Support thread 10 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

Hi guys
Here is our new thread. I will add a link to it in Thread 9

The G word made me laugh 😂

Grey my dd was the same at that wfh, I decided to focus on getting as many calories and fats into dds food as possible, it was a way of sticking two fingers up to the ED tbh and I had this blind faith that she would start to feel better once the weight went on.

Once we got passed the 'hump' things did improve a lot. Most of dds fear foods naturally just seem to disappear overnight, as did her ocd behaviours (well they didn't completely disappear but they stopped being so intense.)

Sleepovers would make me nervous at a low wfh tbh, it used to stress me out that there might be weighing scales in other peoples houses and also a lot of teen girls talk about weight and what people look like which might be triggering 😕

Re the leaving of food for those of you who are still early on in this journey I would encourage clamping down on leaving food early on. In hindsight I wish I'd been stricter on this and blame myself that dd still hasn't let that behaviour go.

If I could go back in time I'd be stricter from day 1 but at the time I had no clue what I was doing, I wasn't on this group at the time and was completely winging it.

Anyway I got my girl home today, she has a lovely holiday although said she hadn't realised how gross teenage boys are 🙈😂 bless her it's always just been the two of us so I think being with a boy 24/7 for a week was a bit of an eye opener!

She looks healthy and seems to have managed okay food wise although I suspect still stuck to her 'rules' in one way or another.

Aww lovely to have her home @Girliefriendlikespuppies and well done Dd for doing it - big step there! Enjoy having her back

Glad the holiday went well @Girliefriendlikespuppies and yup teenage boys are gross!!! I have 2....
Sounds like she managed well which is fabulous.
Did you enjoy the break too?

Since DD was diagnosed 2 years ago I have suffered from insomnia - I can fall asleep no problem but I am then up at 4 am and am shattered for the whole day. I am taking St John’s Wort for my anxiety - what tips does everyone have for maintaining a good nights sleep?

I have similar issues as have some friends @Nomoreplease23. We are all in our late 40s and apparently the early waking is also very typical perimenopausal crap. A few went in HRT (I didn't - yet). I may be barking up the totally wrong tree here but thought I mention it. I guess in my case it's hormonal, but I also have a few other symptoms.

Late 40’s here as well. So far I think I have tried every natural sleep remedy without much success - but am open to everyone’s advice and experience. Listening to podcasts does seem to help sometimes although having my phone with me at night can cause a distraction that awakens me. I’m so tired and emotionally drained by the whole experience - having a good nights sleep can only be good for DD as we tackle the ED each day. The extra hour in bed today has been wasted on me 🙁

I feel your pain @Nomoreplease23 and @Curlyhairedassasin. I’m 47 and definitely peri. I only get a good night’s sleep nowadays when the stars are aligned, and I haven’t had any alcohol for a few days, I’m not too warm, when I’m at the right time of the month, and I’ve got plenty of water by my bed. I’ve recently changed to a feather pillow too which is also helping. I have also started reading something very much not related to anything to do with what’s happening in the day - currently Moominland in November.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies that's lovely to hear the holiday went so well! Must be nice to have her home too.
Thanks for the advice on fear foods, it confirms my instinct that for now we just keep focusing on weight restoration and hopefully some of those foods will naturally work their way back in. Challenging her now would most likely backfire but perhaps I will start serving her a portion of cake or whatever when the rest of us have it, just to try and normalise these foods, but not comment when they are inevitably left untouched.

Lots yes I did enjoy the break, it reminded me of being in my early 20s (pre dd) and those care free days of being able to do whatever I wanted on my days off work!

Granny if the fear foods are all high calorie foods then really you need to start challenging them as progress will inevitably slow down. I did it in stages but establishing a pudding was really key, I went with old school type puddings to start with and then gradually increased the portions and variety. Don't be afraid to poke the ED, your dd will be desperate to eat the cake but the ED is stopping her. The more you stand firm the greater power she has to argue with the ED that she was 'forced' to eat the cake, she had no choice which will help her move forward.

My dd had a v nonsensical approach to fear foods really, she would eat sticky toffee pudding and custard for pudding but wouldn't touch crisps for ages. Then one day I just put some on her plate with no comment and she ate the lot 🤯

Re sleep I find dowsing myself in lavender oil helpful, also chamomile tea and if I wake up going for a wee even if I don't think I need one!

Nomoreplease23 I swear by reading. I keep my kindle under my pillow and a few pages is usually enough to stop my mind whirring. I sleep better with the window open and have a thin duvet as being too warm wakes me up. I'll chuck a blanket over on really cold nights.

Girliefriendlikespuppies so pleased dds holiday went well and you enjoyed some time off!

Myrtle fantastic to hear how well your dd is doing. She's an inspiration to all who are going through this illness. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

@Nomoreplease23 re sleep, the things I've found helpful are HRT, magnesium tablets /epsom salts baths, drinking lots of water during the day (I can't sleep when I'm thirsty though often I don't realise it), also no alcohol. Hope you find something helpful, sleepless nights are so hard.

@Curlyhairedassasin yes we've got the wellteen multi vits, no calcium in them but otherwise good.

@Frankie291 it sounds so hard, I really sympathise, I hope you have a lot of support. I had a couple of thoughts, I'll share on the off chance they spark a helpful thought - my friend was in a similar situation and she tried art activities together with her DD in less stressful moments; some people won't like messy stuff but open ended, abstract styles might be more relaxing than anything requiring perfection. I know you said TV is stressful but I did wonder about really comforting, favourite shows, the ones where she might already know every word, or ones with no words. Sorry if these are no help, hope that you find something to get you through.

Question re blind weigh ins. Do your DC see the numbers? DD is insisting that she does but I don't think it's helpful.

Thank you @Eyelashesoffire for the sleep advice, magnesium tablets ordered. We blind weighed, DD wanted to know a target weight and would fret when we had a CAMH meeting and there was no change to her meal plan - ie she picked up that she must have gained even without knowing her weight. Knowing the numbers would have a negative effect for DD and there would be too much focus by her on those numbers. We have no scales in the house either.

@greydoor thank you, really appreciate your

suggestions. Will think about where else we can go to as tend to go to same outdoor spaces.

@Eyelashesoffire Thank you. She loves anything creative & art definitely helps in calmer moments. TV without words is a great idea , hadn’t thought of that.

DD knows her weight. We’ve never had scales at home but she gets so distressed thinking about what she might have gained ( ie that eating one snack will have caused her to gain 5kg etc etc) that she can’t cope with not knowing .It carries a major disadvantage too though as she’s motivated by seeing the numbers going down. So difficult.

There’s also a risk they accidentally see/ hear their weight at A&E / on a letter etc. I guess different approaches work for different people.

I personally think unless they are working towards recovery, eating well and fully accept they need to gain weight they should be blind weighed.

Dd knew her weight at the beginning and it was a complete disaster, I blame finding out she gained a kg on a major set back that she never fully recovered from. I made sure if she went anywhere scales were removed and had it written on her medical records that she was not to be told her weight.

The only way we made progress was by strict blind weighing.

Even now dd accepts that knowing her weight would be unhelpful and triggering so tells professionals herself that she doesn't want to know her weight.

We are having a major meltdown about supervised lunches. She is absolutely beside herself not wanting supervised lunches this coming week. We've said either we do it (sit in car outside school) or a we'll ask the school to supervise. In the summer, supervised lunches ended abruptly when she refused to come out to the car. There was nothing we could do and she asked for a chance to show she could eat and CAMHS said ok, we can try. To be fair she did seem to eat. But now she's had this blip we're restarting supervised lunches. She went from 92 to 86 but then back up to 89 WFH.

If she won't come out tomorrow then what are we supposed to do? School won't be able to help at such short notice, it's not easy to get hold of anyone at the best of times.

@Eyelashesoffire I would try to liaise with school and maybe let it go today (I tend to pick my battles these days). If she is not coming out, there isn't much you can do I suppose. I would get on the heels of school. We told them it's either meal support or DD cannot come in (car park lunch supervision wasn't feasible for us). That sorted it very quickly.

Is she eating now? Weight still dropping?

Eyelashes I struck a deal with my dd that I would allow unsupervised lunches as long as the weight went in the right direction. She was so mortified at the thought of having to eat in front of her teachers she agreed and it seemed to work (also coincided with blind weighing.)

Thanks so much for your replies @Girliefriendlikespuppies and @Curlyhairedassasin last night was awful, we were up til midnight with her, she was so upset.

She has been eating quite well, less spraying the cereal around, less pouching, less palava in general, I'd estimate 2000 calories a day. She's gone from 86 WFH to 89 in a week. We're seeing the doctor at CAMHS today, so DD will grill her on the medical side of things. DD still doesn't acknowledge she has an illness.

I'd be happy with unsupervised lunches if the weight goes up. I can imagine the stress of having to eat with a teacher and I'm not sure I trust the school. But I'll have to trust DD, I feel so stuck!

Hi Kelkee

So sorry you've been struggling alone for months.

Here in the UK the first appointment is usually an assessment consisting of physical checks and lots of questions for you and for dd. Ours took around two hours. It's quite a draining process but they need to get a good idea of everything that's going on to offer the right help. Blood tests were then ordered and we were then offered weekly appointments.

We were given a meal plan and told to start FBT - Family Based Therapy. Basically parents take control of all food. 3 meals and 3 snacks per day. It's very hard to implement especially in older teens but it has the best outcome.

Eva Musby is a great resource. She has a book, website and YouTube videos. BEAT also has a website with lots of info and a good helpline.

I really hope your DD gets the help she needs in Spain. Here is the UK the ED service is pretty good but only if the sufferer engages well. My dd hated appointments so only really went for physical checks and is now discharged. I've had amazing help and advice from the posters with a wealth of experience here and would be lost without them.

Kelkee

I would enrich her meals as much as you can to get her calorie intake up and weight going on. Buy full fat foods such as milk,yogurts,cheeses,meat etc, if you don't already. Adding butter, cream, ground nuts to meals she already eats will get the fat content up without adding too much bulk. Slowly increase pasta, rice etc portions. The risk is that the longer she's underweight the more her brain will suffer and she may want to restrict more and more. The only 'cure' for anorexia is to get weight on in any way you can.