Am I in the wrong, should I report to SS

[HarrasedDad]

I'm sperated from the kids mum, 3 kids 18 12 and 8
I have them every weekend with the odd exception now and then
My New partner of 7 years is Bi-polar but usually manages well,
On 3 occasions in the 7 years she has been really unwell needing my full support, all 3 occasions I have said I can't have the kids that weekend, they can't see this and they don't need to experience this so young, (they adore my new partner, dote on her) every time I have been emotionally harrased into picking them up anyway, with words like "what do you expect us to do at such short notice" they're your kids as well.... we had plans this weekend your have to find a sitter and so on, this occasion I told them I have to take her to hospital she is that bad.... and they said ok, pick them up after you have dropped her there! I said no I have to stay there and they said don't worry... we can drop them to you, what do you expect us to do at such short notice, it's ended up I've had to pick them up and bring them home to an unsavoury environment. AITA in thinking that it almost equates to failure to safeguard the kids by still sending them into this environment?

Wow. If it comes down to the kids being unsafe, you are the person failing to safeguard your kids on your contact time.

Also you are in the wrong chat, unless these kids were conceived through donor conception?

I mean... I'm sorry for what your partner is going through, that sounds tough, but it is your time to have the kids and they are your responsibility during that time. I can see where your ex is coming from being pissed off that she's expected to pick up your slack at a moment's notice. It's an unfortunate situation but it's your situation that you've chosen, so you need a better backup plan than just dropping the rope on your kids when it suits you and expecting your ex to pick it up.

If your ex died tomorrow and you had your kids full time what would you do when you partner needs your full attention? If it's a safeguarding concern, it's yours to handle not your ex's.

So you're not bothering with your own children because you're concentrating on your partner?

Nice.

You want to call SS on your ex for making you have the kids on your contact time because you have deemed your partner unsafe?

It isn't your ex who would be getting looked into, it would be you for having someone unsafe around your kids.

It's your contact time, it's up to you to sort out suitable cover for the kids rather than expecting your ex to pick up the slack at a moments notice.

Your ex is not obliged to pick up the slack of your life. You would need to find alternative childcare for your contact time if you can't have your children at that time.

Why do you think that your time with your children is a lower priority? You want contact with them, you have to put them first. They are your children. If they aren't your priority then I am afraid you have to tell them that. Whilst I appreciate that your partner also needs you, you simply can't walk away from the responsibility of your own children - you made choices here and the children did not. Equally, your ex is not your "child minder" - if it is your time to have the children, you cannot expect them to drop everything to suit your priorities.

YANBU.

If a woman made this post, asking for support from her ex due to a loved one having a mental health crisis, you'd get a completely different response.

I think you just need to think about what you would do if new partner was your DC's mum. There wouldn't be an ex to off load them do. You would then need to do what the rest of us do, which is ask friends or family to help.
I think you are being given a bit of a hard time here re prioritising your DP. She does need someone to look out for her when she is ill, so it is good that you are doing that. But you are wrong to think that it is your ex's responsibility to provide back up in this situation.

So your partner's needs trump the needs of your children? Nice. How about prioritising your children instead?
Another thing to think about is that most parents struggle with this; when my husband/children's dad or I have been in hospital we’ve not been able to be with each other because someone has to look after the kids. Such is life when you chose to have them.

As a one off or unexpected catastrophe I can see why you would naturally appeal to your ex to care for your children if your usual babysitters were unavailable.
That would be natural if you were hospitalised yourself, had your street flooded with a river that broke it's banks, or your car blew up etc. You would do the same for your ex.

You are going out with a person who is often ill so you need to have options of carers at short notice for your partner when you have the children.
Does your partner have a sister or best friends who could stay with her? Does the hospital have nurses?

You think if a woman came on here saying she wants to ring social services on her ex husband because he won't take the kids at a moment's notice so she can prioritise her mentally ill new partner who she thinks is a safeguarding concern to her children she'd get a different response? I agree. I think she'd get an even harsher lashing.

You can't have been on Mumsnet long if you think she'd get any more sympathy than the OP has been getting, in my experience women prioritising new men over their children are absolutely eviscerated on here, especially if the new man is a safeguarding concern.

If a woman made this post then she would be told she shouldn't be with the partner at all if they can't be trusted around her kids.

What do you expect social services to do? They can’t force your ex to have the children. I guess they could decide that your ex showed unsound judgement in sending them to yours but what can they do then? They can’t take the kids off her and place with their father as you are the unsafe environment. They could take the kids into care I guess. Is that what you want? Or are you expecting social services to tell her off or something ridiculous like that?

You need to have a back-up plan for when this situation arises again in the future. What would happen if your children lived with you full-time? You'd need to have a plan in place. Your ex can't be your back-up plan! It's not her responsibility to be your childcare, because your partner is unwell. You have admitted your children shouldn't be around your partner during a MH crisis, as she isn't safe and you don't want them to witness her behaviour. Yet, you've taken no steps to put an alternative plan into place. Do you have parents, siblings or friends that could help in an emergency? You need to look at all possibilities as a matter of priority. It doesn't matter if the MH crisis doesn't happen often, you still need a plan, in case it's your weekend to have the children.

Really? They’re your kids and your responsibility but you place your partner above them. And somehow it’s your ex’s problem? You need to prioritise your children.

Sorry but your kids, are your flesh and blood. You should move heaven and earth to see them, look after them and should put any partners need secondary.
Your partner is bipolar and she is the one that needs to find a carer or a friend or family member to look after HER. Not the other way round.
I would be livid if I were the motber of these children. Not only have you created an unsafe environment for your children to come home to by moving your partner in, who you know to have issues, you refuse to look after your children and put your partner first.
Its not a choice, if you have them or not its your absolute duty that should come over amd above anything and anyone else.

Absolutely this. This is not your ex partners problem. It’s yours.

Exactly this.

In Your time, You are responsible for arranging childcare if it is needed.
And if you call social services and say the kids won't be safe around your partner, they will likely investigate you, not your ex.

Would she, though? If her ex husband had the kids almost all the time and the mother didn't bother to prioritise her children for the small amount of time she had contact with them?

Your children are still your responsibility. Your ex is not your babysitter.
you need to grow up and be an adult.

It sounds like you can’t provide the contact that you and ex have agreed to. What sort of contact do you want given that your dc are not safe in your care?
It isn’t up to your ex to provide emergency childcare during your contact time. What if she is at work or on holiday? You need to make robust arrangements for their care when it is your time to have them or prioritise them over your gf or completely renegotiate the level of contact that you can manage.
What specifically do you expect SS to do? You are the one not looking after them during your contact time. Is this not a problem you can fix without SS involvement? They aren’t going to go round to your exs house and bollock her for not being available during your contact time if that’s what you are hoping for.

You only see your kids 8 days a month. You need to prioritise them on those days.

If your partner is too unwell to be around them then you need to plan to see them away from your partner.

Yabu.