Teen Eating Disorders - Thread 6

[myrtleWilson]

Hello everyone, and welcome to anyone looking at these threads for the first time..

Here is a link to thread 5 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4360801-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-5

We've seen such an increase in young people facing eating disorders and these threads are testament to that.

With that in mind, we thought we'd try to include at the start of each thread some resources that have helped us along the way to date. No one resource will be a panacea but hopefully this list will be a useful starting off point for any newcomers and a reflection for others. It is our first go at sharing a list of resources on a thread so it won't be perfect!

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

anorexiafamily.com/?v=79cba1185463

www.youtube.com/evamusby

www.youtube.com/channel/UCa7G1P5WQopVMc9qTSP_lgA

www.orri-uk.com

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/

www.stgeorges.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Junior-MARSIPAN-Risk-Assessment-Framework.pdf

Thank you for your reply.

She knows all those things, she is going to study nursing so biology is her strong point, she knows everything there is to know about nutrition but her mental health is abviously quite bad at the moment so she cannot see logically.
I am going to try for a week to feed her up a bit as she is acepting food when we give it to her ( I just hope she is not throwing uand then I am going to have to figure out a way to get her to the doctor.

Her dad ( not my husband) will not accept it either and thinks we can fix it. I have scren shot one of the messages about heart failure here and sent it to him.

So just tried talking to her there, pleading with her and she told me that if we bring her to hospital that she will just sign herself out. I asked her did she realise that she could die and she just told me she is an adult and can do what she wants.

So hard @Snuggleworm. Would these screenshots convince her dad that action is needed?

And these?

Thank you but he won't listen either.

He has actually just messaged me there to day that I am to leave her alone as she is on the verge of a mental breakdown having to listen to me. She phoned him and told him to tell me to leave her alone.

I am sitting here in floods of tears I don't know what to do. My relationship with her is ruined. She said she will go live with her dad and the thing is he will just let her go on and continue this madness.
I wish I never had had her. I am going to lose her anyway. Sorry about the dramatics but it is how I feel at the moment.

Snuggle I'm sorry this is so hard, this illness is shit in every single way. Please take comfort in the fact that where you are now is the hardest part of the journey and that recovery is definitely possible.

I would call your dds bluff, put rules in place about how much she needs to eat and if she decides to go and live with her dad that's a risk you'll have to take. My instinct is she knows that would be a disaster for her so she will threaten it but not actually do it (I obviously don't know your dd but I do know ED tactics they use to get parents to back off!!)

If you suspect purging tell your dd there's a no toilet rule for an hour after eating.

If your dd truly believes there's nothing wrong with her then she won't object to seeing a Dr then?! 😉 Use whatever leverage you can to get her to eat and don't be scared to put her in the car and drive to the Drs or a&e.

It sounds unlikely I know at this point but your dd wants your help, she is probably scared shitless and also really hungry!! She needs you to force her to eat as she hasn't got the strength at the moment.

Don't lose heart your dds in there I promise.

She would prob go to her dads no problem as he indulges every whim. If she doesn't want to eat he would prob just go with what she wants.
I tried this morning and said to her that maybe she should just go for blood tests to see why she is losing the weight and she said she can make her own appointments and at the moment she doesn't feel she needs to go to a doctor. She just says she has no appetite at the moment. I even said to her " look at what you are putting us through but she doesn't care.
How can I even get her to get in to the car to take her? I am so angry with her too. Like I get it is a mental illness, I tried tell her everything I have seen here in the messages but she still will not listen.
I have cried all morning and I am also trying to work at the same time. I am not sleeping.

I know nobody has answers for me but thanks for even listening.

I'm so sorry @Snuggleworm Most of us have been in very similar situations. You will get your relationship with her back once she is well.
It is the illness speaking to you. Internally she will probably be begging for help but that voice inside is just too strong to ignore atm.
I wish I knew what to suggest.

It is so tough where you are right now @Snuggleworm. Has her Dad looked on websites like BEAT? Maybe as a last resort you can agree with him a level at which he has to act - so for example if she faints, if a capillary nail refill check is longer than 2 seconds, if she eats less than she ate yesterday.

Do you know what I'm so annoyed with him on your behalf that I would gladly ring him and make him listen to what its like when it gets very dangerous and describe the night I really thought DD may die.😡

That said, I think @Girliefriendlikespuppies is right, she probably won't want to go or stay there very long. Your actual daughter is still in there and she's desperate to find a way back to you.

Thank you

Oh God, that is awful for you :( it is such a worry.How is your daughter now? How long before you noticed and how long before you took action? Did she let you help her?
So many questions here but I am just so worried.

And thank you for offering to ring DD's dad. He is on a different planet. He would prob still try to convince you otherwhise so this is what I am up against as well as DD rejecting any help.

@Snuggleworm gosh what a very difficult situation for you. Its terrifying when you first realise something is wrong. I remember it well.
I totally understand your anger, grief and frustration at your ex and DD. You will be in shock. Allow yourself to cry etc and then find your big girl pants! And I mean that kindly. You need very big big girl pants. And we are here to help.keep them up.
So here is what helped me. You need to treat the ED as separate to your DD. Try to think of it as a terrorist who has taken refuge in your DDs brain. She is NOT responsible for her actions or thoughts. Everything she does and thinks is controlled 100% by the ED. Many sufferers describe the ED as a voice (not all but many) which constantly berates, bullies and shouts.
Your DD has not lost her understanding of biology she is just unable to use it as to do so contravenes what the ED is telling her. And she is powerless against it.
The others are right that your DD is in there. But she is powerless and held hostage.
Tbh I would call her bluff. I am not sure at the moment what else you can do. Explain that although she does not believe it you KNOW she is ill. Seriously ill and as her mum YOU CANNOT sit by and not act. That would be impossible for you. Explain that you have researched a lot and asked for help from people who have been there and you are empowered with that knowledge and know you need to act. Don't plead just state your case.
Then calmly explain that from tomorrow you will sit with her at every meal and help her eat.
Then follow through. Make her unthreatening yet as calorie rich meals as possible and sit with her whilst she eats. However long that takes.
She may decide to act on her threat and move to her dad's.
But I think you have to risk that because if you give in to the ED you will lose her anyway. She is in part already lost but you CAN get her back.
We could have lost our DD to a heart issue at any point in the 3 months of her lowest weight, so badly was it affected. I could not sit by and not act. She was younger but even so..
Please ask her dad to read the Beat website. Plead with him cry whatever it takes.
You CANNOT back off an ED it is entirely the wrong thing to do. And she is not on 'the verge of a mental collapse' that has already happened when the terrorist moved in and took over. Now she is on the verge of a physical collapse. He needs to understand that.

Good advice from Lotts - I'd only suggest that in our experience I needed to reframe away from a terrorist to more a kidnapper that my DD had developed Stockholm syndrome so she wanted to stay with the kidnapper - I had treated the ED like the enemy until I finally realised that DD was so emeshed with the ED even she couldn't tell the difference between her voice and that of the ED. Once I could understand that however much I hated the notion, that in some way the ED was giving DD something she hadn't got elsewhere, then we were able to 'reframe the fight'. It truly was a lightbulb moment for me in supporting her when she was ready to recover.

Eva Musby is a good resource in how she supported her younger teen, but also have a look at Tabitha Farrar who supports adults in recovery but I think also is a read across into late teens.

There are lots and lots of similarities in ED spirals and recovery and we can give you tips to look out for and some our experiences won't work for you but others will - you do find your own path to some extent - I can't remember who said it on here but it was very apt 'we're swimming alongside them keeping their head above water until they make the decision to swim for themselves"

I agree everyone has their own path. Dds ED was def a terrorist @myrtleWilson DD's wasn't but thinking of the ED as separate is in my view very helpful for us as carers. It's hard not to take the behaviours of the caree personally until you do that.
Having said that i still lost it with DD occasionally as we are only human. But if you keep reminding yourself it's the illness not the person shouting/ belittling/ hitting/ abusing / treating you with disdain/ lying to you it helps your sanity!!!!

Oh absolutely @Lottsbiffandsmudge - I think its about managing three relationships - you (generic you)and DC, you and the ED, and the ED and DC - am not sure enough time is spent in CAMHS helping carers and sufferers understand the triangulation going on - perhaps if there was more therapeutic input into that alongside the focus on the family 'taking control' there may be more progress made - that said, I completely accept that to get to the level of cognition needed to have an understanding of those trilateral relationships requires an absolute focus on food first.

Hi I'm sorry I keep dropping out. @mahjongmonkey do feel free to PM me with sex, date of birth, height and weight (also the date of the weight/height if not that day).

DD1 is in a bad place. She's still almost weight restored (dropped a little bit just below the target range set by her Psychiatrist) but she's feeling quite suicidal. We've decided to change from fluoxetine to sertraline but of course, she has to stop one before starting the other, so she's really very low. She refused to go to the clinic point blank when we were on a video call to the psychiatrist, so she is going to come and visit us at home next week.

Oh @Lougle I hope things improve for her x

Oh Lougle I'm really sorry to hear that.

I liken dds relationship with her ED to being in an emotionally abusive relationship, the ED is a lot like a toxic boyfriend in lots of respects. He can be nice, appear useful and supportive but underneath it all he actually wants to control dd and destroy her confidence. He lies, gaslights and bullies her on a daily basis 😢

It's just getting dd to see it for what it is that's the problem!!

Only getting a chance to read messages now as I was at work all day.

I tried bring it up with my DD's dad and reccommended that he read that BEATS website and he told me he would be doing no such thing and that it is my actions and nagging that has DD the way she is.

I can see why he's an ex snuggle 🙄

Hi all. Bit stuck and just need to vent ! We are on holiday. DD has already fainted and whacked her head on the bathroom floor. Spent night in a and e , luckily no damage. Now she has tonsilitis to add to it.
trying to get as much water down her as possible as doctor said she’s dehydrated probably, but she’s terrible with fluids. Food a battle but that’s nothing new! Today she is already feeling dizzy every time she stands up

Ohyou poor thing. How old is your DD?
I am ony new here as DD not diagnosed or anything.
Can I ask a question? So does your DD openly admit this is an issue? we are at the stage where my DD is hiding it and in denial. Telling lies about what she ate but we know she didn't.

Hello, I’m not sure if anyone will remember me but my daughter was very poorly last summer and through autumn and early this year. At her lowest wfh she was just 42 kg 78% wfh. She’s now 55kg and gaining each week. I haven’t been on much lately as life slowly started to get back to normal. I wanted to give a bit of an update and also hopefully provide some hope to others who are maybe at the beginning of this awful journey.

my daughter is now 97% wfh. We don’t follow a meal plan, she eats freely and enjoys her food again. I’ve hardly seen her over the holidays, she’s been to a festival and away with her friends. She eats all the foods she did prior to the anorexia and even asks for seconds. We’re still extremely vigilant and we weigh her most weeks but not every, we don’t see much of the Ed team as her nurse is off sick at the moment. The turning point for us really came when she got to 90%, it was as if something just clicked within her brain. She says she sometimes hears the Ed voice but it’s not loud and she can easily ignore it. Still a little way to go but overall things are looking good.
I have to admit I was sceptical of the refeeding treatment plan but for my daughter it seems to have worked. I hope this post gives hope to those going through really hard times. X

She is diagnosed and aware. She lies a lot still. She’s 17. She receives help in the UK. However she seems to have gone totally ‘in her Ed ‘ since on holiday. Recovery to her right now seems to be totally absent. Unsure how worried I should be regarding physical health right now

@Bettybarkalot123 Thanks so much for posting. I love stories like this. My DD was diagnosed in February and was readmitted to hospital for the 4th time just over a week ago. She is really struggling at the moment - was doing ok at home until some random boys called her 'fat' (she's very thin) and filmed her - which led her to start seriously restricting again, as well as refusing to leave the house. She was admitted to hospital about a week later. Refusing about half her meals and has just started refusing shakes too. Also refusing her olanzapine and therapy. I'm feeling a bit helpless at the moment, so it's really good to hear stories of kids turning it around.

@NanFlanders oh I’m so glad it’s been a help for you and I’m so sorry to hear your daughter is poorly. My daughter started taking fluoxetine 20mg in December and that was a game changer for us, although she says it’s made no difference. She’ll come off it in December which I’m a bit anxious about but I’ve been reassured by the psychiatrist that she’ll be fine.

I used to had double cream to my daughters oat milk and although she knew towards the end, I’d she didn’t see me do it, the anorexia couldn’t bully her. I really think that sounds or cream saved her life sometimes.

I hope you’re daughter starts to pick up soon, it’s the most horrifically cruel illness isn’t it. X