Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

Sorry I haven't been back. Dd wfh is now 86%. She's never really lost her periods. The last one was very heavy and painful and probably affected weight gain. I asked her yesterday if she feels counselling for her dysmorphia might help. She shrugged her shoulders, so if shes not 100% for it then I guess it will need to wait. I'm still hoping more weight gain will somewhat eradicate the dysmorphia but as it's what triggered the restricting I'm guessing that won't be the case. I'm also wondering if maturity will help as I know from experience that obsession over looks does often ease as they get into uni and work and generally having their world opened up more. I'm not saying dysmorphia is simply teen vanity, but it's something lots of teens do experience to varying degrees and in this world of perfection online it's never been harder for them. These are those thoughts I get at 3am!

Anyway, for now it's still all about getting the food in. Dd has made some social plans for the weekend including lunch, which generally has me on edge, but I'm going with the flow as she needs to be out and about with her friends and if that means a slight drop in cals for that day, so be it.

@magnummum so sorry. I really hope posting on here helps. There are so many experienced posters here to give you support ❤️

I was with her when she legged it! We’d gone for a wander - where she found the strength to get out of her wheelchair and run I don’t know but she’s really fast - wiped out for the rest of the day obviously. They won’t keep her in much longer as she’s on an acute paediatric ward and her results have been continually fine so “physically she’s ok!”.

CAMHS have said she will be assigned “intensive support” so I’m just bracing myself for discharge and boomeranging.

Unfortunately I will lose my job, I’m really worried about the effect on my other two children - her older sister had OCD which was well managed but she isn’t coping with this and Dd has a twin brother.

How have you all managed the balance between respecting their privacy with regards to diagnosis and the need for support from friends and preserving your sanity.

We live in a village with a close network of friends - I’ve already had to cancel several social events and just said she’s in hospital which is fine, I’m avoiding the what’s happened questions - do I just lie?She will need a wheelchair when she first comes home….won’t be at school, won’t be going on the school ski trip with her siblings next month.

Obviously don’t need the whole world to know but not sure what alternative to spin to people we see a lot.

Also any tips on visitors when trying to establish FBT at home ? Are they the carrot? And how do you manage usually very involved grannies who are so not on the same page as DH and I.

Sorry for all the random questions / my brain is a bit mashed today. X

@mamagnummum I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. We are in full denial here, and I seem to be collecting new mental health labels for her. We've added clinical depression, body dysmorphia and anhedonia now - the inability to feel pleasure. DD is so depressed and I think, feels that if she feels any happier, it would be the same as agreeing she wanted to get better. Starting on Fluoxetine tomorrow - anyone offer any glimmer of hope that this might help? (Positives only please, I can't take any negs)

Magnum if you don't feel you can keep dd safe at home then don't feel pressured into accepting her discharge. If nothing else you need time to gear up at home to prepare for her discharge, things like getting the wheelchair, getting the food in, ensuring the house is as safe as possible (windows and doors locked, medications etc locked away...)

Personally I think tell a few trusted friends and colleagues, you are going to need support and anorexia shouldn't be seen as some secret not to be told. That said be prepared for some ignorance as people, often well meaning, will say some annoying things at times. I've had 'she'll grow out of it' 'all teens are funny about their weight' 'it's all about control' 'what do you think happened to cause it?' 🤨🤨🤨

With family I sent an email out with do's and dont's things like do not comment on dds appearance, do not tell her she's doing well, do not talk to her about food, do not expect her to want to talk to you etc

Can you take a period of sick leave from work? I appreciate that's not an option for everyone.

Apparently anorexia is very common in twins for some reason.

Swatty I'm sorry things are so tough, I know lots of here have had amazing results with medications and antidepressants so hopefully it will help turn things around for your dd.

I had thought we were doing okay here but when I was putting some clothes away in dds wardrobe I found a stash of uneaten snacks 😫 so frustrating. I find myself seriously wondering if we'll ever be free of this.

@SwattyPie DD has been on fluoxetine for nearly 4 weeks now, and I'm starting to see glimmers of her old self returning. I know it can take up to 3 months for full effects, but fingers crossed it does seem to be working

@magnummum I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. It sounds traumatic. Echo what everyone else has said about keeping her there if possible. Trying to find a positive (and excuse me if this sounds glib), but looking back the beginning of the recovery came after DD spent a couple of nights in the paediatric A&E. They were useless at feeding her ('oh don't worry if you don't fancy eating, just have some squash') but DD felt in some way validated by the doctors being so worried about her. Until that point she didn't feel like a 'real' anorexic because she wasn't on a drip, hadn't actually fainted, bloods were normal etc. They have this fear of not being a 'proper' anorexic and it was useful for us to say, well the NHS doesn't just keep people in for fun do they?

We have always been very open about DD's ED - I think it blossoms in the shade of shame and I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. It helps in our case that there's such a clear genetic link (husband has two nieces via two sisters, both severely anorexic). The only way I could cope was by talking to friends about it, though I kept it from my parents for ages - they were useless anyway and it churned up lots of unhappy teenage memories for me.

But as @Girliefriendlikespuppies says be prepared for some incredibly stupid remarks! 'Have you tried milkshakes?', 'did you know avocados are really calorific?', 'I bet it would help if she did some weights'.

@magnummum I echo about not keeping it a secret but be prepared for some ignorant comments, some of my favourites are, "does she know she needs to eat to survive?" , "you give her too much attention just leave her to it she will soon snap out of it" , "send her to spend a few nights with me she will eat for me"

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I am sorry about the snacks, a nurse once said to be you can only take your foot off the pedal pushing in fats and calories when despite prephas feeling full they wouldn't have any mental distress at voluntarily eating 5,000 calories a day regardless of weight, regardless of any WFH. She said this to me in response to me worrying when my D was weight restored that I was being a bit overkill making her eat snacks and monitoring intake etc but a release later proved to me that you really need to push past all eating disorder behaviours to make a full recover and prevent relapse or sampling living with it. I am not suggesting by the way that you have taken your foot off the pedal by the way just wanted to share as I became too complacent in thinking weight was a marker for recovery when it was clearly not in my Ds case. Also have you asked why she didn't have the snacks, as it may be innocent I know hard to believe but you have to be hopeful!

@SwattyPie I' m sorry things are so awful, my D has never been on fluxotine but I have heard some really positive stories about it, I think if I am correct I listened to a beat ambassador talk about the positives of it, it may still be up on the website.

My in laws are lovely people but when dh or I go to visit they give us 'Sweets for dd to cheer her up! She won't be able to resist these!'
I bear them no malice at all because they are elderly and it is a baffling illness that is hard to explain, but it all adds to the constant exasperation.

Just fell out with DD over a flippin' carrot baton. She'll hold this against me all night now. (I won). FFS!

Talking of things clueless people have said reminds me of a particularly frustrating conversation I had with a friend. She basically said what I should do is completely ignore dd not eating as the more attention I pay to it the worst dd will be....

She was then put out when I said that's not really an option 🤦‍♀️

Dds come home from college in tears twice this week, she's really struggling socially and it's like deja vu from every new school year throughout her life. It's so hard.

@magnummum it shouldn't matter which ward she is on - if she can't stand without fainting then surely she's not safe to be home. Insist on a second opinion. She could always move wards if needed. Your dd also needs to see how serious this is. If they let her go home she will think that there's nothing to worry about.

I'm having a self pity party. Sorry.
Does anyone wonder how it all went wrong?
I'm a very introverted person but always tried really hard to always give dd a social life and pushed myself to meet with friends, have play dates, do loads of clubs, even the dreaded sleepovers. I remember walking into a baby group when she was two weeks old feeling utter dread but I went every week because I wanted her to mix with people. She was so outgoing and wanting to be with people all the time, and I was the opposite but I did as much as I could. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe my personality squashed hers down and caused all this. She keeps saying our life is boring and we're boring parents and her friends all have better lives with cousins and loads of people round all the time.
I can't help but wonder what she'd be like if she had been born into a family full of extroverts and fun with loads of siblings and cousins and mad aunties..
I've done a shit job. I've let her down badly and should probably never have been a mum.

@why it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It really is not your fault. Please believe that and be kind to yourself x

@Whyisthishappeningtous we are a family of extroverts, and my dd still has an eating disorder! It doesn't work like that. At least 50% of this is genetic. Eating disorders have been described in history and internationally, even in countries where being bigger is valued. It is a mental health issue that tends to emerge in adolescence, and is co-morbid with other MH issues (so having depression/anxiety). I'm not saying there's never a trigger, or trauma, or personality type connected with it too, but it's like saying why are teenagers more prone to depression or self-harm, the answer is they just are, and it's surprisingly common. It is nothing you have done or failed to do, it really is very unlucky.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies i can relate to that and was going to ask if anyone has any advice as my D doesn’t have friends only one who lives 6 hours away and she just says she is so different to everyone she doesn’t relate and can’t fit it so she finds it hard to motivate her to recover as obviously we will spend time with her and do nice things as rewards/incentives but she is really wants friends or just a friend who she can enjoy and look forward to spending time with but she has only had that once and sadly she moved abroad

My experience is also those who are neurodiverse are more likely to have ED, it plays into a lot of the ED problems (e.g. black and white thinking, hyperfocus). Again, you are not to blame if your child is neurodiverse, nor if they have an ED.

@Whyisthishappeningtous it is not your fault please don’t blame your self

@Whyisthishappeningtous definitely not your fault. We all go through thinking this though.

Why would you feel like it was your fault if your dd developed some other brain based disorder? Bipolar or schizophrenia?

Anorexia is a biological illness very similar to other forms of psychosis and it is caused by weight loss and genetics. It can literally effect** anyone.

It is not your fault, there is nothing you have done that has caused it and there is nothing you could have done differently to prevent it.

I think as parents we always think 'what if?' I certainly think maybe if dd had had her dad around things would be different 😕 sadly though I don't think so. Dd told me the other day when she was around 10yo she had fantasies about cutting her (perfect) stomach off 😥 there was an inevitability about the ED coming in one way or another.

Love it's so hard isn't it, dd did make some good friends at her secondary school in the last couple of years but they've now gone to a different college. She's been experiencing some low level bullying and nastiness this week so I've emailed the tutor to ring me. Honestly does it ever stop? I really thought college would be different.

Thank you everyone, it really does help put it in perspective. Dd often complains that our home/car/life isn't good enough which really gets into my head. Maybe its her way off offloading how she feels about herself right now but she's always been a glass half empty person. Dh and I work so hard to provide a comfortable life, holidays etc and it's a kick in the teeth when she says it's not good enough. I blame bloody instagram and the images of perfect lives. Hopefully she'll look back when she's older and remember being secure and loved and that it was enough.

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish the ED behaviour from being a run-of-the-mill horrible ingrate teen. It's not your fault, it's not any of our faults. It's a genetic disposition with a trigger (adolescence, social media, the lockdowns etc). When they're rude to us it's their own self-hatred coming out. In a way, it's a compliment that they feel so secure in our love and support that they can be so unpleasant.

I think it's also fine to push back though and point out (calmly) rudeness or ingratitude. I've had a bit of 'everyone else's house/car/holidays is bigger' over the years and it comes from a place of immaturity. It's fine to tell them that you have done your best, and that once they are earning, they can make different choices. Don't take it on or internalise it. I think sometimes when teens are very ill with ED or self-harm or depression it's easy to think you have to put up with rudeness so as not to upset the apple cart but I think it's fine to assert that what they are saying is upsetting for you and not to be rude as a matter of course (other replies 'oh, you can write about that in your book' 'oh dear, what a shame, I'd love a bigger house too'). the odd outburst, fine, constant rudeness not ok. you are not there to be kicked constantly.

@Whyisthishappeningtous and @Valleyofthedollymix i agree I think sometimes the Ed amplified any unpleasant tennage behaviour that would occur regardless of the ED.

@Whyisthishappeningtous if it makes you feel any better my D has been angry with me and her dad because in her own words ‘she has had a too privileged upbringing so she doesn’t have a justification for her ED therefore she is clearly just broken’

Oh God love that's funny (sorry!!) My dd likes to blame me for all her problems as well, I don't take much notice and remind her she is very lucky in lots of ways, she's had a happy childhood and while I accept I might not be perfect, I could be a lot worse!

I think it's easy to be gaslit by them tbh and dd will try to rewrite history which I won't accept.

Like valley said they're angry and frustrated and unfortunately we're the easiest target. The ED definitely amplified the less pleasant aspects of dds personality unfortunately.

Hello everyone - any top tips for dealing with bloating and abdominal pain when during weight restoration? Or any idea how long it lasts (I know everyone is different)?

DD14 is having awful problems (honestly looks 6 months pregnant with the swelling) and is curled up howling in agony every night in pain with stomach cramps. This is obviously distressing for her. It's been 8 weeks now since she started trying to increase her calories and she is rapidly beginning to lose faith in my assurance that this is normal and will sort itself out as her body adapts.

We've trying regular yoga stretches, peppermint capsules, not leaving too long between meals and spreading her food out over 6 portions a day. And she permanently has a hot water bottle strapped to her front.