Christmas and parents

[Mellowyellow222]

I have struggled with weight and bulimia most of my life.

I have had counselling and a lot of it is routed in my mums issues with weight.

She spent most of my childhood talking about weight - her weight, my weight, other peoples weight. The highest compliment she can give someone is they are ‘nice and slim’.

I am not.

Every time I see her she talks constantly about diets and weight. I really struggle with this. I change the subject each and every time but she doesn’t get the hint.

I have put on a lot of weight over the last two years. She is coming to stay with me for a week and I know I will spend a lot of the time fighting back tears of rage.

A confrontation at Christmas seems wrong - and she will just say I am over sensitive.

Anyone else dealt with this and any suggestions?

[naomi81]

Oh gosh, maybe a positive covid test result the night before she arrives 😜

[Mellowyellow222]

😂 that cheated me up.

The ED has got worse with the stress of the constant comments. I get upset and then binge eat.

I don’t want to damage my relationship with my parents but I want to shut the comments down.

I know I will never change her - I can’t control what she thinks. And I am so sad that she thinks peoples value is solely in appearance. I am actually very successful - but all she sees is her sad, fat daughter. She will never be proud. And that’s her loss not mine.

I just need a strategy to get through Christmas and not bring the rest of the family into the middle of this constant battle.

[Orangekey]

It's so tough. I think many ppl with disordered eating feel like this at this time of year.
Even if your mum is difficult I think you need to be honest with her and tell her that the topic of weight and diets and commenting on people's bodies is detrimental to your ED recovery and mental health. Something like "I know you might not understand this and might think I'm over sensitive but I find these topics really difficult and would appreciate if we could just talk about something else" maybe have a list of alternative topics ready to go.
Best of luck with it xxx

[Mellowyellow222]

Thanks.

I have never told her about the ED. She must have guessed in my teen years - and my weight changes dramatically - I swing from a size 6 to a size 16. She is so happy when I am tiny and so situated when I am large.

She can be incredibly patronising, so when I ask her not to raise the subject know she will laugh at me. I told her once and she said if I was so sensitive about my weight I should do something about it!

For some reason all the memories of the awful things she have said have come flooding back and I feel such rage. Which is really bad timing as she is arriving tomorrow😂.

She thinks she is the perfect parent so the gaslighting will be immense.

[Mellowyellow222]

Disgusted to situated!

[TopCatsTopHat]

I struggle to see how you can get through it other than by absorbing all the harm yourself if the person you are dealing with has no self awareness, can't /won't acknowledge the unfairness or harm a lifetime of criticism on this topic can do and is essentially unreasonable in this area, what can you do accept absorb the "punches" or avoid the situation?
It sounds so awful I'd be tempted not to have Christmas with them to save myself the pain. Doesn't sound like that feels like it's an option though sadly. I'm stumped, hope someone comes along with better ideas, but essentially wanted to say it is bad, and it is reasonable if you don't want to put yourself through it.

[Mellowyellow222]

Thanks - venting on here is actually helping.

I have decided I will just say the first time she bring it up that we won’t be talking about weight or diets this Christmas.

I don’t need to know what she weighs. I don’t need a comment about every mince pie. It would be lovely to have a Christmas with no meaningful looks between my parents and no announcements that they will be cutting down after Christmas.

My dad will tell me I have bought too much food - he announced we didn’t need dessert on Christmas Day!

My nieces are 12 and it is all so damaging. I don’t want them to hear this nonsense.

My sister won’t discuss it, and shuts the conversation down any time I raise it (yet let’s my parents say these things infront of the girls).

As i type this I realise what a toxic family we are! I am sure I have a flaw too.

[TopCatsTopHat]

Glad the venting has helped. If your sister feels similarly to you, could you take the power out of their words by harnessing the ridiculousness factor. Make bingo cards out of all her stock phrases and merrily fill them in as the predictable happens.
She is your mother and her words have caused much pain so will press buttons... But if you could reframe it for a day and see her outlook for the farce that it is, the power of humour to take the sting out of things is strong, dark humour gets you through tough times and all that... Maybe if this is a bit of a stretch with your sister could you share your plan with a friend who can cheer you on as you fill your bingo card and have a laugh about it? For every phrase you get a £1 in a pot and buy something nice with it at the end like a nice lipstick or cosy socks (or whatever).

[Mellowyellow222]

That’s a great idea!

My sister won’t play - she hates me complaining about them - but I regularly listen to her complain about them!

But yes - a point for every time

my mum tells me her size eight jeans will be too tight if she eats any more.

My dad says he will be cutting down in the year (even though he is perfect weight).

My mum says there is far too much food and we are just being greedy (while looking pointedly at me).

My dad says ‘you can’t still be hungry’ if I offer dessert or chocolates/

If my mum tells me about a diet someone she knows has gone on and how much weight they have lost

My mum references a diet book.

My mum asks me if I have slimfast in the house for her breakfasts and then acts amazed that I don’t (even though she doesn’t use it ever).

My mum tells me what she and dad eat for every meal, and how they only need half portions.

My dad tells me I should start running again - even though he knows I have an injury and the doctor told me not to.

My mum tells me someone went to the doctor and was told to lose weight.

Honestly all these things will be said several times in one morning alone.

They don’t talk about anything else

[TopCatsTopHat]

Omg.
Well if you put £1 in the pot for each one of those barbs you manage not to bounce right off you, you'll be able to buy something really lovely after she's gone home! 👌
But brilliant start, hahaha, humour is the only way through this since you seem unwilling to purchase a klaxon and sound it every time she opens her mouth and mentions weight
Shame your sister can't join in, it's the kind of thing that could empower you both if you could exchange secret smiles as you go.

Pease please please buy a slimfast so when she asks for one you can airily say 'why yes I do' and quickly make it for her before she can say actually she'd rather have a bacon butty. And enjoy her having a slimfast for brekky and pretending she's pleased.

Also get yourself down to waterstones and buy her a new diet book to beautifully gift wrap as one of her presents, either go ironic and get her one that recommends going full carnivore with beef dripping on your bread and a roast ox every Sunday, or, there is a fabulous new cake book which is on the best seller list for food books this year. Or go serious and get 'how to be as slim as a wild food forager' or 'how to live off WWII rations and enjoy it'.

When you've done all that you'll be ready. 😎 would you be brave enough to serve up half portions and no dessert for this Xmas so you can proudly say you wanted to give her the best Xmas ever?

Out of your bingo card what's your money on being the first (you get a holiday in Marbella if you're right)

[PermanentTemporary]

Can't improve on Top Hat's post so just wishing you Happy Christmas and a few smiles listening to her wasting her life wittering on about bloody slimfast!

[Cattitudes]

Pease please please buy a slimfast so when she asks for one you can airily say 'why yes I do' and quickly make it for her before she can say actually she'd rather have a bacon butty. And enjoy her having a slimfast for brekky and pretending she's pleased.

I thought exactly the same, although I would go one further and make it for her before the prompt and then serve everyone else nice breakfasts. To some of the other comments as they seem to be going for the passive aggressive approach I would refuse to pick up on the subtext and say something like 'I find it so sad Mum that you can't accept the body type you have' or yes you told me last meal that you can only have half portions, are you having difficulty with your memory? or anticipating them - now I know mum will say we have too much but after the year we have had we all deserve a treat.

That way you get one point on bingo if they say it and two if you deflect or retort. Set yourself mental rewards - 20 points and you get reward x, between 21 and 50 reward y etc.

[TopCatsTopHat]

@PermanentTemporary

Can't improve on Top Hat's post so just wishing you Happy Christmas and a few smiles listening to her wasting her life wittering on about bloody slimfast!

🤣🤣🤣

I properly laughed at 'wasting her life wittering on about slimfast"

[Dozer]

It’s self destructive to have invited your family for Christmas, given what they’re like! Hope they’re not staying long!

Can you plan breaks for yourself to escape them for a bit, eg excuses for ‘errands’, walk, cooking, spending time with your nieces.

Confused about your sister: are you saying she too is unsupportive about your ED?

[TopCatsTopHat]

@Cattitudes

Pease please please buy a slimfast so when she asks for one you can airily say 'why yes I do' and quickly make it for her before she can say actually she'd rather have a bacon butty. And enjoy her having a slimfast for brekky and pretending she's pleased.

I thought exactly the same, although I would go one further and make it for her before the prompt and then serve everyone else nice breakfasts. To some of the other comments as they seem to be going for the passive aggressive approach I would refuse to pick up on the subtext and say something like 'I find it so sad Mum that you can't accept the body type you have' or yes you told me last meal that you can only have half portions, are you having difficulty with your memory? or anticipating them - now I know mum will say we have too much but after the year we have had we all deserve a treat.

That way you get one point on bingo if they say it and two if you deflect or retort. Set yourself mental rewards - 20 points and you get reward x, between 21 and 50 reward y etc.

OoooOOOOoooo Good idea, that would be a change in the dynamic and would ruffle feathers! Hope op is feeling mischievous.

She is meant to feel meek and ashamed so this would put a wrinkle in the flow of her accepting her place and drinking deeply from the cup of guilt her parents keep topped up for her.

[Noseylittlemoo]

It sounds like your mum has an eating disorder too with her obsession about food and weight.
If you decide with the Bingo idea I think you should make her put the money in whenever one of the stock phrases comes out- maybe it will sink in how obsessed she is when she is £50 lighter at the end of the day?
Perhaps suggest she gets some help or counselling for her obsessive thoughts about weight/ food? If she is in denial she will probably be very defensive and then might make a conscious effort not to mention it to "prove " to you that she doesn't have a problem.

[thistimelastweek]

It's not just your mum, your dad's a pain too.

They aren't even clever or well-informed. Don't they know how damaging this nonsense is?

Totally agree with PPs, coping strategies are the way to go. Though personally I'd go for 'every time you mention my weight, your weight, anyone's weight, I'm going to eat a mince pie. Your move. '

Also, your sister really needs to get on board for the sake of her children.

Hope you manage to have a good day.

[TopCatsTopHat]

Though personally I'd go for 'every time you mention my weight, your weight, anyone's weight, I'm going to eat a mince pie. Your move

Genius!

[rookiemere]

My DPs can be a bit like that. Mentioning their weight with pride at the dinner table then pausing expectantly for mine - hell will freeze over before I tell them. I just ignore it now, but will not let them do it to DS at all. He was a bit plumper when young and DF had this fixation with trying to weigh him, in the end I said to DM we'd stop coming if he didn't stop mentioning it, and as it turns out DS15 is now into weights and nutrition and looks amazing.

I think try to get some fun out of it, if they say they need to watch their weight don't offer them some of the desserts. It's so frustrating and sucks the joy out of the occasion. Maybe you could sigh deeply and look at your watch every time they mention food or weight.

[Mellowyellow222]

@Dozer

It’s self destructive to have invited your family for Christmas, given what they’re like! Hope they’re not staying long!

Can you plan breaks for yourself to escape them for a bit, eg excuses for ‘errands’, walk, cooking, spending time with your nieces.

Confused about your sister: are you saying she too is unsupportive about your ED?

We don’t discuss my ED - they must all know but it’s swept under the carpet.

My sister can’t stand any criticism of my parents - from anyone else. However they were very difficult when she had the twins and I listened to a lot of her issues and ran interference for her.

I have decided at the first mention of diets I will say I would rather we didn’t discuss diets or weight this Christmas. They have no respect for my boundaries but I will just keep saying It.

At this time of year mum is full of tales of all her friends children. She actually told me yesterday how lovely and slim her friends daughter is. Nothing else. I know my mum was seething with jealously that should can’t boast about how thin my sister or I are (although my sister is on a crash diet and has lost a lot of weight so that will make my situation even worse with suggestions I follow suit).

Don song merrily in High 😂😂😂

[Dozer]

You have choices for this and future festive times. If a high priority is your wellbeing and recovery, it’d make sense not to spend as much time with your ‘family of origin’.

It’s sad that the family dysfunction has affected your and your sister’s relationship. It’s not great that you’ve listened to your sister’s concerns about your parents at times but that this isn’t reciprocated, and that she’s exposing her daughters to your parents’ damaging bullshit. At least it’s clear that you can’t get support there so can look elsewhere.

[TopCatsTopHat]

"have decided at the first mention of diets I will say I would rather we didn’t discuss diets or weight this Christmas. They have no respect for my boundaries but I will just keep saying It.'

That sounds a bit like banging your head against a wall, I'm impressed if you have the emotional stamina for that (I wouldn't). But maybe you will feel empowered by taking a stand?

[picklemewalnuts]

This sounds so familiar!

Step one, if you haven't got there yet, is reminding yourself that their opinion doesn't matter and is totally irrelevant. It is literally just noise. Let the noise of their blathering wash over you while you think about other things.

Once you have really accepted that, everything else gets easier. Repeat a few stock phrases that suit all occasions like
'That's nice Mum'
'Is she?'
'Well done, Dad'
'Oh, lovely'.
Honestly they aren't listening to you, they won't process and think about what you are saying, don't waste your energy on them.

That's how to manage the emotional, conversational side of things. Don't engage with the conversation, just use place marker phrases.

On a practical level, plan your food and decide ahead of time what you'll eat at meals and what your emergency comfort eating food will be- I keep a stash where I can go and get something not too damaging whenever I need it. Yogurt, fruit, lower cal snack foods from my 'allowed' list.

Read up on 'grey rock'. It's really useful.

If you want to, you can engage in normal conversation with them when it's not food/weight related. I don't bother anymore. The only problem I have is that I've got so good at not hearing what she's wittering on about that I can't always answer properly when called upon!

[Mellowyellow222]

I usually manage it by either changing the subject or leaving. When it’s my house I can’t leave.

My dad didn’t used to participate in this - but since he has retired mum is really his only company so weight is probably his main topic of conversation every day. They probably discuss my weight at length and come up with ‘subtle’ ways of letting me know I need to lose weight.

I am 40, a director of a large company. I own my own home and manage over 600 people. Why can’t they be proud of me?

I know it’s rooted in my mums insecurities. She is always putting me down - talking about how rich and attractive and thin other people are, and diminishing my job. If I buy anything expensive Ashe makes it out like I can’t afford it. I am a director of a large company and live well within my means. It’s like she doesn’t think someone who wears a size 14 could ever have success.

Sorry - ranting now!

[PermanentTemporary]

Do you know what - that's amazing. It just shows how fabulous you are that you have come through a really challenging youth, have so much success, such lovely and by the sound of it well-supported children and have been resilient enough to remain on reasonable terms with your very damaged mother. It's sad that her worldview is so distorted. Calm pity for her should be the order of the day. My mother at 87 and with a serious brain injury can't put a thing in her mouth without intoning 'this will make me fat' and it's so sad that through the brain damage this thing has still got a hold on her. I hope you can enjoy the season.