Support thread 9 (!) for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better start a new thread, can't believe we're on to thread 9 😳

Hope all the regulars find it!

Curly. The doctor mentioned both but said he would like dd to try Fluoxetine first.

Hi bagpuss - DD was put on fluox and found it very helpful - she's still on it but is reducing doseage/tapering off to see how she goes without it now.

nan - did you decide to visit today, if so, how did it go?

granny - am glad you've been admitted - although it feels awful in many ways it is also a relief too. I

My DD is on Fluoxetine. It was a turning point in mood and attitude, definitely. I understand F is prescribed for depression and Sertroline for anxiety. I'm on Sertroline!

Ditto @SwattyPie for me and DD. The fluoxetine has definitely helped DDs mood, and the Sertraline makes me feel a bit more robust/pragmatic with everyone

Another game changer for me = HRT! Massively helping with anxiety and how I deal with things

Can I rant? MIL this morning uttered the words I know she has been desperate to say all year... "Of course, I always wonder how much your weight loss, which you did safely and sensibly and I was terribly impressed with, influenced DD..." I KNOW EVERY ONE THINKS THIS ABOUT ME AND THINKS ITS MY FAULT BUT I REFUSE TO BE BLAMED BECAUSE HOW DOES THAT HELP? I was very overweight and now I'm healthy. I do not have an eating disorder. I eat and drink everything freely and my weight hasn't changed in 9 months. I run regularly but not for long and definitely not obsessively. I have gone from a size 18 to a healthy 12/14 and I feel great. IT'S NOT MY FAULT BUT EVEN IF IT WAS BLAMING ME IS NOT GOING TO HELP. Does she think I haven't been torturing myself with this since DD was diagnosed? 😞😭😞

Swatty

Wow! I'm gobsmacked at that. I've heard some shit but that has to be up there with the worst. Is she normally so vindictive? It's not like you starved yourself down to 6 stone ffs. I hope your DH tells her to keep her uninformed mouth shut in the future. I'd probably have to distance myself from her to protect myself as comments like that can do real harm when you're already going through so much trauma.

Well done to you for getting down to a healthy weight and eating and exercising in a normal healthy way. It's exactly the behaviour you should be modelling.
I hope you're OK xx

Thanks everyone for the help re fluoxetine. Dd has always been dead against meds but the fact that she's open to it now makes me think that she does want to get better deep down.

@SwattyPie deep breathes! What an absolutely nasty and shitty thing to come out with. Nothing useful to say otherwise apart from well done on you!!!

@SwattyPie I guess that you already know this but maybe useful to hear it again - the AN is about your DD controlling her life, her anxieties and nothing to do with your healthy living. My DH is on the larger side, we called him funny (weight based) names - no way was this the trigger for DD's anorexia. Puberty, lockdown, adolescence, bullying and genetic disposition are the factors - your modelling healthy living is positive - same way that one parent engaged a PT instructor for her DD for a healthy body image and mindset.

Have a few deep breaths in the fresh air.

Wow! Lots to catch up on.

@Curlyhairedassasin - Sertraline and Fluoxetine are both anti-depressants, but sertraline is often prescribed for anxiety as well. My DD won't take meds now, but initially felt better on fluoxetine. One caveat, it did increase her self-harm compulsions a lot. This is a rare, but known, side effect, so worth watching out for.

@SwattyPie Definitely, definitely, definitely NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not torture yourself. And congratulations for getting to a healthy weight. Why do people say these things? My MIL once speculated that DD's depression could have been cause by her going to nursery, which 'is great for mums, not so great for babies'. She's generally a nice lady, but WTAF!

@GrannyRoberts , so pleased you got an admission. You know she'll be safe now. As @Girliefriendlikespuppies said, it did seem very negligent to leave your poor DD at home with those obs. Have you been able to visit the unit yet?

@myrtleWilson We didn't go in the end. DH has just come back from a week working abroad, so he was quite upset about not seeing her, but thought being sent away would be worse than not going. We have sent her a message to say that we respected that she wanted time to herself today, but were going to come 2x a week whatever, and will be coming on Tuesday, to which she said 'okay'.

@NanFlanders she's been admitted on medical grounds so we're on a medical ward all wired up to heart monitors and IV fluids. Had 2 ECGs. Hopefully she's safe and I'm very relieved but I'm angry that we had to fight so hard to get her properly medically checked over. I'm allowed to stay with her on this ward. I'm waiting for the doctor and camhs to come this morning and make some kind of plan. Turns out seeing anyone at a weekend is almost impossible!
Hopefully the transfer to the psych ward will be straight from here when she is medically stable.

@SwattyPie that's an awful thing for your MIL to say, and complete nonsense as I'm sure you know. My MIL is very well-intentioned but comes out with that kind of utter tosh too. It's pure ignorance. Not that I'm biased but just comparing my MIL to my DM who is currently working her way through Eva Musby's book, poring over the feast site and generally trying to understand as much as possible about this, my MIL just spouts her long-held ill-informed beliefs as gospel based on one family friend that had an eating disorder 30 years ago. Ignore ignore ignore.

Thanks all. I'm not going to let it get to me. She is well meaning in many ways, but also has no clue what she should or shouldn't say to people in general. I have counteracted it by having a 5km run at lunchtime 😂 I always try and run when DD is out so I'm not rubbing it in face. Often turn the ring doorbell off in case she sees me leaving...
@GrannyRoberts I'm so glad you are getting help for DD now. How is she feeling about it all? It must have been quite a shock for her to go from thinking she was coping fine to being admitted. I think my DD had PTSD when all the health officials got involved - she didn't have a clue that she was ill.

@SwattyPie good for you!
She's ok. I think she's finding it difficult as she doesn't feel ill so being confined to a bed/room is very frustrating for her. She's had a few meltdowns about it all but I think she is beginning to accept that she is ill. Her obs have been improving gradually so she's been taken off some of the monitors now which is a relief.

@GrannyRoberts
Glad that her obs are improving. That was us 2 months ago. HDU and monitors. loads if meltdowns and flying crockery in hospital (to the point where she was put in a single room where everyone was reinforced/behind tempered glass). We are home now and part time back to school though we are hitting some bumps in the road now but things are so much better than I imagined when we were in hospital. Hope you manage to look after yourself too. I lost a stone because I could eat with all the stress (all back on now including some comfort eating pounds).

hello all,
I'd like to apologise, as I became a lurker on here (and all prior threads) a few months ago in order to find more strategies to hide my own eating disorder from my family and friends. I am sorry I used your very well meaning resources and safe space with the intent to deceive and self destruct. Thankfully though, the more I read (and frankly worse I got) I realised I had to get better, and reading your posts became a sort of beacon of hope for my own recovery, and while I'm definitely not even close to there yet, I am very thankful to you all for that, and some of the mottos you lot recite are actually very helpful, and I wish all of you the best. Thanks and sorry again, -a teen sufferer of AN

@julesagainstana I love your username. Glad the thread has helped you. Do you know the organisation Beat? They also have some really helpful resources and a confidential helpline. Please do get some irl help too though - perhaps your parents and/or GP to start with. You've taken the first step by writing on here. Best wishes for your recovery - I know it's hard but no-one had ever regretted recovering from anorexia.

@julesagainstana
Do you have anyone you can talk you. Would it be possible to speak to your parents and to seek a referral? Recovering from AN is a very long and difficult process and it would probably help you a lot along the way if you have much support, especially from your family. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this alone.

@SwattyPie is it maybe that generation as well? My mil didn't believe us when DD was ill. When she was admitted to hospital mil told us the doctors were wrong

@NanFlanders @Curlyhairedassasin My parents inevitably found out and we talked about it which was quite helpful, and although I was unable to access help through the public system my parents were able to get me help through the private system and it's difficult but very beneficial :) thanks for the well wishes

Bloody Facebook memories. A beautiful photo of dd at a farm on holiday holding a baby chick. I sent it to her and said did she remember that holiday and she just replied 'Stop sending ugly photos of me'

She was 5 years old 😞

A shit day already and it's not even 8.30.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat That's so sad. Big hugs.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat sorry, what a horrible way to start the day. My DD refers to herself as ugly, even refers to her possessions as ugly. Before she was diagnosed (when we hadn't realised she was in the grips of her ED) I once said she looked tired, she replied that I was calling her ugly. We link the self hatred to the body dysmorphia. And those memories flashing up on the phone, I find them heart breaking.

I hope the day improves for you.

Thank you both.

Nomore dd also has dysmorphia. I can't say anything about her appearance without her taking it badly.

She needs proper therapy but says that no one will persuade her that she looks OK so what's the point. Camhs run a group for body image but she won't go because she doesn't want anyone to see her 🤦‍♀️

It's heartbreaking as she is just a normal looking girl but in her eyes she's hideous and she talks about getting surgery 😞

Hi all, we're currently away for a few days in Devon, weather is abysmal but we're having an okay time anyway.

Jules I'm glad the thread was helpful in terms of you choosing recovery rather than for tips to aid the ED. I'm not sure how old you are but I think the Tabitha Farrah stuff is quite good for older teens.

Bagpuss my dd is exactly the same, its really sad and frustrating. I don't really understand the self hatred stuff, what's the point In hating yourself? Especially over something as superficial as what you look like.