Bloody hell - comments on my size

[CharlotteBog]

Talking to a colleague about a t.shirt I have that he would like to get for his daughter.
I said I could try and get hold of one for him and asked what size. I said mine was Small.
"Oh my daughter is tiny, that would be much too big for her"

I was a bit thrown. I am tall and slim. 1/2 a stone lighter and I would be underweight (according to BMI). In the context of my ED, I am struggling to accept being a healthy weight - am I going to get bigger and bigger....is menopause going to give me a 'thickening waist"? I haven't been able to do the running or cycling I so enjoy (injury) - am I losing all my tone?

Anyway, I did challenge him - "you've just made me feel really huge" and he then came back with "well, she's 5'2" and your t.shirt would be like a night shirt on her". His daughter is an adult BTW. I am 5'8".

I ended the conversation then. Clearly he sees me as some giant thing. Objectively I know I am not, but his words have been playing on my mind a lot.

I've been on a work trip for a week. I didn't bring my gym stuff because there was a pool at the hotel. Unfortunately it was out of use, and the meeting days were very long anyway (and jet leg meant I was not up super early). I am so keen to get back to my sport next week.

I think it's hard not to react negatively to these sorts of remarks. When my country folk DGPs were alive I'd visit with DM and every farking time it would be "Ooh she is a big girl" or just "Big girl" which - as you can imagine- was rather upsetting as I've never been twig like.
It was only when I visited with my cousin who is thin but also relatively tall like me, and she was getting the same "Big Girl" remarks I realised it was meant to be a compliment about height and being strapping enough for farm work.

It's probably best to avoid any discussions that involve your size in any way whatsoever OP as you're likely to be very sensitive on this subject.

1. His DD being 5'2" and probably able to wear children's clothes doesn't make you big.
2. Men aren't judged by weight the way women are, so they don't think about how comments comparing two women's sizes might be (mis)interpreted.
3. I'm with the other posters saying that you need to resume therapy for your ED.

As a colleague he shouldn't be making comments about your body for any reason.

To be honest, if a coworker said he liked my tshirt and wanted it for his daughter, I would find that weird and inappropriate. If he said "she's way smaller than you" I would feel slightly uncomfortable with that, and I don't have an eating disorder (but I am a woman living in a society where thinness is praised!)

I can imagine comments like this cut much deeper if you are recovering from an ED, but please remember that you are beautiful, he is an idiot who has no idea what he's talking about. You don't need to punish yourself for his approval, or for anyone else's.

I'm wishing you all the best for your recovery journey 💖

I understand you op.
I've always been very slim and although I still am at 52, I'm a size bigger than I was 10 years ago (realistically I was underweight then!)

I really struggle if anybody describes me as anything other than 'skinny' or 'tiny' etc

If anyone describes me as 'looking well' I immediately presume they think I look fat

It sounds like you might be taller than his daughter and slightly bigger in size. He is probably visualising his daughter and maybe she is just smaller.

My mum was very tall and thin when she was younger and she would always wear larger sizes. Nothing to do with being or looking overweight, it’s about fit.

Maybe it feels a little weird coming from a man. But she someone asks me for size, I might explain the size I’m wearing and maybe add a comment that a smaller size could work as I tend to be bustier (and would probably be an 8/10 if it wasn’t for them). Nothing malicious.

I think you're being a bit unfair. It sounds like it was OP who initiated the conversation and volunteered her size, all the man did was make a factual comparison of his DD versus OP which seems to have been based on height.

From what you’ve said you owe the colleague an apology. This was a you issue, not him.

A woman of 5ft 8 would be likely to be at least a 10 or S on top simply because of her frame and height. A woman of 5ft 2 at the same bmi could need a 6 or XS. You are just a bigger person than her.

The colleague didnt make a comment about her body did he and he also didnt say she is way smaller than OP.
Your comment is unhelpful because it feeds into OPs seeming paranoia and doesnt help her see how she needs to frame that discussion so that she doesnt centre herself within it

I think you have to bear in mind it was a man you were talking to. EDs are much rarer in men than women, most men in my experience don't think in terms of their own size, any anxieties are likely to be around lack of muscle.

What I mean is that, while most women would be aware that 'your t shirt would be much too big for her' is a potentially loaded statement - because women are in the habit of comparing their size to others, feeling judged for their size, monitoring their size - a man would just 'say what he sees' - you are 5'8, his daughter is 5'2 so she is 'smaller' than you; he has not analysed your weight and build. He clearly doesn't know his daughter's dress size or he'd just have said 'size 6' or whatever she is.

So do not take his comment as having any bearing on your weight. You've said you are only a few pounds clear of being underweight, so clearly you are as small as you can safely be at the moment.

Think you may be a bit of a 'rude git' yourself!

Absolutely this, and all the posters being rude and derogatory to the man, why?

*I actually think he was a rude git! Fuck him and he can sort the T-shirt himself.

Is he shorter than you? Little man syndrome perhaps. 😆*

Weird. Hopefully you don’t give "advice" out like this often.

Why should OP care if he sees OP as huge?

Because she's recovering from an eating disorder.

I’m 5ft and it’s very unlikely clothes that fit a 5’8 woman, regardless of how slender, would look proportionate on me.

This is a huge over reaction to a factual comment that someone is smaller than you. It grinds me gears how people take offence when it wasn’t given in the first place.

@Mercurial123 It’s not advice. FFS I’m not saying oh you should’ve told him to fuck off. I’d be thinking it if someone said something like that TO ME!

You do you.

An idiot, really? It’s a normal factual comment. The fact the OP took offence was because of her own body image, not this perfectly polite and reasonable interaction.

Not to say that how you feel about yourself doesn’t impact how you take things, but how the chuff was he supposed to anticipate that?

He just meant that she’s shorter than you. Everything else in your post is a product of your thinking, not what he said.

I appreciate that this sort of thinking is part of an ED but that’s your issue, not his.

I’d add that he didn’t actually make a comment on your size at all- you did that.

You don't understand the context of the conversation or one of the easily offended.

As a colleague he shouldn't be making comments about your body for any reason.

Yes, and thank fuck he was talking about the shirt, not her body. 🙄

Sorry, op, this is a You thing. You are twisting this man's comments to fit your disordered thinking. I am 6', slim, and my shirts would definitely be much too big for a woman much smaller than I am, and that still doesn't make me fat.

@rookiemere and @soupfiend I just reread the OP and still stand by what I said, it's up for the OP to clarify who started the conversation but it reads like he did, how else would she know his daughter wanted the tshirt? He also made a comparison between their sizes - that is commenting on her body.

Would you honestly feel comfortable with your colleagues comparing your body size to other people's? I wouldn't

Kindly, I think your view of what he said is coloured by your ED and you are over reacting. He said she was tiny, that doesn't mean he thinks you are large. 5ft 8 is tall (as someone who is short I am very envious!), and a big difference in height to someone 5ft 2.

And the menopause doesn't necessarily mean you are going to get bigger. I'm menopausal and weigh less than I did two years ago (through sensible changes to my diet and exercise).

That makes no sense.
I’m going to leave you to it. We are not going to agree are we.

If someone is genuinely this hyper-sensitive I honestly don't know how they can function in the world.