Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

My dds gains are very small and it often depends on being weighed before or after lunch. I'm relieved if she maintains and her obs are good. It's frustrating though.

Bizarrely, I took the cat to the vet today and had to stifle a snort when told she needs to lose weight.

Poor cat! I had the dog vomit on the kitchen floor during a meal the other day. That was a moment of irony. Oh, and we watched The Hunger Games together the other day.....

Hi everyone
@SwattyPie I admit to having a complex relationship with weigh in day. Whilst I wanted DD to have gained, I knew that the impact of having done so would be horrific for her as she'd get taken apart by the ED voice. It is hard when you know the path continues to be steep and painful but as @D1ANA22 said - weight gain isn't necessarily predictable.

Generally okay here although we had a very unexpected, out of the blue family bereavement on Sunday. Alongside the 'usual' emotions about losing a much loved family member, I know my anxiety has inched up a few notches as bereavement, grief and DD's odd compulsion that being sad is a weakness were all part of the cocktail that led us to full blown anorexia. Obviously DD is in a different place now (6 years older than when she had to cope with three significant bereavements in 18 months) but the death of our lovely cat in 2020 resurfaced all those complex emotions and hurtled us into the abyss (but as a positive - also these threads). So am anxious but trying to be an oasis of anti anxiety....

@SwattyPie as @D1ANA22 my D last week gained 250 grams for the first time in 3 weeks all while being on 5000 calories

@myrtleWilson i am sorry about your loss, I know it’s hard but do take time for yourself and although I don’t know the situation fully or the history I do think it has helped my D when me and my husband show that emotions negative and positive come and go and we can feel them and deal with them without reverting to unhealthy copping mechanism and they are a sad part of life.

myrtle sorry to hear of your loss. Sending you love and strength.

Dd has started refusing lifts from dh. She's pushed him away throughout her illness, but lifts has been one thing he can actually do to help. We share taking her to and from college as it's an hour round trip. Dh takes and I collect. She told me last night she will only go with me. Dh went out to start the car to warm it up as usual this morning but she refused to get in the car because she wants me to drive her. I feel its the ED attempting to drive a bigger wedge and being manipulative so I'm putting my foot down. No college today then and I'm feeling massively guilty.

This is all so exhausting and every day there's more and more crap to deal with.

Advent calendar untouched.

I should add that dh doesn't do anything annoying or upset her in any way in the car. She sits in the back with her headphones on. He feels like a taxi driver but he sucks it up because he wants to help. He really has had the patience of a saint throughout all this.

@myrtle sorry to hear of your loss, I hope the sad event is not a trigger for your DD.

@Whyisthishappeningtous DH was treated like a taxi driver for months. DD sat in the back of the car with headphones on, car doors slammed, it has improved - sits in the front now with the radio on. DD did refuse to get in the car once, we coaxed her until she did so. I believe you have done the right thing by not taking her to college - hard as it is, this is the ED trying to assert authority and normal parenting boundaries apply here. Frustrating but by breaking the ED rules it is one step at a time to normality.

sorry this may be insensitive I don’t mean it to be but only you will understand the gravity of this moment, D ate her advent calendars today the 1st time 3 years especially as she spent yet another 48 hours in hospital yesterday due to low heart rate and boood pressure. I had to leave as I started to well up but came back in the room to her little sister crying and hugging her.

Sorry * blood !

Lovewinter not at all! That's lovely to hear. These little bits of normality are incredibly precious. Bless her little sister, she sounds amazing 💖

@lovewinter - we understand how important these moments are. An early Xmas present.

Sorry to hear about the bereavement Myrtle I hope it doesn't trigger dd.

Yay for the advent calendar love!! Dd took hers out (Heroes advent calendar) and then said it's a crème egg one, I don't like crème eggs 🙄🙄🙄 which is bullshit as she does in fact love a crème egg!! So frustrating we're still here.

Why don't feel guilty you've done the right thing, that's definitely the ED throwing its weight around (maybe not the best turn of phrase 😂) and it's not fair on you or your dh.

It's up and down here as always, dd has had a better week at college which is good. She said that they had a lesson on nutrition Ystd and were told how terrible chocolate is for you 😡 they were also told it's 90 calories a square ffs. I'm so fed up with this sort of crap.

In dds favour she said she knew she was being triggered so she put in her headphones so she didn't have to listen to it!!

That's quite possibly the reason for the crème egg chocolate refusal today though 🙁

In a state of shock this morning - I suspect DD is self-harming again. Drops of blood in the bathroom and arms always covered. We approached her in April and her cuts, although quite superficial, were on the top of her legs, wrists and top of her arms. Then getting her to reveal this was really difficult, what is the best method to approach her to reveal any fresh cutting? I'm heart broken.

Oh @D1ANA22 I'm so sorry to hear this. No advice I'm afraid, as haven't been there, but couldn't read and run. Is there a specific trigger? Might she be panicking about Xmas?

Thanks @SwattyPie - there is probably anxiety around school (year 11 GCSE's). We don't make a big deal of Xmas or food. Question is - how do I make a 16 year old reveal her arms etc to me when they always hide under baggy clothes and are always resistant anyway.

It's so hard. I don't think there is a subtle way - I think it would have to come through a conversation where you expressed your concerns. Picking your moment carefully and letting her know you know. Maybe steering the conversation by assuming it IS happening "I'm sorry you are feeling like this again, I know what you have been doing to your body. I'm concerned that your cuts will need to be properly cleaned and dressed" etc rather than asking if she has. That way she doesn't need to admit anything. Of course it would be great if she adamantly denied it and showed you to prove it. Did she open up to you last time?

Sorry to hear this D1ANA22 Talking about it is really difficult but it needs to be out in the open. I found out at dds assessment when the therapist asked her directly. I was so shocked as had no idea. She didn't want to talk about it but I said we'd need to check for infection. Her scratches were superficial and it hasn't occurred again but we take no chances with blades in the house. We just have a couple of old blunt knives and scissors for cooking. Dh has locked the rest in the shed. We don't use razors.

I got dd some hair bands to snap on her wrists and some stress balls and fidget toys as a distraction for the overwhelming feelings, as recommended by the therapist.

It might be worth looking online to get some specific advice about self-harm. I'm the first to admit I handled it all wrong when I first found out, got upset, went on to dd, removed all blades (this is a debatable thing, I've had differing advice on this) and so on. Now I follow the advice I've been given from her therapist and online, which is to accept (but not to like) that this is both an expression of distress and a coping method, treat it matter of factly (so 'you've got some bandages on your arms', would you like help with dressing that'), buy in dressings/antiseptic/sudocream so they can keep things clean. We have also done things to prevent, like distraction, having a nice memory box, therapy, anti-d's with varying levels of success. My dd didn't self-harm for about six months, but her ED flared in that time, make of that what you will, I have always felt the purging aspect of ED is similar in function to self-harm (plus it is actually a form of harm); it's a maladaptive habitual coping mechanism we want them to stop! She self-harms very occasionally now by scratching/scraping, so removing blades/scissors is not recommended by her therapist, but I have heard differing opinions on this (I would look at online advice from a reputable charity); CAMHS said remove. Even the experts don't agree.

So worrying, so stressful. We can talk about it now, I wouldn't say openly, but enough to be able to help if it happens again, which it occasionally does.

Thanks @Buteverythingsfine @SwattyPie and @Whyisthishappeningtous - DH and I told DD that we would be having a chat this evening - she whispered 'F you' under her breath at me. We will have the chat and ask for all honesty, but if she denies it how do we go about this, how do we confront something that she denies (just like when the anorexia started and she denied her restriction). DH exposed this last time in April, got DD in the car and said he was taking her to A&E, only then did she reveal that she was cutting. Is there a more gentle way for us to find out if she is cutting that works?

I would not both speak with her, I'd talk one on one with the parent she gets on with the best, and go very softly softly. She isn't doing this because it's fun, or against you, and probably doesn't even know why she does, except it's a common (these days) way to express her upset and release some emotion/stress. She's probably quite ashamed and embarrassed. I wouldn't go for the direct challenge, I would go for more of a 'I'm a bit concerned about you, I've noticed the bandages on your arms' type chat. If you think they warrant medical attention/A and E, then it might be a bit different, my dd's don't, so really the aim is to minimise the harm from this, and open a future dialogue.

Also, does she have a therapist/hospital staff she gets on with? I would flag this to her ED team as well, even if you are not 100% sure, they usually like to know. My dd's was noticed by her team this week at the weigh-in (bandages) so it's recorded on the system and taken into account of when they are trying to assess mood. It's so horrible for you as well, it's something I really struggle with accepting as a parent (I mean accepting even happens, I don't accept it's inevitable or anything).

Thanks @Buteverythingsfine DH has a soft touch and DD does manipulate and lie to him. I think that we will have to both speak to DD. She hates her ED therapist - we'll go softly but I do have a need to know if she is doing it and she won't tell us if she is.

Dd ate her advent choc at lunch after a lot of coaxing but left a few grapes - I expect to compensate. But that tiny 12 cals of chocolate is a win I guess.

She's not been great the last few days. She's eating but only just enough but has very low mood. It's just endless ups and downs. I feel such a failure as this is dragging on and on.

Dd hasn't had meds. I've asked at camhs appointments but don't get anywhere. Do your dc get meds via camhs or from the gp? I'm not sure if it's worth getting her a gp appointment. She's very low and I'm sure she should be offered something to help. Wfh is 86% if that makes any difference.

@Whyisthishappeningtous does she see a psychiatrist? That was the key to my DD getting prescribed fluoxetine, and it's made a noticeable difference to her mood.

@D1ANA22 I'm so sorry about your DD. Mine has also selfed harmed in the last week after about a month of being able to control it. It was after her ED appointment and I didn't find out until she told her therapist (who then had a duty of care to tell me).