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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Just found out our due date is the same day as my best friends wedding where I am the maid of honour!!

48 replies

millieh · 26/12/2024 21:00

Me (30F) and my wife (34F) have just found out that our due date is on the exact same day of my best friends wedding where I am the maid of honour!
We have our first round of IUI treatment in November and weren't expecting for it to be successful on our first try - due to the fact that my wife (who is carrying) had a very low follicle count.
When we went for our IUI treatment we (perhaps naively) didn't even think about calculating when the due date would be.

We are obviously over the moon that we have been successful on the first try and also aware that we are still in the very early days of the pregnancy.
I am feeling so anxious and worried about telling my best friend about the due date, even though I know that she will be absolutely over the moon for us that we are having a baby.
I know that the likelihood of us being able to attend the wedding is extremely slim, as it is four hours away from where we live but I also want to be completely open with her about the fact that we will probably not be there.
Any advice on breaking the news? We really want to do a pregnancy reveal for her where I know she will be so so delighted for us but I also know that she will absolutely ask about the due date too! SOS :(

OP posts:
PreferMyAnimals · 26/12/2024 21:53

If you're close enough to be Maid of Honour, then surely you are close enough to just be honest. "Friend, we've been having some fertility struggles and have been having treatment. We have been incredibly lucky and it's worked on the first try, so I'm pregnant. Unfortunately it turns out that my due date is the same day as your wedding, so I won't be able to be your MoH. I'm really disappointed about that and sorry it's worked out that way with your wedding. I wanted to give you as much notice as possible. Of course it's early days with the pregnancy, but all is looking well so far." If she's a good friend she'll understand and be nothing but happy for you, even if she's a bit disappointed for herself. Life happens.

Trallers · 26/12/2024 21:59

Could you tell her more vaguely about the IUI and say that if the recent cycle goes to.plan then you might be out of action for the wedding and so wanted to pre-warn her. Then let things get a big further along, maybe to first scan, before properly announcing to her.

Echobelly · 26/12/2024 22:02

One of DH's best men (he had 2) found out his wife was due their first baby about 2 weeks before our wedding. DH just said 'Well if you're not there, it's for the happiest reason'. In the end, baby was born (just fine) 2 weeks early and was our youngest guest, but if they are good friends I am sure they will understand and be happy for you.

Janedoe82 · 26/12/2024 22:03

I would just tell her the truth- say you will be there for the hen but have to wait and see what happens for the wedding! due dates are not very reliable.

pinkypank · 26/12/2024 22:17

You shouldn't have agreed to be maid of honour but it's done now.

You'll just have to be honest but I'd wait till after 12 weeks to say anything.

Zankiu · 26/12/2024 23:50

If you don’t want to announce the pregnancy yet you might say you’re having treatment.

@PreferMyAnimals it doesn’t read to me like OP and her wife have any fertility struggles, they just need IUI because they need a sperm donor.

So I think a friend should be happy for the OP that this has worked, but if they’re at the point of looking at dresses for OP or asking their input/suggestions then before any money is spent a conversation could be had. Depending on the bride the logistics may or may not be a big deal but best to discuss soon. It’s not like an accidental pregnancy.

OP I will say weddings are usually pretty important to the people getting married but they are not worth putting your life on hold for. If your friend is happy for you but disappointed you might miss her big day that’s okay. Just don’t make promises you may not want to keep (even if physically possible I mean don’t get into ridiculously faffy agreements).

And congratulations, hope all
goes smoothly.

theduchessofspork · 27/12/2024 00:00

Congratulations !

Unless she’s got the emotional maturity of a 5 year old it’s not going to bother her at all. Just ring with the good news, and then say that you are so sorry but your due date is her wedding, but you’ll be with her in spirit. Don’t make any mad promises about coming if the baby is a couple of weeks early, you really won’t be up to it.

Howisitnotobvious · 27/12/2024 00:52

Going against the grain here but I think it's likely to go down badly because it was obvious you didn't think about her wedding in choosing whether to wait a month/decline being maid of honour.

So I would say we've had donor treatment that's worked and give a due month which means you'll be attending the wedding alone most likely, if at all. Personally I'd feel shit about it. But I also wouldn't make you feel bad about it at all if I was the bride.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2024 01:34

Did it not occur to you that in 9mths it was the wedding

amyds2104 · 29/12/2024 09:48

congrarulations! Hope all goes to plan with the pregnancy how exciting! Your friend is likely going to be super happy for you but there’s also the likelihood that she is going to be disappointed her best friend isn’t going to be at her wedding. That’s a valid feeling especially if she has spent money on things already. Rather than doing a reveal to your friend which seems a bit iffy in this situation just have a conversation with her. I’d think a reveal would be a lovely idea but there are going to be mixed feelings here which would be wrong for you to ignore. Your pregnancy is super exciting but to pretend your friend isn’t going to have mixed feelings (to begin with) would be a bit unreasonable. I do hope though she is a really grown up lovely non bridezilla and can move past any difficult feelings quickly ❤️

SandieWooz · 29/12/2024 09:55

There’s no need to mention you’ve had treatment. Just explain that you’ve fallen pregnant which was a huge surprise to you and your other half and say it’s highly unlikely you’ll be her Matron of Honour at her wedding as it will coincide with your due date.

HermioneWeasley · 29/12/2024 09:55

What do you mean “do a pregnancy reveal for her?”

InAnyOtherLife · 29/12/2024 09:56

amyds2104 · 29/12/2024 09:48

congrarulations! Hope all goes to plan with the pregnancy how exciting! Your friend is likely going to be super happy for you but there’s also the likelihood that she is going to be disappointed her best friend isn’t going to be at her wedding. That’s a valid feeling especially if she has spent money on things already. Rather than doing a reveal to your friend which seems a bit iffy in this situation just have a conversation with her. I’d think a reveal would be a lovely idea but there are going to be mixed feelings here which would be wrong for you to ignore. Your pregnancy is super exciting but to pretend your friend isn’t going to have mixed feelings (to begin with) would be a bit unreasonable. I do hope though she is a really grown up lovely non bridezilla and can move past any difficult feelings quickly ❤️

This.
Your friend’s wedding is really important to her, she’s asked you to be MoH which is a huge deal, and (for valid reason) you are stepping down.

Guve that the respect it deserves and don’t do a ‘reveal’. Talk to her in confidence - you can still do your reveal for everyone else when your wife is further along. Give your friend time to consider who she wants to take your place. Regardless of how happy she is for you, she’s going to be a bit disappointed too.

Wincher · 29/12/2024 09:57

SandieWooz · 29/12/2024 09:55

There’s no need to mention you’ve had treatment. Just explain that you’ve fallen pregnant which was a huge surprise to you and your other half and say it’s highly unlikely you’ll be her Matron of Honour at her wedding as it will coincide with your due date.

To be fair OP did mention she is in a same sec relationship so I think it would be unlikely for a pregnancy to happen as a complete surprise!

BonnyBugbear · 29/12/2024 09:58

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2024 01:34

Did it not occur to you that in 9mths it was the wedding

Have you ever done ivf? Some woman's wedding is not forefront in the mind of a woman having ivf. You are selfish

MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2024 10:04

I wouldn’t do a “pregnancy reveal” I would just tell her and the sooner the better. Obviously while these baby may not come on that day, you wouldn’t want to risk being 4 hours away from your wife just in case or if she has just had the baby as it can be very overwhelming/exhausting the first few weeks.

As a good friend she should be understanding though!

TubeScreamer · 29/12/2024 10:29

Just tell her asap. No need for a pregnancy reveal.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/12/2024 10:29

@BonnyBugbear yes I have paid for 5 cycles of private ivf

4 failed which is devastating esp when paying a loan monthly for nothing to show for it

1 finally worked after 10yrs of ttc

Selfish?

Stickortwigs · 29/12/2024 10:32

Echobelly · 26/12/2024 22:02

One of DH's best men (he had 2) found out his wife was due their first baby about 2 weeks before our wedding. DH just said 'Well if you're not there, it's for the happiest reason'. In the end, baby was born (just fine) 2 weeks early and was our youngest guest, but if they are good friends I am sure they will understand and be happy for you.

This is a lovely response. I wish there were more mumsnet tales like this.

snowbootsandchocate · 29/12/2024 10:33

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MILLYmo0se · 29/12/2024 10:38

Oh don't do a pregnancy reveal in these circumstances. Talk to your friend and explain, and that you are telling her now so she can adjust plans, leave you out of the bridal party and fingers crossed you will make the ceremony as a guest. Ask her to keep it to herself until ye reach the 12 week mark or whenever you are comfortable with it and then do whatever big announcements you want

BlueberrySeason · 29/12/2024 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Presumably OP’s friend isn’t as homophobic as you appear to be based on this comment

MILLYmo0se · 29/12/2024 10:41

BlueberrySeason · 29/12/2024 10:38

Presumably OP’s friend isn’t as homophobic as you appear to be based on this comment

Show quote history

The fact it could be the OPs egg obviously hasn't occured to them either..... Very strange post, I guess adoptive parents aren't really important either given there's no biology involved.

Ladamesansmerci · 29/12/2024 10:41

You can't put your life on hold for someone else's wedding. Your friend might feel sad and that's okay ofc, but it's unreasonable to expect that no one else has any major life events as they happen to fall on the week of one of your own. A true friend would be sad, but also understanding and happy for you!

UndertheseaPineappleHouse · 29/12/2024 10:42

OP, I think you definitely have to step down as matron of honour. You may or may not be able/willing to go to the wedding itself. If your wife has already had your baby and you have good family support, you might find you’re both ok with the idea of you going to the wedding (probably just one overnight, maybe skipping any next day continuations of the wedding if there are any). Or if the baby hasn’t been born yet and you know they are unlikely to arrive in the next couple of days (after a midwife appointment to check cervix or similar) - in that case you’d want to drive, not drink and have your phone at the ready in case you were called back - plus you’d need someone near your wife ready to drive/accompany her to hospital if she went into labour.