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Wedding dress, guilt, and anorexia

30 replies

ugifletzet · 27/01/2022 09:57

I'm getting married in summer. I bought a sample dress that was a size too small in the hips and waist, planning to diet into it. It was the last sample of a dress from an old collection and the style was just what I wanted. I could never have afforded it new. I can fasten it up and I estimated I'd only need to lose 3kg at most for it to fit. Unfortunately it can't be let out.

I have a history of anorexia. I haven't been in hospital since 2010, and I've been happily maintaining a good healthy weight since 2016. I'd forgotten (or rather stupidly ignored) that I can't lose any weight without it flipping that switch in my brain, and no matter how lovely a dress is, it isn't worth gambling my health for. The behaviours are creeping in again. My fiance is worried and he's offered to buy a new dress for me, any dress I want so long as it fits me just as I am and I won't be fixating on losing more weight. He's incredibly kind and generous but I feel so guilty at the thought of spending more money on a new dress, especially when (in my head) the cause is me being greedy and eating too much.

I spoke to one of my best friends about it. She shared a flat with me before I was hospitalized in 2009 and so she probably has the most insight of anyone into what I'm like when I get ill. As soon as I told her I needed to lose 3kg for my dress, she just looked at me and went, "No." She didn't even try to argue or reason me out of it, which is probably what I needed - someone who knows it's too mad and dangerous even to discuss.

I've got an appointment at a bridal boutique tomorrow to try on different dresses. I don't really know why I'm posting here. I think I just need some support and encouragement from people who understand what it's like when the thoughts take hold.

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 27/01/2022 09:58

Get a new dress and stay well.

You've come so far!

HappyGowerGirl · 27/01/2022 10:00

I completely understand everything you are saying, but please just let your lovely fiancé buy you a new dress! However lovely the dress is it’s not worth gambling your physical and mental health over. I know it’s “only” 3kg but you and I both know how easily that can spiral.

Your friend is right - the answer is no, full stop.

Enjoy your fitting tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll find a gorgeous new dress that fits🙂

Hoolihan · 27/01/2022 10:02

Imagine the guilt if you get seriously ill, ruin the wedding and your health and break your fiancé's heart. Sell the dress and be happy xx

HeadNorth · 27/01/2022 10:03

Sell the dress - it sounds like it will be popular as the last of a line so sell it now. Or give it to a charity shop. But get it out of the house and forget about it. Then happily shop for a dress that fits you now.

JaneDoe7 · 27/01/2022 10:04

You know yourself what the answer is and your friend and fiance do too. They both want you happy and healthy and some money on a new dress is a tiny price to pay.
You have done amazingly - don't risk your recovery. Find a beautiful new dress and enjoy your wedding day and married life!

ugifletzet · 27/01/2022 13:42

Thanks everyone. It's been ten days since I bought the dress and my eating has gone downhill so fast it's scary. For the first few days I was just cutting out biscuits with my tea and having three meals with smaller portions. Then one day I skipped breakfast and come lunchtime it was, "I'm not that hungry - I can wait until tea", and now I'm really struggling to make myself eat more than once a day. I tried on the dress last night and it fit better but still not perfectly. I immediately thought, "I'd better lose 5kg to be on the safe side," and that's when I realised where this was going. Scary how you can spend years clambering up a rock face only to plunge down in a fraction of the time.

I'll put the dress on Stillwhite and try to enjoy choosing something else tomorrow. Maybe they'll have a dress I like even more? It's just so hard not to feel like a lazy greedy failure. Sad

OP posts:
Echobelly · 27/01/2022 13:48

Well done on recognising where this was in danger of going, you've totally done the right thing. Accept yourself now and get a dress for you, you'll look amazing.

mugoftea456 · 27/01/2022 13:49

You have a great friend and great fiancé. Do not compromise yourself. Get a new dress!

Congratulations on your wedding and recovery

Tal45 · 27/01/2022 14:02

You should be proud of yourself for recognising this - that's not lazy or failing. Is it best to get rid of that dress asap? Will it always be a temptation till you do? I think you'd be better off cutting it up right now than putting yourself at risk.

Etinoxaurus · 27/01/2022 14:07

Ah bless you!Flowers
You have a lovely friend, fiancé and great self awareness. 💪

delilahbucket · 27/01/2022 14:09

Have you spoken to a professional bridal dress maker to see if it can be altered. It really is amazing what can be done. Mine was amazing and got another inch on the bust for mine.
Failing that, sell the dress. You know what style you want now, you could even pick up a secondhand one which was what I considered doing as I was struggling to find what I wanted.

MichelleScarn · 27/01/2022 14:27

Oh @ugifletzet you are absolutely not a failure! If you were my friend I'd be so proud of you like your fiance and bf are, look how well you've done being able to recognise what's going on and catch yourself. Agree with pp with regards to putting dress up for sale and finding another.

Blossom64265 · 27/01/2022 14:38

I’m posting as a mother with a teen daughter who shows some tendencies down this path so we are always watchful.

Find a new dress. Your fiancé clearly loves you as you are. Buying a new dress will be a symbol of accepting that love and of loving yourself. It’s not something to feel guilt about.

Sell the current dress on to another bride. It is meant for someone else. You may not make all your money back on it. That is ok. You can find joy in knowing that you are matching the right bride with the right dress and adding to the happiness in the world.

HappyGowerGirl · 27/01/2022 14:59

What a lovely message from @Blossom64265 (btw I hope your daughter is well and she is so lucky to have such a wise and kind mum).

@ugifletzet you are in no way a failure. You are an extremely strong person to have recovered from anorexia, which is such a bitch to beat, and you are also strong for recognising the difficult situation you are in now.

I hope you find an even nicer dress which is what you deserve!

ugifletzet · 28/01/2022 09:00

I'm reading all your kind messages on the bus to the dress shop and they're making me tear up a little. @Blossom64265, I agree with @HappyGowerGirl - your daughter is lucky to have such an insightful mum.

I managed not to weigh myself this morning, which is a small victory, as for the past week I've been getting obsessive about it. I thought it was important not to associate any dress I might choose today with a particular number, as then it'll become a number I can't let myself go over. I need to get myself back on three proper meals a day. I'm working this afternoon and it will be a temptation to just go straight there without any lunch, but hopefully I can get myself back on track.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/01/2022 09:08

Whatever the dress cost, isn't it worth paying that to not go back down that path?

Fuuuuuckit · 28/01/2022 09:11

Oh love, well done for recognising it, and yay for your friend and fiance!

Sell your dress. Have great fun today buying a new dress - for the new you, the one who has come so far, and has such supportive folk around you.

Of course YABU if you don't post pics of the options from your shopping trip today, for that is Mumsnet rules Grin

ugifletzet · 28/01/2022 11:23

Well, if anyone needs a body positive bridal shop with really lovely friendly staff, I can recommend one. They started off by asking how I wanted the dress to make me feel, and I immediately said, "Confident." Then we talked about what kind of look I wanted and came up with this. It feels incredible. The closest size to mine is a little tight on the hips and loose on the bust, but they said it was a minor alteration and the seamstress can deal with it easily. So I went with it. It feels like such a weight off my mind (pun not intended). Now to focus on chasing out the stupid thoughts.

Wedding dress, guilt, and anorexia
Wedding dress, guilt, and anorexia
Wedding dress, guilt, and anorexia
OP posts:
WhatScratch · 28/01/2022 11:29

That’s and amazing dress. Well done for recognising the problem and changing your plans. Hope you have a lovely day in your beautiful dress.

Solderingon · 28/01/2022 11:29

That's absolutely beautiful! You have excellent taste Wink

HappyGowerGirl · 28/01/2022 11:31

Oh my god you look stunning that is an incredible dress!!!!!!!!!! Well done OP and enjoy your wedding day🤩🤩🤩

ugifletzet · 28/01/2022 13:26

Thank you all. Flowers It's very different from my first dress, which was pure ivory with pearl beading and quite boho, but I thought that was for the best. I wouldn't want to feel like I had a second-best imitation of my first choice.

I'm feeling a bit wobbly because right after I chose the dress I had an email informing me I was unsuccessful in a job interview I had last week. I thought the interview went brilliantly and I was pretty confident I'd get it. Anorexia brain is screeching about failure. I'm trying to focus on the positive - I have two other applications in the pipeline and all this means is that now I can concentrate on those, which may lead to jobs I'd like better or just as much. And I have a beautiful dress to cheer me up!

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 28/01/2022 14:26

That is a beautiful dress and you look perfect - you don't need to change a thing about yourself.

Grandville · 28/01/2022 15:00

Ah OP that new dress is beautiful!

Job hunting is the absolute worst. I have a successful career and earn well for my age however I estimate I have been turned down from 99%+ of jobs I have applied for and maybe 60% of jobs I have interviewed for. Part of the reason why I am successful is that I just keep going until I have something I like and always keep one eye out for the next thing.

People look at others with success but never see the many failures that led to it.

Billybagpuss · 28/01/2022 15:10

You look incredible, and I wish you every success staying on course with your eating. Don’t be afraid to reach out to health care professionals if you think you need it 💐