I'm struggling worse than I ever have and I'm scared

[leahamarie]

So I've had an ED since I was about 8 years old. I had it under control but ever since I got pregnant and had HG which seems literally uncontrollable!! I've completely stopped eating.
I'm eating now, I live with my partner and he tries to force me to eat, which was how my ED was triggered as a child (as well as bullying). But I can't help my brain physically making me unable to eat food.
In past 48 hours, I've drank about 700ml of water, a tin of soup, some rice and 2 tiny little pancakes.
I'm terrified for my baby's health and no one will listen, I physically cannot handle eating sometimes and it's all because of the mentality.
To eat, I need to psych myself up to it for HOURS before hand and if it changes, I can't eat. I'll smell food or even see a picture that I haven't had on my mind and I'll throw up.
It's beyond anything I've suffered with before and it's getting severe. I don't know what to do.

Not sure what to advise other than obviously talking to your midwife. Have you tried meal replacement shakes like Huel? They're nutritious and have calories but it's a bit easier to handle since you can measure the calories. Would also get your partner off your case which would obviously help.

Honestly I've tried everything. I have an appointment with my midwife coming up so I'm going to mention it then.
As for my partner, I've tried to explain that I am struggling physically and mentally but he throws it back in my face. Because of how ill I've been, I cannot go into work which is putting strain on us as he wants it to be 50/50.
He doesn't seem to grasp the concept that I'm growing a whole human, something I've never done before, as a teenager and I'm struggling with my mental health. He sees that as an "excuse" which doesn't help my brain with trying to work through everything.

Please speak to your midwife. You'll be put under consultant led care and have extra support. It's not uncommon for EDs to get worse during pregnancy and afterwards but you owe it to yourself to seek help. There is nothing you can tell them that they won't have heard before if that's reassuring at all. Look after yourself x

I will do when I go to my appointment. Honestly I've never really had an professional help because it was always brushed off, I've been severely underweight all my life pretty much and it's so scary. Especially even more now knowing that I need to stay as healthy as I can for my baby. It's like I'm fighting a battle with myself every day and it's not nice at all.
It's nice to know others go through this too. That's why I posted, I wanted to know I wasn't alone. As silly as that sounds x

I’d call your midwife or GP. I had HG and I think with your history of ED you may need medical and psychological help.

There is a support charity for this you can get help from before calling so you are taken seriously.
https://www.pregnancysicknesssupport.org.uk/get-help/what-is-hyperemesis-gravidarum/

Thank you so much for this. Honestly it means a lot being able to actually reach out to someone

Your GP should be able to give you a sick note for work due to the HG so you’d at least get sick pay. It might help your boyfriend take it more seriously as well.
It is a pregnancy caused sickness, not an excuse. If he doesn’t stop being an arse, I’d suggest the midwife or GP giving him a talking to on how you need support now.

I've got a sick note, however it's just for 2 weeks so if I'm still feeling like this, I may ask for it to be extended.
As for my boyfriend, I've just sent him a lengthy paragraph (as I'm currently seeing family) about how I'm feeling, breaking it down as much as I possibly could and he just said "yeah speak to them (midwife) on Monday" 😐
Then apologised because he doesn't know how to "help" me. Even though I've tried explaining exactly how, by not treating me the way he is and be a little more accommodating to my issues, however when I break down my walls it goes unnoticed. He think I'm going to explain just how I'm feeling at my midwife appointment, he's gonna get a real shock when I explain how he acts and if he argues back, it's proving exactly my point for me as he's coming with me.

Oh you poor thing. It’s bad enough having the ED, bad enough having HG, but a partner who doesn’t understand that eating disorders are a mental health issue and not physiological is just too much.

You are pregnant now, and as between the baby and your boyfriend, unfortunately you have to put the baby first. That means doing what it takes to ensure your baby is healthy, even if it means neglecting or taking a break from the bf. That can be fixed after the baby is here.

As between you and the baby…well, how can you choose? I don’t have an ED but I did have a pregnancy where I felt my body was the battleground in a fight for resources between me and the baby. I wouldn’t wish it in anyone. And, because of drugs I was on at the time, I wasn’t in my right mind.

The reality of it was that I had to fight that battle every goddam day of that pregnancy. It was exhausting and relentless, just staying alive. Deep down I knew I wanted the baby so I did it. But it was hell. Fast forward many years and whilst I haven’t forgotten what I went through (I never will), that DC is the light of my life. People will tell you that in order for the baby to be healthy you have to look after yourself first, they’ll give you the example of the oxygen mask in the airplane blah blah blah. But that take zero account of your self-loathing and your disappointment in and frustration with yourself and your body.

A very muddled way of saying yes speak to the midwife; don’t be upset or disappointed if she doesn’t understand - it’s so complicated all this stuff; expect it to be a tough ride; take each day as it comes; remember it’s “only” 9 months and it WILL end. Keep your priorities uppermost in your mind.

Good luck, dear. It’s so hard, but maybe you can make this be the making of you. You are capable of more than you know.

I’m glad he is going with you and that he has apologised and admitted he doesn’t know how to help you. Can I suggest that instead of saying how he acts (which he has already apologised for), just say to the midwife that your boyfriend is struggling as he doesn’t know how to help you and leave it at that.

It’s not the time or place to get into an argument when the focus should be on you, and how he can help you. Right now he is motivated to do that and to listen. You don’t want him to get all defensive and nonreceptive to advice.

Pretty much my partner, all my family, and friends didn’t know how to support my HG. It was the dry no vomiting sort. Add in an ED, and it’s understandable that his good intentions could have spectacularly backfired and made things worse. It was a learning process for everyone.

I may have read this wrong, but are you saying you are a teenager now?

not that it makes a difference to your situation, which would be shit for anyone, but i just wanted to add my support - you’re dealing with a difficult situation with 20 years less life experience than i had during pregnancy, and i felt at sea a lot of the time.

stay in there and remember you are worth everything. You seem to be doing a good job of maintaining your boundaries, by pushing back against your DP’s behaviour and making him come to your apt with you, so keep doing this. Hopefully your Midwife can help you with practicalities, and you and your DP can work your way through the emotional side with help. Everything crossed for you.

I totally get that. But when I'm constantly made out to be a liar and like I'm being over dramatic, when I break my walls down to something that makes me incredibly vulnerable like my ED and I hardly get a response, it makes me feel even more alone than I already did.
I'm all for not causing arguments, as that puts more stress onto me, but I need a little compassion, instead of completely avoiding it all together. That's how my ED was ignored by my family. They listened to my concerns then shut me down, but that's childhood trauma and I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole. All of this has been explained, in the most understandable way possible. Yet he still doesn't really seem to understand.

The midwife/GP when they refer you for consultant led support that should include psychological support for all the trauma you have suffered and how to support with your ED in mind.

I think it’s worthwhile mentioning you need consultant psychological support and pushing for it due to both ED and your childhood trauma relating to it. Your boyfriend can actually support you by attesting to how usual encouragement to eat distresses you.

I really do sympathise with you as you’ve said you’re still a teenager yourself. I hope you get a chance to call the pregnancy sickness support group I linked last night. They were really helpful to me preparing to talk to my midwife as my HG wasn’t taken seriously at first either.

Wasn’t taken seriously at first.

Oh sorry. Forgot there was an edit function even though I read the talk guidelines

I've actually already been in contact from the link you gave me and they're really helpful with my rights and what I can do going forward.
My appointment is on Monday so I'm going to tell my midwife everything. And yeah, being a teenager and going through this is awful, I mean I'm 18 and it's such a scary thing.
I just hope that I can finally get help x

Me too x
You deserve the help and support. It’s heartbreaking you have to fight for it on top of struggling with HG plus an ED and childhood trauma.

Oh love, you've never had the support and care any child deserves. It sounds like your BF isn't mature enough either to help you. You may need to get support from other people outside of your relationship and just get him to help with the practicalities rather than any mental health issues.

I'd see if you can get any low cost counselling to help you deal with your family dynamics. I know you said you don't want to go down that rabbit hole but if you could just look at how it felt to be shut down and not listened to then it might help with the feelings you're going through now. ED's are often about a lack of control and pregnancy is probably re-awakening those feelings of lack of control that you experienced as a child.

This makes so much sense.
I actually had a councillor, I had one session and they called me and said that they had made a mistake and I was too far out of their range for help (I live in a village outside of the nearest towns) and so she just cancelled it. I went to my GP and asked their advice and they didn't know what to suggest.
My boyfriends aunt is actually a councillor, however I'm not sure if I'd feel comfortable talking about the way her nephew makes me feel regarding my issues, I don't want to cause a rocky relationship. Even though patient confidently exists, she will still know what I tell her even during family moments.
I'll have to look into other options.

Yep. It's horrific. Wouldn't wish this on anybody xx

Are you taking supplements to give your body some vitamins etc whilst it's hard for you to eat?

Hope you're feeling okay, things will get better for you with the right support x

I was, however i can't keep anything down, not even water, so I haven't been able to keep my supplements down either. Although, when I'm going through a good patch, I'll take them then xx

An initial resource might be the Beat Eating Disorders charity Local Eating Disorder Support (beateatingdisorders.org.uk). They have chatrooms, peer support and should be able to signpost you to proper help in your area.

Or you can try and find an online counsellor on Counselling Directory or the BACP website. It may be that the other counsellor felt she was working outside her competence. EDs are a special area of counselling and I suggest you look for someone who specialises in it. You also need someone supportive and caring.

You should definitely not see your BF's aunt that would be a complete crossing of boundaries as you couldn't trust her to be completely objective.

@leahamarie pop to Holland and Barrett, Tesco or Sainsbury's. You can buy vitamins which is just one spray on the tongue. It's really important for you and baby.

Tastes like a sweet, super easy 🙂

Hope you feel better soon x