I’m wondering if I have had an ED for most of my life?

[ImaHogg]

I am starting to wonder if I have some kind of eating disorder.
I have always been told that I eat like a sparrow, even from a very young age. I have also had anxiety issues from a young age. When I was around 7/8 my grandparents allowed me to watch a film about a man who tried to kill his wife by injecting poison into her box of chocolates. Obviously to young eyes this was real and not fiction so after that I convinced myself half of my food was contaminated so would cut off the ‘poisoned’ pieces and hide them under the plate, this went on for some time.
I feel that from then on I have never enjoyed food.
I feel that I was fine throughout my teens but was always very slim and never devoured my food and always liked being slim. In my teens and early 20’s I would go out for meals with friends, they would always tease me as I could never eat a three course and would often feel full from half the meal, again I was told I don’t eat enough etc.
Then at 25 I developed IBS and it all went downhill from there on until present time, I’m now 48.
I eat very small portions of food (eat from side plates or small nibble bowls), I hate how foods feels in my digestive system, hate how it can upset my stomach, I am always frightened I’ll get food poisoning, I am scared of food tbh and even more so since trying the low fodmap diet which was developed as an elimination diet for IBS sufferers. The diet didn’t help but I now see all high fodmap foods as triggers so I now have a very limited range of ‘safe’ foods which I stick to and never change. I know this is unhealthy and possibly causing me vitamin deficiencies.
I dread anyone asking me to dinner as I hate eating out especially at other peoples homes as there is no control. I don’t like how my friends are always telling me I am too slim and don’t eat enough. I can go hours without food and would be happier taking a pill rather than eating at times.
In all honesty I have never though that I have an eating disorder, it’s just the way I am but when I piece the bits together I am starting to think this may be the case especially as I also fear putting on weight and do weigh myself often. I feel that my slim figure is all I have, it’s my identity as I have always been very slim. I have never achieved good grades at school, or have gained enjoyable employment but have always maintained my weight, this looks ridiculous in print but it’s how I honestly feel.
I don’t feel that my gp would take me seriously, I am 48 this would surely have been picked up by now? I was under a hospital dietician a couple of years back and did mention this to her but she said that I didn’t have an ED but possibly disordered eating but she never mentioned it again.
I am confused, obviously the IBS and fear of eating due to that exacerbates the issue but I do wonder if some kind of ED was always there?

[Sometimesfraught82]

Thus sounds very distressing for you op

Is there any food you enjoy abs feel safe?

Are you married / have children?

[iknowimcoming]

Cbt not for you then, can you ask your gp to recommend someone for some psychotherapy?

[tuttifuckinfruity]

Also not a professional but it does sound like something is not right. And so heartbreaking if it was caused by that film when you were young

You say you are slim. How slim? Are you underweight?

[ImaHogg]

iknowimcoming I have had cbt 4 times the last time was specifically for the IBS but I am still experiencing these issues even though I tried so hard with the CBT.

[iknowimcoming]

Not a professional but sounds more like a phobia, than an eating disorder to me, have you tried counselling/therapy?