Support thread 12 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

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Suddenly noticed the old thread is almost full and thought I'd make a new one.

@Mummyoflittledragon I’m hoping so. When I picked her up from her grandmas after id finished work yesterday she was in a much better mood luckily. Still waiting for her to come down this morning to see what she’s like today. But she did ask lastnight if we can go to Costa on wed for dinner so that’s good.
Ow no I really do feel for you it’s really tough for you isn’t it I wish I could help u I really don’t know what to suggest especially with the seizures

@Mummyoflittledragon hi how r things today how r u??

It’s really good your dd is planning her eating. It sounds as if she’s made a lot of progress. I hope you’ve had a good day.

Things were calmer today. Dd was in bed until about 10.30 then her friend, who’s been great came over to study in the afternoon. I therefore took the opportunity to chat to dd with the friend there as the dynamic is a lot calmer with her around.

After yesterday dd was adamant this morning she wouldn’t eat and no longer wanted to dance. Not a surprise. She just can’t see any nuances right now. I therefore said we’d go and see the owners and talk to them. It’s long overdue but I’ve been holding out until I have something concrete to say and trying to get dd through her GCSEs. The last exam is tomorrow.

The feedback was they were just looking up my number to call me about dd at first glimpse when I walked through the door. They have agreed she can continue if she maintains weight, which she won’t if she doesn’t eat enough. So dd needs to up her calories otherwise they will make her stop. They apparently had another girl do the same a few years ago and she was made to stop. I am going to keep in contact with them and let them know if she hasn’t eaten enough. And if she hasn’t (which is likely) they will allow her to walk through only ie mark the dances on that day.

They also said that dd won’t be able to do her dance exam in a month if she hasn’t eaten enough. They will be in big trouble if they allow her to go through with it and she becomes ill. It’s a professional exam and lasts a little over an hour. So quite intense. I also won’t want dd doing it either if she cannot up her calories. She is always at higher risk of having a seizure after dance exams and can become exhausted after them.

It is I’m hoping something is starting to sink in with her @Mummyoflittledragon

ow wow an hour dance exam that is intense she deffo wouldn’t even be able to get through it would she if she didn’t eat enough. Have u tried doing her an eating plan or is that just a total no go?? Is she still drinking enough because that’s one thing my daughter also stopped

Hi all. Can I just ask for a bit of advice please?

Sometimes DD will blame either me or DH for not eating. So this morning for example DH told me via text that she wasn't getting up for breakfast. I texted her (I'm at work) to ask if she was OK and to give a few words of encouragement. She asked me why I was asking if she was OK. I said it was because I knew she was struggling to get up. She then said "I was just about to. Might not bother now though." So it was my fault that she wasn't going to get up.

Does that kind of thing happen to anyone else, and if so how do you approach it?

@SicilianOrange

I can’t say anything right! A thick skin is developing. I just carry on as normal and ignore unkind responses as best I can. Anti depressants have helped me not to take it personally 😌.

DD won’t eat unless prompted, if I am out she will wait for me to get home…..it’s like having a toddler. She can guzzle Coke Zero all by herself though😬

Yeah I'm fully dosed up and and have patches on my arse for HRT too! Definitely helps, but I have a long history of taking things personally! I think I mean what do you say to them when they say that. Because it's not my fault, it's a choice she's making because the AN has told her to. But I suspect you're right and ignoring it is the key.

And DD can drink Pepsi Max until the cows come home. (It fills her up I suspect.)

@SicilianOrange I know that I often fall into the trap of being almost to nice and afraid of what I'm saying and that maybe a more direct " you need to get up now as you must have your breakfast" would be better.
The ED is going to fight back anyway, maybe just being more firm and direct will help them to see there isn't a choice.
That's what I'm trying at the moment anyway.

@Mumofellie
After we’ve been to the ED therapy clinic tomorrow, the therapist will develop a meal for dd. She said she’d do it initially with dd’s safe foods and to bring a list so that’s going to be mega repetitive. Dd wouldn’t accept anything from me.

Dd is still drinking. She has stopped at times or drunk a few mills in a day. But not atm.

@SicilianOrange
My dd is exactly the same. IE according to her she had every intention of eating but because I now asked her about it or suggested eating something nutritious, she threatens she won’t eat at all because I’ve annoyed her. Except the reality is she likely had no intention of eating. It’s a blame game and to induce begging and disagreement, which she’s thriving on. The ED seems to love drama. Variations include she intended to eat x small amount of not very nutritious food, but now I’m saying that isn’t enough to dance on, she won’t eat at all. Lots of goading and blackmail from her. Bottom line, it’s just easier to blame me. Like your dd mind is guzzling diet drinks. Her choice is cherry Pepsi max and lots of chewing gum.

@SicilianOrange hi sorry I can’t really help now my DDs had to stop college when I’m at work she’s at her grandmas and then when I’m home she gets up same time as us all so her brother and sister can get ready for school

@Mummyoflittledragon ow hopefully she will stick to the plan then if there her safe foods.

@SicilianOrange try not to take it too personal it’s the ED not your DD that is being like that

Thanks @Mumofellie I hope so. She really needs it spelling out to her in a way that she understands with the rapid weight loss there isn’t that much time and she needs to choose to live.

@Mummyoflittledragon she does and hopefully she will keep me posted after your app tomorrow

Will do thanks.

An update from yesterday as I’ve now had a debrief from the director of the ED clinic. Dd opened up to her a little when dh and I left the room and they spoke for about 45 mins, which is great. Dd has agreed to see her again next week. It’s a long drive but we are hoping to switch to zoom if everything works out ok. Dd still denies that there is an issue. However, she is showing signs of being resigned to working with someone if only to get me off her back. So there is hope that this can be the start of a therapeutic relationship. It all needs to be very slow though and I was told I need to back off a lot as I’m trying desperately to rescue dd, which is pushing her further away.

I am more positive than I have been for a while. I know this isn’t going to be an easy fix and dd will continue to lose weight for a while. However, I can deal with this as long as I can get her well in the future.

How is everyone else doing?

Hi @Mummyoflittledragon how's your dd been since the appointment? I'm sure it'll will have got her thinking, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

Things are ok here. We have a little weight gain and she seems a little happier in herself.

I'm really trying to relax and be comfortable with the fact that there is no quick fix, but any progress is positive.

@guineapigsrule happy to hear about the little weight gain, my DD had a little weight gain last week after a maintain and a minute grain the past few weeks before.

we just getting ready to go out for a meal Dads choice we’ve been a few times recently and she’s enjoying it,

hope things are ok with u @Mummyoflittledragon

Hi @guineapigsrule and @Mumofellie
I'm so pleased both your dds are doing ok.

Today has been a tough day. After eating pretty well yesterday and telling me she was going dancing today, dd failed dismally to continue eating enough. Lots of drama and fighting because she wanted to go. She did eat in the end but only 450 calories tops so I forbade her.

I am also getting push back from a couple of friends, who have decided with dd I’m being ott. Such as the one, who took her on a 21k step walk a couple of weeks ago despite having had a lot of talks with me and saying she understands about the illness. I know these two go out at around midnight if they go to hers (they escape when their parents are sleeping). They did around 3k steps between midnight and 3 am the other day. She and dd clearly had a fat chat about me after I contacted her to ask her to keep an eye on her / dd’s step count… I’ve asked the girl over 5 times for her mum’s number but the girls are gatekeeping... And another, whose stepmother accused me of causing dd’s illness, who can no longer look me in the eye when I’ve known her for years. The stress is high today.

As for the therapy, I’m hoping it will work. Dd cried because I wouldn’t let her go dancing, which is progress from just shouting and threats of violence. I’ve still been called all the names under the sun and threatened. We are back there on Wednesday.

@Mummyoflittledragon ow no I can’t believe one is blaming you for the illness how can she even say that. Took me a while to realise that I wasn’t to blame for my DDs illness. Can’t imagine how that has made u feel hun but please do not believe her at all it is deffo not your fault. Just keep doing what you are doing u know your daughter best and know what’s right for her. I’ve realised that when I speak to friends about the illness they are shocked and don’t really understand or realise how bad things are or can be. Unless you are going through this yourself with your child ppl just won’t understand it.

i hope you have a better day today xx

Thank You @Mumofellie ❤️
I am sorry you felt you were in some way to blame for your dd. I do feel twinges of guilt because I didn’t seek therapy for dd earlier. But really I know she wouldn’t have accepted anything and her ED, which looks to be anorexia, is due to vegetarianism and dd’s anxiety around her medical condition. But I’ve done my very best for dd as we all are doing. Admittedly it’s not always been right. And I totally agree that no one gets it really.

As for this woman, she came to my house on the pretext of trying to help dd as dd doesn’t like that I’m talking to her friends about how to safeguard her (and by extension themselves as it would be awful if something happened when out and about). The woman was so wound up and made it all about her. I ended up appeasing her like an irate a 5 year old, explaining why. She completely missed the point with the example I used to illustrate, flew off the handle, slamming the door behind her, then started sending texts. When I asked her to stop because I’m trying to keep dd alive, she turned absolutely vile. Everything is always about her and I suspect her actual issue is that she didn’t like that I sent her dsd a very age appropriate but to the point message to her about how to safeguard dd… This was after I tried to speak to the woman on 3 occasions and after I asked her if it was ok to message the girl!! The impression I get is she thinks if she could just get her hands on dd she could resolve the issue in a flash and has sent food a couple of times to dd, which dd hasn’t eaten in months and months. We aren’t ones to make a scene and dh just eats it…

@Mummyoflittledragon yes I was same blamed myself as should have got her the help ages ago but I’ve learnt that it isn’t my fault and I did try to get her help on two occasions but drs didn’t do anything.

omg this women sounds vile she obviously doesn’t understand at all does she.

I hope your dd soon realised that u are trying to help her and this women isn’t especially with all the walks she’s going on she’s just giving the ED what it wants by doing that

Hi all, I've been absent for a few months now, just thought I'd do an update as quite a bit has happened with DD. After another threat of inpatient, she decided to up her calories to 1200 so that she could start at an outpatient clinic instead. She's been there since Feb and is now 40kg, so we're slowly getting somewhere. Strangely her period has returned, even though she's nowhere near a healthy weight. I'm glad I have time in the day now to prepare for her dinner and pm snack. @Mummyoflittledragon sorry to read about your DD. It's awful when people don't understand EDs at all. DD's aunt thought she could 'fix' her 2 summers ago by offering her a McDonalds (she thought I didn't treat her enough!) xx

Thanks both. No she really doesn’t get it at all @Mumofellie. My dd has read the messages from the woman and my one, polite message to her. I didn’t respond to the abuse. Dd is under no illusion that I think what she said to me is vile and has heard exactly what I think of her. Dd still wants to go away with them for a few nights at the end of August as she’s invited… they invited her the following day actually. I don’t want dd to go of course as there is no trust at all and I don’t see how I can ensure dd is kept safe for her medical condition let alone her ED. I never want to speak to the woman again if I can help it and I don’t see how I can trust her friend with her either if she’s been fed a pack of lies. Dd is adamant she’s going and we are not having that fight right now as it’s likely she won’t be mentally or physically well enough anyway…

@lyriccat I’m glad your dd is managing the 1200 calories, that you’re making some headway and that she’s willing to keep herself home and not in hospital. 40 kg is so tiny. ❤️ I am sorry you had that experience with your dd’s aunt. It’s so frustrating when people think they know best when you’re an expert on your child. If anything I am overly connected to dd’s needs. I was also dubious about telling other people. But when I have they’ve responded overwhelmingly positively, even my brother, who told me he wasn’t surprised and realised she was doing it back in February and estimated her to be eating about 800 calories back then.

My dd has spent the last 2 days at home resting. Not too much sniping and she’s coming to terms with not dancing. I’m trying to persuade her to eat more to be able to dance but she just can’t do it atm and she missed yesterday and this evening, she managed to eat enough to go Saturday. I think that is possibly it for now. She had one friend staying over last night and another 2 tonight. Most days she’s only eating one meal in the evening and is at the cinema now. She takes high calorie foods with her there so will be eating 1000 calories today, maybe more and up from the usual 400-500 calories so it’s hopefully going to be a better day tomorrow. She needs the strength for the long drive to the clinic. I have no idea how much she weighs now as she refused to get on the scales.

@Mummyoflittledragon August it a while away yet and hopefully your DD will realise what they are doing and not want to go. Glad she isn’t doing the dancing at the minute and it resting as this will help her especially eating that bit more too.

@lyriccat my daughter is almost the same weight as your daughter. My daughter is at home but did spend almost 2 weeks in hospital at the beginning of April. It’s seems so long ago but we’re still not that far from where we started as she has had a lot of maintains or tiny gains but at least we arnt where she was beginning of April even thought it’s not loads she has gained we are getting there slowly

@Mummyoflittledragon I agree, dance is a definite no if she is only managing one or two meals a day. She should really be on bed rest but I appreciate how hard it is esp if she's still at school or has friends she wants to see.

@Mumofellie Sorry to hear she was in hospital, I'm glad she's managing a bit of weight gain so far, hopefully this continues. My DD was 34kg at her lowest but our ED service were useless, sending us back and fourth to a&e with no information. She needed hospital but was never admitted. Our GP has since sent a formal complaint. Has your DD been offered any extra help such as outpatient or home visits?