Single Mother By Choice

[Autumn90]

Hello everyone,
I have been considering being a Single Mother By Choice for a couple of years now and have made my decision to have a child on my own.
I have had no luck with men or relationships and I don't want to be with a man any longer after my most recent relationship.
I know that I am a mother and always have been. I am now 34 and don't want to wait anymore for "the right man" or "the one".
I can very much feel my fertility clock ticking.
How did family and friends react when you let them know you were about your decision?
I don't think my family knows quite how I feel or how serious I am about this.
I have spoken about being a SMBC with my mum before and she said not to do it. I am sure this was out of love and not knowing too much about it.
Thank you for any replies xx

No advice, just wanted to say good on you for following your dream. Best of luck.

No personal experience, but someone I know did this and she's getting on great. It certainly been hard but she has a lot of family support and a well paid job. She did face some attitude when she first shared her news, mostly from older men at her work tbh, but it was mostly positive from the more sensible people in her life.

It has been hard starting school though, But she also made some odd choices, like moving house so the commute is an hour instead of 15 min, so she drops her child with family at 7am and relies very heavily on family to facilitate afterschool activities and swimming lessons.

So that's something to consider, how flexible your work is and what breakfast and after school care is available in your area.

I have decided to do the same thing at 37 still yet to fall pregnant but I think my family thought I was joking and going along with it now I’ve been trying a while they realise I’m serious and are fine with it asked questions but at the end of the day it’s (my) your choice so it shouldn’t matter what they think good luck 😊

“I know that I am a mother and always have been.”
Sorry OP, you obviously have a strong maternal instinct but this is just false.
What if you can’t conceive?

Please look in to the feelings of those who have been conceived via donor conception and think whether you want to pursue this.

Thank you everybody for your replies.
@DonorConceivedMe I would like to assure you that I have been looking into everything for over three years. I have been looking into the feelings of donor conceived people and parents and not thinking only about myself. If I cannot conceive myself then I will look into different options. I have also been told that my fertility should not be an issue. I have not made this decision lightly. I have listened to both donor conceived people and parents of donor conceived people.

When I say that I know I am a mother it doesn't just mean that I have strong maternal instincts. I am saying much more than that.

If you want to or feel comfortable sharing with me then you can. Here or private message xx

I have spoken about being a SMBC with my mum before and she said not to do it. I am sure this was out of love and not knowing too much about it

Hmmm - not really a new concept. Is she worried you will struggle on your own and need help?

Your families decision is neither here nor there really if you are able to go it alone and cover everything that needs covering.

If you are going into this with the expectation of family and friends helping out practically with childcare or financially. Or if you have had MH challenges that have required significant support from them then them telling you not to do it is basically them saying not to expect any support from them so go in with your eyes wide open.

What will happen to your future potential child if you are ill or in an accident and can no longer look after them what is your Plan B?

It's very different to going into having a baby with a partner, or even becoming pregnant accidentally. To purposefully go it alone you need to be happy you are fully self sufficient and can cover every eventuality.

I have a donor-conceived DD who is now 7. My parents and siblings were supportive as were most of my good friends. I didn't meet much negativity about it and pretty much anyone I mention it to now reacts positively.

A good support network makes a huge difference. My family live miles away but I've got good friends and neighbours locally who have helped out. The past few years would have been very tough without that. When everything's ticking along fine DD and I are perfectly fine on our own but when something goes wrong it can be pretty much essential to have support close by.

At the moment my DD is perfectly content knowing how she came about. She has a couple of times said she wishes she had a dad which I think is fair enough given that all her friends have so she's bound to make the comparison especially as all her good friends' fathers are lovely people who are very hands on as parents.

@Pinkissmart
I don't know fully. I don't think she expected me to bring up the possibility of having a donor conceived child. It wasn't a decision and at that point either. I am still talking about the future now. But then I hadn't spoken about a donor with her before xx

'When I say that I know I am a mother it doesn't just mean that I have strong maternal instincts. I am saying much more than that. '

This worries me a little bit. It's nothing to do with donor conception, but motherhood in general, which it sounds like you have very high hopes for.

Motherhood is great, and I really hope you find a way to get there which suits you and everyone else involved.

But it will almost certainly be nothing like you imagine - I'm not saying harder necessarily, but different because it is so unlike anything else.

Don't set yourself expectations that might not be met, and don't put those expectations on a baby.

I am an a single mother by choice of two children - now teens I didn't receive any negative responses (that I'm aware of) from family or friends but I know my DM was worried because that's what my mum did - worry about everything. Having said that, it's not something I normally discuss with others as it's not my information to share.

I didn't find that I needed to lean on my support network much, but it was important that it was there for emergencies. There were tough times (particularly when I had a toddler and a non-sleeping baby) but it was absolutely worth it.

The DC seem unfazed by their origins - and have known all their lives. I am aware that this could change when they reach the age where they can find out details of the donor as it could bring some big things to process. But I will support them in that in every way I can.

Goodluck op. I know someone that did this at age 40 due to reason similar to you. They've gone on to have a second child and are doing well with a baby and toddler. A huge difference is this person lives at home with their parents so even though they're single parent, mum and dad are in the room next door. So they've got great support and they holiday together etc. Wishing you all the best.

@OtterOnAPlane

I was quoted by a previous poster saying that
"I know I am a mother and always have been" is false. At that point I was talking about motherhood in my original post.

There's no need to worry. I would never ever put any kind of expectations on a baby, child or other person in general. Especially baby or child. I don't have high hopes for being a mother. I just feel that I am one.

I know that life will change in a way that I probably won't be able to imagine.

Thank you x

@OtterOnAPlane
"I am one" may be a strong maternal instinct but being a mother feels right really.

I gave this a lot of thought when I was around the same age as you (about 10 years ago) but ultimately could not bring myself to do it. I could not in all conscience create a life just because I wanted to, and deprive that person of half their heritage and half their family. It's not about you thinking you've always been a mother (!) but about the child, who ultimately isn't asking to be born. Not everyone gets everything they want in this life sadly.

You’re an impressive person @LobsterOnMyFridge

I am looking into becoming a single mother by choice at the age of 37, I am just starting out on this journey.
There is so much negativity on this thread about being a single parent by choice and the child not knowing their father. I wanted to say I was raised by a single parent from a young age, my mother one day just decided she didn’t want to have me anymore. THAT is traumatic and I think worse than being brought into this world by a loving single parent that chose to have you. I in fact wish I didn’t know who my mother was and my dad is in full support of me becoming a SMBC.
You don’t know how life is going to pan out, anyone could become a single parent at any point, so do those that haven’t met a significant other just not have opportunity to become a mum? Or would these negative people prefer a child has a waste of space father in their life just so they can say they know both parents?

If you have a boy make sure you have a strong support network with good male role models. Boys tend to only listen to older men

Following on the run but will be back with some questions

Hi, be interested if you went ahead and how you got on?
x

Hi, to others on the journey, how are you getting on and what route have you taken? The European options seem less expensive but I am a little worried about treatment abroad and ending up unwell

I did this age 34 and was the best decision I ever made. My child is 8 and is thriving, we live with my parents so have a wonderful support. I’ve made sure he knows his story and we meet up with other families with DC kids but it’s never seemed a big issue for him he knows kids from lots of different family set ups including his cousins who were abandoned by their mother so only have their dad. Seeing the threads on split custody step parenting blended families etc makes me really grateful for our little family and our close relationship. Follow your heart ❤️

i had my middle child on my pwn through choice. i just did it and told everyone after. if they had an issue then they were no longer in my friend group. ity was that simple.
my son is nowv15

@SMBCthinking I agree, I think there is too much negativity on this thread when there needn’t be. Your father sounds like an amazing man. I also agree that it is better for a child to come into the world knowing that they are truly loved by one parent than having two and one being unsupportive of them.

@seelookhearboo Yes, I have many friends and relatives that would no doubt be amazing role models in my network for either a girl or boy.

@Confusedlady0 I am looking at and emailing fertility clinics while working with other professionals. Yes, I am going through with this.

@IndigoBlueyI am looking at a few different sperm banks to find the right fit for me and to also make sure that it will be able to the clinic I choose.

@thecrispfiend Yes, I now have my mum’s full support too. I have other friends who are SMBC and going through the same process. They have all said how it the best decision they ever made as well. I will always make sure that if I can have them, they will always know how they came to be.

@mazie2024 I think that is a good approach. If it is right for you then you know that. I am applying this at the moment (for a different reason) and found that I am having much more peace in my life as a result.

@vladimirVsvolodymr @DustyLee123 @INeedNewShoes @TheLovleyChebbyMcGee@Tigger1116 Thank you, I really appreciate these comments from all of you.

@OtterOnAPlane Yes, I do understand your concerns. My mum is fully supportive of me becoming a SMBC now after we had another conversation about it.

@LobsterOnMyFridge That is your decision and it is valid. It is not my decision however. My decision is equally as valid.

@DonorConceivedMe I have been listening to and looking into both Donor Conceived People and parents of Donor Conceived People for many years. I don’t think labelling someone as more impressive than anyone else is necessary. Nobody on here knows the full story behind anyone else’s decision.

Thank you everyone for all your advice and questions xx

Like other SMBC on here, I live with my parents in a multigenerational household. Actually I know quite a lot of SMBC as I am in touch with many of my child’s donor siblings parents as well as others I’ve met through donor groups - and a surprising number of us either live with a parent or have parents living so close by that we see them daily or almost daily. The others with family further away are mostly in such well paid jobs they can afford a Nanny for help.

Basically what I’m saying is that while thinking about the moral quandary of being a SMBC is important and obvious (the need for telling your DC they are donor conceived asap when young, the need for a non- anonymous donor and to support them with contact in future etc); as others have mentioned don’t neglect thinking about the need for practical support too. It’s not easy dealing with a refluxy, colicky baby on no sleep after a C Section or indeed a fractious toddler when you yourself have a severe gastrointestinal bug etc. You really do need a good support network at home (or be able to easily afford to pay for one). Yes, unintentional single mothers with deadbeat Ex’s often have to deal with it by themselves, but that’s not a position that somebody with any sense would purposely choose.

I’m not trying to put you off (DC is the best thing that I ever did) but I know I would have really struggled without my parents support, so unless you are quite wealthy then your “network” is definitely an important consideration imo - even things like have you got good male role models to be in the childs life - a longtime close friend or your brother, father etc? (this apparently can be especially important if you have a boy).

Our children do benefit compared to other children in that they will never experience a family break up (assuming that like most SMBC, that you have no intention of ever bringing a boyfriend into your child’s life), but I think it’s good to have lots of other family in the child’s life if possible - to try to compensate a little bit for the lack of a Dad. I see how much my DC loves spending time with my brother and Father for example.

Anyway, good luck to you - as I said, DC is the best thing I ever did❤️