Just don’t know what to do anymore

[justpoppy]

I’ve have a long and varied history of mental health problems with eating disorders somewhere in the middle.

I had a breakdown recently and was in an nhs hospital for 2 weeks. I didn’t eat one meal while I was there - just wasn’t hungry. I was then transferred to a private hospital for the next month. Couldn’t eat there either - I had no appetite. Picked at bananas, soup, cereal bars but no more than 100-200 cals a day. The ward I was on was next to the EDU. We shared a pharmacy with the EDU patients, and I have to say this triggered me massively. I couldn’t eat in the restaurant as the sight of these girls (and women my age or older) picking at their huge meals just broke my heart. I didn’t mention any of this to my consultant while IP and the staff didn’t seem to take much notice of the fact that I wasn’t eating. I convinced them, my family and myself I think that my appetite would come back with a vengeance once I got home. It didn’t.

I’ve now lost at total of almost 3 stone and my bmi is 17.3. I saw my consultant at the hospital this week and she’s very worried. Not about my depression and anxiety which I first saw her about but that i’m Dropping weight so rapidly still. She wants to refer me to an ED consultant. I’m gutted about this - really gutted. I don’t know what a different consultant can do that she can’t do.

I’ve been treated as an outpatient at an EDU in London about 15 years ago and found all the talk about nutrition etc totally useless. I have kept a 12 year old boy alive and healthy all this time I know what I should be eating I just don’t want to do it.

The sensible side of my head knows I look awful naked. The sensible side knows that a 44 year old woman ahouldn’t Weigh 7stone something but I can’t stop. This referral has triggered me even more. I’m not low enough/ill enough to warrant an inpatient stay. I almost feel like I need to lose more to justify this referral.

Not sure why i’m Posting really - I guess getting my thoughts down helps.

Thanks for reading if you managed to get this far.

I guess has anyone else been where I am and what did you do? Last time my weight was lower than this I somehow got pregnant - that’s not going to happen this time for many reasons. I just don’t know what to do (and if i’m Honest part of me just wants to carry on as I am because I can.)

My DP laid into me earlier and made me feel awful. Says I need to sort myself out because he can’t cope with another “disease”. He seems to think it’s a choice - that I just eat, put on weight and everything is hunky dory again. He said he hates the way I look, i’ve Lost my spark and he doesn’t fancy me any more. I feel like he’s giving me an untimatun. I’ve been in bits all afternoon I just don’t know what to do.

I'm in a similar situation in that I have lost 3 stone in the last couple of months through restriction albeit I tend to eat one meal a day. I've still just about got a healthy BMI so at the moment, my docs are just keeping an eye on it but inpatient treatment has been mentioned - like you though, I feel like I would need to lose more for it to be justified. Initially my psychiatrist was more concerned about the anxiety and PTSD symptoms I had but they seem to have gone and the eating disorder is the primary thing now. I'm being made to see a nutritionist but don't think she'll tell me anything I don't know - my problem isn't really about food but about control.

I'm sorry about the ultimatum your DP gave you, that's in no way helpful. I'm also sorry that I don't have any advice for you because I'm stuck between the same impulses but I just wanted to say that I get you and am here if you need anything.

What do you mean you "are being made to see a nutritionist"?

Have they taken decisions out of your hands?

Thanks calypso. It helps just to know someone is in the same boat.

I don’t feel a nutritionalist is helpful either. I cook healthy meals for my family every day but my DP just thinks I can flick a switch and start eating again.

I’ve taken the day off work tomorrow and will get a GP appointment to see if I can be referred anywhere in the community but I also need to ring my private consultant to check that she thinks that’s a good idea and that i’m not duplicating anything that she’s done.

I just don’t know what to do with myself today. Spent most of the afternoon in bed then a friend came over (who gets me totally) but now i’ve Cooked for ds and tidied up I’m at a loose end again. Not heard from DP. He said enough this morning (we don’t live together so could go days now without seeing each other).

The more I think about it the more I feel cross that he’s making this about him. Like this is my fault. If I (god forbid) had cancer he wouldn’t have said all that stuff but because it’s mental health its suddenly different.

I find it difficult reading that those trusted with your care and knowing your previous history have not monitored or been aware of signs and triggers for your ED. Have to admit whilst I would never have said it “ just eat something” is what screamed in my head for the first six months of my daughters anorexia. Hopefully your DP just has no understanding and is trying a stupid (very stupid) heavy handed shock approach. Tell him his comments are hurtful and in no way helpful. You need better than that.

I think he is Boul. I think he thinks it’s tough love. He doesn’t know what else to do so this is his approach. He’s hurt me so much though. He supported me through my IP stay and was amazing but now seems to have turned away. I agree though that the HCP’s should have made more of monitoring my weight given my history but as they weren’t treating me for ED I guess they just saw my loss of appetite as a symptom of depression.

I hope you managed to get an appointment today and they can offer you some help. I feel like I should be able to flick a switch and start eating (as that's what happened when I went from binge eating to restriction this time) but I can't. My DH gave me a small piece of chocolate last night and I could barely cope with the idea of eating it. It's so hard for other people to get it if they've not been there themselves.

I'm with you OP, going through it myself. The only advice I can offer is that only YOU can do anything about it. No amount of harsh words, Doctors or Hospital Stays can make you do it. It has to come from your inner strength which you 100% have. Use the will power that is driving your ED into trying to get better, keep pushing, it is so hard and people who have never suffered from an ED will never understand.
I'm trying to focus on tiny goals at the moment. I haven't had my period for 3 years so now my goal is getting it back, not missing my lunch and making sure I just force it down me, it will get easier I absolutely promise. You are strong and capable.
One thing I did that my Therapist told me to do was write 2 letters to my older self, one letter were I was completely ED free and what my life was like, and one letter were I was still trapped with my ED, it really opened my eyes. Try it, it might give you a push?
Either way I hope this might help and you are not alone I promise xxxx

Thanks Clarky I totally hear what you’re saying but I don’t know if I have it in me at the moment. I can pick at lo cal cereal bars and rice cakes but anything more is a potential binge/purge which i absolutely don’t want to do. I feel i’m Going to the docs, agreeing to be referred, all these things I’m doing for other people because I’m not sure I want recovery for the right reasons. Like is said before the logical side of me knows I don’t look great at this weight but the anorexic side loves fitting into size 6 jeans and wonders if I can get any lower. It’s just fucked up.

You absolutely sum up my thoughts exactly Poppy. I still think I look okay and love that my size 8 skirt is massive for me but I know that it's bad for me and doing all sorts of damage. But it's not enough to change at the moment. I'm totally caught between these two different mindsets and the ED is just too strong

The hardest part is everyone telling you that you look too thin but then looking in the mirror and seeing something completely different. It's so shit

Or when people don't say anything so you know you must look fat to them.

Exactly! I like what I see when I look in the mirror. My OH however tells me I look gaunt and bony and too skinny.

I think my worst comment is “you look really well” oh so fat then yea

Your DP is worried that you are going to die, which you will if you carry on.

You've got to face it some time, you don't have months or even weeks to put it off.

You don't want to hear this but the only option you have is to ask for professional help. You are like an alcoholic or drug addict who is very nearly at rock bottom. Final outcome is death or admitting the extent of your problem to someone real (not internet sprites) and turning things around and recovering.

All said with the utmost respect and concern

Does anyone on this thread see a therapist for their ED? I do (twice monthly as it's private and can't afford more!) just wondered what others experiences were?

I am due to start CBT sometime. Have been seeing ED nurse since April. Once a week to start then twice a month and once a week was too much.
Sadly I'm not getting better. Am hoping CBT will help with the underlying cause.

Thanks Christmas. You said it in a much better way than he did. Maybe it came from a place of love with him but it certainly didn’t sound it and it’s been going over and over i my head all day. I know in my sensible head what I’m doing is dangerous but I don’t feel ill so feel I can carry on for a bit longer. I’ve seen the GP this afternoon who has referred me to the NHS EDU and hopefully I can get some help though my private cover too but I don’t really see what they can do unless we can get to the bottom of why I do it. I’ve restricted on and off since junior school so it’s not something I can just snap out of.

Clarky, what sort of therapy do you do with your ed therapist? When I was an outpatient before I can’t reAlly remember much other than
The nutrition advice which was no help At all.

Me and my therapist kind of just unpick my past and unravel what caused my ED and ways to try and overcome it. It's been an eye opener in certain ways as I can recognise some of my triggers and what has lead up to them if that makes sense? But I am starting to realise no amount of therapy can help until I'm prepared to put the work in. It's defiantly not a quick fix but it helps to be able to offload to someone x

I see a therapist weekly. Was originally for anxiety and PTSD and we've worked through most of that. We've talked about the eating but he says there's no point continuing if I don't want to get better and it has to come from me. I've cancelled my next session because I don't know how to respond. If I stay, I think he wants to explore schema therapy and potentially DBT (my psych thinks I have elements of borderline personality disorder too, I'm not convinced).

The difficulty is that I know what I'm doing to myself and how dangerous it is but I don't really care that much.

You’re making excuses.
‘I can make healthy meals’
‘I’ve kept a 12yo alive’
‘I don’t warrant inpatient’

But you’re NOT EATING.
It doesn’t matter if you know the nutrition because it doesn’t count when other people eat it.

Accept the help that you need instead of rejecting it because Ana is in your head.

Would a positivity thread help anyone? Posting their mini goals and victories, might give us a boost when we're struggling? Sounds very cheesy but we all need support! Haha

You’re right Lemony I know i’m making excuses. I’m accepting the help half heartedly (already thinking it’ll be rubbish) because that’s what people want me to do. Ana doesn’t want me to do that though. Ana wants to see how low I can get. I’m actually finding all these referrals really triggering. Went to the hospital this morning to have bloods done so maybe they’ll show something that’ll give me the shock I need.

Clarkey I think a positivity thread is a great idea!