I am starting to wonder if I have some kind of eating disorder.
I have always been told that I eat like a sparrow, even from a very young age. I have also had anxiety issues from a young age. When I was around 7/8 my grandparents allowed me to watch a film about a man who tried to kill his wife by injecting poison into her box of chocolates. Obviously to young eyes this was real and not fiction so after that I convinced myself half of my food was contaminated so would cut off the ‘poisoned’ pieces and hide them under the plate, this went on for some time.
I feel that from then on I have never enjoyed food.
I feel that I was fine throughout my teens but was always very slim and never devoured my food and always liked being slim. In my teens and early 20’s I would go out for meals with friends, they would always tease me as I could never eat a three course and would often feel full from half the meal, again I was told I don’t eat enough etc.
Then at 25 I developed IBS and it all went downhill from there on until present time, I’m now 48.
I eat very small portions of food (eat from side plates or small nibble bowls), I hate how foods feels in my digestive system, hate how it can upset my stomach, I am always frightened I’ll get food poisoning, I am scared of food tbh and even more so since trying the low fodmap diet which was developed as an elimination diet for IBS sufferers. The diet didn’t help but I now see all high fodmap foods as triggers so I now have a very limited range of ‘safe’ foods which I stick to and never change. I know this is unhealthy and possibly causing me vitamin deficiencies.
I dread anyone asking me to dinner as I hate eating out especially at other peoples homes as there is no control. I don’t like how my friends are always telling me I am too slim and don’t eat enough. I can go hours without food and would be happier taking a pill rather than eating at times.
In all honesty I have never though that I have an eating disorder, it’s just the way I am but when I piece the bits together I am starting to think this may be the case especially as I also fear putting on weight and do weigh myself often. I feel that my slim figure is all I have, it’s my identity as I have always been very slim. I have never achieved good grades at school, or have gained enjoyable employment but have always maintained my weight, this looks ridiculous in print but it’s how I honestly feel.
I don’t feel that my gp would take me seriously, I am 48 this would surely have been picked up by now? I was under a hospital dietician a couple of years back and did mention this to her but she said that I didn’t have an ED but possibly disordered eating but she never mentioned it again.
I am confused, obviously the IBS and fear of eating due to that exacerbates the issue but I do wonder if some kind of ED was always there?