Support thread 11 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[GrannyRoberts]

Hi all, here is our new thread. I will attempt to post a link on thread 10.

kaytyy

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had such a traumatic childhood. Yes it's shocking that adults around you turned a blind eye to you living in an abusive home. I'm so glad to hear things are better for you now. It's possible to self refer for therapy nowadays if you do feel you need it. Sometimes things can slowly creep up from the past x

Ididnt there's no 'just' about it and it is absolutely possible to have anorexia and eat chocolate/sometimes eat lots etc. Without a professional assessment from an ED service I can't say for definite what's going on with your dd.

Anorexia ultimately comes down to how starved the brain is and this depends on lots of factors.

Everyone else around me minimised how ill my dd was, they told me to just ignore it and dd would get better, that dd was just doing it for attention, that I was part of the problem etc but I knew there was something else going on.

Trust your instincts, you know your dd best, I would go back to the Gp and start there.

Ah man this really sounds a lot like how things started for DD, and the same kinds of things went through my head too in terms of whether she was doing it to spite me and stuff.

I'd say I'm a stage or two ahead of you and I can say that we had a huge falling out with tears and arguing and it was awful awful awful BUT it brought things to a head and we could then think about tackling it.

Also, whilst me and DH are together, there is still a similarity in what you describe about her DF telling you she eats plenty at his. My DH was very much in denial for a long time, describing it as disordered eating, part of her neurodivergence etc etc. Don't let that distract you from what may be the reality of an ED. Start the ball rolling with Drs etc as soon as you can. Keep pushing for appointments, quote the NICE guidelines (in the thread somewhere and in Eva M book) if you feel you're being fobbed off.

She won't hate you forever (I thought that too) but she's battling this thing in her head - there's DD, there's the teenager, and then there's the ED. Your DD is still in there but the fight and the swirling vortex of weird emotions in her head are so difficult for them to navigate.

The Eva M book and vids are SO SO helpful. There's a Caitlin Moran article/chapter from her book which I found helpful too, only in that I didn't feel so alone. And this thread.

Sending love and strength your way.

Ididntsignuptothis
Various reasons FBT did not work but either way first step is to get professional help.
I say this despite camhs having made mistakes etc.

@kaytyy
thank you so much for coming on here to share your story and give us hope and advice, particularly about it being okay to share feelings and the importance of being heard. ED forced therapy on us, it’s not something we would ever have considered otherwise but I can see now that, with the right therapist, it is helpful. If you ever feel it might help you then I would strongly recommend it. Our nutritionalist told us that there isn’t a mother and teenage daughter in the country that doesn’t need therapy!!! There may be a waiting list but I’ve found that time passes quickly so even appointments in six months time come around very quickly.

Everyone else, and particularly those currently in crisis, I am sending you hope. X

Ididntsignuptothis

My dd's eating was similar prior to her extreme restriction. Not much breakfast or lunch, leaving half her dinner, scoffing chocolate and ice cream in the evening. She then started to cut out sweets and chocolate and wanted to make herself 'healthy' meals asking me to buy ingredients for sushi, salads and smoothies. I thought this was great, healthy eating good, right? So I went along with it.

It was really when she didn't eat any of her advent calendar Christmas 2021 and none of her Christmas chocolate on Christmas day that it occurred to me that there was something wrong. I told her I thought there was a problem at the beginning of 2022 and her reaction cemented my gut feeling that she was struggling with food. I tried to get her eating proper meals and she insisted on ready meals, obviously as she knew calorie content , and I went along with it. Great, she was eating again. Then the ready meals became just sushi and vegetarian meals, very low calories. Just yogurt and fruit during the day. Easter came and again she didn't touch any chocolate eggs. Around that time she put on summer clothes and I was shocked at how tiny she had become when hiding under baggy warm clothes. After some googling and finding the threads here I found I could self refer to camhs. She was assessed and seen very quickly. She was 78% wfh.

ED is sneaky and it can creep up slowly. Trust your instincts and get a GP appointment to check her out physically, or look if you can self refer to camhs.

Thank yuo all, I find you very validating. I too am surrounded by 'she's fine, it's a phase' - typically by adults who I would consider to have v disordered eating themselves.

I didn't realise you could self refer to camhs, I'll keep that in mind

I’m really struggling today. Dd is doing relatively ok but I still feel utterly overwhelmed by it all. Multiple events with family this weekend to add to the stress and already rescheduled them before so just need to suck it up. Wishing i would just drop dead so I don’t need to deal with it all(wouldn’t actively harm myself)
DH not helping as commented last night about DD’s dinner serve being massive. I feel as if this is all on me all the time and it’s too much

@Cantfindthewordsddstruggling

I am struggling too.

DD is begging me to collect her from the hospital and says if I won’t then she apply for adoption.

@Dinnerisburnt that’s the ED talking. If she is an inpatient she is clearly vulnerable and more than likely not medically stable. She has been admitted for good reason! Stay strong and know that she is getting the care that she needs.
It’s a horrible place to be and the eating disorder is like a monster who will pull on your heart strings one moment and say the most horrendous things the next.

Cantfindthewordsddstruggling

I think family events need to take a back seat right now if the thought is causing you that much stress. Your mental wellbeing must come first if you're to stay strong enough to care for dd. Anyone who can't understand that and puts pressure on you is an arse. You are dealing with a lot. If it does become too overwhelming the Samaritans are always there and they're wonderful at listening. Sending hugs xx

Dinnerisburnt

So sorry you're struggling too. Your dd is in the best place for her right now. Sending love & solidarity x

@Dinnerisburnt that's hard, the ED makes them say such high emotion things... my dd has been going through a phase of saying she wishes I would just go upstairs and kill myself... there's only so much of that you can take without it affecting you. You're doing the right stuff for her, keep going. Huge huge hug.

@Cantfindthewordsddstruggling - I agree with girlie, it's ok to cancel things that are too demanding right now. It's half term where we are and we were planning to go and stay with some relatives, which I was dreading. They mean well, but are not able to tone down their impulses to talk about food and minimise everything. They had a home emergency meaning we couldn't go - oh I was so delighted!!! We've done very little instead and it's been good not to have the extra demands.

Parenting someone with ed is an absolute task and a half. It's relentless and I don't know why there isn't more info on the consequent mental health deterioration of family members. I know my own mental health is quite poor just now. So if anyone needs permission to make life easier and leave the obligations behind, I hope I can sort of give that to you. Xxx

Parenting someone with ed is an absolute task and a half. It's relentless and I don't know why there isn't more info on the consequent mental health deterioration of family members. I know my own mental health is quite poor just now (@greydoor )

This is something that worries me too. My two other DCs DS1 (18) and DS2 (14) are both autistic and their mental health has already taken a battering over the years. We're got an eye on them both in terms of that but they're both struggling to go into school and can't really find the words to express how worried they are about DD. Eldest has fallen back into stimming behaviour and youngest has become sad and angry. It's very hard on everyone. I sort of wish that some of our FBT sessions could include them so we may be able to help them too. Too raw at the moment though.

@summertimesadness24 how are things today?

Well....clinic app just said carry on as we are
As in no excuses she HAS TO eat the meal plan so we've done that since we've got home and she won't eat!

Her obs were good and NO weight lost and her WFH is still 91.6 so they aren't worried at all

Not sure if im reassured or not

All I can say is DD has been like ' see nothings wrong ' and all smug

I don't know how she cannot think this is ok....

I'm beside myself with worry and she's in her own world

Almost quite 'annoyed' that she has to attend an appointment today

Blimey summertimesadness24 it sounds like the same clinic my dd was at. They basically just told me to get on with it and make dd eat - as if it was that easy! I got much better advice and support from the experienced parents here. Dd hated the appointments and wouldn't speak.

It's good that obs are OK. Keeping everything crossed that you get her eating, but I really think she needs to be admitted if she continues to say she can't eat. You must be beside yourself x

I'm starting to think our nurse is just ticking boxes - my DD absolutely hates the app and cries every time. We are still having weekly appointments so if she's still not eating by next week surely they can't expect her/us to just carry on

I think I'd ask for second opinion. Speak to the manager of the department and say you're not happy with the advice. Get a phone number for crisis times.

Where in the uk are you ?

We are Kent

She also said as DD is 91% wfh and some people get discharged on this and as she is Green on the needs she is stable

I kept saying so when she CANNOT eat and she is telling me she CANNOT how am I supposed to carry on with the meal plan ?!

She also seemed less patient today
Not with my DD but me

It was like she was only talking to DD and body language etc as if I was sort of in the way

I may have mis read or being over sensitive

MEEDS I mean

You're bound to be super sensitive! Dd had a dietician who got really annoyed with me for asking questions. I ended up requesting a different one. Can you do that with the nurse ?
Her responses are just helping the Ed that she doesn't need to eat.

@summertimesadness24 that sounds crazy and not supportive at all. Did they tell your daughter she's stable and hasn't lost weight? If so that's not going to encourage her to eat at all. I agree with others and see if you can speak to someone else or a manager, what are they going to do wait until she isn't a good wfh and then support you?!

I'm so deflated today, it's ds's birthday and he can't manage a slice of his cake. I hate this illness and life

@Proseccoismyfriend - Ach, sorry to hear about the cake. Tiny things like that really bring home just how hard this all is. Hope you can look forward to a future year with cake and recovery.

@summertimesadness24 - oh man I'm so frustrated on your behalf!!! I don't get what the clinicians are seeing? And what they think will happen next? Oh it's so utterly annoying. What's your plan for dealing with it over the next few days?

I'm having a hopeful day. But get this - I can't even feel hopefully now without an actual grey edge of doom and dread creeping in. My dd said her lunch was nice today. That's it, but it's the first time she has said anything has been nice in at least 6 months. And it really made me feel hope, but I know that I'll be right back in a state of despair quickly enough. I'm so done with this whole thing.