Friend wants to donate sperm for IUI

[Mlexapet]

Would you allow a good friend to donate his sperm for IUI?

My friend would like to do this for me in order for me to complete my family as a single Mum. My dilemma is what to tell the child when he/she/they are old enough to find out information about their donor. My friend will remain in our lives but not be called Dad.

Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? How did you navigate potential future questions of where they came from?

When you say 'complete your family', do you mean you already have a child? If so, the thing to navigate most carefully would be any disparity in relationships with their respective fathers.

Take a look at the Donor Conception Network - they're really helpful to families in all sorts of setups. Honesty is always the best policy however, from as young as possible (ie, it's never a secret and never something you avoid talking about)

Absolutely the fuck not. Will he want parental rights/visits?

Yes I already have children. Thank you for the recommendation. I'm certainly an advocate for honesty upfront.

No, he would only want to be involved to the extent that I allowed. He sees it more as a gift. I'm going to be using donor sperm anyway so why not save a ton in the process.

I do appreciate your reasons for wanting to use a known donor and to reduce your costs.

But there's a reason that donor sperm costs money through legitimate clinics, and that is because they will carry out necessary medical checks on donors to reduce the risk of possible issues with any baby down the line. They will also ensure the confidentiality of both the donor, and Mum and any live baby, everything will be properly registered through the HFEA to try and minimise the risk of their being issues down the line and reduce the risk of their being multiple babies born by the same donor in a small geographical area.

Your friend may say he doesn't want too much contact with a baby now, but you don't know how he will feel down the line, and it will really muddy the waters.

My DW best friend donated sperm to us which resulted in the birth of our DD who is now 3. Along with her partner and their newborn son we have made a gorgeous little family. Our DD calls them aunt and uncle, but will also know the role he played in her being here! We are and will be open and honest about everything.

What if he wants to have parental responsibility and be a real father one day?

What kind of relationship do your current DC have with their father?

He doesn't want parental responsibility. He is essentially giving me his sperm as a gift.

A reasonable relationship at the moment.

Such a beautiful gift.

Just as he doesn't want it at the moment doesn't mean he won't in the future, and that could leave you in a very difficult position, also if you decide to use a clinic it usually costs a lot more to screen a known donor than it does to purchase donor sperm

Not keen on this, he'll have a claim on you for life and what if the other Granny decides she wants involved?

That's why he would be donating through the clinic, not natural insemination. Known donor sperm would have the same lack of parental rights as non-known donor sperm. I'm not sure it does cost anymore to screen a known donor, but even if it does, the extra would be saved from the extortionate shipping costs.

That's why it would be through a clinic, so that there wouldn't be any legal entitlement. The only difference is that he is not anonymous to me. There is no other granny or grandad.

@Mlexapet Hi, I’m donor conceived and I definitely would have preferred my parents to use a known donor, I think you’re choosing the best option for your child which is brilliant.

the reality is a donor isn’t ’just a donor’, they are that persons biological parent. It’s a good thing to allow them that knowledge and connection and at least removes the harm from the complete disconnection and severance from a biological parent. I’m in a lot of DC groups and I’ve never come across anyone who advocates for anything other than known donors.

This is very refreshing to read after the other comments on the topic, thank you. I am trying my best to think about it from the child's point of view as well. I was originally going to use a sperm bank but my friend has now made this offer. I just cannot anticipate all the possible outcomes for the child. He will have a presence in the child's life, I'm just unsure what that will look like and if it will have any serious repercussions.

My son is donor conceived and I don't view the donor as a parent in anyway, he is only 6 so I don't know what his views will be as he gets older but he has parents, we also happen to have had a wonderful donor which is the reason he is here and we are very grateful for

I have a child born through ivf with donor sperm from the London Sperm Bank. The cost of the sperm was not thousands. It was a few hundred quid. No shipping costs.

Did you use a known donor?

Perhaps the cost of sperm depends on whether the bank is overseas. The clinic I'm thinking of using works with the London Sperm Bank actually.

No.
I would use a sperm bank.

Tricky, but I think a donor is probably best. It could get so messy with your friend. He says he’ll accept whatever contact you allow, but will he actually when the time comes? What if he bonds and decides he wants to be his legal parent? What if he gets jealous of any of your partners’ (ie step parents) relationships with the child? What if he starts to dip in and out of the child’s life as his own life moves forward? An absent father is better than an inconsistent one. Children need stability.

I wouldn’t. When I was starting to plan my fertility treatment two different friends offered to be the donor which I declined. It just adds uncertainty and ambiguity to the situation for all concerned.

My donor conceived DD knows how she came about and that her donor is ‘contactable’ should she wish once she is 18. If she knew her donor was a friend of mine I think she would feel rejected if they didn’t want to take on a father role.

You also can’t predict how the man will feel when the baby arrives. It’s a powerful thing to see your genes in a child. They might feel very attached and want more involvement than they’d previously thought. Then you could be in a position where you felt you could never move away etc.

I think you risk the friendship with your friend but much more importantly you risk complicating things for your child who will already be dealing with being donor conceived without that added confusion of the donor being your friend.

@Mlexapet if it's LWC I wouldn't recommend it (that's the clinic I used)