Just found out our due date is the same day as my best friends wedding where I am the maid of honour!!

[millieh]

Me (30F) and my wife (34F) have just found out that our due date is on the exact same day of my best friends wedding where I am the maid of honour!
We have our first round of IUI treatment in November and weren't expecting for it to be successful on our first try - due to the fact that my wife (who is carrying) had a very low follicle count.
When we went for our IUI treatment we (perhaps naively) didn't even think about calculating when the due date would be.

We are obviously over the moon that we have been successful on the first try and also aware that we are still in the very early days of the pregnancy.
I am feeling so anxious and worried about telling my best friend about the due date, even though I know that she will be absolutely over the moon for us that we are having a baby.
I know that the likelihood of us being able to attend the wedding is extremely slim, as it is four hours away from where we live but I also want to be completely open with her about the fact that we will probably not be there.
Any advice on breaking the news? We really want to do a pregnancy reveal for her where I know she will be so so delighted for us but I also know that she will absolutely ask about the due date too! SOS :(

As they're two women it's pretty obvious they'll have had treatment so it can't be such a huge surprise.

Also I'd forget about the 'pregnancy reveal' (hate that term) plan and just be practical and honest. Tell her asap in confidence so she can make other plans.

Please don't do a 'pregnancy reveal', just meet up with her as soon as you're comfortable to share the news and tell her. Make it clear you're telling her before anyone else.

Ask what you can do to help with the wedding in other ways to still be involved. Would she want a destination hen do or could you organise something locally a month or so beforehand that you can attend? Can you help send our invitations? Etc

Wait until you've had at least one scan to confirm all OK with pregnancy before you say anything.
Then just tell her, and see what the 2 of you can agree re the wedding, based on the assumption that all goes smoothly and baby comes roughly around due date time.
Mine were both 2 weeks late, so a due date doesn't necessarily mean anything unless you have a scheduled c section booked.

You might not want to commit to being MOH, but I don’t think I would rule out going to the wedding, even if it’s just by yourself. Some babies are born as much as two weeks after their due date. Is the wedding far away? Even if baby does arrive that day, unless it’s miles and miles away first labour takes ages.
I hope there hasn’t been any purchasing of outfits etc. If planning wasn’t that far along then it’s unlikely to be a massive issue for the bride

This happened to me. My best friend was due to be my bridesmaid, due date was 4 days after wedding. At 12 weeks we mutually agreed she would come as a guest if she was well enough.

As it turned out her DS was born the day of the wedding so she never made it. I was thrilled for her and it didn't affect our friendship in any way x

If you were my MOH, I'd say that if you were still willing to take a chance, things stay as they are and let's just see what happens on the day! Congratulations 🎊

Eta - one of my friend's bridesmaids was due around the time of sils wedding. They kept things as they were and the friend was still a bridesmaid, with a 5 day old baby. It was lovely.

It's unlikely the baby will be right on time, so you may well be able to go either before the birth or with the baby, if you want to. But they may want to let someone else be MoH as you will have your hands full one way or another!

Congratulations!

I wouldn't do a big reveal for her when the side effect is that you won't be able to attend her wedding and be her maid of honour. Even if she's absolutely delighted for you (which I'm sure she will be!) she might be a bit upset that you can't be there on the wedding day and doing a big reveal might be awkward for her when she realises this aspect.

IMO it's very unlikely you'll be able to attend unless baby comes early, and even then, it's unlikely you'll want to travel 4 hours with a new born who needs to be taken out of the car seat so frequently.

Agree with this.

When you’re ready to share the news be honest and tell her. Any friend, whilst they may be understandably disappointed that you can’t be there, will completely understand.

I know someone who was let down two weeks before their wedding for completely unrelated reasons but the MOH had known for a couple of months (😳) that they would be unlikely to be able to attend. By then it was too late for the bride to do anything about it, it was awful for them, they felt so let down. The whole situation went down like a storm in a teacup.

Congratulations! Tell the bride as soon as you are ready to share the news that you can’t be MOH. But, as others have mentioned, I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to attending entirely. Baby could be early or late and you and your wife might like to go. Unlikely given the distance but maybe reassess how you feel running up to the wedding if the bride has that flexibility.

Not all treatments work first time though.

So you would have avoided an egg transfer from September to December so you weren't pregnant for a friends wedding?? Don't be daft! You would never had waited 4 months so you could wear a nylon dress for a day!!!

I never said I would wait months

But we did delay a cycle one month due to the clinic shutting the whole of august

We were told to possibly rush for July and maybe the triple layer wouldn't be there for the right thickness of ivf /embryo to plant

V

wait a month and do fet sept and continue on drugs - which is what we did and was the one cycle that finally worked after 10yrs ttc

Obv iui is diff as only donor sperm and not an embryo being transferred

Each time we did ivf we thought omg if this works we will have a baby in x months time and worked the date out

Op said they didn't even calculate what date baby would be due

Myself and everyone else I know who did iui or ivf worked out the due date when having treatment in the excitement that it may just work

If a date was so important to me (friends wedding and being bm) then yes maybe I would delay a month so would be preg and not due

Equally people can go into early labour and the best laid plans still not happen

Either way - congrats to @millieh and her wife

You can’t hold off major life events in the hope of possibly getting pregnant after fertility struggles or you could be putting off your life forever sadly. They have been incredibly lucky and unfortunately it is bad timing. Her friend will hopefully be over the moon for her and this won’t be an issue.

Or go together and deliver at a local hospital if needed. I worked on my due date (last day) he eventually came 14 days later. I didn't stop anything we were out for a meal when labour started. You're only having a baby, just carry the hospital bag around for a few weeks.

@Anothercoffeeafter3 "you're only having a baby"?! That's so dismissive of, what is for many women, a huge life event!

Delivering locally to the wedding is far from ideal. It isn't recommended for newborns to be in a car seat for more than 30 minutes at a time, and factoring in feeds too, that 4 hour journey home becomes a lot longer. It might be alright if she has a straightforward vaginal birth, I was fine driving the next day, but if she has major abdominal surgery or an instrumental birth it could be very uncomfortable. I'd also factor in the risk that the baby might need to stay in for a couple of weeks if they are poorly, which again isn't ideal being so far from home.

My first was born spontaneously at 37 weeks and I went from 1cm to 10 and delivering in two hours. My midwife had said the baby wasn't engaged two days beforehand.

Wait til you get to the 12 week scan and then tell her.. she'll have ages to sort out cover

Why should OP not have agreed to be MOH?
Should everyone avoid committing to anything incase something happens that means they can no longer do it?
By that logic you’d never do anything fun incase ]God-forbid] you fell under a bus.
What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

@Emmz1510 the OP says the wedding is 4 hours away. There’s no way I would make such a long journey with a newborn unless out of absolute necessity.

@Worcestershirem0mmy being in a same sex couple does not necessarily equal ‘fertility struggles’ if the only hurdle is absence of sperm, and OP’s wife had got pregnant on first IUI attempt.

I wouldn't do a pregnancy reveal under the circumstances, I'd be a little more tactful as she might be a little upset and being more sensitive to that will help greatly

The whole situation went down like a storm in a teacup.

I think you mean lead balloon. Storm in a teacup means it was no big deal.

Also surprised at those saying stay being MOH and see how it goes. For both the bride's and the OP's peace of mind it makes much more sense to bow out now. Assuming the pregnancy goes okay (as everyone hopes it will), the dates are so tight that even if baby came early or late, the vast majority of mums would not want to be on wedding duties. The bridesmaid who came with her 5 day old newborn is incredible but surely an outlier. I wouldn't count on being able to do that and it'd likely be a source of stress hanging over the whole pregnancy and wedding not knowing how the two could collide.

@pinkdelight

yes - lead balloon! Sorry. And thank you.

I agree with you - definitely don’t agree to stay MOH. You cannot guarantee that you can fulfill your role and that’s unfair on the bride.