 kg. That's my weight, I'm probably a smidgeon taller than average and I don't have a big bum. I don't think he really thought he was complimenting you at all. I think he was deliberately trying to upset you by saying that as he probably knew you weren't trying to emulate the Kardashians' body type. People are just weird - a skinny colleague who was 8 months pregnant - got asked by some random walking down the street if she'd ever thought of joining a gym to get in shape. I mean she was skinny all over except for the bump and she was a runner so she was toned.

wrong so, there are so many like this in society. And if someone of your healthy weight and health is big then I am gigantic. I suffer with issues but the opposite end of the spectrum. I’ve just earlier in the eve on my Live online, been told to go get more chips lol, and when I ridiculed the guy he said i wouldn’t fit in his car lol.

YOU are a perfectly fine. Well done on working so hard to reach a healthy weight. Whatever shape you are is no one’s business except yours.
HE is a creepy fucker who has no place commenting on how you look.
OK it’s nice to say someone looks good, but not in a train stations shop when you’re just going about your day.

OP, there's no way in hell you have a big bum at 49kg. That's simply not possible. He was just a nasty piece of work who was trying to upset you. Especially nasty by giving you a compliment and then insulting you. Just an inadequate little tosser who's almost certainly an incel.

Anorexia's not an easy thing to overcome. Well done on your recovery!

He wasn’t being nice, he was sleazy. I can guarantee it was random, akin to making a comment on carpet and curtains if you had bright hair or an aubergine in your shopping basket. He was being sexual/ negging you

What is wrong with men who think that they can say things like this to strangers???? Arsehole.

I always think of things that I would like to say long after the conversation but quite enjoy my little rants.

Nasty? Nope. Pervy, sleavy and inappropriate yes. I think.if you did not have issues about your body image rather than being upset you may have been angry thst he said this. Don't let his unwelcome comments disrupt you any more OP. Well done on trying to maintain a healthy weight.

Pervert alert! He was being a creep.

He probably thought he was paying you a compliment. Insisting on you working out in the gym means your bum looks very toned.

But he shouldn't have talked about your body at all. The thing is, creeps like that can smell insecurities and wouldn't dare making a comment to someone that they think would scold them. I used to get comments but then I changed my facial mask when leaving the house interpreting a non-nonsense French teacher I once had. It really works because noone approches me. So happy they can't see that I'm a meak, people pleasing mug on the inside 😅

Even if you didn’t have dysmorphia that encounter would probably have knocked you for 6.

When we move through a public space, we don’t know what other people are like, and when someone breaches basic rules of etiquette, it registers as a potential threat.

A male, inserts himself, uninvited in your space, makes highly personal comments that skirt very close to sexually obscene - that’s not a compliment from a passing stranger, it’s a verbal assault.

You will have people minimising it, but it’s not nothing. Even if he’s idiotic rather than predatory, it doesn’t change the physiological reaction your body had to a threat in the jungle. And your body is correct because good, decent men don’t speak to female strangers like this.

Your dysmorphia is an added complication because it’s your automatic filter for that sort of comment. It’s going to rattle around in your mind for a while but try to push back on it. Because none of this is about you.

You sound like you're doing really well in your recovery OP, so well done with that and I hope this doesn't set you back at all.

This man had no right to make such personal comments. To take some sort of positive from the encounter I'd say he didn't think you were in anyway big as he attributed your shape to having worked out in the gym. Your friend is correct that some cultures worship bums and he probably thought (in his pea brain) that he was coming up with a tremendous compliment. Although you've been well brought up to be polite, there are times when it's ok to say something like "do you realise how inappropriate that comment was?"

Keep reminding yourself that this was a random weirdo. Don't let his comment drag you into any dark places in your mind.

Crikey, what an inappropriate thing for him to say! I know that the current fashion is for some women to want developed glutes, which is probably where his reference to the gym comes from, but wtf!

He really didn't think he was complimenting you. He was trying to intimidate, embarass and humiliate you. Lulling you into a sense of security with the 'lovely figure' comment, obliging you to thank him, then sticking the knife in with 'massive butt' to see your reaction.
Some men are weirdos. Try to put it out of your mind.

You probably met someone who likes to draw women into their kink without their consent. It gives them a buzz. Like when they ask if they were an inch tall, would you put them in your pocket and that's the more harmless one.

You met a prick. Hopefully you won't meet him again.

I want you to know that he is a pervy idiot. You do not have a big bum. It’s simply not possible ant your weight. Even if you did, or ever do in the future, it doesn’t matter.

I say this as a much older woman who was terribly thin in my 20s.

On one single occasion, I remember how I ate a pasty out and about (350 cals, I always thought checked this stuff!). But it was a big looking pasty. Anyway, a builder whistled at me and shouted, “watch out you don’t eat it all or you may get fat”.

He probs thought he was being cute. But as with your example it ruined my day, lots of fretting, and made me stick to an even more restricted diet, which was painful and hideous for me.

honestly, honestly, it’s a pity I gave my ED or indeed that man any time. I wish I’d focussed my energies elsewhere. I don’t have answers since a little ED monster is still within me, 30 years later, but now I don’t care (plus no one perves over me at my age!). Take care.

I’m into the gym and in that circle it would be a massive compliment. It’s deemed very attractive these days to grow your glutes to be a bit disproportionate to your waist and I’d be delighted if someone said that to me. I imagine he means you have a nice shape, and whether he’s a perv or a well meaning guy who struggles with social interaction, I’m sure it was meant as it was delivered. Sorry you feel triggered by it though, I doubt at 49kg you have a massive anything. I’m 5’8 and just a few kilos heavier than you trying desperately to get someone to say that to me! 😊

You think saying “you have a massive bum” to someone you don’t know that you see in a train station is ok?

You're entitled to feel as any woman would - utterly disgusted that he thought those comments were remotely ok.

Of course it’s not ok, what I’m saying to OP is regardless of his motive, she shouldn’t feel like he was implying she’s fat, which is in effect what she’s worried about. He probably very clumsily meant she looks toned in the right places. Of course people should keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves but it’s too late for that in this instance