DD 12yo is secretly vomiting after meals

[Puffincrossing]

Posting for traffic as I have no idea where to start. I know I need to talk to her and I don't want to fuck it up. She doesn't vomit after every meal but it is frequently, I think. I started to get suspicious so have gone in the bathroom a few times after her and there's an acrid smell. I think she may have started self harming as well.

There's nothing I can immediately link it to, no deaths, problems with friends or issues at home or anything like that but I do know MH doesn't always work like that. She seemed ok through lockdown and although she would rather continue studying from home she has gone back in easily. She has however put on some weight and is now a size 12/14 and only 5' 3. She's not massive but I doubt she'll grow much taller so could do with losing a little. I was going to gently bring it up with her after half term anyway but the possible bulimia means that's a stupid idea.

Does anyone know how I can help her please?

Oh op you must be worried sick. I haven’t experienced this directly, but my teen has put me through the mill in other ways. The only advice I can give you is that when you do talk to her, just keep very calm. Try not to freak out or show your emotions, or she will just clam up. I speak from experience. I wish you good luck.

First stop GP? There's also this charity you can phone for advice www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Ask her what she is trying to achieve?
Talk to her about changing her diet and doing some fun stuff to get exercise, rather than purging?

You have my complete sympathy. Have been going through a related issue ourselves the past year.

Bulimia actually refers to binge eating followed by compensatory behaviours (fasting, laxatives, exercise, diuretics, vomiting, diet pills, etc.). Without the presence of binge eating, this kind of behaviour wouldn't be bulimia. Rather, you'd be looking at OSFED (previously EDNOS), purging disorder or atypical anorexia.

Check out the Beat website -- they have support and advice for worried family members seeing signs of disordered eating behaviour, and they have helplines and live chat facilities and stuff for both carers and those who are ill. They will probably have advice about how to approach your daughter, how (or whether, or in what form) to seek outside help, and might be a useful resource for her if she wants help changing her relationship to food/mood.

First of all why is she over weight?
What foods is she eating?
What exercise does she do?
And please be honest. No one really gets fat out of nowhere.

So, I'm assuming this has started because she is over weight and ashamed of it?Which we can all pretend she shouldn't be. But most teenagers don't want to be fat. And she will definitely notice she stands out and isn't in as good a physical condition as she should be.

Has there been any signs at all (before the bulimia started) that she is unhappy with her weight? It could be nothing to do with her weight but that does seem to be the major red flag here if everything else in her life is going the way it should be.

Lock down has been so so hard for teenagers. Not a nice time in your life to be shut away. So it's really tough to sift through what's going on in her head. For her and you.

How close are you? Do you have a good open relationship?

IME of this, there is often precipitating trauma. Food isn't the actual issue, the trauma is. Sometimes it's sexual abuse so get very very good support with this. GP probably first.

There are some good threads on Mumsnet with parents going through this who may be able to help. A friend is going through this with her daughter and it's been hard but being addressed. This was me at 12 and 40 years later I still struggle - it was never discussed yet I recently found out my mum guessed. I wish I had the support that is now available.

@Puffincrossing you're welcome to join us here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4210422-teen-eating-disorders-support-thread-3

I think people shouldn’t scare the op, Her daughter is likely not being abused! Best to have a chat with her and do as much research as you can about it op.

This one is current:

Teen Eating Disorders support thread 3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4210422-teen-eating-disorders-support-thread-3

Eating disorders and self harm are complex. It's not about wanting to be slim, or to kill yourself. Good idea to speak to GP and get signposted to more specialist support. When speaking to your DD, try not to be shocked by what she's doing, and let her know that you want to support her to be happy and healthy

Perhaps she is being bullied over her weight? You could ask her to help you devise a diet/exercise plan. If you do it together you have a reason to keep an eye on her eating habits. Do it together as a team - offer to be her PT - go to park run together (restarts end of June). Whatever you can do to show her support and interest, without being too 'mumsy' IYSWIM

@gingganggooleywotsit

I think people shouldn’t scare the op, Her daughter is likely not being abused! Best to have a chat with her and do as much research as you can about it op.

I'm not trying to scare her. Just counteracting the 'it's about food' posts. It's really almost never about food.

And around 30% of eating disordered patients had sexual abuse in childhood and it's higher for bulimia/purging.

It's really something to keep in mind. I'm sorry it's the case but I'm not making this up as a risk factor.

We are going through this so know how worrying this is for you.

First stop should be the GP but do read the guidance on the BEAT website before you go - some GP’s do not seem to have a grasp on the warning signs of an Eating Disorder and you may have a fight on your hands. (Our GP took one look at our daughter and, because she wasn’t drastically underweight, said she was fine and told us to come back in a month).

Schools can also be a great help. We went in for a meeting to discuss our concerns and it was arranged that our daughter would have the opportunity to discuss her eating issues with a counsellor that came in to school weekly. The counsellor realised very quickly that further support was needed and then we were helped with how to access more specialised treatment for her. The help seems to be there, it’s just not immediately obvious, and sometimes you need a hand navigating it all.

My advice would be don’t give up and don’t be fobbed off - you’re your child’s advocate and know them best.

Good luck. X

I’m sorry, to be fair it’s not a subject I know masses about, and am not qualified to comment, I was just worried about how op might feel as a mum. That’s a really sad statistic

That was @MrsTerryPratchett

Best wishes and strength to everyone affected by this.

@gingganggooleywotsit

I’m sorry, to be fair it’s not a subject I know masses about, and am not qualified to comment, I was just worried about how op might feel as a mum. That’s a really sad statistic

It is. Extremely sad.

Some really good advice & some really bad advice here OP. So, take a deep breath & pause. You don’t need to rush into speaking to her tonight, nothing will change in a few hours. Give yourself some time to get your head around things, and do some reading about how to discuss this with her. If you are calm & supportive she is much more likely to open up.

BEAT is a great place to start, as is your GP. Regardless of the precipitating factors you and your daughter need some professional support with this. It’s great you’ve been so on the ball spotting the signs.

Please do not, under any circumstances, attempt to discuss weight/exercise/personal training/heathy eating. This is not about those things, and approaching it from that angle may only lower her self-esteem and view of herself. But most importantly; reassure her that she isn’t in trouble & hasn’t upset you. A lot of young people worry about upsetting their parents so keep things hidden to protect them

IME - which is having a sibling who has had an eating disorder for at least 40 years - I 100% agree with MalbecisMyOne. My sibling's case was extreme - she was skeletal for many years. She is happier now however and maintains a healthy weight. Support networks have improved hugely since then - take a little time to explore what is there, before speaking to your daughter, assume nothing about her feelings. Whilst seeking advice, spend extra time with her, doing nice things, to open opportunities for her to naturally share any worries she might have, without being challenged about these behaviours. Try to avoid being highly emotional - she can definately do without having guilt and blame added to her thoughts. I wish you lots of luck OP, you sound like a lovely mum, these situations can be very stressful for everyone in the family, please look after your own emotional wellbeing and seek support if needed.

Thank you everyone. I certainly didn't want to rush into anything so just spent last night with her watching some TV of her choice and chatting about day to day stuff. I think we have a pretty good relationship so I'm hoping that when I do speak with her she won't find it as excruciating as I would have with my parents.

I'm going to look at Beat and think about what my next steps are. Thank you all so much for help. I feel like I have a mountain to climb but at least I've found the path now.

I’m so sorry OP. I have no idea If this is totally the wrong advice, but she may be worried about her weight so I wonder if it’s worth chatting to her about the fact that vomiting won’t help with this and then offering to start going to the gym together and starting a healthy eating regime. It does sound like she is overweight so possibly doing something like slimming world? It might be the totally wrong thing to do but I just wonder if she needs to feel some control over her weight

Hello @Puffincrossing we are moving this over to Eating Disorders now. Best wishes.