Teen Eating Disorders - Thread 6

[myrtleWilson]

Hello everyone, and welcome to anyone looking at these threads for the first time..

Here is a link to thread 5 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4360801-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-5

We've seen such an increase in young people facing eating disorders and these threads are testament to that.

With that in mind, we thought we'd try to include at the start of each thread some resources that have helped us along the way to date. No one resource will be a panacea but hopefully this list will be a useful starting off point for any newcomers and a reflection for others. It is our first go at sharing a list of resources on a thread so it won't be perfect!

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

anorexiafamily.com/?v=79cba1185463

www.youtube.com/evamusby

www.youtube.com/channel/UCa7G1P5WQopVMc9qTSP_lgA

www.orri-uk.com

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/

www.stgeorges.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/Junior-MARSIPAN-Risk-Assessment-Framework.pdf

Are you abroad? Can you come home early?

Betty I love that update!! I remember your early posts and I think you're a fab example of how for some teens all they need is food and weight gain. I also feel like double cream saved my dds life 😁 at one point I was getting through nearly a tub a day!!

I think with my dd her rigid thinking and stubbornness are now the only things holding her back, she's over 100% wfh, no fear foods but still will not eat freely. It's beyond frustrating but I live in hope that the switch will go on in her head one day.

Nan I'm so sorry your dd is so poorly, it makes me so angry that a careless, untrue comment by a couple of idiots can cause so much anguish. It's so unfair.

Great to hear positive updates. My dd is still in denial although she went to the beach yesterday with some friends and her ex boyfriend texted me to say she ate a sandwich and low fat crsips and a bottle of water from Texco meal deal and also some chicken Nuggets and ice cream later on. He knows how worried I am and keeps an eye on her and lets me know. AS he is too. The resaon she broke up with him as because he had noticed her behaviours and tried to get her to eat all the time.

I feel we are at the very very start of this though and she will restirct more and more as the time goes on. She came home last night and was looking for the articicial sweeteners for her tea ( I threw them in the bin) and would not use sugar then, just threw the tea out.
Yesterday was a good day foodwise but most days she eats nothing. I sent her a message yesterday ( trying to communicate face to face ends in tears) and this is what I said

"So,I know it isn't easy to have a conversation with you at the moment about what's going on.
I want to draw a line in what has gone on and want to help you because I am really worried about your health.
We both know that things are not right. We both know that you are restricting calories. We both know you are lying about what you are eating to everyone. We both know it has been going on for months.
I am going to stop trying to monitor what you are eating as you are an adult. But I really want to help as you are doing irreversible damage to your body. I also think you running straight to dad the minute you don't like what I'm saying is a little bit immature for an adult.
I'm going to give you a day or 2 to think about things and get back to me about how you feel you will want help as you can't do this yourself. It's too difficult to.
I love you and want to help but it is having a very bad effect on my own health too.
So as I said,have a think about it and get back to me when you have time. You can go to gp and get bloods etc to see what is wrong,why you have no appetite or you can start to eat.
Without being cruel or harsh, if you want to live here ( and please
of course I want you to) you are going to have to go see the doctor first to help you) or unfortunately you will have to move to dad's.
As I said,I will give you a few days to think about things. I feel very very sorry for you as this is very difficult for you as you are not too well. I love you and want to help"

What is the double cream thing? My dd doesn't take any dairy anyway and has even stopped oatmilk or butter. Maybe if I could just get extra calories in to her. The thing is she knows very single thing there is to know about nutrition and would know every single calorie in every food so it is really difficult to try fool her or add calories without her knowing.

@Snuggleworm double cream has 140 calories in just two tablespoons. I started adding it slowly and by the end she was having about 300 mls every two days.

I just found food wrapped up in a tissue in my DD's wardrobe so I confronted her and she told me it is werid that I am going through her wardrobe. She also said again that he is an adult and that for the first time in her life she is happy with her body and Ihave an issue.

I exlained that we are very very worried at this stage and she has a choice to go speak to somone or we will have to go to drastic measures.

She said she i eating enough and will not lose anymore weight, I said she will have to eat more in order to do so. She asked could we talk about it tomorrow and she admitted that there is an issue but says that if we involve anyone else that she will go the opposite.

I am at my lowest point and cannot even eat myself because of the stress. What can I do now?

Hi @Snuggleworm - sorry to hear where you are at. I know it’s not much consolation but we have been at that low point but there is no reason why things won’t improve for your DD, but I must say it is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. The Eating Disorder makes your daughter lie, manipulate, hide things and deceive - underneath your daughter is ashamed doing these things but she is being bullied into doing it by the Eating Disorder. Whilst she is an adult, rational thinking is out and so is logic, we have to treat our daughter as if she is a toddler with supervised eating - showing the eating disorder that you are boss. It is distressing for DD and distressing for you but it is the only way - it feels foreign to order your independent teenager around but you must take control, and use what ever means you have - leverage over privileges, phones, further education - these threats will be met with hostility but you have to. It is not easy, our house has been smashed up, I have been hit and kicked and sworn at - my DD is scared of losing her Eating Disorder as it helps her cope with her anxieties - but it is a maladaptive coping mechanism and could kill her (my DD was admitted to hospital).

And for your own mental health, you will cry, you will despise your DD - but it is the Disorder that is fighting you not your DD. Take one day at a time, look for the positives in the day and when things go wrong you have to move on - you will build up a resilience you probably did not know you had.

This group is so supportive, friends in real life don’t realise how hard it is.

The Eating Disorder is devious, food spat into handkerchiefs is not uncommon, making herself sick, over exercising, use of laxatives - you have to be on alert and it is exhausting and heartbreaking to see your DD doing this to themselves. Without intervention it won’t just pass - it has to be dealt with head on, I’ve seen on this group mums refer to ‘putting on their big girl pants’ and it is exactly that, taking control as your DD can’t yet.

And I wish you luck. We are 10 months since diagnosis and things are going a lot better than then, and we are better equipped now to deal with the Eating Disorder. If your DD had cancer you would make sure she took her medicine to save her life, now food is her medicine and it is so important.

Sorry if this sounds preachy, it is advice I have received and I think is invaluable - I wish I had found this thread before my daughter got so ill she needed to be hospitalised - her GP and CAMH let my daughter down, I have had far more help from fellow mumsnetters.

Thanks so much for replying.

I just wish I could get her to the stage where she accepts help. This is the difficult part. By me making her eat, she will just hide the food.
I do not have any evidence of her making herelf sick yet but she has used laxatives before claiming it was because she had constipation.

She said she will talk to me tomorrow as she is going out for a friends birthday tonight and does not want to be upset but I think when tomorrow comes around, she won't talk. It doesn't help that her dad is in denial too.

How do I force an 18 year old to eat? How did I only notice how bad it was until now? Why the hell did I not just get a normal child. I see all my firends with kids with no issues that just seem to sail through life.

I know I am feeling sorry for myself but she has put us through hell since she became a teen with lots of other issues. It sounds really selfish of me but I wish I had never become a parent.

Snuggle you have to learn to separate the ED from your dd, this is absolutely fundamental in being able to help her because otherwise you will just blame her and feel angry. The ED is not your dd it is just controlling her at the moment.

Treating an ED is not dissimilar to treating someone with dementia or schizophrenia, the sufferer is not in control of their behaviour because their brain isn't functioning properly due to the calorie deficit. Once you can see the ED for a brain based illness you can start to feel some sympathy for them (rather than just feeling furious with them!!)

I had to work really hard to get my head round this as every instinct was to scream and shout at dd and tell her to stop being so selfish and just eat (which I have done on occasion 😕)

Apart from anything else getting angry with them or trying to guilt them into eating just doesn't work or if it does it doesn't work for long.

The fact that your dd has begun to admit there's a problem is a positive step in the right direction.

Have a lot at some Eva Musby videos on YouTube, some of it is geared to younger teens but you'll get the general jist.

Why doesn't your dd eat dairy? Is that a recent behaviour?

@Bettybarkalot123 so glad to hear your positive story!
@NanFlanders omg those boys need shooting I am so sorry to hear of the set back it has caused your DD. Hope she gets the help she needs in hospital.
@afewtoomanychoices your DDs physical condition sounds worrying. I'd be coming home if at all possible.
@Snuggleworm I do not have personal experience dealing with an 'adult' with an ED. But as @D1ANA22 says you need leverage. She has stopped working you said? Who is paying her phone bill for, her nights out etc? I thought your message was great but I agree she will try to stall. I am afraid she needs to get upset. That's the nature of poking an ED. Once you have called it out it hits back hard.
I suggest the Beat website (they have on line resources and help lines for carers) and also EDSUK face book group. If you post there I am sure many people in your position will reply.
And never doubt your self. The ED will try to minimise the issue, deflect, hit back and downright lie to stay unchallenged. It has to be challenged. She is so ill. I think you have to follow through on your message. And insist she eats or financial support goes.

I find I don’t know when to be ‘super’ worried. Like yes of course I spend every bloody waking and sleeping minute worrying but she’s been unwell for many years, and I sometimes don’t know when I should step up and allow my anxiety to actually take force!
she’s been ok past 2 days, still dizzy when she stands up but I’ve made her drink a lot more. We are currently away for another week.
Dont know if others feel like this, as if when is the right time to actually ‘freak out’?
sorry if this doesn’t make too much sense

It does make sense- living in a state of heightened anxiety is very hard to deal with. I ended up being hyper vigilant and have had to force myself to let go now DD is recovered. I do believe in going with your gut though. For me fainting and hitting her head followed by dizziness would worry me about a non ED child tbh. Altho you did get her checked out I'd still be watching her like a a hawk.

Afew what's her wfh and how much is she eating a day? The dizziness would worry me as well as I'd be worried that her heart was struggling 😕

@afewtoomanychoices from experience our friends daughter at university collapsed and was hospitalised immediately due to her low heart rate - this is when her anorexia was exposed, my point being that her organs were struggling and emergency care was needed.

Sorry to alarm you, I still have nightmares from when I was sleeping in the same hospital room as DD hooked up to her heart monitor, as her heart rate naturally dropped during the night the alarms would sound as she was at a dangerous level - the feeling that she may not wake up in the morning has not left me.

I don’t actually know her wfh, as the dieticians she sees work with BMI. They suspect her of manipulating her weight despite her swearing she isn’t. As it stands, her BMI is 18. Which is a lot higher than has been in previous years. I know BMI is a bad tool often. But if I was to go with the reliability of BMI, then it’s underweight, but not severely. Is it common for a body of that weight to become very physically ill? Might be a stupid question but I just always relate it to being extremely underweight ..

As she's under 18 it would be worth getting someone to work out her wfh afew, the FB group can help or Lougle on here if she's about. How many calories a day is she eating at the moment? The hot weather will be putting additional pressure on her heart and she will be loosing additional electrolytes. Which country are you in?

The weight at which individual kids can function varies a lot, my dd was physically very unwell at 90% wfh (her heart was struggling) she's always sat at a slightly higher weight/height centile (75th) since being a toddler so it figures really.

I'd honestly be planning on bringing her home and going straight to a&e with her.

Afew can you count how many times your dds heart beats in a minute, compare it when she is sat down and stood up?

She’s nearly 18. Her weight is 50kg and height 167.2 cm.
anyone able to work that out for me?
As far as I’m aware she is eating, had some pasta bake for lunch and weetabix for breakfast… so it’s not full on restricting. Not huge portions but she is eating
we’re in Spain.

@Lougle might be able to help?

@afewtoomanychoices here you go. I've given a birthday of next month.

Wouldn't post the photo. I hate the new site.

Thank you so much @Lougle

Well we ended up in A & E over the weekend. DD fainted in her friends house and gave herself a bad bang on the head so we had to go to get her checked.
Spent so long in A & E waiting to be seen ( 13 hours on Sat and 15 hours on Sunday) but I knew it was the only way that I could get her seen with a struggle so we waited. She admitted to the doctor that she has a problem but said she didn't want to be helped.

So they weighed her etc at hopsital she is 5 foot 7 and weighs 51kg now and her bmi is 17. Her blood sugars were ok, her saturations were between 96 and 100% every time I watched them monitor her which was about 5 times over the course of the weekend. Her blood pressure did drop up and down a bit but stayed average 90/60 for a lot of the time and her pulse rate was between 57 and 61 I think. I have no idea how to work out that WFH really but the doctor says she is just below the correct BMI which I find so strange as she is so thin. The doctor is going to send all the results to my GP ( who is also useless in my opinion) So we will not be going down that road.

So DD has agreed that she will eat enough calories to maintain what weight she is now but no more and has worked it out to be about about 1359 per day. Now I don't really believe her as she will do anything just to get us off her case but she has agreed to go to a specialist ED coach on the 3rd of Sept . We are going privately as we canot rely on the poblic service as it is so bad her in Ireland.

I am also in that heightened state of anxiety @afewtoomanychoices

I am not too sure if this is a positive update or if this is just the bginning of a very long journey :( Her dad is still saying we have to trust her to stick to this and not annoy her at all and keep everything sweetmess and light but I think that if we allow her do this then it will start a vicious cycle. My own husband is not being very supportive right now as he said she just needs a good kick u the arse and she is just spoiled. FML!

Wow @Snuggleworm what supportive men you have in your life....
That A&E wait is horrific. A BMI of 17 with her other symptoms is a concern to me. And obviously you. Fainting is NOT usual. And NOT ok.
At the very least I would insist on monitoring her (v restrictive) calorie intake to maintain. She cannot lose anymore weight. Stopping the losses is always the first step and you have a partial buy in so seize on this.
And no you can't play nice. It will lead to more losses in my opinion. Her ED will get her to shave more and more calories off with any excuse. Make a meal plan at 1400 cals with her and make her stick to it then hope the ED coach can have a breakthrough. I still think she'll lose on that tho. I wouldn't be letting her go anywhere whilst she is a fainting risk. 18 or not.

Oh dear snuggle although hopefully this might be the wake up call your dd needs to start getting her eating again.

I would urge caution on setting a calorie target though especially one so low, she's likely to need twice that amount to recover.

Is she weighing herself? If so I'd remove the scales.

I think you need to start 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, give her the food and calmly tell her that's what she needs to eat. As much as you can load up everything with as much butter and cream as possible.

If she starts eating immediately start talking about something else to distract her, distracting her around mealtimes will be useful so allow telly, games etc.

Did they check her bloods at the hospital and do an ecg?